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2010-05-25 - 5:15 a.m.

Keeping with the mantra:

Hire a housecleaner and a babysitter and quit fighting about the small stuff

See the amazing person your spouse is!

Gave friend a copy of Harville Hendrik's book "Keeping the Love you Find" in hope he actually shares it with his wife.

Maybe one day they will take me up on the offer of weekend babysitting so they can go to one of those amazing Imago Workshops.

Try to help each other out.

As he said to me when I expressed my frustration at having had THREE good evals and then the fourth that read like a %(%*%%(*^ ADHD checklist....
Not I think cause those things don't happen and I don't work really hard to be great at my job by seeking ways to address them but RATHER BECAUSE I CALL ATTENTION TO my deficiencies and try to strengthen them.

Thus the healty journal... and seeking mentors...

SO friend says not to do it IN the workplace, but I don't want to take him up on his offer to mentor. Not a good idea.

Thing is I think it HEALTHIEST if you CAN do it in the workplace (at least for we workaholics who end up at work so often!! HA HA)

I had hired a life coach. Fired him as although he had alot to offer I think I got the benefits I can get from him at this point and what I need is a professional mentor in my field. Other financial priorities on the plate now have to come first and that mentoring is on the back burner until after July when life is more settled.

It just gets disappointing to reach out and ASK for help as I WANTED to know if the issues I have COULD be helped with medication. After having kids it seems to be worth a go. So I had a nice chat with one dude over a year ago. Now what cracks me up is the one friend's comment

"Thing I have learned is that women have big ears but holes in their lips"

The first confident I had in the workplace was a great help and kept that confidence. He stopped by and said Hi and asked how it was going. (Didn't discuss! Not the time nor the place as I was focused and working on something.)

I mean over a year ago I discussed ADHD and he encouaged me to try medication and see if it helps. I was a little afraid to do so.

Now the thing is that for the next year there was no change in how I PERCEIVED HOW OTHERS AT WORK VIEWED ME.

I sensed that shift AFTER I talked to anyone in MY group of my issues.

That makes me sad as it is hard to then tell if the criticism I received is influenced by knowlege of illness, OR if it is a truly unbiased preformace based judgement.



It makes me sad however that there is still such social mores such that mental illness is seen as such a threat and fear that no one wants to acknowledge that there are MANY PROFESSIONALS that suffer from SOME form of it.

( Let me remind them-- alcoholism falls on the spectrum... hmmm.... think about it... that is not such the unknown entitiy of life's challenges)

So is one with ADHD and PTSD ANY LESS OF A DEPENDABLE WORKER Than those of you who are binge partiers or actual alocholics that believe themselves the "fucntional" kind.

Come on... don't deceive yourselves.

We are ALL human.


But once again, my perspective is that just because I have NAMED and am ADDRESSING My issues doesn't make them MORE of a threat!

Keep in mind the only ones who find this blog PERSONALLY KNOW ME.
Trust me, no one else reads it. LOL

I can see the stats.

WHOO HOOO the 4 of 5 folks--

Hmmm... ex's computer, his lawyers.. my two friends the "peeps" in Buffalo who log on.

And realize I have no time to CONNECT with them, but the few friends in Buffalo are those I HAVE LOVED and WHO HAVE LOVED ME at one point in the past.

This little bit of connection is enough for me to feel that love and connection with friends and family
and because I WORK and then come home and do housework and take care of kids



I don't watch TV. I don't spend money on STUFF ( I HATE SHOPPING)

My hobbby is reading and writing and music in any form. Don't have time and money now to go out to hear it live much and no longer have a band in my attic...

When life is stable nothing is more fun than at that point writing articles , poems and stories.

SO the risk?

The biggest risk of any exposure publicly of me is that I might have an artivle on gardening occasionally published.

One freelance gig with VA Gardener Magazine int he last year... WHOO HOOO...Nothing big to fear here as far as "Exposure"

I overhead the comment made that it makes a difference WHAT job position one is in.

Hmmm.. .only those who are NOT in professional roles are allowed to be seen as human and have life throw curves?
There is a trend to address that which I hope works. Of course the fact those trying to address that are JOURNALISTS isn't such a big help. They are still WRITERS and fit that "arty" mold...LOL

I wish for the trend of the uber professionals, the Bill Gates (Aspergers) or the Howard Hughes of our time (upber successful OCD), the Lincoln's (Depression), the Einstein's (ADHD), to come out and publicly talk of how they managed their mental illness while succeeding.

Some just don't want to face this is not THAT unusual and I really think NOT that much of a red flag of alarm in relation to ME and my ability to preform at work.

YES I had my worst week in ... hmm... maybe three years... maybe more...

Yes I think it was up there with the week of being followed by that darn white van of some hired private eye.(I really was and it made me spiral.. just like this week when the PTSD kicked in after I REALLY DID HAVE MAJOR COMPUTER TROUBLE... that is enough to make me nuts as I have such FEAR of being hacked.)

Thing is that it is so freaking irritating to listen to people watch and know they are concerned but instead of them actually coming up to ASK what the hell is going on watch them dance around it... and do their investigation.. and hear the converstaions... etc ...

Damn I at least know when I was a manager I was always DIRECT when I had a worry.

It might have been at first hurtful, true, but I had many an employee later THANK me for my direct honesty and the fact that I spoke ONLY with them about issues I had and didn't discuss WITH OTHERS.

I was a rockin good manager.

Hey, if you are now combing through my resume and need the references come ask.

I feel like I did back in High school after busting my butt on that Grahm greene paper and watching the nuns take my work and surreptitiously go around the dinky terrible school library that I wouldn't think of relying on for REAL research, to see them check off each reference with satisfaction as if they were ENJOYING their "validation" of their preconceived notion that I was not an honest person and they wanted to ENJOY finding out their "truth" of that paper.

After watching them I then did go over and say "Hofstra University library is where I did research, It's lovely there. Enjoy the trip."

So now for the corporate dude who told me of how his role in the companuy is to set up incorporation etc... Yes I understand and know all about that and was being polite listening. Yes as I was a Director and fiduciary for a 501 c3. You can have fun going to look it up since you are having trouble asking me.

Check records in Loundoun County for the d/b/a filing...
and the State Corporation Commission of VA if you need to.

And as far as the references, good luck as the BIA has been changed a bit. I too was frustrated trying to find Lauren Mathion whom I worked with there. Let me know if you track her down.

Also let me know if you track down the attorney who's office I worked out of who moved West cause his wife died in the tractor roll after he left her. I hope he is well.

You might want a reference of the work as a manager. Hell on facebook I think I have a half dozen of my former direct reports. With one blurb we can get a shitload of flooding of positive and SINCERE feedback of how I rocked as a Boss.

You see I wasn't ALWAYS not well. I wasn't ALWAYS plagued by moments such as the one 15 minute one that did happen last Friday afternoon.

Love that song,
"I'm not crazy
I'm just a little unwell, right now
You can't tell
But stick around and you will see
A different side of me..."

So I did have a PTSD moment at work. Yet it happened for all of 15 min. Work through it... ROCK on...
Back to focus on the work at hand.

I do manage to do that.

Hell my few moments of being paranoid (in the climate mind you where I DO actually overhear the REAL conversations.. and %(^%& know EXACTLY what is being discussed "Is she crazy? IS she a risk?"

Let me help you with that. I will answer a few questions:

The biggest risk is I will miss dotting an "i" or crossing a "t"
Or responding to a non critical e-mail a little late.

I HATE those ones that I think are what I call "busy work"
Kinda like the sheets they give kids at school that are so damn stupid that its insulting...

OK so I am BAD at blowing off busy work when I KNOW it was given as a test to see if I am responsible and accountable.

Freaking give me some credit and not insulting tests...
that is the worst part. Hearing the orchestration out of fear of my communication.
What the heck? I mean one could just be direct and tell me that they want me to do something different the next time than go through a song and dance of orchestration of changing a "process" or codifying a "process" because they really don't want ME To e-mail someone.

Its just insulting.
Like I am being looked as like the loose cannon in those movies.. what was it 'OFFICE SPACE" somethign like that - the classic where the dude goes off on the deep end.

Don't worry I am not going to go postal!

My history should make it DAMN CLEAR what my issues are.

I can tell in my WORST POSSIBLE TIME EVER, I still preform but with a few more mistakes here and there and the knowledge that if I am going to do well I had better come in at NIGHT when no one is around to distract me by TALKING ABOUT ME On the phone with each other for a LONGER DURATION OF TIME than the few momements in which I HAD my PTSD moment and then I worked through it.

I am sorry to have made them worry and I am sorry it happened and made my co-worker uncomfortable.

So I will keep doing my best and hiding out in my cubicle and cranking my work out to the best of my ability.

If that means %()^**) coming in at night to crank it out and then leaving at 4am when I am caught up SO BE IT.

I mean YES I am now a mental mess at times.

Its ^%*)^* called PTSD.

And frankly some think that is the more severe issues I have.

AND in answer to your question lovely admin who posed it yesterday when reseaching the law for someone who wants to know:

"It depends on whether when in completion of the job application she KNEW this could be an impediment in the job"

NO I did NOT have psycological diagnosis of mental illness at the time of appliaction when job hunting.


YOU see PTSD only KICKS in AFTER you are really FREE of the threatening situation.

THEN I Was applying for jobs with a survivalist dedication and determination.
THEN I was faced with an eviction order as my EX filed unlawful detainer AFTER he won a nuptial that he had signed three years into the marriage, after the home was changed title to a life estate trust for his benefit only so it was not part of "marital property" and AFTER teh circuit court wouldn't hear that order but district court did in a smart move of forum shopping.

THEN when job hunting I was facing potential homelessness after having left an abuser.

That really doesn't make ME less of a person of character, or does it?

I think it amazing that there are many who do judge others harshly based on what life has thown their way.

I get a little upset cause I KNOW I Rock at work. Not pefect- but most definately quality.


And I am a little irritated that I was ASKED to pick up the two deals that are going to be time consuming and complx when there was one in our queue I could have cranked out in an hour. So be it.

I would have prefered to BALANCE the work load. I will honor the request of our legal admin and go in early to crank through these to the best of my ability, like always.

Worked from something like midnight to 4am early MOM morn to catch up. Felt great... problem is that I INTENDED on being back at the office by 8am and fell short as the paper trail of the $(%&$& PAID VA Employment tax quagmire caught me up in the AM.

Spent time seaching for one doc that I had left on my printer here at home...


Got it done, and shipped off to the VA Employment Commission dude who I have to say is an impressive guy. Former NAACP PRES, Fairfax county govt run for public office.... I felt better finding that out as I had to find his office # as the paperwork had the WRONG one. HE was in Winchester during tax cruch time.. not there.

Googled and found the Culpeper office.

I hope the dude doesn't just send me the letter I need clearing up the fact that I really PAID those darn taxes (TWICE ACUTALLY) but hope he works with the folks who haven't caught up their computer system with the changing laws allowing end of year filing rather than quarterly.

Funny thing is this time when I called before cranking out my letters on this (AGAIN) the office was perplexed as I show a REFUND. I had to explain I PREPAID this year as the nanny works fixed hours.

That it turns out confused them even more...

Cracks me up how somethign seemingly so simple can get convaluted.

Oh, for those who want to know WHEN IN APRIL April 30 ?

No April 5th.

IF you want to know anything else just ask me as there is MUCH about my life that I DO KEEP private.

I write here to BE HEALTHY and go to work and focus, and to be in the moment when taking care of kids.

Its the healthy release. The fact it is public is a safety mechanism. Read and watch Amy's story and realize had she done that perhaps she would be alive today AND DOING A ROCKING GOOD JOB AT WORK, despite a few small moments here and there.

Sorry for the rest of you this is not in your norm,
and wish to GOD it wasn't in ANYONE'S NORM.

YES those moments apparently ARE in mine more than I expected.

Also trust that once litgation is over after JULY when I am brought to court by the EX seeking Full Custody with all sorts of nonsense allegations (and using the REALITY of my PTSD now in HIS FAVOR of course)-- Well once that is OVER, this too shall pass and life will go on and I will be like NORMAL people at work who come and go and have good days of peak preformance and sometimes life's curves throw them just a little.

But be assured I am HONEST, ETHICAL, HARD WORKING, DEDICATED and loyal.


WILL NEVER DISCLOSE ANY INFORMATION regarding anyone ELSE, and Keep my personal life OUT OF THE WORKPLACE.

If anyone is reading this from work recognize YOU ARE THE ONES that are making it an issue as I delineate REALLY WELL

most of the time...

Its only weird blasts from the past like a name on a contract of an old acquantence, or realizing a friend in my social world is working on a deal with a competitor that make me suddenly freak out...
But that only makes me protective OF ME and


My paranoia only results in perhaps unreasonable fear of social engineering.

So WEIRD and paranoid and hypervigalent I AM.
BUT also with killer instinct.

I KNEW there was somethign to not trust.

That dude however was only seeking AN AFFAIR!

WHEW... what a relief! ( LOL!!!!)

What the hell... why when I am not well in the worst moment of my lives do the overachiever, ubersuccessful narcissists want to "Save" me??

Magnet of controlling men...

Telling this dude I can give great references for marriage counseling and trying to be the friend my friend ART was to me in trying to help him and encourage him in working on his relationship with his wife.

I kinda feel bad for him,as like me, after getting jazzed to try he seems to be being let down.

I can be a friend thought that. I have been there. I AM STRONG ENOUGH..

"lead us not into temptation...."

So my paranoia WAS NOT UNFOUNDED... just a misread on all the alarms and warnings and visceral fear that was kicking in.

HA HA... I thought I was being set up for some OTHER EVIL DEMISE... not personal temptation.

Just as threatening of course!

At least I have sense of humor. That is why I write. To laugh at myself and those around me.

I mean in that 15 min period at work I knew the thing to do was talk to someone else to break through it.




So that leaves me with having had that moment and having needed to reach out and break through.. which I did.

Freaked out the co-worker who assisted. Not fair to her.

She just assisted by validating...

Can't ask her to do that again. Even if she stops by and stumbles on a "moment"
I typically try to hide them.

This one was harder I think- for a variety of reasons.

So I then made the one personal call I NEEDED to a friend (NOT A CO WORKER) WHO WHEW... made me feel better at not knowing of any "RED FLAGS" regaring my new found friends in my world.

I have such trust issues.

But that doesn't mean I am NOT a good investment and won't continue to be a rockin employee if I am set up to succeed.

We have a rocking awesome company. I LOVE MY JOB and I work with some of the most amazing people.

Really they rock.

I was even impressed with the advise I heard the admin give the co-worker I freaked (or whomever she was assisting, possibly our boss.) It was sound sage advise such as I would have given.

They are all really awesome people whom I admire and am lucky to learn from continually.

Hope to continue to do so.

As always

CE la vie....

Accept the things I can change,
Courage to change those I can,
and Wisdom to know the difference.

And I ask this of those peeps at work. Just give me til August and then see what you see.

Please don't judge me yet.
Please just wait and let me have these few more months to work through

Then I am sure you will be happy that you rode it out.

I am a good investment and I know it.

I always have been.
And if you actaully ask I can give you the number of the woman who hired me who I think after yr 1 was a little worried, but for whom I went on to do a rocking job for nine years.

Trust me.
She did in the end, and in the end she was happy she did.

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