2010-12-19 - 11:14 p.m.
E-mail started to write then I thought I really just need to journal and vent a little for ME in response to a call from Art being received with "I am in the middle of something now"
Hi , I suppose you are busy and in the middle of something which is the same thing you said the last time I caught you on the phone.
Since you then ended the short call with what sounded like a sincere "If I don't talk to you have a WONDERFUL Holiday." it was very clear that was your final sweet way of saying goodbye and letting me know rather clearly you are not going to call me back, not now, not ever.
For a long time you didn't have my number. It changed and I didn't give it to you. For a while you didn't know where I lived. I knew that space and distance and I thought time was needed for both of us to navigate this friendship. But I thought it was temporary and I didn't think it was mean of me to not spend time with you that Sunday afternoon when you did stop by after months and months, and when you did call later saying you would be in town.
You still sounded heartbroken when I said I was busy then.
I was enjoying time with my girls, and it was heartbreking when you had run into us and they didn't remember you at all. You who used to come over so lovingly and cook for us and help match socks and who was a bright companion and friend when I was overwealmed and really needed one.
Only a true friend comes over just to help when matching socks and folding laundry and chat.
I understand you don't want to invest time in a friendship and set yourself up to be hurt-- and I can't blame you.
But darn I miss our friendship. I was so angry at MY EX for giving me that ultimatum when I was seeing him.. ( That if I wanted to date him I would have to choose to not spend time with you)
And then mad at myself for having accepted that. I should have stopped dating him if he wasn't going to be trusting and accept my friends.
Darn I miss you.
I really do...
But I know its not fair to hope to have you as my best friend still (because I felt like you WERE the best friend to me for a long time) and then for you to fall in love and for me to reject that and EXPECT that you could just go on being my best friend.
I know that doesn't work that way.
And when the EX Boyfriend called me expecting me to to joyfully be able to be friends with him after just a month or so I basically flipped out in anger at him and said "HOW DARE YOU!"
and felt like he was so self centered and selfish that he could not understand how painful that break up was to me and how for him to flippantly expect me to be over it and able to be friends easily is not something I can do or WANT to do as I don't want to put myself through the pain of that.
Art I am so sorry.
I don't think I ever said that to you and I think you deserve to hear it.
Not sorry because you fell in love with me and I didn't fall in love with you;
But even more painful then that, becuse I DID fall in love with you and STILL chose not to have a relationship with you.
I am not sorry for that choice as I know it was the right one, but sorry for the pain it caused you.
I am just saddened that I miss our friendship and sad from the simple fact that it is not possible to have that friendship as it was. Part of the normal cycle of a relationshio- but still missing you and that best friend that I thought I would have for life.
I really did think you were a soul mate whom I would have in my life forever; but not as a lover or life partner as you hoped- but as a dear friend.
Why not the other?
Simply because I feel like WE ARE TOO SIMILAR and I think we each NEED someone with different gifts to provide balance in our lives.
Honest to God, I think if we were in relationship we would potentially both individually and collectively be two of the most impractical , flighty, creatively happy minds, yet we would not even together be able to keep anything stable as all the common sense we have would be lost in out manic energy and enthusisam and dreamers tendencys! I mean I NEED someone to balance me (sadly!) I ADMIDT that I am just TERRIBLE when alone- no matter how stubbornly I TRY To be at my best and healthy ALONE, the truth is I am not.(NO MAtter how much I muddle thorough... yet I stubborn won't enter a relationship for that stability either and VOW to be very emotionally stable BEFORE entering a relationship; which creates a quagmire for me!)
Yet, I belived our friendship could be support through our other relationships, through the phases of our lives, and I envisioned our creative collaborative work together and our motivational muse we each were for the other continuing in that wonderful way.
Heck, I LOVED watching you create
I LOVED modeling as you painted.
I LOVED your emotional support of me, and me of you as we both DID offer support to the other and each motivated the other to be better at being OURSELVES.I LOVED the bursts of poetry and joy that you brought to my life. I loved that I WROTE when comfortable and happy in those small moments that you helped facilitate in a time that was otherwise one full of the unknown and scary as the whole fabric of my life as I knew it had been torn.
I missed the creative process so much I then went on to work as a model saying to myself "It the artistic creation I miss. Its the supporting of the artist I miss."
So working professionally as a model was in a way my attempt to deny that I was missing YOU in the particular.
I tried to minimize how important our relationship was by trying to find the fullfillment of doing the things WE did together in other ways.
That's a funny technique of managing the pain of missing someone. It does work to a degree. I consiously take that which I loved DOING with the person in the relationship I had with them and then do those THINGS I loved MYSELF.
I therefore realize that I grow from EACH relationship in ways that end up as a part of who I am.
So while I miss Art, a part of him is with me. He is the friend who opened up the creative process in me and allowed me to be in that role of model which I have continued to embrace and so enjoy.
(I sat for a class not that long ago and need to look at the schedule again. Furthermore Katerina also sat and worked as a model at the art studio! In fact it was her FIRST PAID JOB and she was SO PROUD of her very first paycheck!! Being a portrait model is a rather cool first job!!)
Its interesting however how that grieving technique works for me. In letting go of the PERSON in the particular I embrace the THINGS we did together and the experiences then become a part of ME moreso than a memory of the person I miss; or the thing that I don't want to think of with pain.
In fact its really funny because now that I think about it, one of the things that was so beautiful and fun was going to Oatlands with Art where he then painted and participated in their annual art show. I didn't remember this until now - but Oatlands is one of my FAVORITE SPOTS here in VA. It is where I got married. In the invalidation of that vow, through violence and through the standing on a stand and uttering the lie of me having come here for a "taking" of his property, my husband inflicted such a painful wound that it was hard to think of Oatlands with joy.
It was hard to go there and not feel pain.
I resented the tarnishing of a place of beauty for me which I wanted to cherish. So for me it WORKED as now when I think of Oatlands I often think first of ARTs paintings and how beautiful it was to watch his process of creation and the art show experience and his work; and I sometimes think as an afterthought;
- "OH we got married there" as well
But it is often for me the MORE recent memory that comes to mind first.
So when I was nostalgic and drove by Piedmont winery yesterday and had vivid memories of time there with Art they were joyful and I picked up a bottle of the Merlot we had shared there, and I was so happy thinking of the times spent with him.
I really thought he might want to come over for dinner and to share that time wrapping presents over a glass of the Merlot.
But I got the same response as last time
"I'm in the middle of something now."
And I said "Call me when you are not busy if you want. I sent an e-mail but I didn't know if you didn't get it; or if you were not interested in calling at all- so I was so happy you picked up the phone"
Well it was sad as I think he picked up the phone as he didn't know who it was. I get the sad feeling he does not have called ID and had he known it was me he wouldn't have picked up as he is where I am with my Ex Boyfriend
I have NO DESIRE to have a friendship whatsoever.
I will not put myself in that position.
So it saddens me as I still miss my best friend . He was my best friend for a while.
He was there for me at the worst time.
And I don't think he felt apprechiated as no matter what I did to show that apprechiation, in the end, saying "NO " to the proposal and rejecting his love and offer of a life together is something that one has a hard time getting over and then being able to be friends.
I understand that. And of course he was wise when we were friends that he too WANTED to only be a supportive friend for a long time as HE KNEW I WASN'T NEAR READY for a relationship.
He got that. He knew it would take YEARS to heal.But within a year he found himself madly in love.
He understood as it took HIM years to get over his marriage which had ended something like 12 years prior.
And its funny as I realize just how much I miss Art as I talk about him alot.
I guess I never realized that, but I talk about memories of times with him and missing him MUCH MORE than times with my Ex Boyfriend.
But life goes on...