2010-08-07 - 8:40 a.m.

I awoke early and hoped to enjoy the quiet but it was frustrating I can't find the adaptor to my laptop! I hoped to sit in my room and write, and that search took up some time .

The sleepers in the living room (Super Nanny and her daughter who returned from travels) are awake. So it is quiet now as I am listening to the locust hum outside and have time to write as they read.

I felt badly however that I awoke them at 7:30 am trying to quietly putter around looking for the laptop cord so I could work upstairs.

I hoped to enjoy the ADHD ADVANCES course from Dr. Anthony Kane this AM. I purchased his program on ADD and ODD behavior in children and have found it to be valuable.

Unfortunately I haven't taken time to go through it all but have only enjoyed his shorter videos that he sends weekly.

Of course now that I have a Sat morning to dedicate to this, I CAN'T FIND THE E-Mail with the information on how to access the course.

Same old story... that one e-mail missing in action.

Similar to how I had EVERY e-mail from my friend Tom BUT the ONE that he sent the phone # of our homeowners association in as I really needed to call to see why the pool passess hadn't arrived.

He helped me out further by stopping by their office and actually hand delivering the application- which I HAD FAXED but they apparently had not received. He then stopped by after work yesterday to pick up the passes.

Now the thing is, while I am happy to have the passess I was kinda freaked to get a call at work from this neighbor saying

"I called and am dropping off the form and picking up the passess for you, I figured you wouldn't mind"

I DID MIND.
I was kinda furious as the boundary pushing.

I mean

#1 DO NOT CALL ME AT WORK

I have pretty much made that clear that I do not like personal calls at work unless ABSOLOUTELY NECESSARY.

I mean I work in cubicle world and I go to work to actually WORK.
And that requires GREAT FOCUS for me. I, moreso than others, need to consiously avoid ALL DISTRACTION.

#2 Please don't try to connect with me EVERY DAY!! I mean I am going to start seeing you as NEEDY and I NEED TIME WITH MY FAMILY. MY KIDS!

So the constant need for attention from a male in my life WILL MAKE ME RUN

AND RUN FAST

but

#3 Even if you are trying to be helpful DO NOT TAKE ON MY RESPONSIBILITIES OR ISSUES!!

I mean that behavior DOES NOT make me feel loved and cared for by a man.. but makes me get the message that he is looking for someone TO TAKE CARE OF AS IT VALIDATES HIS SELF- HIS EGO

I mean, I am happy to have FRIENDS

#4 Healthy Friendships are based on mutually shared respect and experiences and just wanting to spend time TOGETHER

#5 If someone is INTRUSIVE and CROSSES MY PERSONAL BOUNDARIES I WILL NOT BE DESIROUS OF SPENDING TIME WITH THEM

#6 I HAVE NO RESPECT FOR LIARS OF ANY KIND

Now this is the WORST part about this interaction:
(Interaction?? I mean can I even call it that? IT was an IMPOSITION!! It was put on me without my input. It was STALKER LIKE BEHAVIOR INAPPROPRIATE TO THE RELATIONSHIP)

My form I faxed did not apparently get there. My friend took it upon himself to pull a new one , fill it out and drop it off. NOW THE THING IS THERE IS A SIGNATURE LINE. He said " I figured you wouldn't mind me completing it as I was your emergency contact anyway"

To me, to fill out a form and then sign anothers name is to bold faced LIE.

TO LIE ON A FORM because you think the outcome justifies it to me is a huge red flag.

I think if someone will lie for convienience for LITTLE things, well then why wouldn't they lie when there is even MORE AT STAKE??

I just don't respect that.

I think I have been around too much lying that I just don't want to be around anyone who has the bad habit of being a liar.

YES I asked his permission to be the emergency contact as he IS my friend and neighbor and close by- and YES I HAVE had interaction for three years at some level (his daughter was best friends with one of mine in school and they were in Brownies together and he is rather close with the troop leader I am friendly with etc...)and since moving we have become friends.

So that MADE SENSE as I had a degree of TRUST.

But this is the biggest thing of all:

#7 Trust is eroded when you cross someones personal boundaries, and it can be hard to re-build after being eroded.

Its kinda funny how that works.It is so easy to blow it and break down trust and hard to build back up- at least for me. So why do something so shortsighted that will cross a boundary? PATIENCE and PRUDENCE is SO IMPORTANT in relationships.

Now this is a nice person who means well, but all the red flags are waving high.

I DID TALK TO MY Friend about this, and the friends asked if I was mad and I said "YES" but the thing is I think he didn't GET IT. I think his concern was solely "I don't want to push you away"

I don't think there was any congnizence of the boundary issue or the ethical issue that you don't sign a paper OR complete paperwork for another EVER UNLESS YOU HAVE PERMISSION and even THEN I would NEVER SIGN THE NAME OF ANOTHER AS IT IS FORGERY!!
I mean I just don't get it that anyone would think that was OK!
*he said he just TYPED MY NAME when I addressed this.

But nonetheless , you don't EVER EVER EVER COMPLETE A FORM FOR ANYTHING IN ANOTHER PERSON'S NAME WITHOUT THEIR EXPLICIT PERMISSION!

Upon being shocked and interrupted by the call at work I quickly resent my form that I had completed via fax with PERMISSION for my friend to pick up said pool passes.

So like I said, I AM GLAD that the pool passes for the household are finally here.
We have gone swimming with guest passes, but it is nice to know that now we can go EVERY DAY.

And when my friend asked me to do something this weekend I was reluctant.

I was honest that I am protecting my TIME which is valuable and I am very careful about managing it. I want time with the big kids this weekend whom I don't get to see during the week when working.

I want time to write, think and process as alot has been going on.

I want time to quietly write my Marine a letter.

I want time to READ and finish the novel I am almost done with.

I wanted to enjoy the course on ODD and ADHD kids this AM.

And I want to enjoy a hike with friends - getting some exercise and enjoying company.

Romance just isn't on my agenda.

At least not with him, and I think that is where he would like our relationship to be.

I am not there. And I am thinking that I won't be with this man.

I did go on a few dates to test the waters and try to be open as I recognized my attraction to men the past few years has been solely to those who are UNAVALABLE!

The Ex boyfriend- Clearly fear of commitment issues, and a serial monogomist who is a fabulous partner for a couple of years and then moves on. Not like I didn't KNOW THAT.

Occassional romance with a friend with whom I have enjoyed company, knowing full well there was no possibility for future. He is done raising his kids, and has been supportive but no way in hell would be interested. Nice time together flirting once in a while which make me feel wonderful to be an attractive desirous woman (albeit his mind is one track.... he is not a boundary pusher and what we are both comfortable with has been wonderful and ENOUGH!!)

My fabulous loving and supportive friendship/romance at times/relationship with one of the best friends I could have in my "Virtual Boyfriend" Marine who has been SO FABULOUS As a support over the past year.

I love our friendship and that we each live our own lives and then do enjoy sharing time together about once a month (prior to accident as now he is a little tied up ! Literally!). The empotional love and support of this fabulous friend- yes an UNAVAILABLE MAN who also has NO INTEREST in a committed relationship at this time (nor likely ever! HA HA! I swear he will NEVER get married and enjoys his freedom too much!)

So I have found wonderful men in my life who can offer what I need. Occassional time, attention, friendship, flirting and romance to make me feel valued and apprechiated as a woman, but more importantly with that foundation of friendship and support.

And I don't want MORE THAN THAT.

I have NO TIME for more than that at this juncture in my life.

I need to take care of ME and My kids.

I need to work on me so I can be capable and productive and maintain my job and home.

I work darn hard to be a good employee and it is not without effort.

I NEED SLEEP regularly.

I can't be up late as then I am functionless-- not only the next day as most people are, but the next THREE DAYS.

Seriously.

If I am up too late I am imparied for DAYS!

There is a reason I was a non drinker for years (and now enjoy a glass of wine or two occassionally)- I can't sleep enough without alcohol interrupting good sleep(and alcohol does afftect the quality of sleep for most people whether they know it or not!); and I am IMPAIRED ENOUGH PYSIOLOGICALLY NATURALLY and have to fight to achieve balance that I certainly can't handle anythign else that could disrupt that balance at all!

Exercice helps tremendously, and my healthy diet- but sleep is more important to me than to most people.

That is a key reason the relationship with my EX boyfriend worked! He got up at 4AM for work and was on a schedule of going to bed at 9pm at night!

I realize now one of the reasons we had such a wonderful dating relationship and enjoyed so much time together was that we were compatible in those sleep cycles! When with him I just spent every other week at his house and he did pamper me, and I wasn't at all turned off with spending ALL MY TIME WITH HIM Every other week because then when I had my kids every other week he LEFT ME ALONE.

He was COMFORTABLE and SECURE and therefore didn't feel the need to call all the time or the need to see me AT ALL during that week. He was content with the substantial time we had together and then would be happy to let me have my time with the family uninterrupted but for his joining us for dinner for an hour on occassion. I LOVED that he then WENT HOME after that hour. No lingering... no expectations that I was unable to meet and that pushed my comfort zone.

I feel better now.

Perhaps I will go swimming.

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