2010-06-05 - 7:48 p.m.

I figured out why I don't lock my diary- primaily as when I want to go back and read something I can't access it if I lock it.

True I have this issue with recalling passwords. It is irritating and I have to focus to remember my new password at work every time it has to be reset, and the bank accout etc...

I just don't want to have one more thing with a password that I have to recall to access it. This forum is a stress RELIEVER for me, and that makes it stressful- so it is largely due to that ADHD trait why I give up and unlock this thing every time I have ventured to lock it.

I mean I write for ME.
I also write thinking that perhaps some words will inspire or inform others at some point.
All writers write because they feel they have a gift, or a need, that they must actualize.

Its part of who you are as a writer.

I am happy today to have picked up the book The Power of Focus.

I am happy with a relationship of a professional mentor/ mentee (if that is a word!) that has been agreed upon with the winery owner friend. He is a TOTAL successful Type A as hyper and full of energy as me who I can learn much from.
He was happy to accept a Harville Hendrik book and advise on his relationship with his wife. They were both funny stopping by to see if I wanted a wild turkey they came across the other night. (A horse apparently ran over it...)

I am glad that his awesome wife and I hit it off, but wish I hadn't lost her cell phone # ... it was here somewhere!

I also lost a # for a friend who called a few times that Pocohontas and I made when backpacking. Nice fellow from Leesburg who hikes a lot that we would likely invite on our next group hike if Pocohontas didn't lose his # too! I am so terrible at that!

Busy day yesterday. Started off great but then when one of the little ones emulated the behavior her sister has been getting BETTER AT reducing... and when she ACCUSED her sister of the beahvior when it was not truthful, I then did wash HER mouth out with soap after we arrived at school and I was cursed out. I mean I was SO PROUD of the younger one who STOPPED herself and chose OTHER words, and who TEMPERED herself this AM. The fact the older one was then LYING and saying that the other said words she hadn't- and so boldly SAYING the unacceptable words , I kinda let go. But when we arrived at school and the older one then CURSED ME OUT! (REALLY) That was when I couldn't let it go (as the 5 year old had been of late COPYING that behavior) and I said " I am coming in school with you and I am washing your mouth out with soap NOW! And I will defend my right to do so. It is NOT going to poison and harm you, and you ARE NOT GOING TO CURSE ME OUT- EVER AGAIN- ANY OF YOU."

So I did just that, but not without first responding to the 5 staff and principal who had to all come out and watch the show. Of course they made it a show by all coming out as we were walking in the school building and inquiring
"Is there a problem"
To which I replied
"YES there is a problem. For the past four months or so my parental authority has been undermined and I do not apprechiate it. I will NOT be cursed out by my childen so I am washing one's mouth out with soap, and I will defend might right in court to do so if I have to. And if I do lose custody and they end up living with the abuser as a result then so be it- I am NOT going to be cursed at by my children or anyone else any more"

YES I WAS HOPPING MAD. Morseo at the school's attitude than anything else at this point ( or rather the school's attitude and at my EX for the nonsensical manipulation, and for having TAUGHT this example of not only the language but to talk TO ME in such a disrespectful manner.)

I was most angry in that moment however at the clear response of the school when we were late that AM that they clearly thought there was some problem WITH Me.

We were late as I was sick of lowering my standard to appease them to be on time with girls who have not followed their instructions and direction from their mother, so I insisted that they have their hair combed out BEFORE we went to school.

They could have been on time had I let that go.

I refused to do so. And I think it ESSENTIAL that before moving to a new home (which we are getting ready to do) that the rules be CRYSTAL CLEAR and CONSISTENT.
We WILL NOT LEAVE for school until the girls do ALL the things that I expect. That means they either brush their hair and teeth or I will do it for them. They will get dressed, make beds, come down eat breakfast then wash faces and hands and brush teeth and hair.

It is NOT too much to ask.

It shouldn't be too much to ask the school to be supportive as I re-estabilish the authority as a parent that had eroded and we have had a backslide of over the past few months of the girls attacking me verbally and physically as they are getting a consisitent message that I am a terrible parent.

YES they will resist... We went throuh this LAST YEAR and THEN when we were at a GREAT POINT Of such progress - of being late ONLY WITHIN A FEW MOMENTS ONCE OR TWICE A MONTH, we had a spiral as:
1) My authority was challenged and the message given NOT ONLY by my EX but then reinforced by THE SCHOOL that I am a terrible mother
2) The fear of the system crept in to me a bit. And although I KNOW it is ALWAYS WRONG to be motivated by fear, I DID allow that to be the case and didn't hold my line and myself let the girls go to school WITHOUT those things all done in order to get there on time. But you know what, it didn't make us be anymore reliable as far as being on time, it in the end made us late THE SAME AMOUNT OF TIMES , however DID undermine my OWN authority and THAT WAS MY DOING as I made a poor choice out of FEAR.
Fear based choices and motivation ARE ALWAYS POOR ONES. I am convinced of that.
3) FEAR BASED BEHAVIOR CHANGES NURTURE ONLY ANGER
4) I AM ANGRY

YES I AM NOW ANGRY AND RESENTFUL OF THE SCHOOL'S ROLE AND ACTIONS IN THIS. I HAVE ALL I CAN DO TO JUST SHOW UP THERE AT ALL.
GOING THERE AT ALL IS NOW A HUGE SOURCE OF STRESS AND ANXIETY AND ANGER.

5) I DID have a few rough weeks when I had to go to the domestic court. What can I say, I walk in and think of the three damn cases of domestic violence and it both upsets me and makes me fearful, paranoid AND ANGRY to now be in this position where my integrity and capability and honesty and even MENTAL FITNESS Are being questioned.

But like always I have pushed though the fear, and I am feeling BACK ON TRACK AND STRONG.

I will not submit to manipulation and just give up and give in.

I will do that which I have said all along:
FOCUS ON THE BEST FOR THE GIRLS

So with that final comment, I will re-establish the authority in my home, set clear expectations and stick to the follow through of enforcing them. EVEN IF IT MEANS that in the short term I have children that are going to hit, bite ,scratch, kick and pull my hair in response to me hair combing- the hair will be combed just like I have said it will be done DAILY.

Extinciton of those behaviors in response HAD BEEN ACHIEVED... but we have backlidden as I allowed myself to be distracted by this red herring issue of the school nonsense.

I see it for what it is.

It is a distraction created by the one person who DOES NOT WANT ME TO SUCCEED.

I DO HOWEVER HAVE THE POWER OF FOCUS, DESPITE MY LIMITATIONS

And I am FOCUSING ON WHAT MATTERS AND REFUSE TO PLAY INTO THESE DISTRACTIONS.

Now I am off to a lovely dinner at a friend's for a break from packing, as I get ready for the next chapter of our family life.

I am MOVING.

I am buying a four bedroom, four bathroom home for myself and children and nanny and her daughter.

I am CONFIDENT THAT I WILL PROVIDE THE PEACEFUL HAPPY HOME FREE OF VIOLENCE

We are just still in the process of growth en route.
But we WILL GET THERE!!

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