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2011-04-28 - 6:10 a.m.

There are a lot of nice sites out there for adults struggling with ADHD.

is one I looked at this AM.

Nice to have a couple of friends that also struggle with this condition.

The sweet attorney whom I would not have been able to date had we worked together is not at my company anymore.

Well, that made it easy.

I would have been avoiding a relationship - which frankly wouldn't be hard as avoidance of a relationship is my norm while I try to navigate myself to be best health I can have.

What I somehow resent is how it is easier to be healthy when in relationship.

I struggle with that challenge of wanting to be independent, capable and self responsible and accountable then doing something super dumb like taking on a meanial boring task that spirals the ADHD symptoms and renders me in the obsessive state of hyperfocus and worry about not getting this one stupid task done I stink at and interrupting a good work flow to get it done. Which stinks if I don't get it done but it sucked time.

So I have no trouble working late to make up for the lost time and inefficiency. But that takes a toll- so there is inconsistency as I need to sometimes just call it a day.

I HATE STATUS REPORTS of what was done in the past month.

I find them depressing. One of the few things that I do find actually depressing because so often I haven't been the one to do them, but have merely had to edit and time and time again find my name dropped off work.

And I find it depressing that only
AFTER I did disclose my ADHD was there then greater scrutiny of my work. I find it depressing that after having disclosed idiopathic hyposomnia to my boss she then went down the road of not only greater scrutity but I swear trying to get rid of me.

Pulling me back, giving me marching orders that effectively disable me MORE in getting my job done with efficiency. Things like "don't send e-mails without attorney review"

Just imagine how hard it is to actually DO YOUR JOB if you can't be responsive and efficient and timely and a helpful team member as you have a GAG ORDER.

Its rather insane if you ask me.
But clearly fear driven.

I do the same damn work I did the first two years when I was evaluated as "Preforming"

It was good enough then. But now she is only focusing on the negative.

But it is the seeing my work being not reported, and seeing that another person was given a KUDO- and specifically given praise on HER end of year review for a job I DID makes me very upset when I was only given criticism and not acknowledgement.

That was also a project that pulled me from other responsibilitys so I LOOKED like a non productive team member.

SO I feel manipulated.
And its very upsetting.
But the scrutiny just makes my performance worse unfortunatly as I can't relax under these conditions and get into flow very well. So I try to do so by working LATER AFTER HOURS and I can hit flow after my co-workers leave. Which stinks as one tends to ALSO stay late but at 8pm on a Friday dares to complain if I even talk and sees me as a disruption. DAMN At 8pm on a Friday I think I should be able to Blast Bob MArley and sing and dance if that helps me get my work done. GO HOME YOU WORKAHOLIC SUFFERING POST LAYOFF SYNDROME!!

She is sweet and a hard worker I admire very much. Funny however for the first year or two of our tenure together I would remind her how she is just ROCKING GOOD at her job and needs to call it a day and get over HER FEAR and GO HOME at a reasonable hour.

HA HA Now I am worse than her...

"Workaholics of the world unite;
You have nothing to lose but your minds"

Now the overlooking of my work, the pulling my name off deliverables, and the reporting of my work product might be inadvertedly done. It might be an oversight. It might be other's human error and no ill will. But nonetheless, when I worked as a direct report to one boss she was aware and careful to work as a TEAM . She was consious if I was overlooked. We worked clearly TOGETHER. She noted when my deals were "accidently" not on a status report.

I presumed these were mistakes. But after some time, even if those were mistakes of our one admin, the overt taking over my deal and then dropping my name after I do the heavy lifting is just blatantly rude. I can't ignore that pattern of one that I support.

At least I have ONE who is supportive.ONE Who is respectful and still treats me as a team member and courtous and encouraging and helpful.
She is the one positive force in an otherwise awful climate at work right now.

I am so upset as about a year and a half ago she WANTED ME TO BE HER DIRECT REPORT. She WANTED me to WORK FOR HER.

And the idea was shot down.


Other people's issues. Not mine. Not for me to worry about or discuss.

I don't take on other people's issues as I have enough of my own thank you.

So instead I have been supporting five different personalitys. Five different expectations of the little details.

That is a surefire way to set an ADHD person up for FAILURE if you ask me.

And I was asked.
And I articulated that I would do better as a direct report to ONE.

Instead of supporting a group and a direct report to the director of that group whom I rarely work directly with. ( I did so twice this year only on deals. Both times the Boss was happy with my work)

But my boss is NOT happy with my work based on the aggregate feedback.
So disappointing.

But I can't help but feel there WOULD be content with my teamwork, deliverables and skill set and preformance if there were not consistently other things going on-

Not to talk of other peoples issues, but it gets depressing when I go to complete a status report of what I have done and have to debate whether to re-claim the work I did that my name was dropped off of or not.

Some people do fine when under scrutiny. Others don't.

Or maybe some are just completely unaware.

I unfortunately am HYPER KINETIC.

I wish I were not.

I wish I didn't HEAR every damn phone call from five cubicles away or behind closed doors.

The one encouraging thing is that I KNOW I am not the ONLY ONE.

And its encouraging to overhear OTHERS deal with this issue with compassion. That gives me HOPE.

Since I NEVER stated my employer I think it OK to say I overheard a Manager discuss how to manage a staff with Adult ADHD who has gone the route of diagnosis disclosure and they are working on the accomodation. IEP must be a phrase used in the workplace

I can only guess "Individual Employment Plan" for accomodation.

Now ironically I am so damn stubborn that I don't WANT an official accomodation request.

I did just want that darn CHATTER BLOCKER sortware and it was what I think would be a hilarious the OFFICE episode when I asked for it.

I mean the procurement hoops, the authorization for a unique software, and then the administrative chain of command personnel calling me and the question "What is this and why do you want it?"
which came up from random people calling me along the way-
Everyone from MY BOSS , then the EXUC ASSISTANT, then the OFFICE MANAGER,
then the Procurment outsourcing group we have hired as a company to manage our software, Then the finance folks who I needed to find out how to find our dept finance # for billing,

I mean it was absolutely HILARIOUS.

I had joked with my lead reviewer of work at the time ( OH yeah a sixth person I have support of the now ten different attorneys I have supported in the past three years- as there have been some personnel shifts)

but I digress..(surprised??? "Look there's a cat!" not really... but it is a storm outside with lovely flashes of lightening and thunderous roaring)

I had joked "Yes I am SPECIAL, so I am requesting an accomodation of a SPECIAL EXCEPTION"

That was what was so $*$^&#& hilarious!!

It was called a "Special Exception" when you request non standard software from our diligent IT managment of something to put on a work computer.

No wonder my boss is asking
"Would you consider resigning?"

Is she ^*&#^% kidding me???

I suppose she is terrified and I can't blame her.

I mean I have disclosed , now that I think about it, that I am ADHD to a number of personnel at work.

Not intending to- but they did ALL ASK Why I need the "Special exception" software.

Now what is absolutely hilarious in this is that is shows the inefficiency and how processes WASTE MONEY.

To be honest I KNOW I do my job "Well enough"

OK so in the age of six stigma, yes its a bit stigmatizing to be a 6 some of the time, but then a three or four and at times a 2 on that measure!

Yes its hard to be amazing all the time.

Its hard to be PERFECT and in this age of the managment philosophy when we have gurus saying that the secret to success of top companys is --

PRUNING- getting rid of the performers who are NOT top preformers and populating your company only with the equivalent of the
uber men and woman that can reach perfection

Well its enough to make ANYONE A nervous wreck.

Especially when you have a conference room full of consultants from Accenture or some such other analysis firm. I have no idea where just a guess at the company as I would never disclose anything I actually KNOW ( I take personal and confidential VERY Seriously)

And especially when you have hyperkinteic hearing and overhear the analysis of your work.
And especially when you have trouble TRUSTING that your friend is really your friend and really laid off and not a spy for the company..( HA HA) OK at least I can laugh and joke about the PTSD idealizations ( not ideal but the opposite ironically)

I know they are "moments"

When the hell can we get to the point where the world recognizes that mental illness is just like any other?

NO stigma for one who gets a cold and is not at par for a short while.

There should likewise be no stigma for anyone suffering mental illness who is also not at par for a short while.

Off to get kids to school.

I did watch Office Space with my friend the now laid off corporate attorney with a scary resume....

Scary intimidating that is for some...
Twenty years plus experience so to be expected.

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