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2010-05-23 - 1:13 p.m.

I hate coming across stories like this randomly.

I mean it just feeds into my paranoia that everyone in my life is here as a paid off person hired by my EX to try to infiltrate and then destroy me for his benefit in exchange for a large sum of cash.


I laugh at my own paranoid moments.

But when things happen like my nanny trying to get in to see the house I am trying to rent, and then my nanny showing up to look at another place I am interested before I close that deal, and then my nanny borrowing my car seat and forgetting to return it so the next AM when I can't find my keys I am also down a car seat-- well the paranoia kicks in and I fear she has been paid off by him.

I wonder at some things and wonder if they were not HER.

Like the homework that I KNEW a kid did, that I KNEW made it into a backpack but was not accounted for at school

OR the books that I put in a place that were later not there and I wonder "DID SHE TAKE THEM?" The moments always PASS and I realize that she, like my other friends in my world REALLY ARE MY FRIENDS. It is just sad that those moments of absolute paranoid fear happen at all. Then I find my keys (on the kitchen counter where they were likely set down at the NORMAL time to go to school ,but then LEFT THERE ON THE COUNTER - after I was ready to drive ALL THE GIRLS but the one whom I asked "Do you have your sneakers?" took OFF and I had NO IDEA WHERE SHE WENT in pursuit of her FAVORITE SNEAKERS! If you ever read the book If you GIVE A MOUSE A COOKIE, just imagine what it is like IF YOU ASK AN ADHD KID THE WRONG QUESTION WHEN IT IS TIME TO GO: Something like this: IF you ask Raitlin if she has her sneakers in her backpack for gym when going out the door, SHE WILL SAY 'YES" but THEN realize she WANTS HER FAVORITE ONES... so runs off to go find them, and when she goes to look in her mother's room (despite the fact THEY ARE NEVER THERE NOR EVER WOULD BE THERE).. she picks up a FITZGERALD NOVEL and gets lost in reading it in the corner for the next 40 minutes, ignoring mother's calling wondering WHERE SHE DISAPPEARED TO.... So Mom puts down the keys and in frustration remains calm KNOWING the kid will re-emerge and decides to just CLEAN THE KITCHEN and sweep the floor and clean each room while going from room to room calling occassionally reminding of the CONSEQUENCE OF BEING LATE.... that it really is MORE IMPORTANT TO BE ON SCHOOL ON TIME WITH A PAIR OF SNEAKERS THAT ARE NOT YOUR FAVORITE than HAVING MOM HAVE TO GO TO COURT TO EXPLIN WHY YOU ARE NOT IN SCHOOL ON TIME... on account of NOt having your FAVORITE SNEAKERS in the backpack... which YES ARE COOL as they are HANNAH MONTANA SKATER SHOES and you have the MOST AWESOME SKATEBOARD and they ARE CLEAN ON THE PORCH after having been dried out after having been washed of the mud from playin digging the most awesome BIG HOLE with the boy and sisters NEXT DOOR over the weekend... but we ALL FORGOT ABOUT THAT which is why they were not on the SNEAKER HANGER... so despite the great organization of such, the system broke down ... due to a fun Sunday afternoon digging a hole... and Mom unwisely asking that ONE QUESTION TO CONFIRM THAT THERE WERE SNEAKERS IN A BACKPACK... OK , what does one say when asked "WHY ARE YOU LATE TODAY?" but "GO read 'IF YOU GIVE A PIG A PANCAKE" if you haven't gotten the picture yet that it is a challenge to get ADHD kids to school on time and it is NOT indicative of POOR PARENTING when a few times a year their ADHD overcomes houshold structure in a obsessive fixation of wanting what they want.... SO I worked through the stress this week of COURT, then PARANOIA as that kicked in for ME when the said child was in her own world and I then LOST MY KEYS... and YES I was TOO TERRIFIED to consider calling their Dad to pick them up. So be it. I have fear of calling their Dad if I don't have to. I let the girls call whenever they want but its a challenge for me to do so, especially at any moment of weakness as I am attacked in response rather than offered assistance. Trying to overcome that and SUGGEST the girls call their DAD when THEY ARE UPSET. THEY CAN DO SO. and IT HELPS IF THEY DO SO and he is kind to THEM. That has been my latest tactic. When they are angry at me telling them to call their DAD to get empathy and feel better. Hey if he is going to use the good cop/bad cop routine I think I can then take advantage of that TO HELP ME when they ARE MAD at me and EMBRACE his GOOD COP routine and let them call him and have his help in calming down. I think that is a helpful thing. But I couldn't bring myself to call him to ask for his HELP THAT AM. So I just went to change the VOLVO flat tire to use the VOLVO to drive them to school. So that moment passed. Life goes on. I am not a perfect parent.

The latest is the Ex accusing SUPER NANNY of abuse.

So predicatable.

Not abuse when you have a kid who is in the moment not listening, not holding a hand and about to run into poision ivy so you grab hold of kid's beltloop to pull her back.

When the kid then goes ballistic and the child care provider has NO CHOICE but to hold her for safety- PRIMARILY AS SOMEONE IN THE CHILD'S WORLD IS TELLING THE KID


well, its not abuse, its necessary for safety, and its a situation which would NOT OCCUR but for the months of the kids being Taught to NOT LISTEN to both their Mother and their NANNY.

This is also not isolated behavior (on the part of the DAD, or the kid). I mean I can attest that when I took the kids to Hershey Park there was a meltdown and I HAD NO CHOICE but to hold a child for safety until she calmed down. It was that or let her get lost in a crowd as she was not being rational when upset.

So I held her, and the moment passed. And she was SAFE.
YES I GOT KICKED and HIT and CURSED AT in the moment, but that passed and then she was as delightful as often is.

My nanny understands and can work through those behavior moments and then move on. Not many nanny's would STILL WANT THE JOB after having to manage ODD and at times violent behavior toward them.

The teaching not to listen to my care providers is consistent as it was ALSO done with my sweet friend who watched Alexy for the Fall months.

The petition for full custody named negligence when Alexy was in HER CARE.

I mean who wants to remain a child care provider in this climate?

She was sweet to come to court, but then she quit as the stress was NOT WORTH IT. She has HER OWN HEALTH And wellness to think about! She didn't need the stress of Westley attacking her.

I am SO BLESSED that my nanny has TWENTY YEARS EXPERIENCE and COUNTELESS REFERENCES and happy families in this community to attest that she is NOT ABUSIVE IN HER CARE FOR CHILDREN: Mine or anyone else's.

Yes she is CONTROLLING, yes she is STRUCTURED

YEs she does tell the kids what to do and they line up in marching order for her... just like they do with her DAD.

That however is WHY I HAVE HER.

Because for those three hours a day things have been SO SMOOTH as they are in a consistent routine with a care provider SO SIMILAR to their DAD (but for she doesn't smack the kids around if they misbehave)

The kids responded well to her... that is until he started to attack her too.

HE called Friday and said "TELL CRAZY LADY..."

Katie sneers at her now if she sees her at a ballgame with Dad, and makes the crazy sign toward her.


The thing is, I know he will try to posion the relationship with ANYONE in the girls lives who is in my world. So it makes little sense to have a change in child care provider.

YEt at the same time, if that is his big grievance my nanny has been on notice for a year now that if there really is some issue with THE COURT of having her as a nanny she will be out of a job. IF that is something anyone ELSE has concern over it is just not that hard to send them to the child care center for the three hours a day instead of having her, or to find another nanny,

I would PREFER to be loyal to HER COMMITMENT TO OUR FAMILY and offer HER THE SUPPORT AS WELL, as now that the girls will be in school full time I think after working with my family through all this turmoil the past two years SHE DESERVES the job when they are all in school full time and she has the benefit of living with me and HERSELF going to college.

That is HER DREAM. Once HER DAUGHTER graduates she would like to go to school.

I would love to assist as a supportive friend and employer to make that feasible for Pocohontas.

Considering my EX attacked the last friend who helped this Fall, he will attack WHOMEVER I have as a child care provider.

So despite these now allegations of abuse he is making in relation to my nanny, I still think it best to not make FEAR BASED DECISIONS.

I try SO HARD TO NOT MAKE FEAR BASED CHOICES and try hard to overcome the fear in me that crops up.

At Pocohaonta is loyal and loving to our whole family and forgiving and able to go with all these ups and downs.

I did look into the allegation of abuse he flung this past Friday when it was claimed she left the kids in the car locked in. Not accurate as #1 the windows were opened and it was in a driveway while the nanny went on the porch for a few moments to pick up her daughter from the tutor's home. I mean to then claim the kids were in a LOCKED CAR for THIRTY MINUTES is a far stretch from walking up to a porch and letting the daughter know she was there while WATCHING THe kids in the drive who WERE in the vehicle. I was relived when I heard WHERE they were and the circumstances.

On Friday I ALSO told the girls that I had found a wonderful SWEET PAD THAI sauce made with Brown sugar that I thought THEY WOULD LIKE. It was so good and not spicy, so I told them that Pocohontas would make Pad Thai with Shrimp for dinner. They ALL COMPLAINED.

Then I was told that they told HER that the shrimp was not for them (After she cooked it!) and I laughed as I FORGOT to leave a note- but she SAW that I left out the noodles and pad thai sauce and she found the shrimp and cooked it with it.

I laughed as I told her she was SO GOOD that she figured that out, and that YES it was for them and NO They were not TOLD THE SHRIMP was not for them. They clearly lied to her to try to aviod being served shrimp for dinner.

So the kids WILL LIE to try to manipulate things to their advanatage.

I am therefore not surprised that they exaggerate about the time they were in a car as she went to pick up her daughter at the door as they know I TOLD HER NEVER TO LEAVE THEM IN A CAR UNATTENDED. We had that conversation recently so they took hold of that concern I HAD RAISED WITH HER.

But running to a porch is following MY MARCHING ORDER of watching them and NOT leaving them unattended. VERY different from EVER going into a building and leaving them which is just NEVER ACCEPTABLE EVEN FOR A MOMENT.

So once again, in my assessment both their father, myself AND MY NANNY are ALIGNED On what we AGREE IS SAFE AND IN THE BEST INTEREST OF THE CHILDREN.

There is NO ISSUE of a discrepency.

As far as the allegations of abuse, that is confirmation TO ME that HE TOO IS NOT ACCEPTING OF ABUSE OF THE CHILDREN.

I am LUCKY We are ALL SO CONCERNED ABOUT THE SAFETY OF THE CHILDREN AND CHILD FOCUSED. At times I have wondered if his attacks are child centered or just designed to malign me, but if he doesn't really know what is going on in our world perhaps his raised concerns are GOOD as they are CHILD CENTERED to ensure safety.

As I told my staff of the group home, EXPECT questions to ensure that as care providers all is good.

If you Don't EVER get questions, THEN there is somethign to be concerned about as there is not ENOUGH oversight.

So I take it as a blessing and indication that their Dad cares about them that he does follow up with concerns.
Assured after my OWN inquiry that there was nothing amiss, I too am relieved that there was nothing more than the quick pick up of the daughter.

I am blessed to have such a nanny and friend in my life. She does so much for the kids and I - ALL SIX OF THEM. She went out of her way to travel to Buffalo just to see Soren in his show. She will go out of her way to ensure EACH Of the girls has a special one on one outing with her OR ME when possible. She took Sadie skiing, Katie to the Native American Museum, Railin swimming and other special times to NURTURE the relationships. Summer is important as they need that FUN TIME with her not only as the "task master" who makes them get homework and laundry put away and bedrooms straightened, but who also has FUN WITH THEM- taking them swimming every day.

There are those wonderful moments that the kids DO APPRECHIATE HER.
Last weekend I heard one of my children say "This was THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE"

It was our Nanny's Birthday party celebrated with friends.

At a recent counseling session when the counselor asked Katie what was the best part of her week SHE SAID

When asked "WHy?"
She responded
"Mom knows"

and then when he asked again, she said
"Because it's the time I came to Mom's"

But it WAS STILL VERY NICE TO HEAR IT FROM HER, even if ONLY ARTICLATED in the one safe setting she feels comfortable expressing that.

At least she HAS THAT, the one place to REALLY express herself without FEAR.

And at least I KNOW that is how she REALLY FEELS.

Even if SHE HERSELF some of the time acts and out of necessity, I think REALLY CONVINCES herself otherwise.

Can't wait for this round of litigation to be over so that we can all have some much needed peace:

I am sure that it will relieve both the PTSD symotoms in me,
and the attacks of my world will subside;
and the looking at others with suspicion for ALL OF US which is so UNHEALTHY for the children.

Back to the laundry folding which is what I am doing this Sunday afternoon.

Weekly weeding out STUFF to minimize the THINGS we have here which is a BIG help in keeping it organized!
Think extra NAPS, good food and getting the house kicking clean will all help MY MENTAL health this week. Good to NOT have litigation this week! That will make all the difference too!

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