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2010-04-23 - 8:50 a.m.

E-Mail rant I am not sending as it is TOO LONG!!! More appropriately a journal entry to vent. Short "Thanks for sending food " to the parents of my girl's friends is more appropriate! They were very sweet. The girls had a blast at their family farm yesterday afternoon playing. So below is the e-mail I am NOT sending. They sent me a hilarious e-mail of jokes about divorce that had me rolling this AM.

"Good morning I am REALLY tired this AM I have to be sure to not be up too late on school nights.

Here's my comedy moment of this AM. The imagined response to the question of "WHY WERE YOU LATE?"

We Were Late this AM and I hate the grilling I get from the school with an attitude about WHY

We were only 5 minutes late as the announcements were in session.

I am so tempted to go in late to work this AM to see Katie's class play which is at 10:30AM. I am going to call my boss and get a feel for it... we are so slammed at work however and there is a 4 bedroom the realtor and I want to get into see tonight, so it will be a bad idea to go in late. I think I will forego looking at the property and hit the play instead.* Wait I am supposed to meet here at 6:30pm, not all THAT early and I have to drop kids off at 7pm anyway... so I guess I can still check it out.

CRAP that stinks there was not ONE COMMUNICATION from school about this play other than one small note of what Katie needed. Katie told me about it very excited.

And to top it off the Brer Rabbit stories are the FIRST book I EVER READ and she is playing BRER RABBIT. It was the AH HA moment of being able to read that I have such a great memory of and then I read that book over and over. I loved that book! It was a Disney version with big color illustrations so I feel like I HAVE TO see my daughter in this play!

Off to call the boss at work and see if I can play hookey (I usually have trouble using all my time but with strep etc have been burning through it!)

Thanks again for the pizza! IT was AWESOME for me for breakfast after feeding the girs (I just munched on it while writing) and the half that didn't have mushrooms went in lunches along with some French Bread I had and sausage. Made packing easy! Other half will be my lunch.

The girls were on their own getting ready and I just let them navigate their issues with each other and mediate ONLY when needed. Its a totally opposite method of their DAd. I basically get them up remind them its time to dress , remind to brush teeth and hair but let them all be COMPLETELY independent and only help WHEN ABSOLUTELY NEEDED with reminder of when to go down to eat and when to leave. (They then take too long sometimes, but overall do well!)

Years of training as a site manager of a group home... I know that to do everything for my kids won't be helpful in the long run,

But I am rambling here in a vent as I get annoyed then at the snide look accompanying the question "Why are you late"

I get irritated at the litany of excuses then read back in attack of me later

So today when the girls answered "I don't know"

and the school nurse turned then to me, perhaps it WAS just a bit passive agressive to say

"WE don't know,"

That one might come back to bite me...

I only amused myself with the imagined response which would have been so much MORE FUN but they don't have any sense of humor...

I imagined mocking my EX by saying

"Oh I must be entering a down cycle.. maybe my medication needs balancing..."

HA HA....

He is totally trying to paint a picture of me as a crazy nut...

But they haven't a sense of humor AT ALL and wouldn't realize it would be making fun of him and his illusions. So instead I imagined how that would have been a great Erin Brokivich moment that would work on the big screen and made myself laugh at the thought but refrained.

I have another response I have not actually said.. .but imagined... but I can tell you that one some day in person as its a long ramble of the psyocanalysis of why there are behavior issues and transference of kids who have left an abusive situation and then play it out elsewhere. I amuse myself with the thought of a long dissertation answere in response to the loaded question of "Why are you late" which I am aware is one of my Ex's tools for his trial prep.

I guess I saw "I don't know" as less volitile and less angry of a response.

And better than some BS excuse like "Raitlin insisted that since the clocks are set a bit fast they are all wrong and therefore this AM refused to believe it was REALLY time to go when it was."

because that is just assigning BLAME and I am quite sick of that

So the method of setting clocks twenty minutes early has meet the end of its cycle of usefulness. Before the girls come back I will make them all ACCURATE and let them all know that. This week they completely ignored all prompts and clocks cause they BELIEVED they were up ridiculously early and therefore meandered at the normal pace and at times even slower believing they were going to arrive to school early !

I did tell them that I expect that if they are READY early they can get a book and read and they can get to school EARLY and read.

I think that is next step as a motivational tool as Harry Potter is highly motivating at this time.

So next week I think I will just put all Harry Potter Books in the CAR and remind the girls they are no longer in bedrooms as some were staying up too late reading.

YEs.. this was a good ramble as I came up with the next tactic for motivation. Vent felt good and I think I have something that will work for a few weeks.

With my kids I not only have to maintain the consistent routine but I have to do SOMETHING NEW TO MOTIVATE every few weeks. It will work for a few weeks and then the novelty wears off and I have to creatively think of something new.

Still working hard on developing that INTERNAL motivation and drive.

They just don't have it.

They are still in the conditioned response to punishment/reward systems that has been so ingrained in them.

Truth is they resist that I don't SPANK Them and get angry and volitile as I think they are TRYING to instigate the norm they are used to of a volitile angry response with the physical affect as well.

One morn this week after a smooth AM (like typical) - Mornings are smooth and peaceful usually- but just running a little SLOWER than I would like.

I like that they are not FRANTIC and FRENZIED and stressful.
I like making pancakes and eggs and breakfast.

Anyway, one morn this week after a peaceful morning it was so weird that Alexy then had a meltdown power battle in the CAR over staying in her seat and putting on her seatbelt.
Now I HAVE said the ONE TIME I WILL SPANK is if a kid won't leave a seatbelt on and be safe.

I told the girls
"I don't care if you are late, Safety comes first."

* IT used to be "I don't care if you are late, you are brushing your teeth and hair before leaving for school-- but the litigation made me reassess and lower that standard on occasion.

NOw they go in without those done if they will be on time and then just don't get the sticker on their chart.

So the weird thing is that When Alexy then said " IF YOU DON'T SPANK ME YOU DON'T LOVE ME" I think it was a very insightful moment of explanation of their behavior issues.

I feel like for the past three years they have been TRYING to get me to BE VIOLENT as that is the NORM they are USED TO.

I think they WANT to illicit a physical discipline and the yelling and the TOTAL CONTROL response with FEAR BASED PARENTING as that is what they ARE COMFORTABLE WITH.


And of course as it is STILL There norm that just VALIDATES that is OK.
And as it is SO OPPOSITE and kids have trouble with GREY and the world has trouble with GREY and loves to pit folks against each other the kids are NOT getting a message that BOTH PARENTING METHODS of using physical discipline and instilling FEAR of misbehavior AND USING LOVING SUPPORT WITH CALM PEACEFUL Re-direction and encouragement and intervention to ensure safety but otherwise allowing kids to learn by doing ARE BOTH VALID METHODS OF PARENTING.

Maybe I am in the anomoly as while I don't CONDONE VIOLENCE

I still don't think that those who use physical discipline are these evil people who should be demonized.

I don't even think anyone who lost it and hit his wife or vice versa should be demonized. I think he/she should be offered loving helpful SUPPORT and one needn't stand there and get hit.

The world needs the drill sergeants and the engineers and rocket scientists and neurosurgeons...

and the world needs lawyers and mediators and teachers and care providers.

* HA HA I put the lawyers in the 2nd group as I STILL Think that in the overall assessment a lawyer who is detail orientated and nit picky is not the best as a well rounded one that hires a kicking paralegal of CM for that JOB! * HA HA

I still think I am where I SHOULD be professionally and doing a damn good job albeit not perfect.

Just like I am as a mother.

Truth is, I am PROUD of the girls for having made it only 5 minutes late this AM when allowed the chance to be totally independent. I think they have come A LONG LONG WAY and that is remarkable, Yes there are a number of process areas we could have improved last night and this AM if I were PERFECT and had all the energy and no need to sleep. However I am not a super human machine so I DID put the kids to bed last night and made lunch this AM.

They disengaged from arguing with each other WITHOUT My intervention. THAT WAS AWESOME TO SEE.

They won't learn these skills if not given the opportunity.

To me it was WORTH being 5 minutes late to watch that growth.

But the school will never understand so I have GIVEN UP on trying to communicate this to them.

I give up.

Let the world think what they want.

Should the litigation go poorly for me, I will then just publish "MOMMY INTERRUPTED" and some day my kids can read it.

However I still think in the end it will go just fine.

I still think my time and money is better spent on actually taking care of my kids and home than on lawyers and litgation and preparing for court.

I prefer to LIVE My life that be engrossed and consumed by defending my life.

I just don't have time or money for that.

Income too high and four lawyers turned my case down telling me I need $20,000 up front to fight the "Experts" and money my Ex has thrown into the arena.

If I am going to come up with money like that at this juncture, it will be for a down payment for a house.

I think that a BETTER use of my resources as a investment in my children at this juncture.

AS I have been pulled into court EVERY YEAR since the divorce decree three years ago.

EVERY YEAR for another round of nonsense litigation.

So I have only one thing to bring to the table.

I will mediate a settlement with only one condition:


I REFUSE TO AGREE to giving up either legal or physical custody.

I suggested to the court a very reasonable shift of days months ago when I argued the case shouldn't even be heard.

I don't need to prepare as I have been prepared with a well thought out resolution months ago when I argued this shouldn't go to trial.

I was told I wouldn't even be granted the hearing, and I was given TWO to argue that. SO I think I am doing damn well Pro Se and am going to ignore all the naysayers.


DAMN as I am just going to work and am skipping the play. I feel like I HAVE To at this juncture as work is busy now and I have that commitment. Katie and I are in a good place right now and she didn't EXPECT Me to be there.

Shoot I shouldn't be a chicken to call my boss. I have this thing about HATING taking off work. That workaholic gene it took years to combat. I am proud I take vacations now! HAHA

9:24 Yeah I will get over MY FEAR and make the damn call.

Katie will appreciate it and that is important.

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