2011-01-11 - 9:18 p.m.

SNOW!! It is very pretty here right now. After I logged off and locked up my computer at work I commented to my co-worker "Darn I forgot to check the weather."

I then said, " I'll just leave the computer here. I am not bringing it home, I am sure I won't need it."

And then I left to see SNOW!

I had not realized it was snowing. I didn't want to take the extra 15 minutes to walk back to get my computer, and I thought that I don't mind driving in snow in my old Volvo which handles remarkably well as it is four wheel drive and designed for such weather.

I in fact don't look forward to giving up that car when passing it on! I hope by then to have reduced debt so I can sell the other vehicle and trade it in for an old Volvo.

I think Car Max will give me a decent amount for the Toyota Sienna as they have a good track record,and hopefully I can find another decent Volvo four wheel drive wagon as I love the way that car handles. Just a NEWER one and not the year I HAVE which has a terrible maintenance track record. (They did get better in recent years!)

But I digress (as usual).

The thing is my company is SO AWESOME about being flexible and allowing us to work remotely.

So I should have brought my computer home and worked in PJs tomorrow.

I do however plan on hitting the gym AND the shower! I have been boiling water for bathing for almost a month now as the water heater STILL hasn't been replaced. I mailed a check for the so called "non covered" amount (despite it being a "labor" charge which should have been covered). The plumber claimed to have not received it. Reality is the plumber will STILL lose money on this job! There are TWO jobs to be done- repair of a broken pipe leading outdoors (as a prior owner failed to shut off the valve come winter- so that froze I surmise.) That is the water line to the front yard so not a huge issue. It ostensibly ONE $100 deductible for both repairs to be done at the same time by the plumber they send. The plumber they sent comes from some town I never even heard of- which means it is likely at least an hour and a half south of here by my estimate! No wonder they are trying to get out of this job!

They have a haul to get here and they inurance company is not going to pay them enough to make it even worth their time. However after calling the insurance company, and having them call the plumber I did get a call to schedule the service yesterday afternoon. So they said "Lets try Thursday afternoon"

I couldn't help being sarcastic as I said as cheerily as possible "Yes do TRY to see if you can make it Thursday."

So between noon and 5pm they are going to "try to make it."

I shouldn't laugh as this is my home without a water heater- but I still can't see it any other way but humorously. I think the series of calls with the Customer Service people were rather funny.

Now the interesting thing for me is that I have the offer to go use the neighbor's shower at any time; yet in this whole now almost month long ordeal, I have only showered there one time. That was on Christmas Day when the kids and I all went over there to join them for their Christmas Dinner and exchange gifts. It WAS really lovely and I think he was ever so grateful as he was having his Ex Wife there with ALL her kids. Her daughter was home from the Navy this year (she has been out to sea the past few Christmases); and her son was there and the daughter they share. For the sake of the daughter they share together, they navigate holidays together so she can share them with both parents.

The Ex wife is nice. I recalled having met her years ago at a Brownie function briefly. She is a nice person who is an alcoholic so its also nice that he has a good relationship with her and she still considers him her best friend comfortably. If she is having a really rough day and wants to aviod the temptation of a drink she will call and come by rather than being alone. Flip side of that is that around Thanksgiving she was hiding a bottle of liquor and he realized after some time that she was in the kitchen drinking as doing the dishes and she had come by that night as she knew the place she is currently staying has NO tolerence for that at all. He didn't want to say anything in front of their daughter so he held off and then claims he addressed it later- but to be honest I am not so sure he did. He definatly is the kindest man, but also so clearly one of those , albeit sweet, enabler personalitys.

I swear that is what bothers me most about this nice, nice man. I think of the Co-Dependency books that my college roommate got into in navigating the fact she grew up with not one but two alcoholic parents.

I just have such trouble respecting, yet I know that is the wrong word... its not a lack of RESPECT... just I guess having trouble TRUSTING someone with the obvious co-dependent personality.

For I know then the attraction TO ME is NOT A HEALTHY ONE. OK, know might be too strong of a word- I FEAR the attraction to me is not for my gifts and strengths but for the WRONG reasons.

While I am not an alcoholic- as drink very moderately on occassion (used to be rare, but more frequent simply as I have friend who are winery owners-- so my once every six months has picked up to once or twice a week); I Clearly DO Have some of the personality traits: I have the disorganization of ADHD, which is VERY similar to the alcoholic as far as responsibility is concerned. The lateness, the lack of being able to keep on a schedule...etc...
The impulsiveness at times. For me these somehow all play into the workaholic tendency as well. That is due to obsessively trying to make up for things like showing up to the office late; and being disorganized and therefore feeling inadequate. Workaholics tend to be the LEAST efficient and often NOT the most productive workers. They tend to often be the most anxious and often are not balanced. For years I had NOT had those habits as I overcame any tendency toward that. Yet I have fallen back into the workaholic cycle.

These are all traits that those with ADHD share with alcoholics- and I think also the SELFISHNESS.

Not necessarily of the narcissistic kind, but there is a self centerdness- not out of being so caught up in self due to a need for validation (and the constant need for attention of the narcissist), but out of this necessity due to life being hard to manage and being inherently disorganized which I think makes it hard to NOT have your needs be so front and center all the time.

I see an extreme NEEDINESS--- whether one is aware of it or not. At least that is what I FEEL like-- yet I have a fierce independence of not allowing others to take on my responsibilities.

That I think is the biggest thing I have a problem with in the relationship with this man my neighboer. He would take on ALL my responsibilities if I let him and to me that is NOT a healthy sign!

I mean- to me it is a sign of one who is seeking OTHERS to be fulfilled and who is looking for validation by doing things for me all the time.

But maybe I am just jaded... I don't really know.

I do know that when he was ready to loan me his new truck the FIRST DAY HE CAME HOME WITH IT as I misplaced my keys, I seriously thought the man must have a screw loose...

And I thought how IMPRESSED I was when my Ex boyfriend allowed me to borrow his truck. But that was his old truck, not a BRAND NEW ONE.

And its the expectations that I think go along with a relationship when a man is doing EVERYTHING for a woman and then makes certain assumptions. So I say no to ALOT of offers he has made to help me. I am not feeling the same as him and I am in no way going to mislead and pretend otherwise.

If I wanted I would have a new door by now, and a new water heater,.... etc.. etc... and the list goes on...

I really just don't get it. I don't get why guys feel so attracted to a needy woman. My one winery owner friend was thrilled to have the unasked for project of searching all the hardware stores and comparing prices for water heaters... Until he finally got it that "NO I am not going to call the insurance company and have them cut me a check and have you or anyone else have to help install the darn thing. THEY Are providing the water heater AND LABOR...and I will wait it out UNTIL THEY DO SO!"

I just don't WANT to be SAVED as the damsel in distress!

I wouldn't let on to the dude from work the ACTUAL vulerability and REALITY of my life ....

Hard to hide from the neighbor however.

OH and the neighbor is SO THRILLED he just got a kickin good new job! He started today after a head hunter recruited him. Turns out the project he will be managing just happens to be for... lo and behold...a company I know well... so he will have a vendor badge and can take me to lunch somewhat frequently so I have been just told.

Hmmm... that could make life a little more interesting.

Good thing my date from work only works on the campus EVERY OTHER WEEK for three days.

And good thing the neighbor was told as he was introduced to his new co-workers "You'll see him once or twice a month- as he'll be working primarily remotely"

YES!! The project is for MY company... and he too can work from PJs MOST of the time.

He also might not realize just what a BIG campus we are working at.

Tell you I am Ok with flowers being delivered at work once in a while. (Although truth be told when that first happened it DID make me cringe... I just thought "Oh no- he REALLY IS SMITTEN.." and feared breaking his heart...)

But if he showed up at my office cubicle I think I am going to feel stalked...

I in fact don't even KNOW where the cubicle of the man I am dating from work is- and he likewise most likely has no idea where mine is. That is a personal boundary one does NOT CROSS.

I mean... when I am at work... I HATE being interrupted.

Some dude I randomly met and chatted with when I left my badge home make the mistake of finding my cubicle one day. I am telling you, that just freaked me out.

If you WANT to ask a woman out at work that you run into elsewhere, please DO NOT just show up at her cubicle.

Today the NOC, security guru just happened to stroll by.... last thing I need... ok well, maybe it won't be a bad thing to have ANOTHER friend there,.... but I have a few aleady and I don't need another FAN hoping for anything more than a friendly hello once in a while. I made the mistake of a lengthy chat in the lunch room line.

Now the thing is, women and men interact SO differently.

Women talk an exponentially GREATER number of words than men in a day. NOw take the average woman and then cube that number of words and you might get close to the number I THINK in a day ( I have SOME self control).

So for me, when I enter a casual conversation it isn't necessarily as intimate or as much of a personal connection for me as it was for the quiet geeky engineer type that works with all guys in the operations center and doesn't see the light of day or a woman all that often..

( I tell those dudes they work in the hidden catecombs... as it feels like that...and joke about the social misfits there.. I joke that I fit right in with them as they are all a bit quirky.)

OK, real vent here is that for six months now I have been seeing this dude at work. Over the past six months I have enjoyed every time I go out with him- but the best part is that it has been so COMFORTABLE. We go out, I go to work and I focus and then out of the blue I am always surprised by his call asking if he can see me again. I am so living in the moment and never presume or worry about where it is going. Very much like the dating relationship with the Marine-- just was fabulous and comfortable and we both had such comfort in calling each other when we felt like it- but sometimes a week and a half or two might go by without talking and that is fine- or sometimes only hours..and that was fine too. (OK maybe never a full two weeks now that I think about it... I guess the Marine and I were in the habit of talkign every two or three days.)

Thing is, the past few weeks I have MISSED talking and seeing the work dude... DARN.. I WANT to see him more and talk with him more. That just so stinks.... it was so nice just as it was! I hate wanting more...

I don't like that feeling... especially when I don't REALLY want a RELATIONSHIP at this point-- so I shoudn't be wishing HE could come to Buffalo to see Soren on stage and hear Katerina sing. Its funny however that when I think of things I want to share from my world... much of what comes to mind is BUFFALO related.

Oh and I know EXACTLY what it was that pulled at the emotional heart strings and cut through the protective veneer..

He played the right damn music.

DAMN

Now my memory is so darn bad that I don't even recall the name of the artist. But the artist just happened to be of the 70s funk jazz era and there was a jembe in the background... and of all things ...a cheesy lyric I think about the GHETTO...

and I swear the music sounded like ABUNDANCE.. and PAPA playing drums, and the singer sounded like him...

and the tunes from this album reminded me of Sat nights at Neitzches , and the influence of that era was then SO CLEARLY present in the music of those Buffalo boys of the Evan's brothers, and their current Soul Live that I listen to at work when the office is empty..

and to top it off, this man, although he says he is not a very good singer-- CAN SING...
and I loved listening as he sang along comfortably and happily.

Whew... In any case, he called me tonght around 5:30 pm and I said "THANK YOU FOR CALLING! I WILL STOP WORK NOW"

and then he laughed and said he called me to remind me to get a life...

OK,so yes he is being a support and helping break the workaholic tendency... and yes he also must be an enabler as he will date me EVEN THOUGH I get lost, or get caught up and lose track of time and even when I said I was going to leave at 5 pm sharp he KNEW not to expect me at the restaraunt until 6:30 pm...

It really is just SO TERRIBLE of late.... I mean its not that I am not that into the dude- I AM -- I am just SO BROKEN and so struggling with the intense hyperfocus and getting caught up in the project and losing track of time.

I know it's escaping through work as its been terrible and WORSE since Sept- so I know I am adjusting to this custody shift still.

It will pass I am sure, but I am just wondering WHEN ALREADY???

I mean my mental health was affected when the relationship with my Ex boyfriend unravelled. I realized then that all the PTSD fears started kicking in and it was hard to be alone.

But then for it to get worse rather than better as time went on was NOT something I anticipated. I realize now that I haven't felt secure since I left that relationship and that for some reason I DID Fall in love with him and I DID feel secure and I DID feel SAFE and PROTECTED.

But now Its that much harder to trust anyone at all.

I could trust the Marine as I have known him for 20 years and he was so honest with me, and there was no denial of the fact he did not want a serious relationship. But then to lose that communication and support from him when he was hurt and healing has been a challenge for me. I have been trying to be HIS supportive friend at this juncture and hope that I have done enough and all I could for him.

I mean the trama of the accident of the Marine- and the loss of that support at the time of the custody battle was really hard. I was blessed to have new friends come into my life just then.

I am happy to have my law school friend to stay with so it will be nice to see her and her family when in Buffalo on my upcoming visit.

It will be good to get away.

I am off to bed as the worst part is that I feel like its been years since I have had ONE DECENT WEEK where I consistenly can get a good night sleep.
Tonight it is earlier than I have been heading to bed.

I am going to make a serious effort to get myself back on an early to bed; early to rise schedule. I seriously need to continue at this juncture to focus on taking care of me first and foremost.I know that will be the thing that can help me most of all- not someone else taking care of me, but managing to develop the best self care habits that I can and taking the best care I can of myself.

Today was the operation of the replacement of the bone onto the frontal lobe of the Marine. I am keeping him in my thoughts and prayers tonight as he undergoes this next step in his healing. The operation had to be put on hold until there was no remaining sign of infection.

Truth be told, as happy as I am getting ready to head up to Buffalo, I can't help but feel sad as it will be the first time I am heading up there to NOT stay at his place while visiting with the kids. He did so much for me to offer his place when in town so I had somewhere to spend time with them. I am so grateful and saddened that he is still laid up in the hospital. Making travel plans makes me miss him, as after I would set up All the plans revovled around the kids and their schedules and what was important to them it WAS always nice to then make a plan for one date night with the Marine!

The good news however is that the love of his life has returned! HE used to say to me , "Its been FOUR YEARS??? How long does it take to get over someone??"

She is the woman he was so in love with and he thought he would marry. I distinctly recall him telling me all about her back in 2002 at our college reunion, and then again later at the NEXT college reunion ( I think 2004)

I had thought the next time I saw him would be at his wedding! REALLY ! I expected him to be engaged shortly thereafter. Instead, he was deployed again and she couldn't handle the deployment.

So happy for him that she came back into his life after hearing of his accident. Just hope she is there to stay- and as he won't be deployed again, I hope she loves him enough to work through the challenge of his remaining rehabilitation and loves him enough to be at his side. This time she certainly won't have to worry about him going anywhere!

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