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2011-03-26 - 10:28 p.m.

I had locked this thing but damn it I can never figure out how to get in TO WRITE.

I FORGET my passwords that I set up.

Its so damn debilitating to me that I just can't manage to keep this site for ME If I lock it.

Stats down to ZERO so hopefully those I don't WANT to read have given up and don't hit it.

I wrote a few long e-mails that I realize are JOURNAL ENTRIES.

I am going to post the succession of them here as I clearly needed to journal these few weeks and this is so healthy for me to do so. I find it helps and I DO like to go back and read every few years to see how far I have come. Sometimes I NEED that validation.

The neightbor dumped me .

He and I had the once monthly conversation in which he asked me if I STILL wanted to date others.

This time he realize when I said YES I am just NOT IN LOVE WITH HIM.

He was VERY sweet to bring me to the VA hospital to visit the Marine. But I think he realized that with the smile on my face and the joy at seeing the Marine that I didn't have that LIGHT when seeing him.

Pocohantas called the Marine ( who she too had been friends with. He took her out a few times, to dinner, and has been to her old place and helped her and her daughter decorate their Chrismas Tree a couple of years ago. They stayed with me at his pad in Buffalo when we traveled and saw Soren in a show.)

So Pocohantas called and told the Marine she would be happy to spring him from the hospital to come chill with us some weekend. He said yes intially.

The neightbor was not pleased at my joy telling him the Marine would be coming for a weekend here.

The Marine almost came for a weekend. He said yes. Then changed his mind after the neightbor dumped me. Likely as he is ALSO, like me NOT READY for a relationship and he didn't want me to be let down.

However we were to go to lunch with him today and he told me he did get off for both Sun as well " Just in case something happened" He said that after we called to ask if he minded us getting him on Sun to take him out rather than SAT as Pocohantas daughter wanted to hit a job fair.

I miss the Marine, but both he and I are clearly in these healing states. I love our friendship and like it for what it is- -a really really good close friendship.

I am however SO NEEDY right now and know it. Caught up in the workaholic panic lately. Yet I am NOT attracted to anyone EQUALLY needy of attention! HA HA The double standard! I don't find any men who are not secure and need to connect as they worry otherwise at all attractive. A guy needs to give me my space or I have no interst.

Thus the attraction to the CO-Worker who gives me just what I Need NORMALLY. HE calls a few times a week and we go out once or twice every Other week- and I can keep it casual and focus on myself and the kids.

That is what I need at this juncture.

So it figures, how ironic live is-

I laughed as the winery owner friend said just days before I got dumped about the neighbor "Give the guy a break, no wonder he is insecure and needy, you work in an in house counsel group so he KNOWS there have to be all these attorneys there- he knows you meet these guys all the time and that has got to be intimidating to him."

So I laughed as I swear it was just DAYS after the dump of the neighbor that lo and behold indeed an attorney at work has expressed interest.

Now the trouble is, I think to date an attorney is just like considering dating a neighbor. Just a TERRIBLE idea.
I mean I NEVER EVER EVER EVER EVER EVER would date anyone at work.

When I talk about the hot dude I call by a knickname who I met at work, understand I don't work WITH HIM. He happens to have the SAME JOB as me in a TOTALLY different group for the past 15 years.

I LOVE that dating relationship. He is SMART , we are professional equals, he is experiences so I can learn from him, but he also calls ME for help on things I know well ( like services I know REALLY Well as we draft contracts for them all the time and his group has not as of yet- althoguh they will.)

We are truly enjoying this casual, supportive dating relationship.

I don't want MORE -

BUT BAM I had just got hit with a few TERRIBLE WEEKS


And boy did I want to talk to HIM in particular .

Not the attorney who is so readily availble and WANTS to connect.

Now the trouble is that this attorney has that one fatal characteristic I can really fall for.

He is a good writer and furthermore HE LIKES TO WRITE TO ME.

I might be in hot water with this one.

That alone, with other things about him makes me think I could be very interested.

And worse yet, when I looked at him with full eye contact the other night I was in trouble.


So I decided that INSTEAD of writing back to him, I would write my HONEST VENTING EMOTIONAL RAMBLES AS JOURNAL ENTRIES rather than E- MAILS and AVOID what I call being
"an emotional slut!" HA HA I LOVE That term.

The emotional wrecked needy person who will emotionally dump and be intimate with whoever just HAPPENS to be in the line of fire!

So will post my musings on the subject as I know I am in a needy state right now.

Despite that, after missing the bus home a few times I WAS grateful for this kind attorney who did take me to dinner and drove me home. And yes he respected my boundaries.


So I told him we can be friends and have to navigate that with caution.

Other thing that stinks is I read the code of conduct. For professional reasons among which are to avoid the possibility of anything even being seen as unprofessional our company has CLEAR RULES to be followed.

I made it clear I will follow them.

So we are to be FRIENDS but I CAN NOT DATE HIM. At least not now.

For to do so I would be bound by the code of informing my BOSS of the realationship.

Now that being said, I have to keep MY PRIORITES STRAIGHT.

I have to focus on doing the FINEST JOB I CAN and being successful at my work.

The LAST THING I NEED is a distraction at work.

So in the spirit of COMMON SENSE and fully aware of my current fragile emptional state I am posting the series of JOURNAL Entrys now and HAVE NOT Sent these long rambling emotionally dumping needy e-mails.

I need a Psycotherapist more than a date! HA HA And I envision the Marine getting better over time and would so love to be able to take off and ski with him NEXT winter. I took the girls skiing finally, and the neighbor drove us and he was just not fun to go with AT ALL. He was onery and complained the whole way there, then afterwards weirdly talked about how great it was and how he wanted to take us all again and it was just so odd. I mean HE CAN'T AFFORD IT now, so why the heck couldn't he accept me taking us as this was my CHIRSTMAS gift to my girls and why did he act like he then wanted to pay to take us all again? I swear the man made little sense to me. One week he was boasting of a new job and a raise, and then next I had SUGGESTED he look into gettin his teeth fixed and doing somethign for HIMSELF with his money. He then impulsively had them fixed without running the numbers. So then he hit depression over it and it was so obviously due to his impulsivity and I think at some level not doing somthign for himself but something I SUGGESTED. I didn't see him as happy with his choice but then showing signs of resentment of me as he realized that fact that it was like I said "Think about jumping" and he plummetted off a cliff. Now I was saying jump a little if it is good for you, not to his demise! OH well.... HE WAS VERY GOOD TO ME. But in the eight months of dating it was clear he did no believe in himself and has serious low self esteem issues and I am just not attracted to him or that type of person. I saw ALOT of signs of impulsivity and not being responsible EVEN MORE THAN ME! So there were a TON Of red flags and I think he was investing money and time in our relationship in ways he could not afford. I felt like he was putting ME before his daughter and there is nothing LESS attractive to me than that. Anyway, just as I am GLAD that dating realtionship is over and I feel more at peace in my own space, there is another man expressing interest. I also do like this man for a variety of reasons but feel like I need to have great caution here. I really JUST WANT TO BE SINGLE AND ALONE, and to be able to have my time with my MARINE when he wants and my occasinal date with co-worker hot dude and work on myself. ITs the weekends skiing with the Marine and time with him that I am NOT willing to give up. Even if it is NOT NOW I think in a year I will enjoy that time with him if he wants. At some level the co-worker may be right as he says " YOu are waiting for the MArine" No I guess not WAITING. As I have NO EXPECTATION of anything more than we had. But what we did have WAS ENOUGH and I don't really want either more or to lose the comfort of that relationship with him for what it is. And even if it is never as what it WAS I just want the friendship and my time to nurture myself as that is what I need now-- it is enough. But nonetheless I did send an e-mail to co-worker dude to PLEASE E-MAIL ME!! I KNOW I emotionally conncect strongly when someone WRITES TO ME. I wish HE Would write to me! He's been warned.. its not his style but he has some serious competition! OH well... He used to also call me back RIGHT AWAY when I called and that hasn't happened in a while so he is just clearly not that into me. Ce la vie... The good news is that tomorrow I head to Richmond to visit the Marine!! YAHH!!!! It will be so good to see him. Hopefully he has some good news and his spirits are lifted. He called but I was stuck at work tying to finish a task. Have to do it tomorrow as today I needed to sleep.

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