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2011-03-27 - 12:43 a.m.

Last of journal entries of e-mails NOT SENT to the attorney. He is a sweet guy who likes to e-mail I did send OTHERs that were shorter. We are having a nice dialogue:

Not afraid to say this makes me smile! I didn't get this e-mail until now.

I have a laundry pile still calling.Talked with Pocohantas She had lovely day at the Cherry Blossom festival where she went with an older lady friend. She called her as she realizes finally that
a. I was in no shape to go and needed the day of sleep
b. all her other women friends are now in love and busy ( a Spring phenomena.... Hey I will send you a poem on the subject. )
c. if she called a guy friend they would THINK it must mean SHE is love with him ( her words said with a laugh... I think she is FINALLY getting it that men DO misunderstand her friendliness if she treats them the way she would any of her girlfriends with open communication!)

Enjoyed nice chat with Pocahontas and her daughter the past hour They are chilling and relaxing in the living room. Harry Potter is on. The daughter is the cutest 19 year old who acts younger; she is painting right now with the movie on.

Posohantas has been cracking the whip of motivation and is pleased her daughter just landed a full time job starting next week in XXXXXX thankfully- just down the road from work that is awesome news for me too.

We may have a nice car pool situation.

That is good news for me as I think continuing to catch the bus each AM is good for my routine as I then get into work at 9:15 sharp each morning. Trouble is I get up early (6Am or so) and then in the morning I love to get my chores done- laundry, housecleaning etc. I try to do so for an hour or two and then make it into the office but with my time managment there is always "one more little thing" to get done and I am then prone to lost track of time and run late.

So I stopped that morning routine and am better taking the bus and reading novels or working on my laptop on my commute to get in early at work and not worry about losing track of time.

My laundry however is not caught up and I find myself too tired at the end of the day, so I have to reserve weekends for both sleep and chores .

I just need the weekend time for me home alone- something that I think also makes it hard to nurture a relationship. The last guy I dated of course WANTED to spend more time with me. I just can't offer that and still feel like I have all my stuff together. I also just didn't fall for him. So that ended and I have to laugh as then you show interest just as I said

I don't really WANT a relationship!

* Recall that at lunch ? The push back... the attestting that I am trying to work on me and a mess and really don't want that now ( HA HA) I laughed as my exact words are " I am just so a mess right now I figure the only men interested must have something wrong with them"

I laughed at your response of feigning a tick and clear expression of interest...

So of course we find these weird moments of attraction when we are not looking for them and least expect it.

Now my OTHER hesitancy is that I don't want to be an object of interest of someone just because its CONVIENIENT and I happen to be There... Does that make sense?

I dated a really nice man who is a neighbor. I was hesitant for the same reason I thought I WOULD NEVER ever even consider dating a co-worker:

I am wary of those who are interested in me that could potentially be interested just because of the ease of availability.

Or the possibility that someone doesn't really have a good self esteem and believe in themself and I happen to be open and receptive and available and THERE so that is attractive.

I mean, I think my neighbor gave up on dating. And then he met me- and I got the sense that if he had believed in himself he would have been open to dating and wouldn't fall for the first woman that just happened to come INTO his world.

Now he DID fall in love, but I have trouble falling in love with a man I believe would have fallen in love with ANY WOMAN who just happened to have fallen in his path and been receptive to his advances. I don't believe he fell in love with ME in particular but rather that for the first time in a long time he was open to seeing the good in himself - as I SAW It, and he hadn't had that vision of himself in a long, long time. So it was a good relationship for us both, but I realized after eight months I was not in love and no interest in a commitment and I needed my time for ME and I found him to be a burden (NOT TRYING TO BE OF COURSE but just his LOVING me and his NEEDINESS of attention when my heart was not in it.)

I just need my weekends to be home alone-- to do nothing other than SLEEP and fold laundry and nurture me(and WRITE and read!).

I am not ready to share myself any more than I could give at that time. But maybe it was just I didn't want to share myself WITH HIM as it didn't click.

Does that make sense? I so want to avoid being in a relationship with those who just LET THINGS PASSIVELY HAPPEN to them, and I felt like this wonderful man let all his relationships HAPPEN to him as they fell into his lap out of convienienvce and his own low self esteem. We had interaction as our kids are friends so that made it EASY to approah me as invites came for his daughter to do things with my kids. So I was APPROACHABLE. But he is a man who I think had no confiedence to put himself out there and approach a woman unless it was EASY as the circumstance made it so.

So maybe that is not a fair assessment and maybe overly judgemental of me- but that fear and lack of trust is where I am at.

I guess I have a theory that some enter relationships because they are NOT proactive and only enter relationships that kind of come to them easy...

And not because they consiously CHOOSE them..

Those are my fears.

Of course I recocognize they are fears, but they are also based on TRUTH that I see many do just that.

Does that make any sense?

SO I prefer to be more consious in making CHOICES in my life. As in choosing a career or a car, I don't want to just settle for that which comes my way. I want to set goal and exprectations and standards and features I want for MYSELF

but also aware that if one treats either men or women as a commodity in a market of choices that there is then the very real possibility one will NEVER be happy!

There is ALWAYS A better model and a chance to upgrade ( HA HA) or trade in every five years!

So at the same time as not wanting to just fall into something out of convieniece or ease, I am equally aware of the risk of never being able to commit which some fall into.

So those are my thoughts on relationships. I think it could be a recipie for disaster if TWO workaholics end up together simply because they each have a dysfunction to manage

That being said,,,, I don't know enough about you yet to understand who YOU Are, But I KNOW I certainly am afficted with that terrible trait. Its the family one... which I think all too often is rewarded in our corporate world but wrecks havoc on personal lives.

I have a remarkable brother who was the youngest VP at a Manhattan Bank who ALSO had a failed marriage as on 9/11 he was holding down the fort to prevent any possible looting and mayhem as ground zero was causing chaos.

His wife at the time, a manger of a paralegal group at a NY city firm had just WATCHED the building get hit and crumble from her office window across the street from ground zero.

He held down the fort, she was a wreck and he wasn't there for his beautiful new wife.

The marriage ended very abruptly.

Just on example that is the forefront of my mind with full awareness of MY LIMITATIONS and fully aware that for a LONG TIME I was doing SO Well at overcoming many.

For years I was running on time and leaving work on time.
For years I was not afflicted with workaholism OR time management issues as I HAD overcome them.

But now I am all too well aware of the risk that only those who ACCEPT me are equally afflicted.

Now that isn't a REAL Reason to push others away and think that anyone LIKE me would not be good for me.

But that Woody Allen line " I don't want to join any club that would have me as a member" comes to mind and makes me laugh!

I just want to be CAREFUL to make WISE CHOICES in life and not let life HAPPEN to me and fall into anything that is not a positve for me.

Did I mention I OVERANALYZE and think too much ... HA HA.

So as far as where I am at its the place of a consious CHOICE to be SINGLE right now with an openess of DATING very casually.

Now I am sure if I fall madly in love and the other person ALSO does that might change. The past few years I have been blessed with a few REALLY NICE dating relationships. Seriously- there is no lack of men in my life. But none with whom I felt that amazing connection. Maybe it is me and I just dont trust enough to EVER go there.

But at the same time I don't want to be the woman that is a .. how shall I say... heartbreaker I guess, knowing I am not open and letting a guy fall completely for me KNOWING I can't offer more?

Which is why the notion of FRIENDS that I can spend time with, or date casually really appeals to me. I have a few such Friends-- one great guy I go out with about one a month or every other month for a few years now who has NEVER tried to even kiss me. It a good friendship that works. I think when he stared to have romantic inclination he curbed it and we stopped what HAD BEEN a once a week movie night for a while. He is a great friend.

I also had the pleasure of dating a really good good college friend I have known for twenty years. He was a great support to me and I would see him once a month or so. He is still a great friend but had a terrible accident. After 20 years as a Marine and six deployments he came back here and was working in the judiciary of the Naval system on a board hearing cases and as a recruiter and was in a terrible car accident. He was hit by a driver falling asleep.

He has TBI and also some combat related PTSD and we bonded over shared undertanding of managing the 2nd ( as he was working successfully while managing that.) He was a huge support and the past year has consisted of me being a supportive friend to him. Tomorrow I am heading to visit him at the VA hospital in Richmond VA where he currently is in re-habilitation.

So 2010 was tough year. My Marine ended up in a car accident and coma two weeks before my custody battle and we all thought he wasn't going to make it. I went in when he was fighting for his life and his sister would call with updates and I was just a mess as I had to get it together to walk into a two day custody battle.

I didn't hold it together.

I walked into that court and my son and oldest came with me and I was ushered in and the seat they had for me WAS NEXT TO MY EX.

I made the fatal mistake of going in Pro Se. I had no other choice really- no money to hire a lawyer, and with my skill set and income too much education and income to get help. I tried. I was not eligable for court appointed or any other available legal assistance.

So basically, I had the equivalent of what can be called nothing less than a full blown breakdown moment right in that court when I was being asked to sit next to my husband.

I just couldn't do it.

And furthermore I had moments where I couldn't handle being there hearing lies and was so emotionally frail I walked out of the courtroom rather than have another in there.

I tried to eloquently give a closing high and mighty and BRIEF closing argument that as a legal professional who entered this field to seek truth and justice I had refused to enter a mockery of those ideals by participating is such a gross manipulation of our system.

It was eloquent and well spoken and I think I saved myself an order of contempt at least.

I argued that we have a BROKEN system in VA in which the so called "Best interest of children" standard is in actuality only played out in a system in which he who can attack the other more effectively WINS. I argued we are still caught up in that broken paradigm of WHICH IS THE BETTER HOME, WHICH IS THE BETTER PARENT
and have NOT progressed into a more useful and truly better serving of children in finding another way to navigate what is really in their best interest-- to have parents offered enough supports to work together.

I argued that I chose NOT to attack my ex husband and focus on his flaws and his past and at every turn ackowledged all the wonderful things they shared in court about him. I argued those however are IRRELEVANT and all that has in no way any bearing or should have any bearing on the fundamental question:

Am I one who is someone who is NOT a fit mother and has in any way demonstrated ANY reason for the state of VA to take away my RIGHT to parent and raise my children.

And I lost the argument.

And I didn't realize what that would do to a mother- -to this mother- to me.

How vulnerable and broken it made me feel.

THis too is not an e-mail but a journal entry.

Pocohantas asked

"Who are you writing to?"

I said "an e-mail to the lawyer"

She said " I thought you were writing a book"

Perhaps I am

Its called Mommy Interrupted.

And this is yet another chapter of my life of healing after that wound of interruption.

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