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2010-06-03 - 10:48 p.m.

I grapple with whether I should lock this darn thing or not. Someone mentioned perhaps I should for the kids sake, but then the more I thought about it I thought I would be PROUD to have the kids read my writing and glean some understanding when they are old enough to do so.

So that really is no reason to lock this site down.

I read about a show being aired "Telling Amy's Story"; and I thought about the Rachel Corrie production, and I thought today - Why is is that only after women are DEAD does anyone want to hear their story?

My whole focus is to tell the story AS IT UNFOLDS and try to SHIFT paradigms.

Try to help others get over the FEAR based responses that don't encourage progress. As long as we are all content to bury our heads in the sand and pretend that if there is domestic violence the victim is crazy, the problem will continue to be ignored.

As long as we continue to be UNCOMFORTABLE if we overhear too much of someone's personal story, and ask them to "talk quieter" or "take the call in a lunch room over break because you are in a cubicle and everyone can hear"

and this is the kicker... that "It gets disruptive when it is all the time"

All the time?

I NEVER make personal calls from work.
I made ONE business call today to my loan officer to go over the supporting documents that I sent that there were questions on. I was asked to provide the "Separation Agreement" as well as my divorce paperwork. So what was heard was " There is no separation agreement"

Does that seem like something to go complain to a co-worker about overhearing and let them know you can hear them in cubicle world?

Well the thing is I WANTED all those who are interested and trying to figure out what is going on in my life that I HAVE HEARD digging and trying to figure it all out to actually have ACCURATE information! So it seems to make sense to GIVE it in a way that WILL BE OVERHEARD.

The reality is there HAS been discussion of my situation but NOT BY ME. The same person who commented as above was on the phone talking ABOUT ME the other day. Now it irritated me as I could HEAR her talk about me, so I vented to my boss that when in cubicles one should at least have the courtesy of not talking about someone when they are in earshot.

I think she was answering questions about me to someone on the line. I mean its not necessarily HER fault if someone is quesitoning me for some reason. That is unless she ecouraged it...which she did when she encouraged our co-worker to complain.

What was interesting was the comment today that I needed to be aware that everyone could hear the call I made today was prefaced with "I know you are paranoid"
to which I said
"No, I am fine today"
but later got annoyed thinking it wasn't paranoid when I HEARD her on the phone discussing the fact I am buying a four bedroom house (not unkindly but matter of fact) and it was NOT paranoid when I heard her on the phone saying to a co-worker that she SHOULD report the fact that she stumbled upon me having a panicky fearful attack at work one day.

Yes I had a PTSD full blown fearful moment at work. One of those moments where I am in absolute terror for my safety and worry that the people in my life are all agents of the one trying to make my life hard.

It is a moment, but it passes and I move on. But the frustrating thing was then hearing of the analysis of that moment.

And then the fact I make ONE phone call to my loan officer and answer the questions that were posed to me and I hear it complained that " Its distacting when it is all the time"

which I thought not fair as I made only ONE or two other calls to my loan officer from work last week. I made a call over my lunch hour to the insurance company which took about 20 minutes during which I set up homeowner's insurance. I however don't know why I am suddenly suspect at work just because of these few things. I had to get that done at work as its an automatic payroll deduction that can be set up....well , if calling for the work life benefit of the bundled insurance policy which we are able to purchase thanks to a great HR benefit.

So to have a co-worker complain I AM DISTRACTING after the one necessary call?

Maybe I am being sensitice and maybe at some level I am feeling desparate
and want to yell from the rootops at times

IS ANYONE PAYING ATTENTION!???!!! or is this BROKEN SYSTEM gpong to make a decision that puts the very safety of kids in jepardy???

And what will happen if the worst comes to play?

Will people THEN want to know the story???

WHY THE HECK can't someone care to hear it and listen and PREVENT A TRADGEY???

TO bed. Leaving this locked as I did complain about my co-worker ecouraging the other to report the "incient" of me not trusting, and I have now commented on hearing the "buzzing" of inquiry of what is going on.

At least someone is paying attention. Frustrated however it seems to be for the wrong reasons.
Ce la vie...

I also overheard it said that I am a team player among other things...

At least I think that was about me.

To bed now. I feel better having vented.

I mean there is a HUGE blowing out of proportion and exaggeration of the time I have spent on that NECESSARY business. I CAN'T CALL THESE FOLKS OTHER THAN DURING BUSINESS HOURS.

I don't have a cell phone. Sorry but they are GPS tracking and listening devices.

Didn't need my frinds who work on that technology to tell me that, as I knew it already- but the fact I have a friend who works for a manufacturer didn't help with my fear of getting a cell phone.

It just makes me mad as I hear all her personal calls from work. I never comment or discuss or interfere. I mean why can't everyone just be gracious and accepting and why do they have to judge me as less capable and as if I am suspect because I had one moment of PTSD at work? OK maybe it was a FEW... perhaps even many, but they pass and the amount of time that takes out of my day is NO MORE than that taken out of the day for a smoker to go walk outside to take that cigarette break, or for the coffee drinker who heads to Starbucks during the day for a fix.

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