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2010-05-20 - 4:17 a.m.

I am so hoping I can go back to sleep. I did get to bed tonight around 10am , but awoke around 2am to take one to the bathroom and have been up since.

Better than the few nights ago...

I hate that although I have an ability to FORGET and NOT WORRY AT ALL (I swear due to the ADHD) then once I am CONCIOUS of a concern that the PTSD seems to kick in and the ensing insomnia and paranoia.

I swear it is a COPING mechanism to forget.

The forgetting and fogiving keeps me stable and sane.

So when I got that stupid letter that there was a motion MON AM I REMEMBERED the whole damn litigation over getting my kids late to school. I kind of didn't worry about it from Thursday until Sunday night as I was a little busy.

However the absolute terror and paranoia that ensue when I have to go to court did start again despite my best efforts.


I mean the main thing that is de-stabalizing for me is the whole darn court experience.

I swear the anxiety and tension and insomnia and panic of having to go to court where I am in fear of losing my kids kicks in and it is the WORST thing in the world.

So I showed up at 9am on MON morn and the Commonwealth attorny GIGI was nowhere in sight. I think she was already IN the courtroom as I never saw her enter.

I however entered the courtroom , confused thinking that it was my docket time and trying to ask the attorney for a quick moment to negotiate a settlement with the full intention of paying the fines so we can all go home and be done with this stress.

But it was the WRONG Commonwealth attorney and in domestic court unlike circuit because it is youth at issue and they have to protect privacy they have this speaker system and folks do not go in the courtroom as they do in Circuit Court and wait for their case to be heard, but rather wait in the lobby.

So there I was having just walked into the court, and trying to talk to the attorney to only realize

1) There are multiple items on the docket and
2) She is the wrong Commonwealth attorney on a different case and
3) I was totally confused as I THOUGHT I was supposed to be there

so the Judge Pam Brooks asked me to leave; but it was a little confusing

as I then realized I was in the wrong place unknowingly.

I then realized the brunette I was talking with WAS NOT the blond "GIGI" who is the Commonwealth attorney I needed to try to settle with.

What I find MOST disappointing however is that I WAITED for an hour and my case wasn't called. I then asked a sheriff there as a witness on another case "Do they have so many things on the docket that a 9am case might not be heard until much later? "

I had THOUGHT they staggared the schedule ... but then thought I might have been wrong in my assumption I would be in and out in an hour. HE said sometimes it DOES take all morning. So I said then," I better call into work as I thought this would be a 5 minute motion heard at 9am and thought I would be out. I guess I didn't realize they sceduled more than one matter for the same time"

I guess I was used to the nasty trial of our crazy divorce in circuit which was different...

So he said "If they call your case I will let them know you just went to make a call"

So I came back and wait a while. I then see the sheriff who tells me "Of course as soon as you left they called your case so it will be heard later now"

So I sit and wait another hour. Then I see the sheriff later come out (done with his case I guess) and I see GIGI come out and I am sitting right there listening to a conversation in which he goes up to her and lets her know that he talked to me, and I SWEAR I HEAR HER SAY IN RESPONSE

"You didn't talk to me"

Now I don't know if that was in reference to the PAST (meaning he hadn't commmunicated to HER) OR in refernce to the CONVERSTAION I was just overhearing as in "This conversation (and maybe an earlier one... meaning the one in which he informed the court that I WAS THERE) DIDN'T HAPPEN"

So I couldnt' believe I just heard that and KNEW THEN that HER MOTION WAS HEARD WITHOUT MY PRESENCE and once again it would be construed as if I was irresponsible and didn't show up at court.

I swear there is a pattern here that even when I DO SHOW UP there is always SOME Weirdness so I am not there when matters are heard... or when I am there it is then NOT HEARD on a docket.

SO I go back to the window where I EARLIER asked if I could just PAY THE FINE and the clerk told me it wasn't in the system for me to just pay.

I came back and asked AGAIN if I could just PAY THE FINE

She said how the judge already ordered a suspension of the $1800 so the motion was heard and it was set to go to trial.

I argued, "No. she ordered a suspension of the fine UNLESS I am late again in which case I PAY IT."

I plead NOLO CONTENDARE and WAIVED A TRIAL so there SHOULD NOT BE A TRIAL but upon being late again I should then just automatically pay the fine as this matter was already resolved.

She said something like I was arguing against myself.

I don't get it.

Why the hell couldn't they just take my damn $1850 check and accept that is the best way to help me and not argue with me

Instead they had to schedule a trial apparently to have the fines re-instated? It makes no sense. They were already set. Why the hell can't I just pay them and be done!
It was 11:30 AM and I had waited two and a half hours thinking I was still waiting for the motion to be heard and now I have to lose MORE TIME off work and more disruption to our lives with the stress and concern over this?

I mean it is the darn on-going NON STOP ATTACKING ME USING THE COURTS which is the most nerve wracking and unsettling thing of all that I find disruptive to my own peace and routine at home!

The last time I had a terrible week of having such trouble getting the girls to school on time was the week of this litigation.

I mean we are doing SO WELL except when I get thrown this monkey wrench of the threat of having my children taken away or thrown in jail due to being less than 5 minutes late.

What is so frustrating is then the PTSD kicks in and the fear and the memories and the terror and the paranoia and its a wonder that in weeks like this where I have to go to court and then all the flooding of the memories of the events and the experiences in the a courtroom come back

and I sat there for three hours almost hearing a teenager talk of an assault on her,
and envisioning my daughters- each one with a hand coming at them-

a head punched through a wall of my then nine year old,
a picture frame smashed over my head and a punch to my head while I was nursing one at six months,
a welt in the shape of a hand on the stomach of my then six year old,
a violin smashed in front of a six year old child that was one of the few gifts her Father gave her that her step Father had to destroy,
the drive through the back country roads the being thrown out of the house, and the car,
the walk in the middle of the night in the rain while my children were asleep the miles on the long counrty road to go to the 7-Eleven with the $20 I had scrambled together (WHEN MARRIED AND BEING CUT OFF FROM PHONE AND FINANCES and at that low point even FOOD as he was witholding and saying things like "That is my water" and doing things like grabbing a cerael bowl away from me...saying that is my food.... totally off the deep end) in order to try to buy a simple cell phone but getting all the way there to discover that the 7 Eleven was NOT 24 hours and had just closed at midnight,
the walk back that night-- in pouring rain when it was cold but then suddenly the peace feeling that I was still alive and knowing that God would continue to protect

The subsequent walk another night, again while he and the children were asleep, this time stupidly thinking I could make it to Leesburg to the Police station.... then I didn't even know where the Purcellville police were and only knew of the Leesburg sheriff office which is where I was TRYING TO Go

The trial later in divorce where I was characterized as a crazy lady disappearing at night
when all I was was severely abused in a situation where my children and I lived in terror and at that time were petrified

To have been strong enough to make that walk as many times as needed until I FINALLY GOT A CELL PHONE AND FREEDOM FROM THE THREAT


to now have EVEN WORSE terror and fear

Why is it that the psycological affects are so much more PRONOUNCED EVEN YEARS AFTER ONE LEAVES????

So now I am a Post Tramatic Mess or worry about the threat that was made that if they go back to trial they can then charge me with a Class 2 Misdemenaor for susbsequent lateness which is punishable by 12 months in jail

The fucking adverse conditioniong of our system just does not work!


and then the more I don't get needed sleep then the PTSD kicks in worse

and this whole week would be so much better if they would just have let me pay the damn fine and have this matter be over as I feel like it was TOLD TO ME IT WOULD BE

I feel like I was told IF LATE AGAIN YOU PAY THE FINE
and now I feel like that was a total lie and the reality is that they are forcing a trial after all.

I think that is so unjust.

I don't want to go to trial

I want to just accept a guilty plea and pay a fine

Why the hell can't that be allowed when I feel like I was TOLD that was what would happen if I am late again? I was TOLD that I would pay the fines and I was led to believe then AFTER THAT MATTER of payment that if the Commonwealth

Why can't they just let me live in peace with my kids being late less than 5 minutes twice a month than drag me back into that court over and over again with the flooding of the memories and the trama of it all having to be re-lived?????

I made it through the day at work.

I need to just make it through one day at a time.

WHEW I think I feel better enough venting to go to sleep now.

A good cry always helps.

Something I couldn't do FOR YEARS

I went through YEARS of disassociation as I had to in order to cope. Years of a FLATLINE of emotion not being present, just shut off as it was too much and too overwealming. It still is at times...

So maybe the crying is better.

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