2010-04-09 - 8:16 p.m.

Pulled the Match profile already. I don't have any patience for the BS of men who send nonsensical e-mails that do little more than waste my precious time cleaning out my in-box.

I should post some of the more hilarious ones. They are a hoot and good for a laugh. I had my neighbor and friend "The date" rolling over some of them as I read a few to him. Sadly the first affair his wife had was believing some of the BS of some dude who wooed her online.

So sad that anyone can be naive to fall for such BS.

I am forgiving myself for the stupidity of having forgotten to cancel that and be sure an auto renewal didn't pop up.

Ce la vie.

Its a bit ironic however I swear we get what we ask for.

I had this random thought "Maybe I will just meet some nice conservative Catholic guy at church someday when I am ready and not looking."

Ironic as then lo and behold just when I WASN'T LOOKING
ZING... MAJOR ATTRACTION of the MUTUAL And VERY AWARE KIND.

However, once again, CLEARLY NOT THE GOOD KIND of thing that would be worth even considering for a variety of reasons.
Doesn't take me more than a few moments to read people- men in particular.

In any case that little moment made me laugh and think of a variation of the poem I wrote that started off

"Everyone falls in love in April..."

I in fact have a few variations that have been created over the past few weeks. All along the same lines, that it is a very natural BIOLOGICAL urge to have the emotions and desire and instinct and visceral part of our selves in the Spring such that there is an "awakening"

So I suppose that is the difference between bunnies and those of us really celebrating Easter.

The celebration of Spring solstance and pagan ritual was marked by eggs to represent fertility..
oh boy I know that feeling of feeling fertile... very distinctly LOL...
clear effects of hormonal cycles and the natural order of things.
SO it fascinates me how much the MOON cycles and SEASONS also impact ones mood and desires and people's behavior.

NOw back to my though of that distinction between actual Bunnies and those who spiritually celebrate Easter.

This is on my mind as in our home this Easter bunny gave the girls Chocolate Crosses to keep the focus on the celebration of Jesus' Resurrection.

And I think the fact that we have used the Easter egg, the symbol of fertility and celebration of not only new life, but also sexual awakening, to be that symbol of the ultimate re-birth of Christ's resurrection and redemption and of course our OWN redemptive possibly of being one with God through the forgiveness via the love of Christ and his sacrifice, to mean is an assertion of our spiritual natures being paramount over our visceral animal instinct.

That taking of the very symbol the pagans used for the seasons and the cycles and the natural order of things and infusing it with meaning to assert there is more is really beautiful.

YES I believe there is more. Yes I have a deep spirituality,

and yes, I ADMIT that it would be all too easy for me to just enjoy living as freely as a bunny...hopping around without thought but just enjoying the moment thinking "it is what it is" and "let's not analyze or think to much."

Yet that hedonistic philosophy to me is the psychological inversion of the AMEN. The prayer of "So BE IT" which is meant as the sacrificial submission of self to the will of another, perverted in a way to saying that turning oneself over to the pleasure of man is in some way OK.

The Let it Be can be uttered either way-- as an "Amen" of trusting and turning our weak will over to the Lord so we are not selfish and seeking the feeding of our own egos and selfish desires,

OR
"It is what it is" and Accepting that which we have chosen as if we have not power of will otherwise.

We ALWAYS have power of will to make choices.

And we can choose which way to frame that act of submission- to turn ourselves over to God and seek his help, or to turn ourselves over to our natural instinct and animalistic desires. That is indeed an act which also is the throwing off of one's ego and at times a complete giving of self, but in a way which yields short term pleasure and release of self which in the moment of ecstasy is so wonderful and yes healthy for the body and calming to the mind, yet can desensitize ones spirit and compassion and empathy and caring for others in disregard of the consequences and effects of choices made in a small moment which are based not on thought but desire.
There is a truth that submission is required in love. There is a truth that there is spirituality in the act of love making when it is founded on love as the basis and not founded on selfish pleasure. I however think that without commitment which is the part of willful CHOICE to love even through the moments when one doesn't FEEL it, we desensitize ourselves. We learn to shut off connection of souls even when physically connected. We separate pleasure from expressions of love. We therefore desensitize ourselves and blur the boundaries of our very self as well as another. For it isn't the true two becoming one of a commitment, then acts of sex have to be downplayed and the importance minimized OR those who have engaged in such behavior have to deceive themselves by playing at and pretending they are in love and committed. There is a deception of self and the lover in that game of pretend in order to feel the enjoyment of the pleasure of such moments of connection which at our core we know should be shared only with those we have such a deep commitment with. There is that knowledge of the proper place for such connection which even if one proclaims they DON'T BELIEVE, they subconsciously MUST believe that to be the case when they automatically think "I am in Love" after having experiences a wonderful sexual connection. (Which physiologically is how men DO FALL IN LOVE! Their instinctive nature of protector and provider kicks in after great sex and many sub-coniously take it a step further if NOT healthy, and then want to "save" the damsel in distress.

Which is all part of why the REAL spiritual nature of love and deeper attachment and connection to another begins with commitment at that point at which a couple is loving each other BEYOND that visceral easy phase of being driven by desire.

For only then, is the choice to love a conscious one. Only then is that choice to love going to bring us to a connection that surpasses the ones which are SO EASY To make and don't require growth and don't require us to become better people ourselves. Only then do we really learn what it is to love ourselves and one another.

Again, it is that sacrifice of giving up ourselves by which we paradoxically can find that which we are meant to be. That deep love will never otherwise be experienced- and most often the only motivator left for a couple to work through their differences is children. Yet in doing so they often grow and then rediscover not only their partner, but them-self as well.

What a better motivator for love in this world- than our children.
And what greater sacrifices do we make but the subjugation of our own personal desires for the sake of our children.

Yet I find that truly those moments when my children are happy in my presence spending time with me are in fact the greatest gift I have ever had in my life.

I just also had another thought that somehow paradoxically perhaps there is a strange connection between those seemingly polar interpretations of "It is what it is" and "So be it."

For I just realized that once I did hear a startling statistic of the number of marriages which started at the moment of an unplanned pregnancy. It was still a startling high number despite the era we are in. (Googles but can't yet find it now!) That made me think that perhaps at times our human nature takes over and we are not rational strong willed beings beacuse if that were NOT the case NO ONE WOULD EVER GET MARRIED OR HAVE CHILDREN ANYMORE!!

HA HA...
I have said, "Anyone who is waiting for the right time will always be single, and always be childless"

So perhaps all things are connected and have a place in this grand plan of Gods- and perhaps, just as it was said that the cornerstone of Peter's church was at one time his weakness which became his strength, perhaps our weakness is in fact used and changed and transformed- which is in fact one of the greatest mysteries of all.

Once again, that redemption, and the re-birth that results.

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