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2010-10-08 - 11:41 p.m.

Now of course a WOMAN'S Version of distractions when working home would be different: laundry, dishes,and a compulsion to vacume corners not thought of or noticed for who knows how long...but today they are just SO OBVIOUS when there is a ( REPORT/ FILE/ PROJECT ( fill in the blank with desired deliverable Ladies)...

I could go on about other needy family members....but as I will refrain...

Then sitting down to work and thinking "What is that SMELL???"

With the terrible realization that it is a sweet...

yes sweet yet familiar and unpleasant smell...

So the couch which was just sat on with the intention of it being the "OFFICE CHAIR" for the day now JUST HAS TO BE CLEANED IMMEDIATELY ( then wondering Where am I going to sit after done with that random diversion as the outlet the work lap top can be plugged is now on the coffee table in front of a wonderful smelling clean but WET couch ....)

But... Wait...the smell STILL LINGERS...

SO out comes the CARPET CLEANER which lay domant hidden somewhere....( lets not really even think about how long it took to find.)

Then the search for the carpet cleaning solution.. ..(just imagine "If You Give a Mouse a Cookies Mothers out there)and fillin the blanks...

and then...yes the PET URINE REMOVER...

OK, so I don't even have pets, but TRUST ME-- it really is a fabulous product that every mother of very small children should have handy.

The poor Service man working in the kitchen that day must have thought I also was fumigating the house.

So after the disinfecting, and ionic ozygen enzymatic cleaning guaranteed to freshen carpets,upholstry and which seemed strong enough to kill every bit of bacteria in the whole neighborhood which filled the room with another excessively strong sent (at least citusy)-

The windows and doors did need to be opened to relieve the coughing of those unfortunate to be here as well at that time.

Only to realize that THE SMELL WAS STILL THERE.

And then - picking up the BABY'S BREATH which enrobed red roses sent by a man not yet lovelorn, but smitten fellow falling there fast; in realization that

BABY'S BREATH is the worst oxymoron of a name for the juxtaposition of these delicate tiny beautiful flowers which after a week or so start to smell hideosly like the other end of a baby!

Then at lunch time there is the compulsion to clean the fridge....Cause when home there is no one ELSE to put a big sign saying "The last Friday of the Month All contents WILL BE THROWN OUT FOR CLEANING"

OK, to be honest, all but the fridge part is a rather accurate description of the last work at home experience.

The service man was blocking the fridge as he fixed the broken dishwasher so I couldn't even get in the kitchen.

I did work from home twice over the past few weeks. The first week (as described!) in which the service man diagnosed the trouble and told me he needed to contact the insurance company and let them know that a new motor was needed and then they would decide if he is to order it or if they are having me get another.

Then this week after the required motor had been autorized for purchase by the Insurance company carrying my Home Warranty policy (thank goodness for that policy! I had a light fixed, the dishwasher and have a plumbing job approved and need to call the service man for that one next. As each has a co-pay of $100 I am doing one item a month on the house. The plumbing is a pipe that goes to the exterior front yard water that apparently was frozen some winter when a prior owner failed to cut the water and drain that pipe prior to winter.)

I have to admit that THIS Week when working from home on my now clean comfy couch with a hot cup of tea it WAS NICE and I WAS productive! I in fact got in the groove and didn't realize how late it was.

So I can see HOW NICE it is to work from home!
I always avoided it not because I was concerned about getting distracted; but rather I worry about getting OBSESSED and self absorbed in my work as I just LOVE to get really lost in a project.

I still am "geeky" like that. I enjoy nothing more than digging into the technical jargon of a scope of work and translating it into ENGLISH where I can!
To me the process of understading the technology of any product or service and then drafting the documents of the contract for such is really challenging, fun and satisfying work.

But its bad enough that I lose track of time and have a hard time LEAVING the office! I don't work from home as I think I could get so caught up that I never STOP working!

* I swear we have one in our group who is like that! She was annoyed I didn't send her something last Friday so she could work on it over the weekend and have it out Mon AM.

So I got off the phone and SMILED as I sent the doc off to her around 11AM on MON morn as I know that for the first time in a LONG time, she actually had a weekend FREE!

I bet she really DID enjoy that; although I TOTALLY understand her! It was HARD for me to leave the office tonight at 6:30 pm when I had a project that is ALMOST DONE! The compulsion to just stay in that "FLOW" State and keep working was there, but I was so HAPPY that Pocohontas called me and asked me to give her a ride home. I suggested we go out and visit one of the winerys on the Wine Trail as my friend the winery owner (well ONE of the winery owners as I have a couple of friends who run winerys here)- One of them gave me a BUNCH of those coupons, and I have only used one for a date to catch one of the Tarara music summer concerts but have a bunch more.

So we headed to a lovely winery called SUNSET HILLS which was FABULOUS!

What a lovely way to wind down on a Friday night! Fresh warm bread, a fine chunk of sharp chedder cheese and a wine tasting for two (with a non wine drinker so I had the pleasure of finishing her "tasting" as wellwhich made it just the PERFECT amount over the course of the hour we lingered over the tasting. It was so much fun as the guy working just leisurely took his time and let me drink it at a comfortble relaxing pace without pushing me through one kind to the next as some of the less , what is the right word....less tasteful?? For lack of a better word coming to mind, as some of the less TASTEFUL winery's will do.

I DO think it is just in poor taste so to speak- such terrible ettiqutte to RUSH a wine tasting as if the pourer is clamoring get the task over with and get out of there.

It was just So much fun enjoying Pocohantas' company. We then visited my friends at their winery and they ,as always, were fun to hang out with. There were other friends there so it was a nice mellow evening as we were fed fabulous clam chowder.

* This one friend is ALWAYS cooking and loves sharing food with whomever comes by. We always end up hanging out in the kitchen.

I realized that while a dude I have been seeing is a nice man, I have MORE FUN just going out with Pocohontas, and the DATE and the girlfriends (including the Date's wife...if she will come around which we the rest of the ladies think she is going to soon. If not, the once every few months date night with "The Date" is all I need as far as companionship of a friend who also enjoys going to theater and live music. We have caught some great concerts this year: Ani DiFranco, Shawn Colvin...
a few other amazing artists I don't recall the names of - Folkies...

I had to reiterate to the dude I have been seeing ( I just wrote "WAS"...hmmm...freudian slip there...??WAS as in past tense??)

I had to re-iterate that while I enjoy a date night with him once a week or so, that I really value my space and time and privacy during the week.

So this was a FABULOUS WEEK! It started out with reciving flowers at work. They were LOVELY ones that are not innundated with roses that smell of chemical treatment and stinky baby's breath, but rather a more simple yet pretty arrangement that I liked far MORE than the dozen red roses which made me cringe when I received those.

It was just like when I got my FIRST dozen roses after one date way back in HS... I still recall that boy a few years older than me... goodness... He too is now an engineer... and it was downright creepy to me to be sent a dozen roses at 16 after one dinner date.

Thankfully I think it was the ONE TIME my brothers didn't mercilessly tease about a date. There was really no help needed in making the guy uncomfortable and awkward as he naturally was so, so therefore I think my brothers left him and even the topic of him completely alone as the pardigm of my brothers doing something over the top bizzare to test the waters and tease the date
just doesn't work when its been flipped upside down by THE GUY doing something so shockingly unexpected.

NOw I laugh as I write this (and think it) at how sending a dozen roses after one date comes across to me as so CREEPY...

Yet I wonder if only creepy when it is unrequited love/desire/lust...whatever/whichever of the giver, and the receiver has no emotions or attachment or even really an OPINION YET of the dude who the receiver DOESN'T YET KNOW IN THE LEAST;

Yet that SAME Action by a MAN whom the RECEIVE has that immediate attracton/visceral lust (whether consious of it or not!)/ falling in love biochemical brain activity/ interest/ excitement etc...would not be AT ALL CREEPY but the MOST WONDERFUL thing in the world from a sexy, mysterious, intriguing, hot,desirable, available and interested man.


I am trying to imagine if it would make my heart skip a beat if someone sent me flowers after only a first (or maybe second) date. I mean ROSES....

And you know, I think my now EX Boyfriend Air Traffic Controller did so.

He was a FABULOUS boyfriend! He did send me flowers WEEKLY for months! Really!
He even gave me a card EVERY WEEK for something like the first 25 weeks of our relationship.

I don't know if I threw them out or if I packed them up to read when I get old...I think however I tossed them.

I am not really the sentimental type.

But there is ONE thing I DO MISS. One thing I have been feeling SENTIMENTAL and nostalgic about:

I am missing WRITING.

I am in a selfish phase of loving myself right now.

I DO NOT WANT A RELATIONSHIP with anyone who can not undertand and allow that healing space I need for me.

I realized that I did become unraveled a bit and I realize that I never again want to NOT BE COMFORTABLE being ALONE.

The healing of that feeling unraveled when alone is something that is a process that I have to undergo myself.

Yes, We all get by with a little help from our friends;but sometimes we all also need to allow ourselves the peace and time alone in which our own self discovery and creativity can thrive.

Its a funny thing I realized recently-

I think people often SUBCONSIOULY look to others and identify traits within themselves thatthey are not yet AWARE ofor readyto take ownserfhip of and responsibilty for- and then PRJECT those issues onto OTHERS in their world.
For Example:

A fellow who is chronically late all the time is the HARSHEST critic of anyone who is late.

A person who cheats in a relationship often is the one who will have FEAR that their partner is not faithful!

This projection of ones own areas of need for growth often happens as the vehicle in which one can handle and at some level be aware of the issue and accept at minimum that this is a value/goal of importance.

I think back of all the reasons I choose NOT to be in relationship with the men who entered my life over the past few years as friends who wanted to be romantically involved with me,or were to some extent and then proposed and I said no and the relationship ended; and the remarkable thing is that I cannow look back and see that the reasons I gave MYSELF for not wanting the relationship were not TRULY accurate,as in hindsight there is a more honest understanding that the reeasons I attrtibuted to the man in my life really were very accurately issues that related to ME.

The one that came to mind was how I did not want to be involved with ART as I didn't want to thwart his creativity and felt he NEEDED to be alone to be completely self absorbed and consumed by his art to thrive and create to his maximuim potential.

In looking back, I realize that is what I want FOR ME.

I don't want to be someone's muse. I want to be the artist.

Whether the art is words or threads or colors all woven together;I want to create and discover hidden potential inside myself.

If I find a realtionship in which I feel that comfort level of having that space to thrive that would be optimal;however short of that-at this juncture I am enjoying this time alone as since I don't have my time and attention devoted to the children tothe extent before, I am cherishing this phase of personal growth.

It is also hard after having experienced even one relationship in which individual growh was thwarted and discouraged and in which one felt like there was an attempt to destroy her very core of self, to then feel confident that any self development can happen while in relationship with others.

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