2010-06-16 - 9:33 a.m.
Of course, good news, bad news like always.
I FOUND MY HARD COPY of my 2009 filed federal tax return! IT was in a file mislabed as "Flexible spending reimbursement." FIGURES
Found it Just in time.
I am feeling tired.
Kinda like I feel in relation to the school.
Just figured I will do the best I can and give up battling with everyone who I feel is critizicing and say
"YOU ARE RIGHT"
"SO BE IT"
and turn it over to the Lord!
So I AM NOT THE PERFECT PARENT, SO I don't HAVE THE PERFECT MORTGAGE LOAN APPLICATION, AND I am NOT A PERFECT EMPLOYEE
SO I am irresponsible at times, and at times my ADHD and even anxiety or paranoia or PTSD or WHATEVER KICK IN.
But that is who I am. The reality is that 95 % of the time I give MORE THAN OTHERS THOUGHT POSSIBLE with my effort and energy and persistance and dedication. So once in a blue moon I GIVE UP as when "fight or flight" instinct kick in , sometimes for me the RETREAT is my response. It use to OFTEN be the fight response (and as a trained debator, and with managment training I was pretty good at that)- but then I met my match and that experience of one who DOESN"T GIVE UP-EVER has worn me thin. I now prefer to DISENGAGE. As now I have had that taste of blood on my lips and think it is just not worth it.
I give up trying to prove anything to anyone, and have given all I can.
Either I am good enough for you, or I am not.
And that determination is more about YOU meeting your needs and YOUR JUDGEMENT than WHO I REALLY AM.
So the truth is
I DON'T CARE WHAT YOU THINK ANYMORE.
I AM HAPPY WHO I AM
And this is the key- my CARING about what you think was making ME ANGRY.
I do not respond well to negative reinforcers.
I do not respond well to adverse conditioning.
Which is why I DO NOT BELIEVE in using them with kids.
So maybe I am WRONG.
I watched a great video made my my SON!
MY SON directed an absolutely MARVELOUS MOVIE of the life of one of his finest mentors, and a most incredible woman who I am so happy he has in his life.
What struck me was that film in which she accounted that the 5 years in a Convent school taught her the skills she needed to succeed in life.
And what struck me was a wonderful mentor of MINE at work who after hearing of the kids being agressive with me said "It makes me re-think my NO SPANK philosophy"
I thought about that.
And I think that the DISCIPLINE is the KEY!
But it can be done with such love and CONSISTENCY that it is CLEAR that it is done with love.
Clearly the girls love their Dad and can forgive when he goes over the top.
That is something I NEVER QUESTIONED
Nor have I EVER questioned that he is an outstanding parent!
I said it before: THAT IS WHY I FELL IN LOVE AND MARRIED THE MAN
That doesn't mean that an OUTSTANDING PARENT CAN NOT HAVE MOMENTS OF IMPERFECTION THAT SHOULD BE STRIVEN TO IMPROVE
Mine are moments when I AM NOT consistent and don't follow through with discipline or consequences, or start a routine and try to establish a precedent and then fall short!
LIKE THIS AM when it was discovered that in zeal for packing the girls HAIRBRUSHES where packed!
HA HA I have to laugh as it was the enforcement and insistance on hairbrushing that the resistance of girls is MOST great. SO CONSISTENCY is the obvious response!
BUT DARN I went to the store and bought THREE CANS OF DETANGLER and was GOING to buy THREE MORE REDUNDANT SOFT BRUSHES
Since last Friday I GOT CURSED AT WHEN I Followed through and brushed hair with MY BRUSH - the backup one in the car.
I need a few SOFT BRUSHES AND DETANGLER as the CAR BACK UP and then with CONSISTENCY IF THE GIRLS DO NOT BRUSH TO SATISFACTION I WILL PULL OVER AND DO IT FOR THEM
That should NOT be a parental behavior for which CPS is called!
The fact that my 8 year old pulled TUFTS of MY HAIR OUT while I followed through with the insistance that I comb her hair, or the fact that the 10 year old CURSED ME OUT ARE of concern.
The FACT I AM INCONSISTENT and that this AM I told the girls they are to do the basics before school ,but I STIL BROUGHT THEM TO SCHOOL With only three out of four having hair brused (with the one soft brush NOT PACKED!) IS THE REAL PROBLEM WITH MY PARENTING.
And I know it.
And I know it is what I NEED TO FIX.
All this other stuff is just a distraction.
I am not going to get ANGRY or DISTRACTED by it all anymore.
Off to work.
I Am HAPPY to have gotten over my fear of remoting in.
I did work, sent it off, and WHOO HOOO it was received by an attorney !
The amount of anxiety to do that from home was UNBELIEVEABLE
I was hyperventalating and thought I couldn't speak for a moment.
I called a friend (the only one I KNEW would be up and awake! A fellow workahoic HA HA ) - Actually one I got ANGRY at after the fair question was asked "WHAT was the consequence for the 7 year old who took your tooth out with her behavior?"
I hung up when this friend had called earlier as I didn't need SCRUTINY or PARENTING TIPS but I needed a FRIEND in that moment.
I mean I get enough attacks.
We WOULD have been on time for school this AM but I DID THE DUMB THING of answering the phone.
Now why does my nanny call me at 7:10 AM to have a heated discussion choosing then to tell me what I am doing wrong as a parent?
Why did I have to answer the damn phone.
I love super nanny, but for her to call me at 7am and tell me she thinks she needs to lock the kids in their room to calm when upset (Raitlin in particular) when I beleive holding the door shut suffices AND FURTHER MORE if she does it just a few times the kid gets the message of the behavior not being acceptable and then stops the behavior.
THat is the 1,2,3 MAGIC recommended response to agression.
The agression WILL DIMINISH
But for my nanny to call and argue that the holding of the door is not sufficient and she NEEDS to be able to LOCK the kid in the room just made me ANGRY
I got angry cause once again I thought
"WHO THE HELL ARE YOU WORKING FOR ANYWAY?"
To consistenly call at 7AM
To have her say "We didn't go through backpacks" when she USED to do that, and she KNOWS this week I was off my feet... just to me seemed odd.
But as I figure that is likely MY PARANOIA of not trusting anyone I will let the moment pass and push through it and move on.
I am sure she called as it was the time she knew she could reach me!
But what angered me was what she was saying... as I disagree and feel like if she REALLY thinks it SO TRUE that MY CHILDREN ARE DANGEROUS then SHE IS RIGHT THAT THEY SHOULDN"T LIVE HERE is between SHE AND I WE BOTH CAN'T HANDLE THEM AND TEACH THEM SAFE BEHAVOIOR.
I think it is just BS for her to tell me it is DANGEROUS to NOT BE ABLE TO LOCK THE BEDROOM DOOR ON THE KID
Yes that parenting/child care method may work; but I DO NOT WANT TO EMPLOY IT AT THIS TIME.
Plain and simple.
I told her NEXT time don't BRING A FIGHTING CHILD TO THEIR ROOM, but disengage by HER (the Nanny) walking away, and taking the other kids OUT OF THE ROOM that Raitlin is in until Raitlin calms down.
It achieves the SAME outcome of giving Raitlin time and space to calm, and then she needn't worry about my kid kicking, fighting and being agressive in response to being sent to the room.
OR AS I TOLD HER BEFORE
CALL THE POLICE if the kid is so agressive you are scared for anyone's safety.
I WILL ALWAYS SUPPORT THAT !!
That is a consequence that the girls can learn is an outcome of agressive beahvior of others. I have no problem with maintaining safety with all the help needed.
And I got angry as I ALSO THOUGHT
IF SHE REALLY THINKS THAT Well then PERHAPS THE KIDS DON'T BELONG HERE!
I don't believe it because my oldest two are fine young teenagers blossoming into these marvelous individuals who make me proud day after day.
I am the SAME PARENT and parent very much the SAME WAY with perhaps the difference being that I have IMPROVED in many life skills since having them.
But at this point I have to think of my stance NOT as giving up, but rather surrendering to what is best.
Maybe I don't really know.
And if everyone wants to judge me harshly cause this week they see the girls late MORE: Well so be it.
I HAVE stopped taking the ADHD medication as the paranoia and PTSD symptoms DID Get worse with that medication.
The syptoms are there without it, but I really don't want to be adding OTHER drugs to manage a side effect when WITHOUT the drugs I can manage the levels of anxiety and PTSD moments AND I BELIVE CAN MANAGE THE ADHD
Not perfectly, but when I wasn't medicated the kids were two to three times late a month, and the medication for the ADHD DOES MAKE A HUGE DIFFERENCE but not their latenessto school. They WERE STILL LATE with the same frequency.
The adjustment is hard at getting us back on track to the GREAT POINT WE WERE AT- even WITHOUT any ADHD medication, at having a routine and clear expectations.
This is a transition as we are packing to move, so its hard but ESSENTIAL to set the rules and boundaries NOW !
Harder as not the best time to quite the ADHD treatment cold turkey, but that is what the Dr. Ordered as the side effects were TERRIBLE.
The PTSD moments STILL happen without the side effects accentuating them, but at least they are not as severe.
So I am managing my medical needs now and YES that comes first.
But that transtion and adjustment period will pass and I will then have us all back on track.
Just takes a little time.
And I have patience and hope this will all work out fine in the end.