2010-02-02 - 8:09 a.m.

I am so happy to have had a nice chat with a friend that left her abusive husband.

He was a Marine, and unfortunately his issues which are all clearly those of handling the moments of dealing with some of that trama of combat, manifested in ways that were hurtful to her.

He was very abusive.

I supported her in staying in her marriage and we would talk over lunch about marriage counseling experiences!

I supported her emotionally to the extent I could when I could no longer meet her for lunch.

She is a support to me as I talked about how it seems so weird at work that I feel like I talked to someone I thought was a friend but now am being judged.

My old boss who I talked to warned me to be discreet about my family and personal issues. I do a fine job of NOT thinking about them or discussing either at work. However once in a blue moon I will let her know just a few things. However the past month was very stressful and I did have moments of not trusting my co-worker.So then I addressed it with her, apologized and told her that I really do have these moments which are classic post traumatic stress. I even told her that unfortunately trying to treat ADHD had the misfortune of side effect of paranoia.

Kind of stinks that I had either full blown PTSD moments (the not trusting everyone.. it happens all the time.. and/or side effects from the treating of ADHD)

I think that the "NO MEDS" song that came on the radio when Soren and I were driving and I was discussing the decision to medicate or not medicate may have been a sign!

Unfortunately my apology was received but what I thought was a nice work friendship is strained. And the thing is that I DO hear EVERYTHING in the office. So at times I hear and don't address but ignore... but there are things I have heard that were HARDER to ignore.

What I find most frustrating is that I feel like the cohesiveness of working as a team has been disrupted. I don't think by ME in any way! I feel like it has been moreso by being judged rather than understood.

My old boss was right, be careful who you talk to.

My friend I chatted with last night also gave good advise. She commented " I learned that men are much better when you really need to vent. Women have holes in their lips"

It was a funny comment... how what goes in the ears spill out the lips.

Funny as one of the things I try hard NOT to do is EVER talk about anyone else. So when there were issues between a co-worker and an attny I listened, I tried to be a supportive friends, and then when someone asked me what happened between them I said "Ask her." It was NOT MY BUSINESS or MY PLACE To tell her story.

I could only discuss my experiences with a person, and only judge my experiences with an individual.

What is most interesting is that on Fri of last week I FORGOT to take my medication.
And I swear I was back to my NORMAL ADHD self.

Thing is- I LIKE MYSELF. I LIKE the totally classic ADHD symptom of HYPERFOCUS which can kick in when I get really into a project and just don't hear anything else.

That is as much a part of ADHD as the moment of distraction.

The ADHD brain responds REALLY WELL to adreneline : Excercise, stimulation. Part of treatment of the ADHD brain is that the stimulant actually mellows one out by sort of shutting off the overactive brain, I suppose so you can focus.

In my case it definitely WORKS as I don't find myself SPEEDING when driving ( or having car accidents and tickets.) Lights are not so bright and I don't have that overstimulation.

So here is the dilemma: I am a better driver when under treatment- Great.

But am I a better PERSON? When the side effects kick in and then I see a friend lost faith in our friendship as she can't trust me after I did have a paranoid moment that makes me wonder.

My ex boyfriend, and Pocohantas,Art and all my friends have been great at understanding and forgiving those moments. And my fears of them were WAY more intense than thinking they were just talking about me! * Some are hilarious... we all joke I should just be a writer and create some fascinating novels out of the moments of fear.

My way of dealing when those moments happen is to push through the fear... and remind myself "This is a side effect, or a PTSD moment"

It doesn't matter which... but for the fact that when they increased my Dr wanted to treat the PTSD and so I TRIED as she said "I don't want you to jeopardize your job"

and I SWEAR the medication she put me on made things WORSE.

Its such a balance and struggle.

Life is good for the most part with those small moments. The thing is that they ususally don't AFFECT my behavior or my life or even my preformance as I just IGNORE the thoughts...recognize them and move on.

But the past few weeks after starting a new medication to HELP them (as they had increased) there was not a real positive benefit and I think they were worse.

I has talked to the Dr. thinking it might be best to go off the stimulant, but instead she proscribed something for the side effects.

Not sure it helps.

And then on Friday I FORGOT to take my medication.

And I swear I was my NORMAL self again!

The worst part of this is that I think on THAT day my coworker seemed even MORE concerned.

I overheard her talking about me again. And the funny thing is that you hear about teens going on Adderall who don't need it as it helps them crank out the work.

For me, the irony is that I think the medication for the side effects which I was stared on in JAN is not only NOT HELPING with the paranoid side effects (they are still there) but I think it is affecting my mental acuity.

Totally sucks.

My friend the Marine thinks its just the PTSD having kicked in badly.

So good to have a friend to bond over ! He loves talking to me as we support each other through this. BONDING over our issues! Its hilarious actually...

Thing about him is that he has a WICKED sense of humor! I love talking with him. He comes up with great one liners that just get me laughing.

Best one of late was when I was talking animated about SOMETHING... I forget what... and as it was either a weekend we were hanging out, or night when NOT medicated so the things that the medicine DOES HELP were harder to control (like impulsive talking and interrupting LOL!).. so at one point after I did something he said
"Your stressing me... I'm starting tapping"

That just had us both then hysterical. I had shared with him my Rapid Eye Movement Therapy that Rosita did with me a few years ago.

I loved how she acted like I was helping HER practice so she could be proficient with her clients!

No wonder all my close friends are counselors! They get a benefit from my friendship...

HILARIOUS..

Well after the recent work weirdness maybe I SHOULD dig up the card with the awesome lady I befriended at the outdoor concert who wanted to get together EVEN THOUGH she is yet ANOTHER professional counselor and in fact WORKS in a practice my hubby and I used to go to! When she gave me her card, and I wrote my name for her and she saw it she literally GASPED and then I knew there was a moment of realization of who I am.

She heard stories.

Of course with professional ethics she would never LET ON that she heard stories. In that moment I KNEW this woman knew MORE about by life and my marriage than most. I looked at her card after the gasp and realized it was the practice where Westley went for therapy for anger issues.

So I never called her. I figured she needs friends WITHOUT issues for a change! And perhaps I need friends who ARE NOT professional therapists for a change! LOL

Too damn funny.

But now I am thinking WHY NOT? Maybe God sends those into our life that we DO NEED.
Maybe my co-worker who now thinks I am a nut is just not one of them and the counselor who wants to be my friend is?

Counselors and judges: trend there too.. Counselors and judges that are as wacky as I am but who don't talk AT WORK EVER ... they learned HA HA.... As my Marine friend told me of the adjudication of a case a few weeks (NOT DETAILS PROFESSIONAL ETHICS HONORED OF COURSE... just bare fact of him having a hearing as he is the chair of a board, I suppose similar to to BIA I am familiar with - admin military law stuff) I thought of the nutty narcissistic friend who is the Judge in MD, and the marriage counselor by night, and a professor a few evenings a week and wonder how the heck he is faring in managing his type A, OCD, manic overachiever personality with his three jobs and many issues.

I don't talk to him more as he was also just a crazy sex addict who couldn't be friends without then trying to throw SOMETHING sexual into a phone conversation each time... and I eventually got sick of redirecting and bursting through that crap with comebacks and cutting through that bull and telling him to knock it off we were not going there. I got sick of being the woman giving him advise on how to manage his crazy life with multiple women.I told him instead of giving therapy he needed to just GO!

He too was a great support to me however through my divorce. Good counselor! (Despite his dysfunction!)

So that make me think I might as well give the lady a call to go out over coffee and go dancing as she wanted to do.

After this weekend with my friend I realize I AM SO RELAXED! I feel great! I need friends!

I was also SO excited about my weekend plans that on Friday I had a cranking day at work. VERY FOCUSED and I think the work I did was GOOD. (Not perfect... especially the last one of the day) but I did have the ability to crank out the work when happy and motivated and excited to be heading off for a ski trip.
Just trying to grapple with whether the fact I didn't remember to take my medication Friday was a FACTOR in my increased mental acuity.

I was definitely more myself.

I mean even with the struggles, I wonder why at times we try to FIX everyone who is not perfect?

I think sometimes we then STUNT their actual GIFTS!

I do GREAT under pressure. So I walk into stuff and miss some details and my work is not perfect-- hey that is what a 2nd level review is for, right? I have said it before- just let me crank out the contract that needs to be done NOW and then have someone else go over it to nit pick and then my gifts are actualized and we can together be a great team. What is so wrong with that?
I wish we could work like the ECONOMIST where each article runs WITHOUT AN AUTHOR NAME ITs a TEAM EFFORT Wouldn't work thought.. but for some reason I felt like if I was SUCCESSFUL that it was not desired by my co-worker. I actually LIKE the role of GHOST writer just as much as the one of having the name on it! For me the joy is in the WORK ITSELF.

I love getting caught up in a project.

Give me a pressure cooker and my brain just turns on and I make connections RAPID FAST.
Tell me something is due YESTERDAY and its a priority and I can crank it out.

My weird brain.
Tell me something is due NOW and I can crank it out.

The adreneline kicks in and I get hyperfocus.

I swear this treatment of the ADHD is stunting that GIFT.
So on the day that I went into work WITHOUT My medication I was my NORMAL goofy self: I was taking to my co-worker and then WALKED into the garbage can at lunch as I didn't see it.
So the terrible lack of awareness was FULL BLOWN. But then I was ALSO able to tune the world out and hyperfocus and ignore all the snide comments that were then made as I picked up a couple deals in queue and cranked them out.

Thing is the others on my plate lingering were lingering as I needed FEEDBACK and DIRECTION as I hit a kink and needed the attorney to answer my question. She was not available and didn't get back to me, so I then picked up other stuff and cranked it out.

What I am bothered by is that I didn't feel like we were working as a team at that point as I sensed this ANNOYANCE that I was picking up work and DOING it quickly. WHY ? I don't get it.

I picked up a few things I KNEW I could crank out WELL and FAST as I just worked those deals recently.

My boss said "Go ahead" as I ASKED her first.

But the thing that really bothered me is the sense that it was not apprechiated but found annoying.

I don't get it. There were comments made that I overheard
"I think she doesn't eat."
"She's happy all the time and it irritates me"
and
"Of course they love her- she'll stay till 4am to get an RFP done"

So that made me KNOW I was not actually IMAGINING being talked about.
Those are specific enough..

So maybe the paranoia wasn't paranoia and when I THOUGHT I was being talked about the other week I REALLY WAS. WHATEVER...

I mean the comments were made WHILE I was cranking to get out work on the last day of the month.
The co-worker used to always make comments about the one attorney that BOOM would pick up a deal the minute it came in queue.

This is a really bright happy cheerful woman who for some reason our group didn't seem to gel with. WHY? Was she
TOO HAPPY and motivated?

The thing is, its NOT A COMPETITION.

I have said this before- people need to embrace their own gifts and bring them to the table to the benefit of their team.
This resenting and attacking others For THEIR GIFTS is never a benefit to anyone.

I felt resentment on Friday BECAUSE I was able to pick up three deals and turn them over on one day.

To me that DOESN'T MAKE SENSE AT ALL.

Can't worry about it however. Just can only continue to try to do my best work on a DAILY basis. And boy I have areas for improvement so when I have a good day and do things well I am disappointed to feel attacked, but will ignore it!
I HAVE TO!
Ce La Vie...

But there is always that fundamental question: Why does it IRRITATE others to see someone who truly is just HAPPY and an optimist NO MATTER WHAT is going on around them? ( OK but for the paranoia... which the more I write might not actually have been PARANOIA even though I took that fall back position at work and I apologized for such as IT COULD BE! I just don't know... so am leaving it as a moment I worked through.)

But if I CONTINUE to hear snide remarks made and they are VERY OBVIOUSLY about me I will again address them. (That's what I did last time-- I just responded to the comments in the MOMENT. I wanted to Let it be KNOWN that I heard to put a stop to it. I HEAR EVERYTHING and have tried to let that be known out of COURTESY so if someone REALLY wants to have a private conversation they know to go elsewhere! I IGNORE MOST OF WHAT I HEAR!! )

OFf to work. We have a meeting this AM. I have a contract to turn over. I wanted to get in early to do it, but my friend last night needed a chat and a friend, and this AM I felt like I would benefit from writing.

Keep my friend in your prayers. She just moved out of the abused women's shelter where she has been for the past two months, into her own rented small one bedroom flat. Pray she finds a job to support herself and her lovely daughter.

I am glad that at least I can be encouragement to someone who is struggling through what I have gone through and KNOW SHE WILL BE BETTER OFF and KNOW SHE WILL BE SUCCESSFUL and KNOW

WE BOTH WILL REMAIN STRONG!

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