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2011-02-13 - 4:05 p.m.

Turned out that after a chat with my neighbor we did enjoy a lovely dinner out. There was also live music with a Jamaican man singing soulfully and two simple guitars accompanying which made me happy to listen to afterwards.

The neighbor decided he is fine still seeing me, which was actually contingent on the fact I could honestly tell him I did not have intercourse with my work dude date ever since our conversation that he will not date me if I am sleeping with someone else! Fair enough!

Work dude and I in fact had a conversation on Thu night about whethere we should even keep seeing each other as he said if it is not working for me perhaps it is better we don't spend time together.

Trouble is, I am seeing these two men:

One who is AMAZING TO Me, yet I am just not that into him;

and the second who is just not that into me! (At least so I perceive... yet he is the one I am more attracted to, find converstaion with more stimulating.)

And then truth be told at times I would just rather be single.

Talked to Marine who's reaction was " He is so easily played"

I said "Oh come on- that is not fair"

and he wanted to know what happened with work dude as he said " I thought that was going somewhere?"

I told him-- " No it is clearly not going anywhere fast. I think that is a dead end; although I would have LIKED for it to go somewhere. I just get the sense the guy is not that into me."

Ce la vie... life goes on.

So after a nice evening out I thought I would run this AM. Was so excited to check the messages and find out where the moring run was today. But it is cold in my basement and I came down to find my basement dweller asleep on the couch and I didnt have the heart to wake her turning on my computer. So I went upstairs and was looking for my laptop (missing in action somewhere... perhaps hidden in a little girls closet who surreptitiously logged into webkins is the number # theory of where I will find it).
I opened some mail to read it at about 6:30 AM ( runners kick off at 7 or 8am on Sunday morns); and I promptly fell asleep!

I awoke at NOON! Just amazed once again at my insatiable need for sleep!

I really was looking forward to the morning run as its a relatively warm day, and then was looking forward to church at 10:30-- but apparently my body needed sleep more than anything.

Enjoyed just whittling the afternoon eating leftovers and chatting with my lovely tenant (daughter of Pocohontas). It was just nice talking with her listening to her teenage dramas of life. She is a great kid...OK Young Lady. Such a nice, balanced person with a good head on her shoulders. One of the awesome young people Katerina and Soren are lucky to have in their lives. It was fun that yesterday my home was filled with teenagers hanging out here. So not my own and their friends, but my home is the comfortable space for Pocohontas' daughter and their friends who are such great kids.

She sweetly told me she will accompany me to head to visit the Marine in a few weeks which made me happy. ( She and Pocohonatas have spent time with him few times.) Nice chat with him today. I was disappointed to hear the woman he loves deeply who came into his life, talked daily and now is contacting him once in a while--every other week or so. I was SO HAPPY for him but looks like she might not be vested in the relaionship.

I just want him to be happy.

Truth is I still miss talking with him every other day but it is good to connect every other week or so at this point.
I was happy however hearing the love of his life was back- but now it looks like she may be back as a friend and it might not have the potential to blossom he was hoping for. (And we who love him were hoping for! Life goes on...)

And best news of all is that I think he is healing well and will have his job or A JOB back until retirement.

His life may return to normal soon. I so hope so!

HE is clearly as sharp as ever. That is obvious to anyone who knows him well. Its really miraculous how his mental acuity and physical healing has been so amazing. I think its one of those things that medical science just has a hard time ACCEPTING.

He should have been killed after what he went through.

And the extent of the TBI should have rendered him functionally impaired for life if he survived at all. I mean he had a Broken Neck, Severe Spine injury- Severed nerve endings and all. Part of his SKULL had to be removed to manage the swelling of his brain, AND an infection on top of it-- AND when first healing make no mistake there were moments he thought he was back in Iraq. I mean his first hospital room was next to a helicopter pad where they were bringing trama victims into the ER.... It wasn't a good thing.

He was a risk as he could ESCAPE from anything, and at first medical care was intensely challenging as he WOULD break free thinking he was back in combat and captured. He was the ultimate traine Marine escape artist and I think the nurses were afraid for THIER safety as he was in trained Survival mode right after the accident. I mean Marine highly medicated to heal ... It was all very intense for everyone.

But he made it through.

And those of us on the sidelines of course had to go on with life getting support from friends here while we thought he was dying.

So frankly when I look at the whole big picture of the last year, I realize I am doing DAMN WELL despite my issues.

It was not a small thing to have to handle: His accident at the SAME TIME at which I was going into court for a custody battle.

No wonder I was unraveled then, during the trial, and then feeling just shell shocked afterwards for months.


Thank goodness.
I realize its all a matter of degree.
I am not where I want to be , but at least I am SLEEPING AT NIGHT AGAIN. The months of insomnia have seemed to have past. For a while there I realized I had not slept soundly since the relationship with my Ex Boyfriend had unraveled and that was a terrible feeling to realize I was so STABLE when in that relationship but that since it ended was so frail emotionally. I hadn't gone one solid week without a night of serious insomnia in almost two years.

I realize now I am sleeping soundly again, so that is something to be happy about. The anxiety IS LESSENING.

My nurturing of self and letting others love me, even when I am still a bit desensitized HAS HELPED.

So its a nice thing to know this relationship with my neighbor is not ending. Its nice to know he can accept me for where I am at ,even though he wants more. Its nice to have his emotional support and I can call him at any time I need.

But its in a way even nicer to know that even if it DID END and I were completely and utterly ALONE without his support at this juncture I COULD STILL SLEEP SOUNDLY AT NIGHT.

That is the truth. I am feeling better and I know that I am not a terrified, neurotic mess when alone. I feel so much better than even a month ago.


Seriously- its one thing to feel well when in a relationship with a man who gives me that feeling of being protected and cared for; but another thing to NOT NEED a REALTIONSHIP AT ALL and to be able to SLEEP SOUNDLY AT NIGHT IN MY OWN HOME ALONE WITHOUT FEAR.

I have been reluctant to have a relationship and get close to anyone as I know I need to get over the fear and be OK alone before I enter a relationship with another.

And it just might take years.

I still have those moments of paranoia and of not being able to trust. I just push through them and live with it.

So for now, it feels good to be home and to feel SAFE here in my space. I haven't felt that in a long time to be honest.

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