Get your own diary at! contact me older entries newest entry

2010-03-02 - 7:14 a.m.

So blessed to have been able to go to Buffalo and see Katerina's school musical as well as Soren in his professional gig.

She was just beautiful!
It was wonderful to spend the time in between the shows with Katerina, her boyfriend, and her best friend at her best friend's home. It was great to meet her friend's parents and siblings and to be fed incredible Indian Food.

I flew into town on Sunday morn and flew out Monday early to be back in Baltimore at 7:30 AM- Ample time to get to work before 10AM.

I however did get a bit lost... missed a juncture I usually take heading west. Kind co-worker was sweet in giving me directions and letting me know that other than my detour to find out WHERE I WAS as I am NOT familiar with that side of the 495 loop, that I was in fact OK and could go either way.

Further detour to try to find the cable for my GPS that is snapped (we broke TWO of them !! Soren yanked this one out to plug in his i-pod and it broke OOPS....Months ago and I have relied on MAPQUEST ever since.

Except Google maps is better * HA HA... true and sort of funny but not REALLY

I have to tease a LITTLE however, as I haven't yet gotten lost with Google Maps and Mapquest does in fact sometimes not pick up on all the new Northern VA development and does things like sends me to far off fields in Western Loudoun which make me have tramatic past memories...

OK not really (the memories part anyway) Just using humor as always to laugh at myself... I don't need to get lost to have those crop up. Funny how for years I didn't have them but at times there can be a weird trigger.

That is in fact what I hate most of all. ADHD was not all that hard to navigate.

Its not that daunting to recognize, treat it and be at peace knowing that one is reliant on medication to be your best . I can accept that. I can live at peace with that.
Not such a hard shift. It was in fact like getting glasses and realizing life didn't have to be so blurry.

It was in fact WONDERFUL at some level

But this PTSD crap is so much more daunting. I just want it to STOP.

What I don't understand is that when IN the moments we are able to use all the mechanisms to cope. When in combat the soldier is all together.
Its when the vets come home that they have trouble.

When at work I can hyperfocus and be FINE *usually.... HA HA...I can IGNORE the few comments I overhear now and again.

The one's I have overheard of late are ENCOURAGING

"Yes, she's crazy, but NO , she never does that.. NO Never.... That was just an inquiry... She wanted to be sure there was attorney oversight..."

OK I don't think I am so crazy as to hear things not ACTUALLY Being said.

I AM in fact ENCOURAGED that ANY GOOD COMPANY would take care of due diligence to ensure that their employees are fully functional , honest and ethical.

As a Manager I used to encourage my staff at a training I did for them on our Incident reporting process and investigative process:
"In the course of your career here- EXPECT an ethical investigation among us at some point. That is a function of integrity and oversight of management doing their job WELL. WHENEVER THERE IS ANYTHING questionable it is MY JOB to question it and I will TO ENSURE we are all maintaining the highest degree of care and ethics in our work to serve our consumers. I would EXPECT that if doing my job well I will investigate WHENEVER there is a question and them means that AT TIMES SOMEONE will be investigated WHO IS ETHICAL AND DOING THEIR JOB WELL. If you are DO NOT TAKE IT PERSONALLY in the moment, and be encouraged That IF YOU DO fail to live up to expectations I WILL BE HERE To TAKE NOTE AND ADRESS The issues, and be assured that problems will not be ignored. However it does NOT mean you are not a GOOD AND VALUABLE EMPLOYEE and appreciated for all your hard work if I note and address ANY concerns."

So I am reminding myself of my own PEP TALK that I gave to my staff a few times. I should see if I have my notes on that one and my old time management seminar as boy could I use them now myself!

Off to work.

I needed the 10 minutes to write first as I guess it was a little shocking even for me to wake up and to be focused on work (which is what I do- hyperfocus), and to be all ready to leave and THEN TO SUDDENLY REMEMBER that TONIGHT is the ANI DIFRANCO Concert!


And how could I FOGET Soren's show was at 6pm Sun night and NOT 6:30! I was promptly there AT 6:30pm !! That was so disappointing. He DID correct his initial error of telling me the wrong time. I FORGOT!! I mean How it that I forget even the MOST IMPORTANT things to me????

Tonight's the date night with "The Date" which we planned months ago. Its been a long time since we planned it admittedly. However my old friend and her daughter and I always said we would go together ( I didn't call her and I should have!!)
He is up for going. I have kinda pulled back our norm of time spent together as friends so he can be focused on his family, wife and home life without distraction. Think that is the right thing to do. But we will enjoy the show tonight as friends as we planned this one months ago. He's a big folk music fan too, so when he invited me I was thrilled.

Ani was playing in Buffalo one weekend I was there for the opening of her Rightous Babe studio and I was going to take Katerina and Soren but Katerina was sick that night.

I mean, I have never LISTENED to Ani other than one song at the infamous John Lennon Neitzche's tribute years ago. I never bought an album (just not priority to spend money on music for me. When on a tight budget I instead hit the library!)

Ani is very popular, but in a nitch way- not mainstream radio stuff.

So I am really excited to go hear her play. I am NOT FAMILIAR with her music AT ALL! Just familiar with hearing of her from the nanny and my Ex and other Preforming arts cohorts of her class year.

It was also cool that when I went to Soren's show it was in the same building as Rightous Babe Records.

I actually also had a great conversation with the director of her non profit over having a table at her show that was going to be in West VA (Shepardstown area) a few years ago when I dabbled with keeping our family 501c3 educational foundation running and making the focus of it domestic violence education. (It may have been a show of ANOTHER of her signed Rightous BABE singers actually Ani Mitchell comes to mind?... I totally forget now. But there was some event in Shepardstown or Charleston not far...) I dabbled with the thought of maintaining the foundation so that after BAR certified I could devote legal work to women fleeing domestic violence who like me came from situations of financial ASSETS or JOBS ENOUGH so that they fall OUT OF the parameters of being able to get legal assistance, but NOT EARNING ENOUGH to actually be able to afford a lawyer.

But the thing is, I would then have needed MATERIALS, etc.. Energy... a FOCUS on what was offered. (Not that hard to just offer INFORMATION of services that ARE AVAILABLE which ALONE would have been enough of a service) I didn't have the time and energy to be designing and running off the materials to have it ready in time.

The reality was that I realized I couldn't do that at THAT TIME. Great idea to be tabled. I needed to focus on my kids and THIER needs and keeping my life stable and happy and as still under the attack it was clear that was the priority.

Nonetheless, its nice to know that it just isn't THAT hard to find people to be supportive of work such as that.

I think of this now with wonder that I can wake up THIS morning and almost have totally FORGOTTEN about the plans for tonight!

I know HOW, but it really gets disappointing to see how the symptoms of the ADHD which were so easily controlled just get out of hand when the PTSD kicks in as it has of late. Good news is I had yet ANOTHER expert assure me that is all it is and there is not any thought of mania or bi-polar. I just always want to BE SURE that I REALLY AM DOING ALL I CAN DO.

And I wish there was SOMETHING to just make the PTSD symptoms STOP.

Once again, an expert said that I am just classic ADHD. I laughed as he said "If you had mania and took ADHD medication you would be "on fire" with the concurrence of the medication at the same time helping a bit with some symptoms of focus but ALSO kicking up the energy level"

I LAUGHED and said OH! Kinda like the times when I go to work on days I FORGET to take my ADHD medicine!"

Well its working then as the last day I FORGOT to take it I FELT rather manic like and picked up and cranked out a few deals and got an e-mail from someone using that exact phrase 'YOu are on Fire today' (They were easy ones)

I also walked into a garbage can in the lunchroom which I didn't see- and yes even I thought it was rather funny in the moment (although my sweet co-worker I think was mortified!)

The expert laughed and said "Yes it then seems to be working!"

To Mapquest directions... and then off to work and the show tonight.

But first, time to take that medication.

about me - read my profile! read other DiaryLand diaries! recommend my diary to a friend! Get your own fun + free diary at!