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2011-04-10 - 3:30 p.m.

Fascinating article on addiction: The first thing that struck me was that a friend I know has someone in their life doing many of these things who is OBVIOUSLY not clean at this juncture. Friend a bit of an enabler with the blinders on. Sad to see. The next thought was how it bothers me still how many personality TRAITS I have of an alcoholic!! Seriously! Although I have never had either alcohol or drug addiction due to both my ADHD and idiopathic hyposomnia I have so many behavior traits that are callenges to manage which are similar to an alchoholic that I think that explains why I have had so many alcoholics in my life. It is something that has alwasys BOTHERED me. I chalked it up to family communication patterns which I think were set years ago by Alcoholic grandparents. Fortunately my parents don't have issues with alcohol, nor do most of my siblings (one does clearly) yet it was the personality traits that concern me. What I worry most about now: Do prescription drugs for ADHD and Idiopathic Hyposomnia ( which are stimulatants) help or hurt me? I DEFINATELY Have that physiological CRASH on the weekend when I don't take the medicine that keeps me awade during Mon through Friday. Yet if I miss a dose ( as I accidentally did this week after being sick and on an antibiotic) I am just comotose and then not functional at work. So I take that stimulant in addition to the ADHD medication and I think I do alright but the recent preformance issues make me wonder if it has any efficacy at all on my attention to detail and consistency. Most of all it makes me worry about my LONG Term health. The paranoia has been greatly improved with treating that. So I gave up on going off the ADHD meds due to paranoia and went BACK on, adding the one for idipathic hyspsomnia, and and an increase in the medication to handle the paranoia. I guess I am submitting to being realistic that I am reliant on prescriptions at this point in life. Its something I did not want to be. I did not want to HAVE to layer a new treatment on in order to maintain the side effects of a primary treatment. But as the feedback I got from the lead CM when I started this treatment regimine was that my work was suddenly GOOD and then dropped back to being inconsistent reflected that the medication helped and when I went off it was back to not being what my company needs. I went off yet again months ago due to paranoia. So its been about a week or two now since I went back ON The new trial of treating ADHD Again AND THIS TIME actually treating PTSD (anxiety disorder and paranoia) as well. I have found that I can't yet TELL if it works as this past week I GOT SICK! Of all the darn things, I caught an infection and was feverish for three full days. I went to work on the fourth and realized I was STILL running a lower grade fever. It wasn't until Friday I finally felt better but then I was still mentally FOGGY. Now I can't tell if the mental fogginess is due to the illness, the antibiotic I had to layer on top of a new prescription change, or the effects of my new prescriptions, or PTSD That I am having such trouble kicking. It still kicks in rather strong. A recent training to help Wounded Warriors was startling to me in how accurate the description of symptoms are FOR ME. I mean I have a diagnosis and treatment so they shouldn't be a surprise. But in a way it was when reading the list of symptoms we were being trained in as legal helpers of Clients with PTSD. The irony of that was unbelievable for me. Its such a challanging and delicate thing to manage all my medical issues at once! But I think I am doing so OK with help of my Dr. SO I will continue to give this medical treatment a whirl as I have no other choice. Treating the ADHD, Idiopathic Hypoinsomnia and PTSD is the only hope for me to be a functioanlly preforming and hopefully a consistently strong preformer who meets expectations. I KNOW I have such talent and gifts but I also know of my limitations and am having a hell of a hard time overcoming them. IN GOOD NEWS I am enjoying a new class I am reading for this afternoon and will work through a lecture. Soren's current show that I saw last night was just AMAZING! And I am SO PROUD Of Katerina who has decided on the college she will be going to: BENNINGTON with $41 K a year in scholarship and grant money. They wrote the most beautiful letter of how the WANT HER to go to their school! She and Dad visited both there and Hampshire the past two days and I can't wait to hear all about it! He told me she decided and we need to come up with her deposit.

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