2010-05-22 - 7:07 p.m.

I am glad to be feeling better today after a rough week. I think the pinnacle of bad moments happened yesterday. I was stressed as I got a social invitation. I mean an invite to go socialize at a friend's home shouldn't be a reason to make me emotionally freak out. But it was.

I had those moments with my now Ex boyfriend, I have them with my nanny, and had them with my Marine friend. Thank goodness the ones of not trusting him have not recurred after the initial weird ones of thinking my Ex may have hired a professional ....well... combat trained ... yes.. one who is good with a target.

See the paranoia all is related to those threats that were made years ago. They still haunt me. I try my best to not let the demons of the memories be present in my life, but when under stress and feeling attacked they come out.

I think for a long time I didn't have the memories so clear. But lately I am recalling the moment of being thrown against a wall and threatend to be killed with hands on my throat.

For long time I was de-sensistised; I was disassociative and I think I was in a state of numbness which was necessary at that point to function.

For a long time I deceived myself in thinking I was invincible and that anything that happened could NEVER break me as I have such a strong inner strength and faith and spirit that it was all just EXTERNAL and NOT ABOUT ME.

While that is true I am finding that there has been damage, yes- DAMAGE. Unexpected damage to my sense of wholeness and wellness that I now struggle with.

The week started off with the feeling of being attacked *(in the psycological sense) and that was enough to affect the rest of my week.

We made it through.
I did rather well I think IN THE END.
Albeit not perfect.

Albeit the WORST school week of the past two years by far.

But the girls DID MAKE it to school, and they DID have a healthy breakfast every AM. They DID get bathed and had healthy lunches.
YES THEY DID forget some homework as this week I was NOT at peak and when I asked one girl said she had none and I totally FORGOT about an assignment I did read an e-mail on. How could I forget?? IT WAS SUCH A STUPID assignment for an 8 year old that I forwarded it to a friend who has kids in private school who wanted to know what I though of Loudoun.

I sent it on and said "Keep them where they are at as here is an example of the "challenging" project my 8 year old got."

I mean the substance of the project was wonderful for preschool kids. It was the exact thing I have done with my kids at age 3 or 4.

But nonetheless, I DID totally forget to ask my daughter about it ALL WEEK. I read the e-mail last Friday , thought "THIS IS SO DUMB" but then totally forgot about it.

Ironically it was suggested that parents cook or bake with the kids to teach about measurments.

I mean do parents REALLY NEED PROMPTS TO DO THAT??

I mean that is as pathetic as the class in highschool teaching girls how to care for babies!

THAT IS NOT WHY WE SEND KIDS TO SCHOOL.

I mean what a waste of time to have kids in school if they are going to only give basic assigmnents of life fundamentals that are learned at home naturally in a normal family life at the proper and NORMAL Time?

I just don't get it.

Last Sat Katie and Raitlin made their own hommemade lemonade , signs, set up a stand and were proud to run it in order to earn money to buy Sadie a birthday present. They earned $7.50 by days end having set the price at .25 a cup. I had nothing to do with the project at all.

So it made me think what the heck if the girls Dad does win custody as he wants. I see the next step which will be pulling them out of school to homeschool, and all the power to him if he does win - at least the kids will then get a decent education and learn something that can't be taught in schools.

Yes he was violent.

Yes he is controlling and over the top.

As long as he isn't throwing them against the wall with hands on their throats saying he will kill them, I think they will be OK- with just SOME MOMENTS OF SHEER TERROR and fear and not trust!

They can go to therapy for that, right?

At least that is what I USED TO THINK.

OH its a catch 22.

Cause I recognized his strengths - he who is also abusive.

Maybe those stregths are just not worth it at all however.

I am starting to re-think that philosophy that people can overcome the limitaions of their experiences and environment to the extent I thought they could.

Still having PTSD and now understanding so much clearer why my old friend and former sister in law acted the way she did in college, it is clearer to me that when growing up in an abusive family one IS SCARRED.

In college we would have a social outing planned, get there and she would just PANIC and want to leave NOW as she didn't TRUST anyone we were with and had sheer FEAR.

She would have those moments once in a while, alternating with those of being overly agressive and downright rude and bossy and controlling of others. But I still loved her as a friend as she was MOST OFTEN so giving and caring and concerned about others and thoughtful and FUN.

So I looked beyond her neediness of attention. That was the hardest thing in a social group- she had the need to be the center of attention. If she wasn't she then needed to leave as the panic seemed to overcome her.

I can understand her so much more now,and realize that she likely will NEVER understand HERSELF as she is STILL in the same family system, and married a guy of the same mold... who, although he loves her will curse her out at a line in the grocery store and she will say "It was my fault as I was nagging...."
or some other nonsense.

My relationship with my former sister in law was severed shortly after I pointed out that SHE TOO WAS MARRIED TO AN ABUSER.

I told her, "It is NOT NORMAL for your husband to turn around and curse you out in the grocery store"

I understand now her moments of terror.

When we moved to the farm she was freaked out at first to come out to the country.

She was freaked out when we had the 2nd place across the street and offered for her to stay there on night. She said something like she didn't want to all alone in the country. The isolation made her afraid.

The thing about PTSD is that sometimes it is WORST when alone and not in connection with others. That is when the mind can get ahold of fear if you let it, and the crazy thoughts of those in life NOW come flooding in as if they are extensions of the abuser who is still trying to abuse.

At least that is what happens to me.

For he IS STILL TRYING TO ATTACK ME in any way he can. He just does so through the courts and by manipulation of the school and even trying to maniopulate the church community.

Two girls had their First Communition a few weeks ago. Dad whisked them AWAY FROM ME and wouldn't let them say hello or get a photo with me.

Three Dad's were standing there and witnessed this. I have no idea who they were, but jaws dropped as they watched what happened.

A few weeks before he had the girls there as he was volunteering to get ready for the community Confirmation. I came to drop off some medicine we forgot in the transition the Friday night before, and he again wouldn't support a friendly hello but I was greet with
"I HATE YOU"
from my 5 year old, and sneers and faces from the others. Then when I asked where a celebration for an art award was being held he said to Katie

"Don't tell her. If you tell her I will NOT BRING YOU."

So the girls get the message from Daddy that HE WILL NOT LOVE THEM IF THEY LOVE ME

But they get the messages from me that "I LOVE YOU" AND
"DADDY LOVES YOU and it is IMPORTANT TO RESPECT AND HONOR BOTH YOUR PARENTS"

So they KNOW that they will always have my love.

I think they are not SAFE in knowledge that they will have Daddy's love if they don't do what he wills.

My love is unconditional, and my children ALL KNOW THAT.

Their DADDY LOVES HIMSELF FIRST AND FOREMOST, and I think they might not understand that, but they do understand that as long as they do what HE WILLS he then will bestow them with affection. They understand then they feel loved and secure.

So for their own well being and stability they HAVE TO DO WHAT MAKES THEM FEEL STABLE AND HAPPY

They HAVE NO CHOICE but to do that which Daddy wills.

SO BE IT.

I understand this all.

And in the end, maybe the decision makers also get it. Maybe not. I can't judge or know what they do or don't understand.

I have to just turn it over and pray and know that some things are not to be understood.

And let it be....

And pray for the best outcome in our custody case in July, along with the prayer to

Accept the things we cannot
Courage to change those we can
And the wisdom to know the difference

Knowing that in the end, we WILL all be OK as I do believe we are in God's hands.

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