2010-03-24 - 12:27 a.m.
DAMN This is the month for stupid fiscal faux pauxs!!
I can't BELIVE that just last night when laying in bed, in popped the thought "I have to go to Match.com and be sure it is TOTALLY CANCELLED"...
as I was thinking that
1. the renewal might show up which I don't want
and then I assessed if I might really WANT the service and thought
2. Hell no, I have too many men in my life as it is ! * HA HA...
Seriously , I have no problem meeting wonderful men...
And then I thought just for amusement
What would the perfect ad be?
and I thought of a creative funny and brutally honest ad for myself. The fantasy ad that one would NEVER REALLY POST- some perfect juxtaposition of OPPOSITES that are almost IMPOSSIBLE to meet. (Isn't that what all women want?)
Something like :
Seeking a totally romantic man who will lie so fabulously to me SOMETIMES , but with such a shit grin that there is NO MISTAKE he is just so full of it that I never will feel like he was disingenuous and led me on... .as a I WANT HIM TO PRETEND I AM HIS WORLD IN THE MOMENT, and I WANT him to MAKE ME FEEL BEAUTIFUL AND VALUED AND SPECIAL and as if I AM TRULY A PRIORITY
But if he is one of those fools who disingenuously delivers canned lines of BS that are SO OBVIOUS to see through I will make fun of him and ask "Do women really FALL FOR THAT CRAP? YOU HAVE GOT TO BE KIDDING!!"
* As we laughed at the proposal that Pocohontas told me of from the man she went to dinner with one time on her vacation who attested she was the woman of his dreams....
Cracked up as she told me the story and said " Clearly he was NOT HEALTHY. Anyone who will PROPOSE after knowing someone a couple of days is definitely NUTS!"
To be honest, I don't REALLY want to be any man's priority
He must have OTHER priorities in life and not look to me to find his fulfillment and sense of purpose, as I can't OFFER such as
MY KIDS are my # 1 priority now and will remain so;
So he MUST be a man who has OTHER friends (and in particular other WOMEN friends and who is comfortable with me having other MEN friends without fear that I would be having any romantic interest or involvement with anyone other than him! I mean jealous, paranoid, or possessive and not trusting men can stop reading NOW.)
However, I want a man who has INTEREST in hearing about my kids
but NOT REALLY itching to meet or spend time with them as I don't REALLY want that in a relationship with a man-
They have a father.
I had two husbands and that didn't work out so well
so the last thing I am looking for is a husband or someone to help raise the kids-
Yet at the same time, if the right guy came along and things clicked SO WELL on so many different levels that would not be something I am TOTALLY opposed to consideration of WAY DOWN THE ROAD... as in after they are half grown and he has proved himself dedicated and committed to me for a long, long time ( HA HA) .... But don't try to rush that as if you do I will BOLT the other way.
I AM LOOKING for an HONEST man who is not going to lie and tell me some BS about a commitment which doesn't REALLY EXIST
And at this juncture I prefer not to even THINK about a commitment to any man
and the possibility of such seems so remote-
Yet at the SAME Time, if that is NOT EVER A REMOTE POSSIBILITY I wont even WASTE YOUR TIME OR MINE
That is not what I hope for.
For me, there must be MORE -- yes lots more that lights my fire and makes me interested in considering a serious intimate relationship.
There must be a true commitment of FRIENDSHIP as a strong foundation, shared values...
But this is not the funny quirky juxtaposition of opposites that would be IMPOSSIBLE to ever meet which is how I envisioned writing a totally funny ad.
My envisioned humorous writing exercise is yet to be achieved...
I am just not that inspired right now.
Perhaps cause I am so happy with my life as it is right now.
I have ENOUGH attention - all I need to feel wonderful and valued and special, from those who are in my life.
I get enough nurturing, friendship and support- and yes a bit of romance thrown in here and there too! It is just the right thing for this juncture of my life!
So I got out of bed TONIGHT to actually NOT PUT IT OFF And FOLLOW UP and CANCEL THE DARN PLAN.
I mean the ONLY reason I reactivated the darn thing was that in an impulsive moment after discovering my EX's current ad seeking women in MONTANA while HE WAS OFF ON VACATION IN MONTANA, I truly thought is was too darn funny NOT to re-activate and write a totally HUMOROUS SNARKY MOCK AD seeking men in Montana that ONLY fit his description in busting him ! I then sent him a Wink and as there was a current SALE it seemed worth doing at the time-
Heck I have SO FEW indulgences in life!
I figured he might actually want to get out of the relationship and that was his passive aggressive non confrontational way of doing it-- leaving a profile for me to find. I didn't want to make it so easy , so figured I would instead send the funny response and laugh until he got it and responded knowing I wasn't TOO UPSET and thought the whole thing funny but aware he had no way of knowing that. I figured it could go one of two ways:
1. He would get over his panic fear of commitment issues (which were classic and a repetitive pattern) or
2. He wouldn't and then in 6 mos or so maybe I would WANT a date and be interested in using the service.
That was truly a rather dumb impulsive WASTE OF MONEY!
So it FIGURES that after not having thought about that site and thinking of my FINANCES and thinking "IS there ANYTHING I CAN CUT from my budget?" That LAST NIGHT that site came to mind...
and I came on line to BE RESPONSIBLE, and then LO AND BEHOLD JUST TODAY IT WAS AUTOMATICALLY RENEWED!!!!
DARN DARN DARN.
I need to learn that when I have an INTUITIVE THOUGHT that I AM BEST OFF JUST BLINDLY FOLLOWING IT
I Swear- Today there was LESS tension at work and I went to lunch with the friend whom I felt the tension with after my impulsive IM with the difficult attorney yesterday. Did that IM HELP our office sense of cohesiveness? ABSOLUTELY
In a WEIRD WAY, the TENSION was just NOT THERE FOR ME today! I swear it was BROKEN as I addressed the issues that were lingering- both MINE and everyone else's in one full quick swoop!
But the few times I HAVE SOME WEIRD IMPULSIVE THOUGHT OUT OF THE BLUE and DON't follow up on it, I am paying-- LITERALLY
There on my bank statement just today shows that stupid renewal of MATCH.COM
At THE WORST TIME
WHEN I DON"T WANT IT
AND WON'T USE IT
AND CAN'T AFFORD IT
And JUST had that thought LAST NIGHT to be sure that was cancelled and an automatic renewal would not go through!
UGH!!!
DARN BACK TO BED...
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