2010-02-04 - 10:18 p.m.

I don't know why I picked up a book at the airport the other night. I was so tired that I was out like a light the moment I sat down in the plane. I was fighting falling asleep over the book in the waiting area.

I also have two or three other books started at home that I didn't finish! Typical ADHD style of reading: Read a novel until it is misplaced, and then start another until the 1rst re-emerges or the 2nd gets a little boring.

So I have Kite Runner, City of Light, Montana Sky by Nora Jones, and Oxygen by Carol Cassella in my reading queue at home.

The last two novels were the Borders $3.99 special.

There was a hardcover book I SHOULD have sprung the money for at the airport, but I was too cheap so settled on the softcover Kite Runner. NOw I forget the name of the book that looked REALLY good.

City of Lights is a wonderful novel set in Buffalo which I so love as it is reminiscent of that lovely city. A relaxing read for anyone who has moved away from there but enjoys poetic descriptions of Bidwell Parkway and Delaware Park (which I used to run almost every morning.)

Running. That's what I need to do. Get back into that for the stress relief!

I worked late tonight. Not out of any great need to get things done, but out of the absolute terror I feel when I leave.

Its been just terrible.

The weekend was fine as I went away. Monday night I was so very surprised however that as soon as I left work I felt that state of absolute terror again.

I just wish it would go away.
I am fine when I focus on work. A few weeks ago it was harder to get focused on work. Now I am in that defensive mode of being able to HYPER FOCUS and its really hard when NOT working. (Except I was FINE when Friday rolled around and it was time to pick up the girls! Then I felt NORMAL again for the duration they were with me.)

But its the time alone that is terrifying. The coming home to an empty house. I never used to understand how anyone could be afraid to be alone. I never was afraid to be alone before a few years ago.

I was glad that last night as soon as I got home I was able to call a friend and then go over to relax and watch TV there. It was nice to have company. Great I can just pick up the phone and say "I am having a hard time" and know I am welcome anytime. Yesterday my friend had company which made it even better as there was someone else there to talk and tell me about their life. That is the best- focus on anyone or anything and keep my mind occupied.

The other thing that was good was that the night before last, as I was working ridiculously late and snow was in the forecast, my co-worker who lives moments away came in to get her computer so if the storm came as forecast she could work from home on Wed. I had no idea what time it was. She asked "What are you doing here? Are you being paranoid?"

YES ! I was TOTALLY being paranoid! I had told her such-
Absolutely terrified of being laid off, Absolutely terrified of coming home to an empty house afraid at any moment I am going to be attacked by he who has done so before, worried at work that when I am hearing comments that they were being said about me (but only for the moment and then realizing LATER it was NOT LIKELY... just paranoia)

So it was really good to talk to her and have the validation that she is my friend and does care about me and that we still ARE a cohesive team working together.

I work with THE BEST small group of people. We really have become friends and it is really nice. I needed to talk to her and let her know of the hard time I am having and to both tell her to forgive me when I am in this weird hyperkinetic, oversensitive state of heightened fear AS WELL as I needed to hear the positive validation from her.

Its terrible as even WITH treatment there is still an almost constant tension and anxiety that is hard to shake. Good thing is that it DOES subside when I get focused on a project. That is when I can tune out the stress and forget about it for a while and become engrossed and ESCAPE in a task at hand.

I always joked that if you notice my house is REALLY CLEAN that is a terrible sign! If my house is immaculate you can be sure I am not feeling very well!

This time around that hasn't happened however- simply as the terror has set in and it makes it hard to stay her alone any length of time to get into the obsessive cleaning phase!

This time I am in the workaholic phase.

This will pass I am sure once the stress of this litigation is over!

Until then I will be feeling a bit wacky... and might not be eating and sleeping as well as optimal - but I AM using great intention to try to keep on a healthy early to bed and early to rise schedule as well as making a point of eating.

That's the funny thing. I think most people tend to turn to food for comfort. When I get stressed I totally FORGET to eat.

I have made a point of consciously thinking of meals the past few days as I am sure when I didn't eat well that only made the fear worse! Likewise with sleep-- Both are so important to remaining healthy.

Today I got Chicken Marsala at lunch time from the Cafeteria. It was REALLY good. I ate half for lunch and then the other half for dinner. After dinner I logged back on to take a training for a Pro Bono Program I am so excited they are offering at work. I signed up to volunteer at a local Immigration Center! When I was sent the training materials it seemed to be so apropo as I have been granted a project assisting in client intake and preparation of U Visa applications for immigrant women who are victims of domestic violence.

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