2010-11-03 - 11:19 p.m.
Perhaps I took it a little too personally when the one morning a week that my kids are with me I got an e-mail telling me how one has been a delight EXCEPT for some reason "Today she just would not listen"... etc.... and then the question "Did you give her her medicine today?" which I found highly insulting. I mean the teacher will ignore me and chat with the Ex when I walk in the school and pretend I am not even there and then the only communication I get is negative and assuming the worst of me as a parent.
Seriously however , when I walked into the school one morn I started to talk to the receptionist and she said "Wait" and RAN out the door after my ex calling "Mr. WESTLEY... Mr. WESTLEY..." to tell him of something one of the girls needed. They have conversations in front of me not including me and it is overtly toxic, rude and just amazing to me.
But when I address it unfortunately I don't think that makes it any better as no matter how polite I TRY to be I end up being the one they see as "hysterical" I suppose. * Maybe telling her "This is how you make me feel" and then jumping up and down , waving my arms in the air and exclaiming "HELLO I AM A PARENT HERE TOO. CAN YOU SEE ME???"
Back to how I have been: good, but for the moments of panic and fear of being hacked, or stalked, or moments of insomnia--which only happen a few times a week (LOL!But true...)
I came home to hear not the mention of Altoids but a threatening phone call under disguise. I did make a copy and fill out a police report with a cop who looked at ME like I was a bit crazy.
But come on : If you had four little ones home and came home to hear "...Five...Will Kill you...you WANT a work related injury" on YOUR PHONE it just might make YOU a little paranoid too.
I gave the cop a copy of "Amy's story" and said
Alot of women are thought to be crazy and mentally ill, until AFTER they are six feet under...
Then the world wants to know "What could we have done differently? What could we have paid attention or responded to?"
And its sad that only AFTER a death do many woman's stories then become of interest on PBS while someone watches in the safety of their living room with soda and popcorn or chips...
But AMY works with them, works with YOU , is in your CHURCH, or your SCHOOL, or is your kid's Busdriver;or TEACHER; or the PREACHER'S WIFE; or is YOUR SISTER-IN LAW or your old friend you just don't hear from anymore...
And you may not have ever recognized AMY.
I much would prefer to never have anyone hear my story as it is quiet and not unusual and BORING in its peaceful conclusion of a simple,quiet life rather than a victim known for infamous tragedy...
But that is my fear.
(Hey one bit of silver lining: as things have since happened that make me rather sure work is NOT secure I am now no longer terrified to remote in as I feel that doesn't make a bit of difference in protecting my security and the security of my work and files-- so I DO enjoy the greater FREEDOM of now being comfortable at times working from home! I NEVER would do that for the prior two years!)
Found a key stroke program on my work computer just three weeks ago (it had been there for two months before I detected it.)
Got a phone call early THIS Week with a message to call someone about a Professional Directory for the Cambridge Who's Who of Professional Women with a 516 # left on my voice mail*that is LI, NY ; however the origination # of the call was actually my OFFICE LOCATION! The number showed up on caller ID as a call origninating in the very building I was working in. I called security as I thought it was a VOIP spoof call and I was being messed with.
Came home one day last week to find what I am rather sure is my old post office box key in my NEW mailbox here in . Pocohontas said she spoke to the mail person who said she did not put it there. I then made myself feel better CONVINCING Myself that it WAS put there and it REALLY is innocuous and was a key a postal worker put there that goes to an adjacent LARGER box which packages are left in. So I put the key in that lock and it went in and I could sleep that night thinking that my recognition of the numbers on the key was my imagination and it is NOT the one that "disappeared" from me two years ago. I slept well...for a few nights, until I realized that darn key is STILL STUCK in that lock of the box for packages as it is not THAT key and while it went in is not coming out.
And I did make spare keys for Pocohontas and my oldest two kids,and Pocohontas' teenage daughter for this house and between all of us teenagers and adults we have more ADHD than likely in an Average Psychiatrist's waiting room... so the possibility of a key being lost is high, but the possibility of a key being lifted undetected in my mind is EQUALLY high at this point.
At work there is a ridiculous amoutn of times that something goes wrong with my computer system that makes it harder to get my job done.Could be company driven monitoring..and security checks it out when I have a concern.
I have this habit when things happen that I think are DIRECT interference of writing DIRECTLY to the interferer:
I ALWAYS do so with the assumption that it is hacking from the company itself ( I suppose as that makes me FEEL BETTER!)
And maybe it is just PTSD when there is a computer glitch and I suddenly have a BOOKMARK that I rely on to get to our computer depository STOP WORKING.
Crap like this happens ALL THE TIME. The little image for "Accept changes" and the words for that when I am editing turn GREY and can not successfully be engaged. So I make redlines and then the contract gets STUCK with me not being able to accept the changed and create a clean document.
The "balloons" or Customer feedback and comments have disappeared on occasion - but only on deals when I WAS THE LEGAL POC and happened to be the only one there working to finalize and release the contract.
I called one of the attorneys to witness that glitch and he attested it WAS NOT ME but there was some really funky weirdness on my computer. That time there was ALSO that weird grey visual appearance of the option one usually can click for "Show balloons" which could not be depressed and engaged for me to choose the option of showing the redlines and comments from the Customer.
I HAVE been doing what I think is a DAMN GOOD JOB as I am absolutely TERRIFIED to not do a good job when I hyperfocus. Only problem is that I still feel like I don't get work done as quickly as I should be able to.
I am struggling most with workaholism and hyperfocus while in this panic state.
I worked until 7pm last night; then stayed at the office until 2:30 AM working on my finances and budget and bills.
Then I got a speeding ticket on the ride home...
OK so I suppose this is "pressured writing" ( HA HA)
I AM DOING WELL OVERALL HOWEVER; while managing a bit of PTSD, idiopathic hyposomnia (diagnosed and under treatment. That is excessive daytime sleepiness similar to narcolepsy which I have experienced my whole life that I can recall); ADHD;asthma that has flared up; an earache that won't go away but shows no sign of infection; and perhaps some bi-polar as well thrown in the mix....(although I still do not accept any depression as a possibility in me and have never been diagnosed)
Now for the GOOD NEWS !
Its NATIONAL NOVEL WRITING MONTH!
Two of my girls started theirs tonight and wrote for an hour. Pocohontas is off traveling this whole month in her gypsy, free spirited fashion as she is out of her nanny job, saved some money, so hitched a ride to FL where she is catching a flight from Miami to Central America with her backpack and hostel addresses. Her daughter seems excited about the possibility of writing "Travels with Pocohontas" as her novel this month. Its the story of growing up with an incredibly AMAZING , quirky, fun, even if undiagnosed Bi-Polar mother who sent her off to a high class VT boarding school for High School , found a "nanny" for her and then hitchhiked back and forth to and from VA and VT for two full years every three weeks in order to offer her daughter stability she feared she could not provide without her own home and the only job that of working as a care provider for four little girls for a woman living in the shadow of a dark cloud of the recent storm of family violence looming with only a protective order consistently ignored that the wind blew inside out as an umbrella taken hold of by such gusto and force that it doesn't even matter if the rain or sleet or hail ever even falls,there is still cold smarting of the skin left exposed and raw to the harsh elements regardless of what they are. But that is Pocohontas' story, and her daughter's to write- how she would rather face the elements and walk on with faith and dignity that she will get where she needs to be than be a sitting target exposed with the feeble mirage of safety.
Have a great day or night.... I am really off to bed for a change.
OH, And I did think it was fun to dress up as Pocohontas for Halloween! The girls and I and friends had more fun getting ready than anything! We enjoyed a party at the friend's winery Sat afternoon where the kids had mad fun; and then Sunday after neighbor Cowboy (that's what I will call Him! Now he has a knickname...he did dress as a Cowboy for Halloween; actually he was intending to be John Smith however the costume was more Cowboy and less British settler); as I was saying, after neighbor Cowboy kindly stained my porch while I pruned the bushes to please our very zealous homeowners association, then the kids all enjoyed a half hour of trick or treating.
To be honest I don't mind a very zealoud homeowners association. I bet there are a lot of wives and husbands out there who WISH they had the clout and authority to give their spouse the kick in the butt of motivation to get the "Honey DO" list done! If ONLY they had the clout of threatening to bring one to court if that porch is not painted, and shrubs are not pruned in 30 days when IT IS INSPECTION TIME!
Can't say I can complain about the catalyst for getting house chores done. But DARN, my letter didn't also include the directive "PUT SPRING BULBS IN GROUND TWO WEEKS BEFORE THE FIRST FROST"
Those lovely bags of bulbs are still sitting in my refrigerator.