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2011-03-27 - 12:04 a.m.

Hi, Oops Bad news is that 5 day SLA must have been on an OLD doc I recently saw. I noted an e-mail went out reiteraing the 4 day SLA to an account manager today from my boss.

XXXXXX never did call me back. For some reason I instinctively did not expect her to. Not sure why, but that was my FEELING. Ce la vie...

I have been told by my boss that she talked with her and that she said to tell me she is traveling and will call next week when back.

Life goes on. I am not going to stress too much and just do my best. ( HA HA) If I keep telling myself that I soon will believe it! That is at least the theory of many and the foundation of Congnitive Therapy and things like the book The Optimistic Child which I found interesting! We can train our brain to think ANYTHING out of practice and habit! So I am trying to consiously train myself to be positive at this juncture which is ironic as positive is my TYPICAL outlook and this is very uncharacteristic for me to feel defeated.

I just felt so defeated after trying so hard for three years to do my job well. Heck last year I spend $5000 on a Professional Life Coach. Seriously! I hired someone to help me by analysing my work and home habits and give feedback on organizational tips and process improvement for me personally.

My girls got home tonight at around 9:15. Story there of course which I will spare you. ( It is supposed to be 7pm.) They are STILL awake and I am writing now to avoid impatience with them and remain gently nudging as the dress and brush teeth. It is not there fault they are late.
XXXX feel free to call me to chat when inclined any night but Wed and every other weekend when I have my girls as I am shamelessly protective of that time with them and yes selfish about it!

It's 9:30 pm and thankfully my anxiety which was overwealming finally abated late this afternoon after
1. A chat with my boss that I think went well and made me realize that when she said in response to my inquiry "Should I be job hunting? "

"I can't answer that question honesty, for if I did that would mean this preformance period had a foregone conclusion; however if I were in your position I would as I would want to keep all options open"

wasn't REALLY a kind way of saying "YES I AM working on the HR process to demonstate 'Cause' in order to fire you without severance"

And the fact I saw a HR posting for what is MY job description (distinct from that of our legal administrator who recently left) is likely NOT because she intended on convieniently eliminating my position.

I was terrified as I knew that the "legal admin" who left was discontented at both 1. Job Title and 2. I am sure accompanying salary.

Now we all know the way salarys and job titles work. If one has a JD and is called a contract manager I can only presume they are paid substantially more than a BA for an "Executive Assistant" or "Legal Administrator" which fall into the categorys THOUGHT Of as office administrative support, whereas the "Contract Manager" title is a bit more respected as a professional designation.

Now in reality that is really hooey when one considers the actual JOB that our former legal admin does(or rather did)

She happened to have a GREAT relationship with our boss, and YES she likely had less typographical errors on her draft. SO be it. That doesn't mean I am not good at my job, but it did mean my boss PREFERED her over me. So if she were told to downsize I WOULD understand her preference would be to keep her and not me.

I also understand that she had TRIED to get a change in postion title and salary to be more aligned with the actual job our former "admin" did and had FAILED in that effort.

But XXXX, truth be told when she so called "quit" my amazingly bizarre and infrequently discussed highly intuitive nature kicked in strong and my absolute FIRST instictive thought was " She didn't quit. She is not going anywhere. SOMETHING odd is going on."

OK so it is true I may be excessively paranoid. But it also may be true that my uncanny intuition is right on.

So I must swear you to secrecy as I share my very likely unrealistic crazy paranoid thoughts.

However that intial instinctive thought was not fleshed out and it was ONLY After I found the job posting for MY Job and not the admin that left and my other remaining Contract Manger commented " OH maybe so and so will apply for it." which really made me panic.

I just had just told my co-worker that I saw MY job posted and was very worried that there was an intention to hire for my current position and then let me go- and noted that it was not the admin job posted. My current remaining co-worker said "That's weird, as she wasn;t able to get a change in job title and wanted that. Maybe she willl apply for it."

* The lack of empathy in the response wasn't what struck me, but rather what a clear motive there was for only focusing on my limitations and securing the paper trail of such.

And that very honest blurt out of my co-worker not thinking of how lacking of empathy that came out made me think that my intuitive weird strong belief that the admin was not REALLY leaving suddenly made perfect sense. It was just too weird the way she left. We had discussion at our last team meeting when our former co-worker XXXXXX left- there were e-mails from all the team members attesting to how they apprechiated her and wished her well. There was NONE of that and it was very strangely quiet I thought among our group. I just had this bizarre thought it was not RIGHT and that she really wasn't leaving and I was vulnerable. Now that was BEFORE my review. She also sent me an e-mail wishing me the best and as I read it I swear it read like she was saying farewell to ME as I WAS the one leaving. She also asked if I had my review yet.... and I got this sense she KNEW it was going to be bad beforehand. I overheard her ask my co-worker and something about she wanted to be around and I thought it was for morale support of me in a kind way-- but knowing how close she was with my boss I felt sure she knew something I didn't and I had that premonition my review wouldn't be going well. Now that may all be just projection, but then she dropped me from Linked in and Facebook where we had been connected as friends and I didn't quiet understand why the sudden distance seemed even greater. Then the worst was that there WAS a farewell lunch for her with our boss and the other co-worker contract manager and I didn't even have the extra $10 to go out to lunch that day. I felt terrible that I couldn't go and say farewell, as despite my fears I really DO like her as a person and frankly it is hurtful to have someone befriend and then just drop you as a friend out of the blue without really understanding why.

So that's my really long vent. Shoot,this too should be an e-mail I don't send. I think I will save it as a draft. I don't want to be what they call an "emotional slut" HA HA I read a great article about that- -those who dump emotionally on people very early in a relationship and lead them to believe they have some connection and then walk away not really valuing the person at all.

So weird, the feeling of having been disconnected from the two contract managers I formerly had a nice working relationship with and had felt we were developing a friendship. I think it also shallow and disappointing when someone is the fair weather friend and like you and will socialize and do things like invite you and reach out socially- I mean she invited me to parties and to get together with her and her daughter and my kids. She was sweet and reached out to be a friend and then stopped. Perhaps as I just could never avail myself of her invites! One kid got strep throat one time, I had other plans when the party invites came... whatever... but nonetheless our workign repoire went from friendly to strained over a year ago.

Now of course to be honest , even though it would mean I have moments of NOT BEING WELL I would PREFER that this was just an unrealistic paranoid fear than it being a sound rational and highly intuitive understanding of a true motive and plan.

Because frankly the reality of me having paranoid moments is something I live with and is understandable and normal after some of the challenges I have been unfortunate to face but fortunate to have overcome to a great extent. I would find the 2nd option much more sad as it would be a comment on human nature that I would prefer is not the case. I would prefer that people would not ever be manipulative and self centered and MEAN to be so self interested to find others expendible for their own gains. I mean how hard is it to have a bit of patience and empathy and learn to get along with those who are not perfect even if they are not your favorite people in the world? How hard is it to see people's gifts and learn to apprechiate the strengths rather than focus on their limitations?

Good Lord XXX I finally raised my voice at the OCD child sorting colored pencils..... this one just HAS to go to bed. My raised voice wasn't that loud thankfully but I hit the right tone FINALLY . That is something I struggle with: having enough AUTHORITY in my tone without being overboard. I also just REFUSE to yell. We were all around way too much of that and I am convinced that with quiet and consistent authority my girls WILL learn to respond to something other than heavy handed discipline and erratic terrifying screaming at them. Its a slow process but they are doing well I think. Three down....

Its a motley crew here... Four of the most wonderful quirky kids.

I laugh as after writing the above I went up to check on my lovely motly crew and the ADHD ( diagnosed one that is... I am SURE I have TWO more undiagnosed! HA HA I am telling you three out of these four meet the criteria. My stat is four out of my six kidsshow the traits and symptoms! Thankfully two are not so afflicted!)

Back to the work stuff:

When I saw MY JOB posted, and my boss was putting me on a preformance review with "30 Days" to meet her criteria and I read about the MAnagement process of such and it CLEAR that after the time frame *which may be 30, 60 or 90 days a manager can opt to TERMINATE for CAUSE, I did think it wise to change my stance which to date had been to deferentially ADMIT all my flaws and frankly acknowledge that I was not where I WANT TO BE with my skill set nor where my boss wants to be, but to communicate the additional thought that despite that acknowledgement related to that particular skill set I BELIEVE I AM COMPETENT at my job.

Sorry for the "yelling" via e-mail (HA HA)

But I thought it essential to communicate to not only my boss but our Director that while acknowledging and being open to improvement I did not want my strengths and the accomplishments I have achieved well over the past year overlooked.

So I sent the e-mail not only to XXXXXX but my boss as well. That is one thing I ALWAYS do. I face issues directly and openly and would never jump a level without also communicating to the person I have been working with on an issue. I felt it was a professional e-mail to XXXXXX indicating that my boss has conveyed that after three years in her group she is not pleased and satisfied with my skills . I agree that should not be the case and proposed we discuss whether there is a change that can be made within our group which would resolve HER concern for a need for a contract manager she is confident in, and resolve my concern that my gifts are not being actulalized whereas I am only given the work to do ( drafting contracts) in an evironment with some attorneys for whom I apparently am not able to satisfy. I do think there is a resentment at their need to edit, and perhaps there is a way to better structure things so that not only I can be successful but the attorney (or attorneys if there is more than one of the five) whom I am supporting who I have not earned the faith of needn't at this point be so frustrated to be resentful of the time for review and so they do not look at me as a burden rather than an asset to our team. Maybe there is someone I can support who is NOT frustrated and whom WOULD be happy with my work, as truth be told what is an acceptable professional document DOES vary from one attorney to another and if I, who is WEAK at some details is paired with the attorney Most careful and congizent I APPRECHIATE the opportunity to strengthen my skills but don't want to be set up to fail at ever pleasing those I support.

The other thing that I find to be true is when I don't have an attorney review my first draft, I ALWAYS find the missed quirks and nits to fix on my OWN FINAL review of the clean draft. For some reason I am NOT a visual person and I don't SEE the errors in the redline. But just imagine how inefficient it would be to print EVERY darn purmutation of a draft. I just can't bring myself to do so. I only print the FINAL and THEN review it and invariably I ALWAYS then see something I missed before.

So the reality is that there are attorneys who trust my ability to do that and let me work that process myself, and there are those who redline my first draft and get upset that the first draft is not clean.

I think at this point I am OK accepting MY FIRST DRAFT WILL NEVER BE CLEAN but that does not indicate my final one will not be. There is a fundamental lack of confidence in the process that works for me. I don't think I want to even discuss that with anyone else as its too nitpicky and granular and not likely helpful . But its clear to me that is part of the trouble. I am being judged by my ability to get the work done in a way that works for others-- and likely other LINEAR thinkers, but not allowed to work in the way that works for me!

What is interesting is that all the professional development courses I take just validate this point that one has to find what works for them.

I also know I am of the personality that THRIVES when I have that pressure cooker high stress situation and I do BETTER with alot on my plate.

Ironically the one thing that makes me totally incapable and hit that deer in headlights is the attack of my competency and when I feel like I am being threatened by someone directly trying to impede my success.

XXXXX, I have watched another literally flail through a painful process of growth in trying to become proficient and strenthen their public speaking and teaching and training skills while providing trainings. To be honest they were just TERRIBLE. I would NEVER however SAY THAT. What I said was " That was good! Are you open to a few suggestions. If so I would be glad to be a sounding board if you want to practice and go over this before the presentaiton as it might help you be more comfortable and not nervous"

One ASKED me to come just for morale support which I provided. I then tactfully DID NOT Offer my feedback but sent some to the creator of the presentation (as fortunately it was presented a few times, and the creator ASKED for feedback on its content and presentation. )

Now I don't know if when team members have ASKED for feedback and I give it if it was resented?


I have no idea.

But I DO know that I have been in managment of teams of 25 for ten years and that I have trained alot of people. I know that as someone who used to have TERRIBLE time management skills I was THE BEST trainer in an agency of 60 sites on Time Managment. Hey only an Alcoholic can help an alcoholic overcome their issues!

And I know that at work now my gifts are not recognized and embraced but there is ONLY focus on my limitations.

That is a place that feels just TERRIBLE To be stuck in.

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