2010-11-03 - 11:19 p.m.

Perhaps I took it a little too personally when the one morning a week that my kids are with me I got an e-mail telling me how one has been a delight EXCEPT for some reason "Today she just would not listen"... etc.... and then the question "Did you give her her medicine today?" which I found highly insulting. I mean the teacher will ignore me and chat with the Ex when I walk in the school and pretend I am not even there and then the only communication I get is negative and assuming the worst of me as a parent.
Its just the one thing that really does make me get angry. ( A little healthy transference can be good eh... HA HA. So maybe its good this teacher who thinks the world of the Ex is in my life...so I can direct all that pent up anger of being de-valued by him onto her in the present moment!)

Seriously however , when I walked into the school one morn I started to talk to the receptionist and she said "Wait" and RAN out the door after my ex calling "Mr. WESTLEY... Mr. WESTLEY..." to tell him of something one of the girls needed. They have conversations in front of me not including me and it is overtly toxic, rude and just amazing to me.

But when I address it unfortunately I don't think that makes it any better as no matter how polite I TRY to be I end up being the one they see as "hysterical" I suppose. * Maybe telling her "This is how you make me feel" and then jumping up and down , waving my arms in the air and exclaiming "HELLO I AM A PARENT HERE TOO. CAN YOU SEE ME???"
was not in fact the most diplomatic response. * I however did find it to be EFFECTIVE and also rather funny and I always think humor is a positive!
I then calmly said " Please be aware that you can ask me to take care of any responsibilities for the girls and I will be delighted to do so as always, and furthermore when you ignore my presence and run into the parking lot to get the other parent who is NOT here in the moment it really gives me a message that you are not respecting me as a parent at all. I really would appreciate conscious courtesy."

Back to how I have been: good, but for the moments of panic and fear of being hacked, or stalked, or moments of insomnia--which only happen a few times a week (LOL!But true...)
Its hard not to have such moments when things like weird phone messages are received that say in a voice not completely non- threatening ,although it SOUNDS like it is call from a call center soliciting funds and a conversation cause the person doesn't know they are on a voice mail: " Altoids...the cinnamon kind... peppermint is strong... five will kill you.. I like chocolate... you WANT a work related injury "

I came home to hear not the mention of Altoids but a threatening phone call under disguise. I did make a copy and fill out a police report with a cop who looked at ME like I was a bit crazy.

But come on : If you had four little ones home and came home to hear "...Five...Will Kill you...you WANT a work related injury" on YOUR PHONE it just might make YOU a little paranoid too.

I gave the cop a copy of "Amy's story" and said
"I know you mean well, and I know you can't do anything;and I understand your burden as until a woman is six feel under there really never IS ANY EVIDENCE and you are stuck in a sytstem that is the best it can be but imperfect because THERE ARE BRILLIANT PSYCOS who can manipulate it- but here a little gift from me to you: Watch it- I don't want to as I have lived it-- all but my ending was different so far as I LEFT and I understand more than I think ANYONE EVER SHOULD about domestic violence-- and you know I can't BLAME you or anyone else WHO JUST DOESN'T GET IT-- as frankly I DON't think NORMAL PEOPLE SHOULD BE ABLE TO UNDERSTAND THIS PHENOMENA. I AM SORRY I HAVE HAD THE EXPERIENCES SUCH THAT I DO. Perhaps you, or someone here WILL watch this and find it helpful in some way."

Alot of women are thought to be crazy and mentally ill, until AFTER they are six feet under...

Then the world wants to know "What could we have done differently? What could we have paid attention or responded to?"

And its sad that only AFTER a death do many woman's stories then become of interest on PBS while someone watches in the safety of their living room with soda and popcorn or chips...

But AMY works with them, works with YOU , is in your CHURCH, or your SCHOOL, or is your kid's Busdriver;or TEACHER; or the PREACHER'S WIFE; or is YOUR SISTER-IN LAW or your old friend you just don't hear from anymore...

And you may not have ever recognized AMY.

I much would prefer to never have anyone hear my story as it is quiet and not unusual and BORING in its peaceful conclusion of a simple,quiet life rather than a victim known for infamous tragedy...

But that is my fear.
That someday I will be known, not because of who I am and what I have achieved, but of who I am NOT and what I can no longer achieve because of a person's desire to destroy.

I live with that lingering fear which comes and goes. It is hard not to have that fear when I get what I think is a spoofed phone call, and have repeated issues with weird things happening somewhat regularly. The # of times I have strange things happen that make my life difficult (like recently the Tax payment that I sent to the IRS for benefit of my nanny WAS NOT ACCOUNTED for....now come on, that happened LAST year with my VA STATE Employment taxes TWICE; When buying a house the realtor was told the IRS could not FIND My tax return ; then the day after I received an e-mail that I needed my license in order to close on the house due to "Patriot Act" laws, it disappeared. I was able to close that week as I had a passport that was accepted in lieu of that drivers license. However the missing ID seemed to me a bit more than coincidence which made me feel my communication is not secure. The license showed up a month later AT WORK in a computer bag that I NEVER TOOK OUT OF WORK as until then I never would remote in from home as I didn't trust doing so. I only worked from the office as I didn't feel secure elsewhere.

(Hey one bit of silver lining: as things have since happened that make me rather sure work is NOT secure I am now no longer terrified to remote in as I feel that doesn't make a bit of difference in protecting my security and the security of my work and files-- so I DO enjoy the greater FREEDOM of now being comfortable at times working from home! I NEVER would do that for the prior two years!)

Found a key stroke program on my work computer just three weeks ago (it had been there for two months before I detected it.)

Got a phone call early THIS Week with a message to call someone about a Professional Directory for the Cambridge Who's Who of Professional Women with a 516 # left on my voice mail*that is LI, NY ; however the origination # of the call was actually my OFFICE LOCATION! The number showed up on caller ID as a call origninating in the very building I was working in. I called security as I thought it was a VOIP spoof call and I was being messed with.

Came home one day last week to find what I am rather sure is my old post office box key in my NEW mailbox here in . Pocohontas said she spoke to the mail person who said she did not put it there. I then made myself feel better CONVINCING Myself that it WAS put there and it REALLY is innocuous and was a key a postal worker put there that goes to an adjacent LARGER box which packages are left in. So I put the key in that lock and it went in and I could sleep that night thinking that my recognition of the numbers on the key was my imagination and it is NOT the one that "disappeared" from me two years ago. I slept well...for a few nights, until I realized that darn key is STILL STUCK in that lock of the box for packages as it is not THAT key and while it went in is not coming out.
I am the only one who has a key to my mailbox, however the first week here it DID disappear from the drawer it was in and then reappeared. So there COULD be a copy.

And I did make spare keys for Pocohontas and my oldest two kids,and Pocohontas' teenage daughter for this house and between all of us teenagers and adults we have more ADHD than likely in an Average Psychiatrist's waiting room... so the possibility of a key being lost is high, but the possibility of a key being lifted undetected in my mind is EQUALLY high at this point.

At work there is a ridiculous amoutn of times that something goes wrong with my computer system that makes it harder to get my job done.Could be company driven monitoring..and security checks it out when I have a concern.
But regardless it does make it hard to NOT be paranoid at work.

I have this habit when things happen that I think are DIRECT interference of writing DIRECTLY to the interferer:

I ALWAYS do so with the assumption that it is hacking from the company itself ( I suppose as that makes me FEEL BETTER!)
I presume I am being "tested". I just Can't believe I am REALLY being hacked and REALLY in danger.

And maybe it is just PTSD when there is a computer glitch and I suddenly have a BOOKMARK that I rely on to get to our computer depository STOP WORKING.
That was today's experience. I had TWO contracts to release and needed to just confirm one thing FOR EACH by looking at the contract depository but was blocked from accessing it. I did get to the site LATER ... as the web url worked (but not my bookmark I use every day and had used earlier that day. I had to look up the site... and there USED to be a BUTTON for that site on a web page that I swear just WAS NOT THERE...)

Crap like this happens ALL THE TIME. The little image for "Accept changes" and the words for that when I am editing turn GREY and can not successfully be engaged. So I make redlines and then the contract gets STUCK with me not being able to accept the changed and create a clean document.

The "balloons" or Customer feedback and comments have disappeared on occasion - but only on deals when I WAS THE LEGAL POC and happened to be the only one there working to finalize and release the contract.

I called one of the attorneys to witness that glitch and he attested it WAS NOT ME but there was some really funky weirdness on my computer. That time there was ALSO that weird grey visual appearance of the option one usually can click for "Show balloons" which could not be depressed and engaged for me to choose the option of showing the redlines and comments from the Customer.

Today I ALSO got an inquiry on a deal and then saw an e-mail that I picked up the deal Friday at 12:45 pm. The Weird thing is that I had NO RECOLLECTION nor indication of having sent that e-mail to pick up that deal. IT made me panic and in the moment think I was being hacked to make it LOOK like I sent an e-mail but didnt'! ( Likely because I had to FAST TODAY for a medical screening which was offered at work! If I don't get enough sleep and don't eat then the PTSD kicks in terribly!) Seriously, it is likely I just forgot that e-mail and forgot I picked up the deal. However in the state of not having eaten, that e-mail sent me in to paranoia today. I thought I was being set up TO FAIL; as if an e-mail went out ostensibly from ME saying I would draft a contract but I DIDN'T KNOW ABOUT IT- then I would not have followed through in delivering! I was perplexed and in the moment convinced I was hacked as I had evidence of e-mails back and forth between an attorney I was working with and then a saved final copy with revisions to ANOTHER Contract between 12 noon and 1pm. I RECALLED working on the other account. So I WOULD NOT have picked up a NEW deal at the time of the ostensible e-mail sent by me. It just doesn't make sense that at 12:28pm I would have done so. Particualarlly as I was goingn NUTS NOT HAVING ANYTHING NEW TO WORK ON between 1 and 3pm! I was respecting my boss' directive to discuss our queue and let her assign deals. ( She started that in June which was great as that was right before the custody battle when I was really unraveling. She wanted to slow my pace and lessen my load and instructed me to work ONE ACCOUNT CONTRACT AT A TIME UNTIL COMPLETION before picking another up. I had been working 4or 5 at a time, juggling and going from one to the other (as we often have issues to vet and resolve and information I am waiting on in order to draft-- so while waiting I pick up and work on something new.) Now the thing is that on Friday My boss was occupied so I had FINISHED a deal at 1pm sharp and was IDLE for THREE HOURS as she has this new processs with me of micromanaging what I work. I saw the evidence of me being busy with somethign else when the e-mail in question was sent, and then no follow up of working on that deal that afteroon, and then I even sent my Boss an e-mail saying I would like to be able to go back to picking up WHATEVER is next in queue so I don't have idle time (as our queue is SO PACKED and we are down a contract manager and an attorney in our group just now.) Furthermore the other attorney that was on the e-mail as the other legal staff I was to work with on the deal in question did not recall that deal being picked up last Friday either. So for BOTH Of us to be completely UNAWARE and have NO RECOLLECTION makes it seem suspicious to me. Maybe I really DID Just forget; but I also think it possible that a good hacker could get control of e-mail. Furthermore there were times in the past few months when our legal administrator asked if I had remoted in as she said she saw me on line earlier. The answer was NO as I was not on line earlier. One time I came in to the office and she said I was appearing on line THEN but I had not logged on yet. So the fact that happened 2X in the past few months makes me feel concerned about being hacked at work. And then I get even MORE paranoid about the SECURITY of my job being stable. I worry that if I am being hacked they might want to let me go as it is not worth the security risk to have a legal staff who is being hacked (even if the hacking is not work related but merely to harass me.) I can't help but worry WHYhas there been a pull back of me working as many deals as I used to and why the pull back of not allowing me to pick up any kind of deal but limiting me to a few specific service offerings? Is it because they FOUND evidence of relentless hacking and are worried about security of what I work on? Is it because with my ADHD and PTSD that sometimes kicks in so I have terrible BRAIN FOG and memory impairment and forget BASICS that I once knew?Can it be that I really do have inconsistent CRAPPY work product and miss too many details? Am I meeting the standard and expectations of my job? I do even have some days where I can't even recall a COMMON WORD-- and the Brain trama from intense fear is almost like a stroke patient or one with Altzheimers as words one knows that are FAMILIAR and basic and in normal usage are even forgotten at times.
I just am NOT SURE if my work product and preformance and amount of deliverables is any GOOD or NOT ... in part as I am very paranoid and in part because there are times when I honestly just can not function and get the work done. But on those days I am so stubborn I wait it out and keep trying and REFUSE to leave until I DO hit the point where I can accomplish something.Maybe that is crazy too; but one day my mental acuity was so poor it took me about 10 hours to accomplish a simple task that I normally achieve in two or three. I refused to go home until I achieved SOMETHING productive that day. I don't care if I have to work 10-12 hour days to achive what I normally can get done in 7 or 8 . On days that I am not feeling well I will put in the time and consistently work and no matter HOW SLOW or HOW LONG it takes I WILL GET IT DONE. That day I had to keep looking up EVERYTHING as I had such severe memory impairment. I couldn't look at a phrase and retain it flipping from one screen to another or retain numbers for even a few moments. So it took all day to get it done...but I did get it done and done well EVENTUALLY. Thankfully that was definately THE WORST day at work EVER (as far as functioning; and if that only happens once in a while I am confident I AM still able to preform my job well. Seriously however I feel like there is this THWARTING Of my success which makes me work all the harder to try to do a good job. Then I have this panic and compulsion to do the best I can which is almost obsessive... ok, forget the almost...

I HAVE been doing what I think is a DAMN GOOD JOB as I am absolutely TERRIFIED to not do a good job when I hyperfocus. Only problem is that I still feel like I don't get work done as quickly as I should be able to.

I am struggling most with workaholism and hyperfocus while in this panic state.

I worked until 7pm last night; then stayed at the office until 2:30 AM working on my finances and budget and bills.

Then I got a speeding ticket on the ride home...

Sheesh...

OK so I suppose this is "pressured writing" ( HA HA)

I AM DOING WELL OVERALL HOWEVER; while managing a bit of PTSD, idiopathic hyposomnia (diagnosed and under treatment. That is excessive daytime sleepiness similar to narcolepsy which I have experienced my whole life that I can recall); ADHD;asthma that has flared up; an earache that won't go away but shows no sign of infection; and perhaps some bi-polar as well thrown in the mix....(although I still do not accept any depression as a possibility in me and have never been diagnosed)

Now for the GOOD NEWS !

Its NATIONAL NOVEL WRITING MONTH!

Two of my girls started theirs tonight and wrote for an hour. Pocohontas is off traveling this whole month in her gypsy, free spirited fashion as she is out of her nanny job, saved some money, so hitched a ride to FL where she is catching a flight from Miami to Central America with her backpack and hostel addresses. Her daughter seems excited about the possibility of writing "Travels with Pocohontas" as her novel this month. Its the story of growing up with an incredibly AMAZING , quirky, fun, even if undiagnosed Bi-Polar mother who sent her off to a high class VT boarding school for High School , found a "nanny" for her and then hitchhiked back and forth to and from VA and VT for two full years every three weeks in order to offer her daughter stability she feared she could not provide without her own home and the only job that of working as a care provider for four little girls for a woman living in the shadow of a dark cloud of the recent storm of family violence looming with only a protective order consistently ignored that the wind blew inside out as an umbrella taken hold of by such gusto and force that it doesn't even matter if the rain or sleet or hail ever even falls,there is still cold smarting of the skin left exposed and raw to the harsh elements regardless of what they are. But that is Pocohontas' story, and her daughter's to write- how she would rather face the elements and walk on with faith and dignity that she will get where she needs to be than be a sitting target exposed with the feeble mirage of safety.

OK that last paragraph fell a little short...analogy didn't quite work- done now with the rambling.

Have a great day or night.... I am really off to bed for a change.

OH, And I did think it was fun to dress up as Pocohontas for Halloween! The girls and I and friends had more fun getting ready than anything! We enjoyed a party at the friend's winery Sat afternoon where the kids had mad fun; and then Sunday after neighbor Cowboy (that's what I will call Him! Now he has a knickname...he did dress as a Cowboy for Halloween; actually he was intending to be John Smith however the costume was more Cowboy and less British settler); as I was saying, after neighbor Cowboy kindly stained my porch while I pruned the bushes to please our very zealous homeowners association, then the kids all enjoyed a half hour of trick or treating.

To be honest I don't mind a very zealoud homeowners association. I bet there are a lot of wives and husbands out there who WISH they had the clout and authority to give their spouse the kick in the butt of motivation to get the "Honey DO" list done! If ONLY they had the clout of threatening to bring one to court if that porch is not painted, and shrubs are not pruned in 30 days when IT IS INSPECTION TIME!

Can't say I can complain about the catalyst for getting house chores done. But DARN, my letter didn't also include the directive "PUT SPRING BULBS IN GROUND TWO WEEKS BEFORE THE FIRST FROST"

Those lovely bags of bulbs are still sitting in my refrigerator.

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