2010-07-14 - 6:29 a.m.

The one good thing about two days of trial over for me is that believe it or not, there are some things I have REFUSED to write about as I wanted to maintain my own sanctity of a personal space and my personal boundaries have so clearly been violated over and over again.

The personal boundary violation and stalker type behavior was exhbited in the courtroom yesterday when something I wrote on a site where some were discussing handling either ADHD or PTSD was brought in.

Once again I am baffled that my psycological issues that are directly related to the continued personal attack of me by my EX, are the primary case brought forth by his attorney.

I hope that just as in the case for the protective order, the judge actually takes note of the obsessive fixation of my EX to continue to cross my personal boundaries and harass me.

I mean, how can one bring personal theraputic writing into a court and it not strike everyone that has been obtained by STALKING behavior.

It only makes me think it likely that my communication is not, nor ever will be secure.

It makes me think I might be better off with NO PHONE or NO INTERNET in my home whatsoever.

I have thought that at points.

I thought of not installing a new phone line and internet connection and just relying on the library such that I don't have the stalker have knowledge of my every move.

I think at time I would feel SAFER in my own home if there was not ANY COMMUNICATION DEVISE that COULD EVEN BE MANIPULATED.

Now the one good thing about court almost being over (I HOPE) is that I do not have to EDIT My thoghts when journaling!
* Almost funny to think that I have DONE SO.

There are things I have written of and then deleted as I DO NOT WANT THEM MAIPULATED.

And my individual therapy, and the therapy of my daughters is something I am SO INSTANT REMAIN AN UNTARNISHED, UNMANIPULATED PROCESS WHICH IS SO TOTALLY SEPARATE FROM THE LITIGATION PROCESS THAT I EVEN RESENT THAT ON CROSS EXAMINATION THE OPPOSING COUNSEL HAD TO CROSS THE PERSONAL BOUNDARY OF ASKING MY DR.'s NAME.

I mean the fixation on my mental health in the courtroom is SO UNBALANCED.

There are MANY, MANY, MANY CAPABLE GOOD PARENTS WHO STRUGGLE WITH MENTAL ILLNESS.

THERE ARE MANY FIT PARENTS, ALBEIT NOT PERFECT THAT ARE DIAGNOSED OR NON DIAGNOSED WITH MENTAL ILLNESS

The difference is SOME actually SEEK HELP AND TREATMENT

I am one of the BRAVER ones who has not been AFRAID or TOO PROUD to acknowledge my own deficiencys and seek help to treat my issues.

I have grappled with my decision to hire a life coach, and then the choice to NOT CONTINUE Working with him.

I found his help valuable but EXPENSIVE.

I found his recommendations in the report he gave to me to be a bit simplistic without a specific plan and specific recommendations other than to get a blackberry and google calenders and psynch everything....

WHICH IS A GREAT IDEA

But the trouble is that his next ACTION item seemed tro be to get me more connected when for safety I would rather be LESS at some level.

So I tried to push though that fear and decided I COULD DO It ON MY OWN with support of my Friends. I though the MARINE was a great motivator and voice of encouragement I responsd and feel soothed and supported and his love and support was BETTER than any life coach. I thought my awesome nanny already DOES for me, or could do for me, much of what I expected the life coach to do.

Agreed it is healthier to have a professional who is NOT part of one's life in that role of coach- in life ONLY in that role.

So I figured I would SEEK OUT personal life coaches:

Figuring after this nonsense is over I will call back and connect with the professional mentor (and International Lawyer at work) that one of the ladies in my work approached me and asked if I would WANT a personal professional mentor.

That was nice- A leader in our workplace reached out to ME as she was impressed with what she saw of my leadership skills in a the few interactrions she has had with what I call our "Extra curricular" activities.

Work so reminds me of a college campus in some ways... socially being one.

I have thought my psyciatrist and personal therapist were ENOUGH support that the Life Coach had no added value at that time.

Boy in retrospect do I realize THAT WAS A MISTAKE

as it was the month of JUNE, when I had a sprained ankle, when in early June TWO OF THE CHILDREN CAME AT ME IN A PHYSICAL MANNER of HITTING ME and then one threw an object at me resulting in a burst lip, a broken tooth and an afternoon getting stitches.

YES the children are downright VIOLENT WITH ME at times.

However the mirage is that I am the agressor.

And boy do I get ANGRY AND AGRESSIVE IN COURT!

Its perhaps the only place I can do so in my world as I know

a) IT IS A JUSIFIABLE REASON and

b) At some level the MOST APPROPRIATE PLACE FOR ME TO EXPRESS MY ANGER IS THE COURT

As YES I AM ANGRY that there is such a mirage of my home being UNSAFE For the girls.

There IS A PROBLEM with the girls having agressive moments.

I am glad to have an apppointment for Sadie as the past few months she has been the one that is now struggling with agressive behavior!

Its interesting to me that Katie is doing BETTER NOW and now I see SADIE having the issues of agression and anger.

I STILL MAINTAIN That this has to be handled SOMEWHERE and that for it to come out in my home and then be addressed THERAPUTICALLY is just part of the process that a child (OR A MOTHER) who had been exposed to SEVERE ABUSE HAS TO GO THROUGH.

I still maintain that the transference I see, and the issues I see ARE NO DIFFERENT THAN THOSE A PARENT WHO ADOPTS A CHILD OFTEN SEES.

My children have been tramatized; not by me, but by their Father.

THAT IS NOT TO SAY I THINK THEY SHOULD NOT HAVE A RELATIONSHIP OR TIME WITH THEIR FATHER

I think the process of HEALING has to be gone through WHEREEVER THEY ARE

and I think the biggest mistake sometimes made for kids is NOT BELIVEING IN THE POWER OF LOVE AND TRUSTING THE GOODNESS OF INDIVIDUALS IS THE STRONGER PART OF THEM

I TRUST MY EX HUSBAND

YES, I REALLY DO

Suprising for some to accept or understand

BUT I TRUST THAT HE HAS THE CAPACITY TO DO THE BEST AS A PARENT

That is not to say I think he will be perfect

That is not to say I think he will NEVER cross the line and be abusive to the children

OH HE WILL

That is not to say I AM NOT AFRAID OF HIM PERSONALLY

OH I AM

But regardless, I TRUST that his capacity to LOVE HIS CHILDREN is GREATER than his limitations

And in the end I think that is what is MOST IMPORTANT

I trust that the number of children killed by a blow to the head is small in comparision to the number of kids who have parents that box their ears, pop them in the head and throw the occassional punch to the head.

So I trust they will be protected by a greater power.

Perhaps a simplistic view

But Mother Theresa said some of the simplest, and most profound things in response to greater turmoil that this.

God's love heals and when we start to love each other in our homes, the world will be healed.

In my disorganization I have no idea where the book of quotes I have turned to as one source of strength is now...

But the main message is

LOVE IS STRONGER THAN DEATH

Death is not the physical, but our spiritual , our death of connection with God and each other, our death of our own goodness and capacity to care and have empathy for others that is at times a result of a hardened heart that is stuck in the perseveration of defensive fight or flight mechanism due to our own wounding.

LOVE IS STRONGER THAT DEATH

God DOES have the power to touch lives and is the ultimate protector.

So once again, I have turned to complete submission in this matter and prayer and the Lord is who I see as my chief counsel.

I decided YEARS ago to go to Bible study in preparation to Trial, and prayer and hope to be at PEACE.

SO the past couple of days I DID not maintain or have that peace.

I also had not entered into prayer beforehand and during the Trial as I INTENDED to do.

And I do think that makes a big difference.

I need to get these girls up for their Vacation Bible School.

The biggest limitation in being on time is my firm belief in SLEEP FOR KIDS

I think we SO OVERPROGRAM and OVERSCHEDULE and OVER PLAN for kids and then many let them stay up too late and wake them up too early and kids DO NOT GET ENOUGH SLEEP.

So its funny to me to hear the one teacher say my daughter seemed TIRED when with me, and for her to represent she thought she was more tired at the end of the week with me than the beginning, but that she WAS NOT tired when with DAD.
Interesting.

Because I know we both put them to bed the same time, and I think I let them sleep in more.

I have to ask him if she is still napping with him, as she stopped napping regularly this past year. MAybe she still needs it!

ITs that trouble of waking sleeping children that in truth is the #1 reason I tend to run late with them in the morning.

I just feel like our bodies tell us what we need and most just don't listen.

I still think it somewhat SANE to have the stance that is a child is EXHAUSTED (for whatever reason) it is MORE beneficial to let the kid sleep in than be on time for school that given day.

That is the one value I have a REAL hard time shifting to see being on time as more important than.

I had to shift my weighing of healthy food in recognition that my homemmade breakfasts which I USUALLY could make, might be not as important so I STOPPED making pancakes during the week as I used to regularly do. I STOPPED cooking eggs and bacon as often as I used to do. I did resort to dried cereal and instant oatmeal instead of the pot of the old fashioned brewing to do less in the AM and hope that made a difference in being on time.

It really didn't. I Think we just haven't been eating as well.

Overall however, I am doing the best I can and am convinced these kids are OK when with me.

They ARE THRIVING in school, depsite the teachers who want to represent otherwise as THEY ARE ANGRY AT ME FOR AS THEY PERCEIVE IT HAVING PUT A CHILD IN A MENTAL HOSPITAL WHO DIDN'T NEED TO BE THERE.

I think I did a good job of exposing that anger and that judgment call that was made of me and how that is what was playing into the teacher's attack of me.

Because whether they admit it or not, that is what they actually DID.

I mean for the past year they have done nothing but criticize.

Yet it is called Paranoia that I have been afraid of some of the school conspiring against me.

ONLY SOME

And it's not paranoid, it was real that some worked together, which is in fact a definition of a conspiracy.

Ah here is the random definition fro1. collusion, sedition. 2. Conspiracy, plot, intrigue, cabal all refer to surreptitious or covert schemes to accomplish some end, most often an evil one. A conspiracy usually involves a group entering into a secret agreement to achieve some illicit or harmful objective: a vicious conspiracy to control prices. A plot is a carefully planned secret scheme, usually by a small number of persons, to secure sinister ends: a plot to seize control of a company. An intrigue usually involves duplicity and deceit aimed at achieving either personal advantage or criminal or treasonous objectives: the petty intrigues of civil servants. Cabal refers either to a plan by a small group of highly-placed persons to overthrow or control a government, or to the group of persons themselves: a cabal of powerful lawmakers.

AH, so rather than refer to Westley's "posse", I more accurately should have been referring to the CABAL.

"WESLEY's CABAL"

Now the thing is, I had at least one other teacher from the school say "Soupena me"

I was literally ASKED to soupena one, and requested to consider soupenaing a few other school personnel who WANTED To testify to attest that they view the situation differently.

However I have remainded STRINGENT in that choice to NOT INVOLVE OTHER PEOPLE.
I still just see this whole court process as a SELFISH FARCE and refuse to partake in the game of it.

I had all I could so to show up.

IT hard to refuse to engage in a process one is oppposed to and to also have to be present and engaged.

Enough venting.

Time to start my day.

I have work to do (OVER DUE WORK!)

I had trouble with my connection that I was trying to set up. I have to fix that in the next couple of days. Until then borrowed bandwidth is getting my by so I can try to get work done.

But nanny just let me know it is 7:35 and I likely have little choice in letting the kids sleep in.

I HATE WAKING THEM UP...
UGH

But they do hace Vacation Bible School and I have work to do.

OH yeah....
I also have to be back at court for closing arguments.

I should correct that, for the closing argument.

I didn't prepare one.

Nor do I think I am going to. I think I will just go in with my extemporaneous speaking skills and weave together the facts that I did reveal in the cross examination I did, as well as in the case set forth, by opposing counsel. As always, I feel he set up the facts I need. Why pay an attorney when it is more efficient to use the work of the opposing counsel for my benefit?

All the judge need to know to have the truth of the bigger picture was within the presentation of opposing counsel, if one knows how to identify and recognize it. That is where my job now begins.

And I can do that capably.
I have never NOT done so,in debate, or Moot Court so I don't see why this time should be any different- I really only need 15 mintues to scan the flow of his argument and craft a response.

Shouldn't be too hard.

Maybe I will decide to do that.

And this isn't some bullshit "Fear of Failure, Fear of Success" crap-- like "OH I didn't hire an attorney" OR
"I didn't make effort"
which are how people sabatogue their success psycologically when they are feeling overwealmed and low self esteem so that is they DO FAIL They HAVE AN EXCUSE

NO THIS IS CONFIDENCE

This is SO RIDICULOUS When one looks at the ACUTAL ISSUES RAISED and separates out the attacks and ad hominum from the argument, that there really IS A VERY TENUOUS WEAK CASE BEING PRESENTED by the Defendant .

I don't think it holds much ground at all, and think it so simple to crumble there was little reason to throw money and resources at this legal action which could have more wisely been used for other things-
Like buying a home.

Which is what I AM PROUD to have done!

�

�