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2011-03-20 - 2:26 a.m.

On 03/19/11 8:21 PM, Former collegue who was a fellow Teacher where I had been a Teacher's Assistant years ago wrote via Linked in when connected:
Is that you Msafire?? I see you're doing very well and it doesn't surprise me at all. I still see *^&$#^ and *^&#& on occasion but that's about it. Seems like forever ago doesn't it? Hope this message finds you well and in good spirits!


It was cool to connect and see this dude has been successfully running his own advertising marketing firm for the past nine years.

Hi *#&%# , Yes it is me!

So nice to see you have started your own company. Interesting work.

I am here as its time to update resume! Doing "well" but as always that creative thinker type I am sometimes inadvertedly somehow pushes boundaries wihthout even trying to that make others uncomfortable. I am reminded of the time I had an awesome young man I worked with use a typewriter with just a little motor control support and was delighted at his typing things like "Hi" and "cuzins" when asked what he did over the weekend with his mom. I later talked to his mother to confirm that indeed he had visited his cousins- a fact I had not been aware of. I still have that typwritten paper somewhere as it was such a small but important moment in my personal communication with that young man.

Yet I had NO IDEA why suddenly there was a meeting called with my boss and my supervisor present to disuss the methodology I had been using for a while. My supervisor was just awesome in her support of my so called "unconventional" work. It was rather hilarious as the BOSS informed me of the "facilitated communication" debate and I suddenly became aware of a hot bed of countroversy over what had just seemed like a natural normal thing to do. That moment was a perfect example of how sometimes overthinking and analyzing really iterferes with what I believe are moments of absloute intuitive clarity- yet so few ever trust intuitive knowledge. The boss herself was also gracious in her handling what at that time was actually a controversial methodology with alot of scrutiny and did what she had to do in response.

Its a moment I recall as I feel like I invariably always hit those in my work at some juncture.

One thing I have learned over the years is that my intuitive knowledge is a real gift. I have also learned that so few ever have confidence in that as credible which poses a problem for me professionally- just imagine as a legal professional how that would make me look even CRAZY to some to even make any mention of such. Therefore I DO NOT ever dare even name and address what the real issue is- but I recognize it nonetheless. There is often a lack of trust of my own preformance and ability and in a way a very fair criticism as it is true I am not one for following processess to the letter of the law or the granualar steps necessary and true that it is often that somehow I am oblivious to them.

As an example I also had been brought in to have it explained to me that there was a PROCESS to follow of achieving approval from a human rights committee before authorized to use planned ignoring to achieve extinction of a self injurious behavior of hand biting. In that case, although I could have been seen as ignoring the process it is true I was just oblivious to it- and also true that the end result of having achieve extinction of the behavior allow others to forgive my transgression. However in matters that are --- how shall I say, less tangible and physically overt, it is often not as glaringly obvious that my following of gut instinct and common sense has merit.

So I am here bolstering my resume and preparing as I have a boss that gave me terrible review and put me on a preformance improvement plan. I see signs she is preparing the managment paper trail as even in at will employment states it behooves one to have so called "cause" for firing ( as then there is no need for a reduction in force severance package which would otherwise be granted.)

To my bosses credit the area she identified for improvement ARE honestly those I do need to improve in as they are attention to detail concerns and frankly I am the ADHD contract manger! Its not a great fit for a role for my skill set and talent as it is one which requires quite linear, consistent and highly detail oriented focused thinking which is a challenge for my intuitive big picture thinking self.

I see this job as the stepping stone in learning skills while progressing as I did not yet pass the Bar Exam and that is my next goal. ( The ADHD issues and an inability to stay awake after sitting for two full days in a 16 hour exam make that a challenge for me! I couldn't stay focused that long to prefom well the 2nd day.) So doing well is a relative term... I am always happy however with doing "well enough"!

That is in fact is where I am at right now:doing "well enough" and hoping to convince others THAT IS OK! I am the ADHD contract manger who was always the B student overall with moments of brilliance balanced by moments of sheer mediocracy that is just not consistent in my preformance working in a group with a bunch of Type A perfectionist overachievers. I was the B student at an average law school and these are the A students at top tier law schools who were and are highly competitive. They seem to resent my laid back demeanor and inconsistency and it is a challenge to earn their respect.

I in fact have not earned it yet but hope to. If I don't achieve that soon I will be job hunting and will need all the help I can get ! So I am turning to my past history to find the time and place I was respected in hopes to get at least a few positive comments to balance what is currently an amazing negative view of my work. I asked Veronica if she could post a kudo for me here.

Give my regards to *#&$^ !
Oh and if you didn't guess, I am stll an avid writer ; )
(something you likely didn't even know about me before! HA HA)

Take Care,

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