2010-07-11 - 9:20 a.m.

Personal pep talk:

I can crank through this and get it done. Its ONLY about a 300 page doc, and last weekend it took 20 hours to review a 700 page doc and prepare responses...

But last weekend I had to prepare and think about TWO responses as in a brillaint move one attny had the great strategy of submission of TWO PROPOSALS

* My fav tactic. I used that for Immigration applications..
Totally recommended

Most people don't want to go through that much effort and there are many who look at one like they are out in left field when suggesting such - but I just think they are not very creative and in the lines drawers and in the box thinkers who will be successful in life, but not ever BRILLIANT

OK I don't need to seek brilliance today, but merely bare bones COMPETENCE

It has to just BE DONE to the basic needed standard

Gosh , why are tasks like that so hard sometimes?

Reminds me of school days. I had this weird mental block where for EVERY PAPER (FOR YEARS!!!) I HAD TO HAVE SOME CREATIVE INDIVIDUAL IDEA

I mean what is the value add otherwise??

I just HATE busy work for sake of... busy work

OK so problem is the motivation and energy and speed at which I work for simple and routine is SO MUCH SLOWER than when I have something that challenges and complexity that gets those synaptic connections of mine all fired up and revving...

CE LA VIE

but back to the pep talk:

This one is NOT as complicated

SHOULD NOT BE HARD
AND I AM NOT SUFFERING SHEER EXHAUSTION as I was mid week after that 20 hour holiday weekend marathon RFP that was tossed to me on FRIDAY.

Thing is, I LOVED HAVING THAT PROJECT

I LOVED GETTNG ENGROSSED IN IT.

There is even a weird satisfaction knowing that it was so intense and challenging for me and that I did a darn good job on it, and NO ONE ELSE KNOWS

I don't know why I PREFER that at some level. That weird trait of liking that sort of santity of being able to just ENJOY a project and get caught up in it without even the PRESSURE of anyone watching or measuring or evaluating

Maybe that answers the question
If I feel scrutinized perhaps I feel an insecurity and then do not function well

I LOVE when I am working with someone who TRUSTS me and says "Just do it please"

That is what happened last Fri. Thing is I work with five different attorneys, with different styles and some micromanage, and some have no trust in my ability, and others give me total freedom so it feels a bit--- well psychofrenic (cant' spell that word!) flipping between these extremes in expectaions others have of me.

Its an odd thing to have to balance. One personality who trust me implicitly and the other who finds a way to improve even the simplest task so acts like they have no confidence in my abiltity to preform even a simple redline.

Its kinda funny to me.

I love analyzin people I suppose, so I find it rather amusing at times.

And then, As I ALWAYS want to improve I kinda SEEK OUT THE CONSTRUCTIVE CRITICIM by calling attention to my own deficiencies, which of course makes anyone ELSE who has any insecrity feel less secure with my work and me as well.
I get that.

I think I see that the more secure ones are the ones who give me greater freedom and support and have confidence in my ability

They are the STRONG ones who when I feel weaker I then find as a SOURCE OF STRENGTH!

SO GOOD TO WORK WITH A FEW OF THOSE! THEY ARE AWESOME!

And I appreachiat the feedback and improvement in my quality of work from the other type of person (Even if in that process they now think less of me LOL!!)

OK back to the Project...

Its such a quiet morning with girls sleeping in, one who earned breakfast in bed, and a Veggie Tales Fest about to begin for a little while until I am at least on a roll. I can wrap up the Project after they are in bed, but have to at least get STARTED and some progress for a bit! Haven't yet as weekend of course absorbed by girls and I was just TOO TIRED both Fri and Sat nights!

But Sleep IS GOOD!

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