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2010-04-24 - 2:42 p.m.

I am sad today. I don't often feed sadness but this week I did indeed have a few tough days in which I felt down.

I know this is related to the Mediation session coming up.

I know I likely should have PREPARED for that other than the response I wrote in an attempt -- let me correct that, the DEMUR
I prepared and argued before the court.

Here is the best definition of that procedure yet!( I checked the spelling and this came up)

DEMUR- to make objection, esp. on the grounds of scruples

Yes it is on the grounds of scruples that I object to this whole nasty business of custody battles when they are not warranted and helpful to children.

I certainly support them when there is REALLY a situation in which a child needs to be PROTECTED from a bad situation.

That is not, nor has EVER been the case with my children. When there WAS an unhealthy home I sought help and protected them at every turn.

Now this matter is simply vengeful. Either that or is it the result of a mentally ill mind, which I am starting to speculate about yet again.

For this AM, what made me sad was the ANGER at which my EX said to me "After the way your nanny treated me I don't even want to take to you or be around you. SHE IS CRAZY"

OK, the anger , the attempting to frame everyone in my world as CRAZY... from the Child Care Center in Town who were crazy when THEY called the police after the Ex showed up there a couple of years ago, to my nanny, to my friend that was sitting Ratlin (until court papers were filed attacking HER and claiming SHE had allowed Ratlin to be unattended), to the then freaking our last night when after picking up Alexy from the day care center and bringing her to the ball field at 7pm to meet Dad to be YELLED at that I was negligent for NOT having fed her dinner, to then getting energy bars from the car of my always prepared Nanny to give them to Raitlin and Alexy to tide them over until baseball practice is over , to then have Dad read the label and see "natural and artificial flavor" and then whip the snack from the children's hands and tell them they couldn't eat it and then go off on me about how they can't eat anything artificial.

Now this is not a nut allergy.
A PREFERENCE as YES IT IS HEALTHIER and it is in fact MY PREFERNCE however if you have a kid hungry at 7pm because she wasn't yet home at dinner time , most would let the kid eat it and not take the opportunity to make a scene and attack her mother-once again in front of everyone in plain view.

Which is why this whole thins is so depressing. There are COUNTLESS people in this communinity who have strong opinins of my EX husband. He has made MORE enemies than friends. However the few he is courting the past few years with his sweetness and support are happy to go to bat. The others are more than a little afrid to be involved as I swear they think he IS NOT EMOTIONALLY WELL BALANCED.

Now the truth is that after YEARS of this I TOO am not emotionally well balanced!

I am doing my best, but the effects of being attacked for so damn long do take the toll after a while.

Which is why I left.


Even the most TOXIC situation


This AM I got a call from the girls DAD with one word "MEDICINE"

and I said "DARN I FORGOT",
so I did have to run out this AM to hand off the Amoxicillin as two of the girls had been diagnosed with STREP throat last THU and still are on that.

It was sad to go give it to him and ask the girls WHERE the celebration of them having won an ARBOR DAY CONTEST is at today (some park) which they had told me so very excited about, for him to turn to the girls and say
"Don't tell her.If you do I will not bring you."

Katie and Raitlin won the poster contest and were going to be given awards.

I mean how mean is that to do to your kids?

It was just terrible to witness the anger and venom he was expressing in that moment.

I actually googled it and figured I would go - he would have NO NEED to interact with me. Its a public event and in fact the girls were well aware of it as I volunteered with the Master Gardeners at this even LAST YEAR and told them all about it and told them that they should BE SURE TO FINISH THEIR POSTERS this year as I told them "IF you do I am SURE at least ONE of you will win a prize if not more as you are ALL very talented artists!"

So here this is something I have encouraged and talked to them about, and they wanted me to go to - but then when in the presence of their Dad they cling to him (in FEAR I BELIEIVE) and when I asked the girls "Do you want me to come to see you?"

THEY responded "NO"

Because it would be better for me to NOT go and for their DAD to bring them , than for him to spitefully not bring them just because I expressed interest in sharing the moment with them.

SO VERY WEIRD. I witnessed that behavior years ago when we WERE still married and I came home from working that Target night shift and got all the girls ready to go to Sadie's soccer game. On that occassion her Dad was SO ANGRY that I was starting to come- and we were still married and trying to navigate a family together- that he blocked my car in the drive and acted so crazy and took off with Sadie and DIDN'T BRING her to her own game because he instead choose to flip out and scream at me out of the blue.

It was so freakin weird in that moment. He was freaking as her shirt hadn't been laundered before I went to work, and when I got home from the night shift I threw it in the washer and then dryer and she had to wait as it dried. He was going off on me about being irresponsible etc... as then laundry was solely my responsibility in our household division of labor.

IT was the angry, volatile reaction with such BITTERNESS which is so very scary and bizarre that makes me wonder yet again if there is not something SERIOUSLY MENTALLY WRONG WITH THIS MAN.

And I think that the violence is often in response to some threat to health- real or imagined, whether it is GERMS from dirty laundry, or ARTIFICIAL COLOR in food, or a baby bottle that was left out more than the recommended 30 minutes...

(The first time he pummeled me violently he was angry I had given Sadie a bottle to finish that had been left out too long by his standards.)

I think this man could so benefit from seeking help FOR HIS ISSUES yet instead he continues to just continue to attack ME at every turn.

I usually IGNORE IT all and try to live my life.

I realize I did not PREPARE yet for the Mon afternoon mediation session as it is SO DAMN PAINFUL to do, that I just put if off.

I decided not to throw more money on lawyers.
I decided to wait until after the so called mediation session to provide the law guardian all the contacts for her to investigate my world.

IN PART due to the EXCUSE that I am paying for her time, so I should be smart and not do so unless she is NEEDED for a trial. Let's WAIT until after the mediation session.

I found out however she is INVOLVED in that mediation process.

I was surprised by that. But I guess as the lawyer for the children that DOES make sense. However I would have thought that a lawyer for them would not be NEEDED if both parties come to mediation and her role would ONLY kick in if we then HAVE TO GO TO TRIAL.

But what was so upsetting was that last night I read the Motion to appoint her as law guardian again. Now when the opposing counsel handed that to me with the comment "JUST SIGN IT AS EVEN IF YOU DON't THEN WE ARGUE IT IN COURT AND SHE IS GOING TO BE APPOINTED ANYWAY" so I agreed to sign as I don't want to take time off work for nonsense unless needed, I DID NOTICE That it said "PLAINTIFF MOTION"

I am the plaitiff.

I called the DEFENDANT'S ATTORNEY ON THAT, but still signed the damn thing.

I knew it was BS when he said "OH that was a mistake"
and I said "YEAH RIGHT."

But I have no idea why at that moment I was in such a state of mind that I didn't REFUSE to sign and just tell him to stop the procedural games.

I only got mad about that LAST NIGHT.

Its like it only sunk in LAST NIGHT
that it APPEARS that I MOTIONED for this particular law guardian.

Now I don't know if that matters, but it seems to me that it stinks to play such games.

It might matter when it comes to PAYING for her services, which the order says we will share.

I should have fought that and had a court appointed one that would cost less and petitioned to have the state pay for an IMPARTIAL party- not one who ALREADY had a formulated opinion who in the PAST recommended full custody to their Father. ( THe judge knew better than to grant that.)

I do have a sense the judge is a man who hopefully is a wise man that sees through the BS. I can't help but like him as a person the more I know about him. I have talked to many who know him either in the community or who were before his court who told me some funny stories.

I like his wit. One dude who had a DUI after having been clean for a number of years said HE LOVES JUDGE HORNE and in his past life before he cleaned up his alcoholism, was before him many a time.

So its nice people can appreciate and respect this man even when they don't always agree with decisions.

I wish my EX husband could learn to do that at SOME POINT.

I even have respect for the Judge who ruled AGAINST me in the Protective Order hearing. I recently re-read the transcript of THAT hearing and it made sense to me he ruled the way he did based on a few premises:

1. Truthfulness of what was said by my Ex's LAWYER and
2. LACK OF EVIDENCE strongly presented

WHILE I disagreed and thought him having breached his duty by REFUSING to hear "FURTHER Evidence" as he had "HEARD FROM BOTH PARTIES"
I realized he actually HAD Listened to what was presented and he UNDERSTOOD a few fundamental facts and he REALLY DID DO WHAT HE THOUGHT IN THE BEST INTEREST OF THE CHILDREN

He heard that if the evidence I had available in that court was presented

MY KIDS would Not only not have both parents actively in their life,
They WOULD Have had one in Jail.

The Commonwealth of VA attorney understood that and settled the Criminal Charges against my husband that THEY FILED.

It was not that no one found the stories of abuse CREDIBLE.

It was rather that they DID KNOW THEM TO BE CREDIBLE and they all believed it was BETTER for us all if we as parents just DIVORCED

So Judge Wisenat said "You don't need a protective order. You need a divorce. For the sake of these kids, grow up and work together and figure out what you are going to do as these kids need to have stability and you both need to live somewhere and provide that."

So at this juncture, I am honestly kind of HAPPY that this is the SAME JUDGE that was now appointed to handle MY REQUEST FOR MEDIATION.

I think I understand moreso why he overruled that protective order. Had he head the evidence, not only would he have NOT Overruled it, but the long term effects for my girls likely would have been worse. ( WAS WHAT I THINK WAS HIS LINE OF THINKING)

A photo of a welt in the shape of a handprint on the stomach of a six year only being presented in court just would have had some serious consequences.

I came on here to write and I never EXACTLY know what I am going to write about.
I THOUGHT I was going to write about why I still continue to write her.

I have a Therapist who told me perhaps I should lock this thing.

When I think of doing that it makes me actually PANIC. For a long time this was my tool for SAFETY

Anyone who loves me can check on line and know that I am alright.

It so hard for anyone who has not been there to understand the effects of having been in a physically abusive volatile relationship.

The chilling effects run deep.

I still don't have a cell phone and still live in fear -- NOT EVERY DAY, but only a few moments here and there.

I do what I need to do to work through them and then focus and function on a daily basis.

I go to work and do the best job I CAN.

I come home and do the best job as a mother and homemaker I CAN.

My life is a joyful, great one overall- filled with my wonderful kids and a few close friends and a loving supportive family (albeit all out of town and with whom I connect about every other year!)
But my life is scarred at this point with moments of not trusting ANYONE, and moments of sheer terror.

I am proud I do what I need to do to work through them and get the affirmation I need.

Even if it is SOMETIMES quirky or uncomfortable- I think its not so far gone crazy to be bothersome so much to the others in my life! * I HOPE!!

And I am HONEST. I tell people if I had a "moment" of not feeling well.

And I push through them.

I just hope that the stress of the litigation is to account for the increase of late of those paranoid fearful moments of terror.

I DEFINITELY have had an increase of them.

I try to push them and take steps to overcome the fear.

I took a BIG Step in asking my boss if she thought I would benefit from a Blackberry. * I don't REALLY want one. But I thought if I could overcome this fear of being hacked and fear of electronic devices and surveillance that I have had since I left my husband and he used to call me regularly and do things like say "I need a pizza pan, is there one you can bring me" JUST AS I WAS WASHING IT IN THE SINK

Or call to say " What is Sadie's social security number. I am taking her to the WAchoivia to open an account" RIGHT AS MY BRAZILIAN NANNY and I were heading out the door to go to Wachovia to open HER account.... etc... etc..

Those are two of the MANY moments that happened for those two years in which he let me know with great intention that I WAS BEING WATCHED and I WAS NOT SAFE.

Not to mention the many moments that made it seem almost impossible that I WAS NOT BEING HACKED AT HOME...

Its a little hard to overcome the FEAR of using basic technology when I know the potential it has.

So I might be a bit off at times... hypervigalent, hyper cautious, mistrustful, paranoid... etc etc...

I feel like OVERALL it is difficult ONLY FOR ME.

* OK it got to be too much for the man that then did date me for two years.

But other than that, I think my FRIENDS and FAMILY and sadly even my co-workers who I wished I never had to BRIEF about any of this weirdness... but I HAD to when there were a few MOMENTS at work over the past couple of years... ALL are understanding and supportive.

OK maybe my co-workers think I am crazy.

I so hope not.

I so hope that fear is just one of the fears in my head!

Why do I keep writing this and leave it for the WHOLE WORLD TO SEE? When I KNOW that if it WERE FOUND it could professionally be challenging?

I guess because I know the truth that I am honest and ethical and hard working and I don't feel like there should be any SHAME in my life as it has played out for me. I think there should be PRIDE at the trial I have overcome and continue to work through in my life with a positive attitude and faith and Trust and BELIEVE in the goodness of people being able to overcome negative.

But at this point, truth be told, it is also because it is this WRITING that is the one thing that I think DOES keep me sane.

In a touch moment I can write and let it all out, and then go to work and literally not think about the issue that was on my mind ALL DAY LONG. Or the NEXT DAY for that matter.

I write and I LET GO.

Which is why I am STILL WRITING NOW...

As I am sad today and it this process itself that is calming and very theraputic.

I so look forward to the days when this tension and fighting and attacking of me is over and I can use the time I write with JOY being CREATIVE .

I enjoy spurts of that here and there when inspired. However I think with a routine and discipline I could actually create SOMETHING that INSPIRES SOMEONE.

And the thought of locking this puts me in a panic. I STILL Have that fear "What if something were to happen to me one day"
My family is all out of town.
I want THEM to be able to sleep at night knowing I am safe.

I don't know if this vehicle helps in any way.. but at least it makes ME BELIEVE that knowing my MOM can come here and read this - that fact ALONE makes me feel more connected to her and makes me BELIEVE that she can come here and get some peace of mind!

* HA HA OF course I tend to write when I have ISSUES to work out and not as much about the wonderful things in my life!

But still... its that connection that I am not good at taking time to do otherwise. I am terrible at calling. I get absorbed in the responsibilities and the girls and work and then it is TOO LATE to call when I have down time.

OK I am done.

Off to the ballgame. The girls are so excited to be playing. I just had to be strong before I headed there.

Cause who knows what disparaging comment I will hear.

I am NOT feeling strong right now. I needed to bolster my strength before going to fact TODAY's NEXT attack.

The good news is that long ago I think I STOPPED writing about those attacks as I had learned to ignore them. Just like I have been conditioned to ignore every computer issue and find a work around CALMLY at this point in life without setting myself in a tail spin worrying about whether I am being hacked in the moment or not. That lets me know I WILL GET BACK To that state of mind of peace once again and this being upset is only a temporary moment.

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