2010-03-09 - 6:29 a.m.

I have been trying every self help technique possible to be the best I can be.

I think the latest will be of great help,but once again only to a point.

I awoke today groggy , but happily gathering my thoughts. I was thinking of a redlined draft and the really helpful insight of a co-worker.

Then I realized that after sending her a draft she edited she sent it back and said"Send out this one" which had some brilliant adds.

I said goodby as I left for the day and told her "Nice edit. I tried to draft what I think the sales team wanted, and I think you actually REALLY captured what they REALLY want!"

I am sure she did so brilliantly!

But only upon waking did I realize that I was so caught up in thinking of the CONTENT of her edit that after I read through it I sent our internal draft out to the team and in fact VERY LITERALLY followed the instruction
"Send out this one"

Why the hell does my brain do that?

Why the hell do I interpert things LITERALLY sometimes when I should AFTER THE 100th time of the interaction, the communication, the experience KNOW the NUANCED MEANING.

I awoke, once again still processing that edit- I suppose thinking about it so I will have the insight to make the add next time (it wasn't ASKED for but was MISSING in the contract with this assumption that the needed language was ALREADY THERE- and I spend ALL THIS TIME Carefully reviewing the 600 page contract and all its amendments to SEE if it was there only to confirm it WASN't- -but then it didn't occur to ME to add that language!)

So there are TWO example of why I get so frustrated with my OWN BRAIN. The knowledge TO A POINT... the being on the right track, and then the failure to make that connection in THE MOMENT and FOLLOW THROUGH.

WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED that I didn't connect the dots to
a) think to add the language myself and
b) Sent out that draft following her instruction LITERALLY.

The second error is more foolish than the first. I mean it really irritates me that I wasn't cognizant in the moment of following MY OWN PROCESS of accepting redlines of the review of my draft and THEN Sending it out to our internal team. Despite the fact I really like the teamwork and support of working with MY TEAM co-workers it then is not presented to our larger internal team CLEAN AND COHESIVE. IT is what it is.. and they can now all see my initial draft and her adds, which from a pride point is just fine (from my perspective cause I don't give a hoot when anyone knows I am not perfect and like most are in a constant process of improvement and "tweaking"- but I think is UNNECESSARY and can make OTHERS less comfortable when they get our internal stuff it is a sea of red.)
This one was a sea of red, not cause it was not done well but because I have a kickin smart co-worker who is a perfectionist and made it the BEST IT COULD BE.

I really like working with her.

She has raised the BAR for me.

And I think with that, the growth will help me PASS THE BAR and be the best I can be.

Growth of course is always painful, and I don't particularly think that pain need to be exposed to all in the process! Just a select few to support through it!

Thus I awoke realizing
"CRAP! Why did I do that?"
and still wonder at how this brain of mine works.

I recently had the motherboard of my Dell PC at work replaced. The part was in stock and it took the IT guys all of ONE HOUR to do.

Wish I could find that impaired part of my brain and send it back on recall for a replacement sometime!
Its like there is a circuit that is not working... and the connection sometimes gets slow and static and the message is in there SOMEWHERE but delivered with this LONG DELAY.

Damn, as my co-worker said people get more annoyed when they think I am AM smart but not preforming.

Then again, people get irritated with my success when I have those spurts of brilliant performance and they think it undeserved as they don't see my process and thing somehow they have worked harder for their loss in the moment- which for some reason I don't understand, but some can't see another's success EXCEPT through a lens of their own deficiency. I am thinking now of those debate tournaments, Moot Court...etc...

I definitely preform BEST when under a certain kind of pressure. Then the connections are made just with RAPID FIRE.

CE la vie...
The mystery of my mind.

At least I am feeling SOUND in mind and although a little achy and creaky (really these bones have this weird cracking sound lately- need more exercise!), strong enough in body.

So Life is Good despite the imperfections.

I start of this mornings inspiration with Lesson # 33 of A Course In Miracles, which I have been enjoying as part of my daily spiritual exercise to keep strong in Spirit:

"There is another way of looking at the world"
Good thought. There is likewise another way of looking at each document. I have GROWN- as when I started this job I didn't pay attention to formatting, font , margins etc. Now I see that which I was once oblivious to.

Its a good analogy for life. We see that which we are LOOKING FOR. Nothing more and nothing less- so it really is up to us to frame the lens through which we choose to look at the world.

I am working on developing the lens needed to be not only good but GREAT at my job.

And thankful that as far as the rest of life- I am happy to have had a very clear lens all along, which only gets foggy SOMETIMES.

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