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2010-06-19 - 6:50 a.m.

I am reading one of the best self help books I have ever read:

The Power of Focus

What is interesting, is that for all my difficultys with ADHD I actually do have incredible good habits and skills at focusing on one thing at a time.

The thing is, I can do that WHILE having a number of things being juggled.

And for me, my productivity is increased exponentially (as far as the TIME it takes me to complete a task, and also how SHARP I am when doing it)- when I have more on my plate.

Its the stimulation factor.

If I get in FLOW, I then can tackle a task that is more challenging.

So my methodology is to handle that DEER IN HEADLIGHTS feeling of being overwealmed moment (which is really one of FEAR and ANXIETY that can disable a person's capability if they don't push through) BY then moving onto a task that I can do VERY WELL with competency and efficiency Quickly in one or two hours and THEN go RIGHT BACK TO THE HARD TASK ON MY PLATE with that backdrop of success and accomplishment and CONFIDENCE.

I think this works SO WELL.

I was frustrated this week as I have a task that was challenging for me. Not the this particular one SHOULD be challenging.

I don't think it SHOULD be at this time, with my experience.

However I think it was-- for whatever reason.

It was one of those things that whenever I sat down to do, I would FIGHT FALLING ASLEEP.

Now that might just be the challenge of ADHD not being able to push through BOREDOM

Needing stimulation for the brain to work, as if not stimulated the problem of GLUCOSE not being metabolized correctly kicks in

It's like the ADHD person who can be so brilliant at times , when forced to sit with a simple boring task OR one that is not simple but is a challenge the the person is overwealmed by- then had a brain that just SHUTS OFF.

Now this doesn't OFTEN HAPPEN. That is because I have such a well developed mechanism of managing this (I think!)

The thing is, it is hard when a linear thinker looks as a circular thinker (and yes we DO COME FULL CIRCLE AND COMPLETE THE THOUGHT WELL... if allowed to. I loved that my Life Coach in his assessment of me pointed that out about me, and said that to really thrive you have to LET the circular thinker do their thing!)-- as I was saying in my circular way (HA HA), the linear thinker does not understand that if allowed the time and space that the circular thinker will end up with the result that is AS GOOD as the linear thinker in the end.

And yes it might take LONGER to get TASK A DONE.

But in the time it would take a linear thinker to complete task A; if you let the circular thinker to their own thing-- maybe it will take a LITTLE BIT LONGER, but you will find then that the circular thinker will THEN HAVE TO COMPLETION TASKS A,B,C,D,E and F!

And YES they will all be done well , even though there will be some imperfection and they won't be PERFECT!

Trouble is that the linear thinkers freak out and then sometimes take over before the circular thinker can complete the circle.

So there are TWO WAYS to work well with a circular thinker like me.

1. Find a linear thinker who doesn't MIND and ENJOYS the tying up loose ends to completion.


2. Allow the space and time to let the circular thinker follow through. They WILL DO SO- and you will find a ridiculous amount of things are done.

Last week I brought 12 deals to completion.

I counted.
Now I might be the ghost writer on a number of those.
Fine by me.

This week I only had three to completion.

And this week I didn't START ONE NEW ONE.

Granted I DID have a drop in productivity as I used sick and personal time for 16 hours. However I was NOT as productive the OTHER time.

I am trying to figure out HOW TO BE MOST PRODUCTIVE at work.

And I am looking at those times I CRANK OUT THE WORK

and believe that even if there is an i not dotted or a t not crossed there are NOT legally substantive issues. I beleive I am best when allowed to capitalize on my gifts and not made to focus on my weaknesses.

That is what the Power of Focus recommends.

It is how brilliance and incredible talent is nurtured.

Magic Johnson wouldn't be the athlete he is today if someone along his life path insisted that as a kid he work on math for three hours a day because it is his area of weakness!

So that makes me think as a parent this book is an essential learning tool for me.

I laugh at Katerina pushing herself thought that Gifted Math Program with three hours of homework a night, and taking college level course at the University as young as Middle School when the reality is she only did that


and she had to prove otherwise.

She comes by that honestly!

Its hilarious
That fighter spirit to work hard and be motivated by an attack.

The fight mechanism can be a good motivator.

I am thrilled that despite that Katerina got an 800 on her verbal SAT. The thing is all those years spent on math classes at the University level when her REAL gift is in VERBAL acuity and this kid used to LOVE to write stories when YOUNG make me shocked to realize the kid that could creatively write at Age 6 with brilliance now is finding simple essays a challenge.

She has focused time and attention on her WEAKNESSESS and she is likely not more than Average in her areas of strength. As far as being a writer. She is likely an AVERAGE writer at this juncture. She stresses over it. She doesn't ENJOY it. Now this is a kid who read 80 Newbery Award Winning bookss when in the 4th grade of her own accord! So for her to then spend all this time on something that is NOT her natural ability may not have been a productive use of her time in the long run.

Of course she will be fine! But then I look at SOREN who just has a passion for theater and self motivation and is just actualizing that gift by his focus and immersion in that world of theater.

My mom used to say "If a kid has a gift they will develop it" and she didn't think it important to have kids take art or music lessons. She said that to me, and thought if a kids WANTS to develop a talent they WILL JUST DO IT out of self motivation and all these parents needn't be pushing them.

I however think the discipline and teaching a training that come from a structured program of any course of study, be it BASEBALL or KUNG FU or PIANO, ANY pursuit of an extra curricular is SO important to character development that those who don't have those lessons in the early formative years then have to LEARN those habits and life skills LATER which will bring them success in life.

Which is where the book the POWER OF FOCUS comes in.

The paid Life Coach I had WAS GOOD.

I thought it wasn't worth continuing as I THOUGHT that the report I got was just kinda stating the obvious for me, and I wasn't thrilled with the actual Deliverable I received.

But I work with documents so now I am trained to notice all their limitations and deficiencys. I edited it and looked at it with a critical eye AS I AM TRAINED NOW TO DO/

I think it was a good choice to hire him, and a good choice to NOT continue as what he validated was that I DO HAVE A SOLID system of organization in my life, and a skill set- but it is the FOLLOW THROUGH of doing the things I set up CONSISTENTLY which is the area of my weakness. But the thing is , once I STOPPED working with the Life Coach, I noted that when I was feeling under attack I didn't respond with that motivation to SUCCEED and PROVE OTHERWISE (which is in part what motivated me to hire him in the first place to be the best I can be!); but I responded with the FLIGHT mechanism instead the past few weeks. So in retrospect it was a mistake to stop working with him I thought I needed the money to be targeted for our HOME purchase,and I thought I was STRONG ENOUGH to be consistent without him as I have support of my nanny and friends. Thing is, no sooner did I not work with him, super nanny ALSO hit a bad spell and the past month she really didn't do things the way SHE NORMALLY DOES! Funny.. but I realize I NEED the support that she offers, and the support I sought out in him. When she hadn't the energy for it, and it was JUST ME, I didn't have the energy either and then instead of the DRIVE TO SUCCEED NO MATTER WHAT- when faced with what I see as an ATTACK I retreated. My motivation WAS NULL for some things. And it affected my flow in ALL Areas of life. Now this happened as I hit the emotional point of ANGER. I WAS ANGRY at the school. I was ANGRY at their continued lack of trust and lack of support and out right attack of me. In the past I would FIGHT that and try to prove otherwise. I hit the point where I just don't give a damn what they think anymore. My order and authority in my home is more important than the school's impression of me. But then I also hit the point which I think is a COMMON RESPONSE to negative reinforcers: Anger and a passive agressive then saying "This is what I am being looked at and perceived as? Well here I will then give you what you expect and claim of me. I might as well at LEAST get the BENEFIT of that!" I mean if I am going to be brough back to court for being 5 minutes late, well then what is left as the motivation to be on time at all? I mean I ALREADY have these consequences- for a behavior I haven't even exhibited! I might as well AT LEAST enjoy life for a few weeks by sleeping in and letting our home be relaxed and get SOME PERSONAL BENEFIT for the $2000 I had to pay for lateness? I might as well ACTUAL be late! HEY I AM PAYING $2000 now for that PRIVALEGE. So after the school brough me to court to compel payment of the fines of the full $2000 That ANGER KICKED IN. And I admit that I wanted to then at least get SOME BENEFIT If I am going to pay the PUNISHMENT I MIGHT AS WELL AT LEAST HAVE THE PLEASURE OF ENJOYMENT OF SLEEPING IN which we HAVE NOT HAD ALL YEAR. So yes a Passive Agressive response As YES I GOT VERY ANGRY that I was brought back to court after being LATE ONLY THREE TIMES LESS THAN 5 minutes. The thing is ALL YEAR I HAVE TRIED NOT TO BE ANGRY I tried to be PROACTIVE. I tried to be RESPONSIBLE and COMMUNICATIVE and PUSH BACK on the attack with clear commnication and defense by pointing out that there is an incongruency between the mirage of how I am being portrayed and the reality. But the thing is, the past few weeks I ALSO just REALLY GOT BEATEN DOWN EMOTIONALLY for a change. And I was TIRED I GAVE UP I didn't care. Its not really that I didn't care, but for me it was easier to act as if I didn't care than to become SO ANGRY. And to even set foot in that school is infuriating at this point. So it was HEALTHIER to just NOT DO SO. I realized that after the last time I did set foot in that school and there were four or five teachers and administrators who came out of the class to see what was up. That day we were late as I was doing it my way and insisting on the girls treating me with respect. But honestly some days since we were later than we were ALL YEAR as my motivation was spent, my energy was spent, and I was SO ANGRY at the school. I wasn't disciplined enough to push through that. So I RETREATED and the "flight" mechanism kicked in. My fighter spirit gave up. So for me I know what I need to work on is DISCIPLINE. I NEED TO NOT GIVE UP. I NEED TO NOT RETREAT and DISENGAGE COMPLETELY. I guess I think that IS the wiseset response with an abuser, and as I saw the school and the court as being used as a manipulative tool of an abuser, I think my inclination has been to totally DISENGAGE rather than go through the emptional trama of that kind of abuse and sustained attack. But I have to push through that. I really SHOULD call the Law guardian back. The thing is I am ANGRY that THE FIRST WEEK I GOT A LETTER FROM HER I CALLED IMMEDIATELY AND ASKED TO BRING MY GIRLS IN AND SHE DID NOT CALL ME BACK Then I got a Bull shit letter acting like I hadn't been responsive which was such BS as I HAD called and left my number. It made me think of the TWELEVE PEOPLE I GAVE HER NAMES OF LAST TIME AROUND THAT SHE NEVER CONTACTED.Last time around I sent those by e-mail, hand delivery , and a voice mail for redundancy to ENSURE she had my contacts. NOT ONE OF THOSE TWELEVE LAST TIME WERE CONTACTED BY HER So this time SHE IS BETTER As her follow through But this time I have such paranoia and fear and feel like it is SO HARD TO TRUST ANYONE that it was hard to give her even ONE NAME TO CALL. That co-joined with the fact OTHERS HAVE FEAR of being involved. I am not the only one afraid of my Ex. DAMN those 12 could have estabished a community reputation three years ago. But for three years he has wisely become involved in community to CHANGE that perception. I think that his going through the motions (EVEN IF FOR THE WRONG REASON!), as I have said before is SUCH A GOOD THING as HE HAS DEVELOPED GREAT HABITS AND GOOD INVOLVEMENT which only benefits he and the children. I have said before: Abuse happens in isolation. It happens when one is DISCONNECTED from a community and does not have that emotional and social support. So kudos to him as he has developed good habits over the past three years in his area of weakness, perhaps BETTER than I have in developing good habits in my areas of weakness. I know for me what I need is SELF DISCIPLINE.

That is where the book Power of Focus comes in.

It is all about identifying habits, and training oneself to develop ones that serve you well in life and achieve extinction of those which DO NOT serve you well.

I am finding it a great motivator! A good read now as the past few weeks I HAVE JUST HAD NO MOTIVATION!! Ironic. At least during that time of no motivation I did successfully find and complete the buying of a home. So I AM still able to push through the FEELING of lack of motivation to some extent to get done what I have to get done. Just disappointing to feel down, which I RARELY DO and to not really be excited and thrilled at this juncture which SHOULD BE SUCH A HAPPY ONE! I guess I just feel saddened that anyone wouldn't be overjoyed at the success I have achieved and would choose to only focus on the imperfections. I don't get that, and as its out of my control what others think, and as my inner peace and contentment is not contingent on external factors I don't usually care! This week therefore there was something going on with ME such that I felt weighted down in an ususual manner. Working on that inner balance and peace each day til I get it right! This week I just had such a hard time I think feeling like I could BE ME and BE ACCEPTED. And no matter how much one WANTS to be at peace with self; when the world seems to keep intruding in with criticism then it is time to be FORCED to LISTEN And CHANGE THAT WHICH ONE CAN. I guess that is why I am feeling down. I feel like I have worked SO HARD to develop GOOD habits, to then only face criticism, when my view is that I have in reality made SUCH PROGRESS. SO that makes me wonder is my view REALLY DISTORTED? Where are my Rose Colored Glasses??? I am disappointed I can't find them and hope to soon as I swear I prefer the unrelenting undying optimism which is my usual life perspective than starting to listen to the world's negativity!

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