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2010-02-27 - 3:13 p.m.

Sadie's basketball team made the playoffs! They are in the # 2 spot at this point. I am so proud of her progress.

She was much more confident and comfortable than she has been and has come a long way with her ability. She isn't a great basketball player, but she is having fun and proud of herself.

She happens to really be a fabulous baseball player!

I am just drained and bummed after seeing her game as it really is so demoralizing to come in and have the girls all ignore me and not want to even make eye contact and say hello. So very sad that is how they treat me when they are with their Dad.

It's just so strange to me that he acts angry at every interaction still. I mean its been three and a half years now.

Isn't it time to get over it?

The dig today was that when I tried to talk to Katie to tell her about the awesome APPALACHIAN STOMP Clogging workshop that I went to this morning, and tried to show her the book from it, he was nasty and said "You have money for that but not religious Ed."

I had bought the Tap shoes on E-Bay this week and gave them to her and she was just THRILLED! She is not with me today and of course her Dad wouldn't ever dream of allowing her to do anything with me when it is HIS TIME. I was trying to have a decent conversation with him and wanted to ask him if she could come with me for just a few hours this afternoon- but it wasn't even POSSIBLE to enter into any conversation with him as he shut me out and said "I don't want to talk to you. Communicate by e-mail."

Why would he be resentful that I bought tap shoes for Katie for $10 on E-Bay? Why then get angry about the fact he wants me to pay part of the religious ed classes (Which I hadn't know he wanted me to do until today.)

He said he sent an e-mail. Likely one with an attachment. I didn't get that one. But seriously, how hard is it to just send me a letter and not be contentious and agrugmentative and angry at every interacation? How hard would it be to allow the girls to interact with me without correcting me, telling me not to talk to them, and being just downright rude?

Apparently too hard for him.

What is so sickening is that as I sit there like a persona non grata the whole community watches his behavior toward me. It feels so terrible.

And then he turns to them and is gracious and pleasant and friendly.

Of course they are all friendly back. But the truth is they all SEE his interaction, they HEAR his cutting criticism that he publicly makes of me at EVERY INTERACTION.

It just makes me feel so sad.

It was also so sad to see Sadie's eyes darting all over the parking lot as they were leaving as she wanted to see me and say goodbye. He whisked them away while ignoring my presence without opportunity for a proper farewell which I could tell bothered her if not any of the others.

I was glad she caught my eye. I blew her a kiss and she smiled back and blew one to me.

Some connection at least.

If we do have a custody shift I better get used to it.

If a court is so unwise as to think that because I get my girls late to school two or three times a month and I am an imperfect mother that my girls are better off with their imperfect father who DOES get them to school on time every day, well,
I better get used to this kind of interaction as it has been increasingly becoming more the norm, and could become all the more frequent.

Its the heartache afterwards that feels even worse than the moment of being ignored and shunned and sent nasty looks from my children. At least this week none of them said "I HATE YOU" like the last basketball game I attended when they were with their Dad.

I guess being completely ignored is better than them saying "I hate you?"

Although, frankly I think both interactions are a result of my children being TAUGHT to hate!

Its just so amazing to me that a whole system can be so very deceived.

I am confident however that in the end things WILL Eventually work out as they are meant to be. That is my one belief that does bring me peace.

Knowing that at times things happen as we really do become who we are meant to be through these tough life experiences we can not see the value in at the time.

Later we can grow to appreciate the merit in such painful moments.
At least that's what I hold onto hoping that in the end some good will come out of all this.

For now thought, I am going to try to be happy.

Today, I am going to dance.

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