2011-03-20 - 2:26 a.m.

On 03/19/11 8:21 PM, Former collegue who was a fellow Teacher where I had been a Teacher's Assistant years ago wrote via Linked in when connected:
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Is that you Msafire?? I see you're doing very well and it doesn't surprise me at all. I still see *^&$#^ and *^&#& on occasion but that's about it. Seems like forever ago doesn't it? Hope this message finds you well and in good spirits!

*$&%&

It was cool to connect and see this dude has been successfully running his own advertising marketing firm for the past nine years.

Hi *#&%# , Yes it is me!

So nice to see you have started your own company. Interesting work.

I am here as its time to update resume! Doing "well" but as always that creative thinker type I am sometimes inadvertedly somehow pushes boundaries wihthout even trying to that make others uncomfortable. I am reminded of the time I had an awesome young man I worked with use a typewriter with just a little motor control support and was delighted at his typing things like "Hi" and "cuzins" when asked what he did over the weekend with his mom. I later talked to his mother to confirm that indeed he had visited his cousins- a fact I had not been aware of. I still have that typwritten paper somewhere as it was such a small but important moment in my personal communication with that young man.

Yet I had NO IDEA why suddenly there was a meeting called with my boss and my supervisor present to disuss the methodology I had been using for a while. My supervisor was just awesome in her support of my so called "unconventional" work. It was rather hilarious as the BOSS informed me of the "facilitated communication" debate and I suddenly became aware of a hot bed of countroversy over what had just seemed like a natural normal thing to do. That moment was a perfect example of how sometimes overthinking and analyzing really iterferes with what I believe are moments of absloute intuitive clarity- yet so few ever trust intuitive knowledge. The boss herself was also gracious in her handling what at that time was actually a controversial methodology with alot of scrutiny and did what she had to do in response.

Its a moment I recall as I feel like I invariably always hit those in my work at some juncture.

One thing I have learned over the years is that my intuitive knowledge is a real gift. I have also learned that so few ever have confidence in that as credible which poses a problem for me professionally- just imagine as a legal professional how that would make me look even CRAZY to some to even make any mention of such. Therefore I DO NOT ever dare even name and address what the real issue is- but I recognize it nonetheless. There is often a lack of trust of my own preformance and ability and in a way a very fair criticism as it is true I am not one for following processess to the letter of the law or the granualar steps necessary and true that it is often that somehow I am oblivious to them.

As an example I also had been brought in to have it explained to me that there was a PROCESS to follow of achieving approval from a human rights committee before authorized to use planned ignoring to achieve extinction of a self injurious behavior of hand biting. In that case, although I could have been seen as ignoring the process it is true I was just oblivious to it- and also true that the end result of having achieve extinction of the behavior allow others to forgive my transgression. However in matters that are --- how shall I say, less tangible and physically overt, it is often not as glaringly obvious that my following of gut instinct and common sense has merit.

So I am here bolstering my resume and preparing as I have a boss that gave me terrible review and put me on a preformance improvement plan. I see signs she is preparing the managment paper trail as even in at will employment states it behooves one to have so called "cause" for firing ( as then there is no need for a reduction in force severance package which would otherwise be granted.)

To my bosses credit the area she identified for improvement ARE honestly those I do need to improve in as they are attention to detail concerns and frankly I am the ADHD contract manger! Its not a great fit for a role for my skill set and talent as it is one which requires quite linear, consistent and highly detail oriented focused thinking which is a challenge for my intuitive big picture thinking self.

I see this job as the stepping stone in learning skills while progressing as I did not yet pass the Bar Exam and that is my next goal. ( The ADHD issues and an inability to stay awake after sitting for two full days in a 16 hour exam make that a challenge for me! I couldn't stay focused that long to prefom well the 2nd day.) So doing well is a relative term... I am always happy however with doing "well enough"!

That is in fact is where I am at right now:doing "well enough" and hoping to convince others THAT IS OK! I am the ADHD contract manger who was always the B student overall with moments of brilliance balanced by moments of sheer mediocracy that is just not consistent in my preformance working in a group with a bunch of Type A perfectionist overachievers. I was the B student at an average law school and these are the A students at top tier law schools who were and are highly competitive. They seem to resent my laid back demeanor and inconsistency and it is a challenge to earn their respect.

I in fact have not earned it yet but hope to. If I don't achieve that soon I will be job hunting and will need all the help I can get ! So I am turning to my past history to find the time and place I was respected in hopes to get at least a few positive comments to balance what is currently an amazing negative view of my work. I asked Veronica if she could post a kudo for me here.

Give my regards to *#&$^ !
Oh and if you didn't guess, I am stll an avid writer ; )
(something you likely didn't even know about me before! HA HA)

Take Care,
Msafire

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