2010-05-14 - 7:53 a.m.

Well, I laughed at today's Tarot reading. I love horoscopes and the daily readings for sheer entertainment. Not having MUCH time for entertainment, the one minute reading of them ALWAYS makes me laugh.

Better than an hour in front of TV; not as good as an hour reading a novel- however I don't have the luxury of that kind of time!

So here is today's. Interesting the "JUSTICE" card has shown up any of those times anyone insisted on doing a live reading for me. Yes I have had live readings, onlywhen others initiated and wanted to do them which I found to be a lovely gift.
Todays thanks to Astrology.com (the fun site for playing that I get silly e-mail updates from)

"The Justice card suggests that if you stick to your principles, you can make discriminating, objective choices that can help you balance your expectations for a relationship with the reality of your obligations. Be honest in your own estimation of your position so that you can accept the outcome, pay the price or reevaluate your expectations or convictions"

I think that is so hilarious!

Especially the reference to "convictions" which is an ironic double entendre for me; and a VERY Accurate reading as just yesterday I got the MOTION from to COMMONWEALTH ATTORNEY to compel payment of the remainder of the $1800 that the ever so wondeful Pam Brooks (who is still a HERO in my eyes) waived, due to the fact that

"on Feb 24 did enter four guilty pleas to failure to cause child to attend school in Loudoun County Jevenile & Domestic Relations District Court. There has been three unexcused tardies for the children since Feb 24, 2010. The Commonwealth now moves to impose the suspended fine of $450.00 for each charge"

The way I look at it, we are BLESSED to be in a democracy. The only way it WILL function is by powers of taxation...and well, fines incurred on otherwise law abiding, standing , fiscally SOUND citizens to collect FUNDS for things like property tax and for minor offense such as speeding 10 miles over an arbitrarily decided speed limit (It could be 55 or 65, but if set at 55 it generates revenue for the short period it switches); and for parents who are well off but get their kids late to school by 5 minutes.

I am HAPPY at least that MY MONEY is going to the same court of Pam Brooks who in fact won an award for her work and protection of women and children.

The fact we are a broken system is not surprising. We are all not perfect.

The fact that a system has been set up such that in a domestic court evidence can be heard and accepted that in the circuit court wouldn't pass muster of the FRE was done INTENTIONALLY as it is WELL KNOWN that unless that is done, the only evidence of domestic violence is often a dead woman or child.

So albeit an imperfect system, the way I look at it, this imperfect mother is not at all begrudging of payment of the fine that this system set for the infraction of being late to school.

What DOES bother me however is the misguided thought that adverse conditioning is a method our system should even attempt to use to limit the civil liberties of individuals- yes limit their FREEDOM to be imperfect by attempting such control to CHANGE and FIX them.

The attempt to "FIX" me didn't work.

I still get my kids late on occasion. It STILL was 15 minutes at the most. (And I think that day was the LATEST all year as most often about 5 minutes or less)

We STILL wave hello to the OTHER kid consistently late (a straight A top of class student in the Futura program in Sadie's class, and her best friend, and the child who often forgets her lunch so her mom has to run it up... love that about her! LOL... )

I love that these gifted kids are often a little distracted, forgetful, brilliant yet imperfect and do things like.... WELL LOSE TRACK OF TIME DUE TO HYPERFOCUS

Hmm... considering not only I but TWO of my children clearly meet that criteria and others have said

"I don't know HOW YOU DO IT!"

I am still DAMN PROUD of the fact we are ONLY a few moments late once or twice a month!

Pam Brooks wished me well sincerely!

I knew she MEANT It
And as I looked at her and said"THANK YOU" I Knew the REALITY THAT WE ARE DOING EXCEPTIONALLY WELL

and I knew the reality that I would be before her court again to pay the fines due.

I accepted it then.

I did however FORGET about it until the motion from the commonwealth came.

You see one thing about ADHD is that we tend to not dwell on or think about things that might concern others. We tend to have a HUGE capacity to forgive and be gentle with imperfection (at least those of us who are not depressive and hard on ourselves!)

This is NECESSARY to be HAPPY and HEALTHY when imperfect.

So we are in an imperfect system.

At least the court has not yet given me a probation officer that holds a switch to an electrode that zaps my brain when I am late in their attempt at adverse conditioning to compel a behavior change.

Thing is they would need electrodes on ALL The children's heads as well.

Come to think of it that might WORK! Considering that their DAD uses adverse conditioning EFFECTIVELY and the girls ARE ON TIME with him as they DO have fear of the outcome... I guess this system truly supports that as a PREFERRED method of compelling cooperation.

At least they haven't suggested a lobotomy as I am so clearly not perfect...

And at least they haven't told me that I am not of value as I am not blond haired and blued eyed.

This however is still a free country, and despite the attempts at using FEAR BASED METHODOLOGY to compel a BEHAVIOR CHANGE IN ME, I am still the same person.

Yes, I STILL refuse to run MY HOME based on FEAR BASED AUTHORITY AND DISCIPLINE.

Yes I still REFUSE to use physical discipline for my four girls
* not that I am perfect and ALWAYS live up to that ideal. I admit when a big old HOCK of spit hit me clear in the face accompanied by learned language from Daddy from one of my darlings, that an instinctive slap ensued.

Not proud of that moment.

But it did happen.

And yes after trying everything else in a car when the youngest will not stay buckled then I WILL SPANK.

What is so startling is that it WORKS and that is what I find SO SCARY.

I will not go down that slippery slope of taking the easy way out and instilling further damage on my daughters.

Some may think me wrong, and I might end up losing custody over this. But I refuse to give up the stance that THEY HAVE BEEN DAMAGED BY THE PHYSICAL ABUSE and that EVEN APPROPRIATE SPANKING is now doing harm.

I argue that is the ROOT cause of their overly agressive behavior.
I argue that is ALSO the root cause of their TRANSFERENCE of having to deal with that abuse by playing it out in a SAFE environment and claiming that I HAVE HIT them.

That is the weirdest phenomena. Few understand it. I however am at peace as I DO UNDERSTAND IT.

And if this system is so narrow minded to not accept love and forgiveness and the fact that it is best for kids to have BOTH PARENTS EVEN IMPERFECT

then so be it.

It is in fact an imperfect system.

My forgiveness then must just be compelled to extend to our whole community.

"Forgive them Father, They know not what they do."

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