2010-01-17 - 8:52 a.m.
Blessed to have good friends.
Was served papers Friday night by the EX who is taking me back to court.
Not a surprise. Not unprepared for mentally.
I enjoyed watching Legally Blond Friday night which always gives a good laugh:
"What's that? It's pink?"
"It's her resume"
"I was in the role of the Corporate Exec Trophy Wife Barbie, but would rather be Corporate Barbie instead."
and then GETTING THE JOB!!!
And Getting the Job at the maximum salary range in the field for the level of experience.
And getting offered FIFTEEN THOUSAND DOLLARS MORE THAN ASKED FOR
And RETAINING THAT JOB and THRIVING AT IT For at LEAST two years and through at least three rounds of layoffs... But at MOST twenty five years : )
I was too tired for a planned hike Sat AM after being up late monitoring Katie's fever Thu. night. I took a sick day off Friday to care for her. She came down with strep throat again. She seems to be very suseptible to that as she just had it in October.
It was good to see that she looked much better on Sat at her sister Sadie's basketball game.
It was however sad that when I arrived to join the girls watching their sister's game that Katie and now Raitlin both greet me with sneers and faces and anger. It's amazing that they can be so normal and loving and that on the RIDE TO THEIR FATHER'S they then transform their attitudes immediately into "Attack Mommmy" mode which is apparently the only acceptable one in their Father's care.
So when I came to the game it was exactly like when I showed up at the school movie night, and any other events at the school. Now the message the girls have gotten FROM THE SCHOOL (since Daddy is there all the time), is that when at SCHOOL they can not be warm toward me as well. That message was reinforced when the school was not complying with my custody order, and when the school was assisting in trying to build a case against me at their Father's request.
For the principal to claim he has never been involved is nonsense.
One day in the Fall when Raitlin was having a hard time leaving me and saying she wanted to be with Mommy and didn't want to go to school the principal told me "I will take her. She needs to know that she has to go to school"
The principal had been on my case about being on time with the girls. I asked "When we are having a behavior issue would you prefer I handle it at home and bring a calm child a few moments late? OR Would you prefer I bring you a screaming child on time?"
He said to bring the children on time and they would handle them.
So I did.
I actually believed the school would then have understanding that these girls really do have some serious issues and needs and might have EMPATHY and greater understanding and forgiveness at them being late a few moments on occasion when we as a pack have to work through any one child's behavior issue.
The thing is, a heavy hand of parenting does have the immediate short term gain of control.
I refuse to do that.
Yet I am being attacked as a parent.
My preferred parenting method takes LONGER, is more of a lengthy PROCESS and requires a lot more patience and YES forgiveness and leeway here and there.
But in an inflexible system where I will be attacked for being late should one of the girls have a behavior at home that we work through, OR be attacked as a poor parent if I then bring the child to school in the through of a behavior , I am in a situation that no matter which choice I make I shall be judged.
That is not an IMPARTIAL body who has not gotten involved in what clearly should have remained an issue between both parents only about how they navigate and work on raising their children together while in two separate homes.
For the school to give the consistent message that they will take me to court WHEN WE HAVE BEEN LATE TWO TIMES A MONTH TOTAL Has given the girls the message I am publicly seen as a BAD MOTHER.
For the school to on the occasion above (and apparently any others) to then NOT CALL Me but call the girls FATHER and then ALLOW HIM to take the child home, or calm the child down (which of course I would just as capably do had I been allowed the opportunity in an environment where there is not an entity giving signals of me being a "BAD MOTHER NOT TO BE TRUSTED" ) is not being impartial.
So its rather sad that my children who are very bright and perceptive have this year changed their behavior toward both me and their nanny WHEN IN THE SCHOOL BUILDING.
I also have a new sitter for the little one. A very lovely lady I became friends with over the past year of attending a Woman's Bible study at a local church. For her, someone brand new into my home and the children's lives this Fall, to come back from the school one day very upset at the manner in which SHE WAS TREATED is just terrible.
That lets me know that the problem of the school projecting their attitude and opinion is so serious and ingrained in their behavior toward my whole household that they are utterly unaware of it. I hadn't conversed with this sitter about the school issues. Neither she nor my nanny had any awareness of them. I write here and elsewhere so I can go on as helm of my household without worry over such nonsense. There is no point in discussing these issues with the sitters and getting them upset!
I also want them to be open and friendly toward the girls father as I think that is better in the end for the girls.
So it was a surprise to me to then hear my sitter share with me "I don't know what is up with that school nurse. She gives me the nastiest look every time I see her. I said hello and she just ignored me" and then to hear the details of the day my sitter was so upset at the school interfering with her managing of the youngest behavior in a judgmental manner one day is just really sad.
We can all read about Parental Alienation Syndrome.
I have done so, I even shared a link with the school in an e-mail hoping they might recognize it.
However until you experience it , its really hard to believe one could ever be successful in teaching a child to hate their parent.
I really don't believe it entirely possible.
I have greater faith in the power of love than that.
Which is why I STILL don't get that upset over hearing
"I HATE YOU" from two out of four of my girls now.
I know in time they will heal from that terrible emotional and psychological abuse that their Father is currently putting them through due to his own issues (whatever they are.)
I think the saddest thing is that the relationship which I know will suffer the most is his relationship with his children.
I just hope that he doesn't utterly destroy it in the process and that someday after this all pans out the girls can learn to forgive him for what he has been doing and will apparently continue to do to attempt to destroy their relationship with me, their mother.
Let's all keep him in our prayers.
I feel like he needs them more than ever as for some reason he must feel particularly insecure at the heart and particularly threatened right now to be launching a current full blown attack.
His sister gave me that book Return to Love years ago. Too bad he hasn't read it. Maybe someday she'll touch his heart and he will be open to receiving that love and support. I still think there is hope.
There is always hope, even in the midst of the trial.
There was a very wise lawyer who once turned down my case and said "HE is a con artist, and he is convincing. I have seen types like him before, he will not stop until he destroys you. He will take everything and then continue to fight until he has the children. If he doesn't win now he will keep coming back trying until he does."
To that Yes wise attorney, I still say
Because in the end , he wants so desperately to destroy the one thing that he doesn't have because HE can't grasp hold of it:
And NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS he just can't EVER touch that!
His bitterness was that my happiness was NOT dependent on him. When first married he used to ask "Are you happier? Have I made you happier?"
I would answer "I am happy"
And he would push wanting to know "But are you happier than BEFORE"
I would say "before what? I have ALWAYS been happy"
That's where the anger and the violence began; And that is too where the anger and violence will end: In his heart that needs to learn to be at peace and happy within itself and not look to the world or anyone else to make him happy. For one who seeks to be the "end all be all" for others, is ALSO seeking others to be the "end all be all" for themself as they are looking to OTHERS to MAKE THEM HAPPY. You can SHARE your happiness with others, but only if you first have it within yourself. I am also convinced that the only way to have peace in this world is to make God the focal point of your life.
Attacking defensively is not any way to ever achieve that inner peace.
Until the girls' Father achieves peace within, he will continue to project the anger and unsettled violence that is in his soul without.
Prayer is the best I can do in response (of course among other actions!)