2010-09-17 - 7:49 a.m.

Darn, I agreed to go have a coffee date this AM before work.

When Pocohantas had asked me to go walking in the mornings I had declined knowing that my mornings are valuable time for paying bills and getting chores done. When running late for work it is most often as I had the compulsion to clean three bathrooms and mop a floor or clean the garage...

HEY NO MORE GARAGE TO CLEAN! WHOO HOOO!!

Won't really miss it as I have adequate storage in yard and it is not as hard to clean! Downsizing is good.

One thing I laugh at is that old WHEEL BARREL that Pocohontas moved that I intended to leave at the curb for anyone who wanted it to snatch.

Its a decent wheelbarrel I bought when I put in the garden at the old house and had to haul in decent top soil.

I wonder if I moved the gardening tools or left those in the garage...
OH well... will soon find out as it is time to plant fall bulbs!

Anyway, my vent here is I made a coffee date and totally SHOULD HAVE KNOWN BETTER!

I am still in jammies and really wanted to keep rocking on bills and organizing finances etc... and try to get through the last four boxes of office crap I need to either toss out or find a place for.

OH well..

I guess if one would rather pay bills it kinda means

"Your just not that into him"

What was the name of that book for ladies? About the dude not being into you that much...

To be honest, my biggest issue is that I am TOTALLY SKITTISH of dudes that are into me TOO MUCH!

I NEVER have the problem of them not being into me.

But how the hell can one tell the difference between HEALTHY into you and OBSESSION.

I mean I just don't want another relationship with anyone obsessive, controlling and what often comes along with that.

Is REALLY BEING into you over the top ALWAYS an indicator of a controller?

Darn... haven't yet figured out this current guy in my life.

Should I be freaked out that he sends me flowers often?

Hmmm... the ex boyfriend was over the top with cards and flowers and it was so wonderful.

Didn't scare the hell out of me as I KNEW HE WAS A CONTROLLER HA HA... literally... AIR TRAFFIC CONTROLLER

No the thing is, he KNEW his controlling nature and he was so MATURE and HEALTHY about it that he neve let it get the best of him or others.

So it was EASY to trust him. He recognized and managed his own behavior and had such a HEALTHY respect of boundaries.

I feel like when one has to keep setting and then enforcing boundaries, then the relationship is NOT WORTH IT.

I mean I NEVER ONCE had to do that with my ex boyfriend.

He NEVER came by without calling. He never ever called to ASK to come by. EVER. PERIOD.

He was HEALTHY so he would call to invite ME to accompany HIM.

None of this..

"I brought you a present, can you come by for just a moment or can I stop by for a few."

That actually really bothers me.

Its a sign of a controller... or someone without impulse control at the very least...

Or...could it be thoughtful?

I am not quite sure...

That is the issue.

Maybe it is just thoughtful. He did just stop by when I said yes for a MOMENT or two to drop off a pretty rose.

But the thing is, the effect is not what he intended.

It was meant to brighten my day as the day started out with a child refusing to buckle in her car seat so we were late for school because of her refusal to be obedient and cooperative.

The morning was actually a LOVELY ONE! *despite that lateness due to that one moment of her not cooperating.

But regardless of that, the guy assumed I would be upset about it as I DID call him to ask him if he KNEW The current car seat laws.
* He has children

He was helpful in that regard as I need to hear the current code to end the standoff with my daughter to find out what the law IS as I had a FEAR of putting her in the car WITHOUT the car seat thinking I may have been set up by her Dad to do so.

At this point I have NO TRUST of him so assume that he is trying to manipulate the kids at every turn with some malicious intent to attack me further.
So it was more terrifying to think of putting her in the car without a car seat and thinking he coached her and was setting me up to have me fined or some such crazy thing for non compliance.

I mean since the dude enforced late to school with the law (when I was on avg 5 or 7 min late two or three times a month); why then would that fear of him coaching her and then me being cajoled to defy the law to get her to school on time NOT be a reasonable fear?

I mean, especially since a few years ago HE REMOVED all the car seats from our property and tried to get me to drive ALL The kids without them! I KNOW that the fear NOW may not be rational, but its hard when I feel like the same BEHAVIOR is being played out in the present that HE DID IN THE PAST to NOT HAVE THAT FEAR RESPONSE.

I recall then an officer telling me he thought I was being set up for contstructive abandonment and neglect had I driven the kids without car seats then.

So instead I stayed on the farm and refused to do so and DID NOT GO ANYWHERE for the few days my now EX was out of town until he came back, go over his hot headedness and anger and control moment and then HE WENT TO THE STORE and came back with new car seats.

So that being our past;
I have to forgive MYSELF for my fear of putting a kid in a car without a car seat being GREATER than the fear of the kid getting to school late.

We therefore DID get off to school after I got a call confirming that as of JULY 2010 the WEIGHT REQUIRMENT which until then would have required her to use a booster, has been lifted.

WHEW...
so she was CORRECT that by law she no longer needs a car booster after her 8th BD which was last week.

The thing is the kids WOULD NOT get out of the car to go in the house so I could google it; and therefore the only option was to wait for the call to confirm law.

We got to school at 8:30.

Ce la vie.

I got an e-mail "You have been late, if you want to avoid going back to court get the girls to school on time."

Here's a thought, if YOU want to avoid going back to court... STOP going back to court.

Plain and simple.

Its a more common sense solution: BE NORMAL and FORGIIVING of imperfection and stop ATTACKING your EX WIFE NON STOP.

Is it really more important for kids to be on time for school that for them to have a good relationship with BOTH PARENTS and time with their MOTHER???

Come on....

But I know the reality that is really DOESN'T matter if I am on time all the time. IF he WANTS to go back to court he will find some other reason or LIE and CREATE some other reason to do so! (Like he did with the contrived claim I was going to move the kids out of Loudoun , and then move them out of their school...come on... lets not be naive: Over and over this court has fallen for his BS, so why wouldn't then CONTINUE to fall for his BS???

Why PRETEND that he WANTS to avoid going back to court when we ALL KNOW that he wants nothing else than to DESTROY me and is going to KEEP TRYING in any way that he can.

But perhaps it is TERRIFYING TO HIM to NOT HAVE ANY MEANS OF CONTROLLING ME!!

Perhaps he truly is MOST AFRAID OF THAT!

Goodness, what will his outlet be for all his pent up anger at his mother who abused him that he hasn't ackoweldged and uses psychological transference to take out on me???

MAn, I think the guy needs to find another girlfriend victim... and soon

As if he does that might be better than what I fear the other likely alternative could be:

Abusing his kids when there is nothing left to project anger at me for.

But then again, I am an optimistic and hopeful that the man might actually go into therapy himself and recognize that his inability to trust ANYONE and inability to accept ANYONE ELSE'S IMPERFECTION and naricissism are all really just his way of handling his OWN WOUNDS of his childhood abuse.

Whatever.. I really couldn't care less how he figures out his life:

But for one thing:

The terrifying fear of the safety of the kids which only creeps up once in a while.

Most often I recognize certain facts that make me feel better:

Kids grow up with abusive parents all the time, who are ALSO VERY LOVING PARENTS who are GREAT TO THOSE SAME KIDS MOST OF THE TIME! They get over the issues in time... and they are fine...and turn out to do great things and be great people.

And while statistically batterers of their wife tend to then also be abusive to their children; statistically the fatalitys of a wife are HIGHER than those of children, and the fatalitys of children are MOSTLY of AGE 4 and under.

All the kids are over age 4.

Domestic Violence ends in only ONE of THREE WAYS:

1. Abuser stops the abuse
2. The victim LEAVES or
3. SOMEONE GETS KILLED

SO I left.

And I hope now at this juncture the abuser ALSO has stopped the abuse and DOES NOT CONTINUE WITH THE KIDs.

Because the kids are so young and vulnerable THEY CAN'T LEAVE and a court just awarded him FULL CUSTODY because I was getting them late to school 5 to 7 minutes 2 to 3 times a month.

I am at peace in SOME regard; knowing I have protected them EVERY WAY THAT I COULD short of extreme means.

I am telling you however, if anything EVER HAPPENS to one of those kids --
I would then change my tune and lobby as aggressively as MALCOM

"BY ANY MEANS NECESSARY"

I mean, if a woman goes PTSD AWOL and out of fear kills her abuser OUT OF FEAR ALONE that VISCERAL FEAR OF SAFETY

we would all think she was CRAZY.

If AMY had SHOT HER HUSBAND

WE WOULD ALL THINK SHE IS CRAZY

See the thing is, one can LEAVE. One doesn't HAVE to resort to that violence

If one LEAVES then they and their children WILL BE PROTECTED

RIGHT???

Yet in system where THAT DOES NOT HAPPEN and where SCHOOLS are then COMPLICIT in PLACING KIDS WITH THEIR ABUSER

I then GET IT when SOME PEOPLE GO OUTSIDE THE REALM OF THE LAW

Which is why I maintain GUNS ARE TERRIBLE THINGS TO EVER HAVE IN THE HOME!!

I would NEVER want to own a gun!! PERIOD!!

I would NEVER want even the potential for a moment of FEAR to take hold of me and to have such a weapon of destruction.

It does terrify me at times to think that this man NOW HAS A GUN and furthermore has been TEACHING THE GIRLS how to use it,and has also been TEACHING at least one of them TO HATE.

Specifically he is nurturing hatred of me.

That is terribly sad.

And I think the court really is blinded to the potential for danger there.

OK I feel better now.

Vented my fears.

So off to get dressed, say hi to a friend over a cup of coffee and then to work.

I can be at peace with my clear concience knowing I have done ALL I CAN TO CREATE A PEACEFUL SAFE HOME FOR MY CHILDREN.

How their Dad navigates the same for them is his concern.

But if he fails and there is violence there, it will NOT BE ON MY CONCIENCE

I just hope no one ever has to really start to analyze and ask as they have done in Pennsylvania where they filmed "Amy's story"

WHAT COULD WE HAVE DONE DIFFERENTLY?

I just hope that My story is helpful to some and some learn by example :

HERE IS WHAT TO DO DIFFERENTLY

I hope in the end, even though I don't HAVE my children here and they are with dad primarily that it can be pointed out:

LEAVING IS STILL A BETTER OPTION EVEN IF YOU LOSE YOUR CHILDREN

You are NOT six feet under, and that is the ONLY OTHER ALTERNATIVE when the abuser WILL NOT STOP.

I left after a hand was placed leaving a imprint on our then 6 year old daughter's stomach.

The abuse was not going to stop.

I had to leave.

I recall in one desparate moment leaving my home while the kids were all asleep and walking ALL NIGHT IN THE RAIN to try to get to a police station. I turned around realizing I WAS NOT going to get there before morning and the girls were still there with him.

But in that moment of fear, I felt MY LIFE was more important to preserve than worrying about the kids in the short term as if I was NOT alive then I would lose ALL ABILITY to protect them.

HE had calmed by morning when I returned wet from the rain.

And then I planned so as to be prepared to get help the next time I needed it.

So now, I AM STILL ALIVE
and I STILL CAN PROTECT MY CHILDREN

By offering a safe place they know they are always welcome to come to.

By continuing to be in their lives despite the constant attack of me.

ANd by teaching by example that one SHOULD NEVER MAKE FEAR BASED DECISIONS but rather make LOVE BASED ASSUMING THE BEST AND EXPECTING THE BEST OF PEOPLE.

So I hope that all works.

I hope he is a peaceful loving father TO THEM.

That is really all that matters in the end: That they have a peaceful loving home and both parents in their lives who THEY KNOW love them, who ARE NOT GOING TO HARM THEM.

I KNOW that they ALL KNOW that both parents love them. They just need to have the security that NEITHER PARENT WILL HARM THEM.

The sad thing is that he has taught the one girl to FEAR ME and HATE ME and had taught her to belive that I WILL HARM HER!

It is so crazy!

She eventually will judge based on HER OWN experince and perceptions however, so I don't worry too much about that manuipulation.

Life goes on... and that is what matters I suppose most of all!

"I will live with dignity, Because I dare."

I LEFT MY ABUSER

And I am proud of my accomplishment at doing so.

MY LIFE IS GOING ON!

And my children are a blessing who enrich it whenever we are blessed to have our time together!

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