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2011-05-03 - 8:35 p.m.

. I have to say that I truly love the company I work for.

Funny as the last thing I expected when finishing college would be to love a job working for a Fortune 100 company.

However it is most definately the most fun I have had in any work.

I am so grateful and typically awake each day looking forward to the new challenges.

Now one can imagine that with all my issues, it is a challenge for me to preform consistently well.

I do my best and have to be content with preforming "Well enough"

Funny as my boss set and expectation on my preformance review of "error free first drafts"

That was HER language. I quoted it and told her that I didn't think the expectation was either fair or realistic.

She responded with a reply that she never said my work had to be perfect and was disappointed that I had cited her as having said such.

What I thought was funny was that I re-read my e-mail to her and nowhere did I even use the word "perfect". So it rather amused me that in her e-mail she actually did that which she was criticizing me of! She was critical of my misconstruing and misunderstanding and misrepresenting her communication.

Oh much as I like my boss as a person, we clearly do not have a cohesive working relationship at this juncture.

Will wait to see how that plays out.

I did enjoy my on line class tonight.The teach said I have to get a microphone as the IM is not as much fun for the interaction. I do enjoy it. I took the first test a few times, but tonight decided I would Settle on the 84 which is a B and move onto raising my grade on the 2nd test I took.

My first round resulted in a 76. Not bad as the first attempt at test one was a 76 as well and that was after having done ALL the reading and listened to ALL the lectures ( some a FEW times to get them more fully!) .
Ironically when I took the 2nd test I had only completed listening to HALF the lectures! I only listened to those ONE time. While I did do all the reading I actually found it funny that the starting grade was the SAME as the first test in which I did all the work before taking the test.

A chinese fortune cookie that came from Chinese food that a sweet sweet friend brought over after "saving" me when I was locked out ( YES terribly embarassing!! He went to get my spare key that Pocohonta's daughter had on her person at her new apt!), read:

"I hear and I forget; I see and I remember; I do and I understand"

Until I actually had to answer some of the questions on the test, I didn't really GET a couple of points. The process of going through the various other possibilities and thinking about the wrong answers really helped in understanding a few points I was not grasping by reading.

I find that to be the case with my learning. I learn by doing. When I read or listen to lectures the challenge to stay awake is the biggest limitation. Likewise trying to work when it is soporifically quiet and the work is simple, routine and NOT challenging and thought provoking is a HUGE challenge for me as I can barely stay awake!

I do the best I can.

Today I did well, but tomorrow I will do better.

Well, At least I will TRY to do better tomorrow...

Some of us have to just accept our gifts and our limitaions and if we can't achieve everything we wanted in life: So be it.

I am not going to sweat it, but continue to do the best I can, be present in the moment and happy with where I am at as well as where I am headed.

OOPS:I don't ever edit this stream of consiousness journal; I haven't the time. My sense of ethics of valuing honest above all else however compelled me to come back and add an editorial comment to the above.I re-read the e-mail I wrote to my boss and Director and YES I DID use the word "perfect!" Maybe a few times! AH... On a positive note, on our team call from the whole head of our legal dept I thought it was encouraging that one of his topics was encouragment to be aware and congnizent to issue spot and weigh risks, but not to the point at which we disable our business from growing, changing and thriving! Great analogy that if we as lawyers put on our lawyer hats and focus only on all the possible negatives and risks of getting in our cars- we may never drive! AWESOME Talk that he gave which made me feel VERY VALIDATED. I have sensed that alot of the discontent with me personally at work is less personal and moreso that I am the particular example ( or manifestation) in this larger debate within our company. I represent most obviously the side arguing to let some things be valued via a risk benefit/cost benefit analysis which has not necessarily been done in those realms before. Others are resistant at analyzing what it costs our company to pay an attorney to review and redline and improve a contract I drafted which although may in fact be riddled with small errors, might be worth overlooking if considering the cost of the time to make it better - either by hiring another Contract Manager and training them, or paying the attorney for that granular review, or the cost of potential loss of businesss if we don't flip out a contract to the client as quickly as they want and they buy elsewhere where someone else can deliver. I felt hopeful that THIS IS THE PLACE I BELONG. My philosophy, my business acumen, my decisiveness and sound judgment on legal issues and delineating between business and legal issues so I know when to escalate to an attorney perhaps make me as efficient as anyone else ( if not moreso!) regardless of the quality of my deliverable when measured only in the sense of grammar and spelling and font formatting. I have questioned: What is the most important values in my role? Why am I not evaluated on truly measurable criteria? Like how quickly and responsively I can meet the needs of our client when they do NEED IT NOW?? I am so positive I am an asset. I am also positive that at times my name was dropped from deals on occassion which I was fine with as I am the ghost writer or the front person shield to buffer the attny in my role of supporting an attny. I have no problem doing either of those. I just have a problem being the really outstanding detail oriented contract manager who can turn over an error free professional looking documnet on first draft;and I have a problem with not being apprechiated for those assets that I do bring to the table which I do believe ARE VERY VALUABLE and may perhaps be MORE valuable than a document that does not have any small , non material, errors. I never heard of a deal not closing because of inconsistent font or a misspelling. Yes I joke I am Stigmatized and about a THREE on the SIX STIGMA scale when reviewing my first drafts.I even admit my first year and a half to two I was more like a one or two ! I may have had a LONGER and more frustrating learning curve than many- but I made it this far and at this point my drafts ARE DECENT. ( For the most part, with admittedly an occassional weak one- which if flipped back to me at first review of it being crappy I can re-do and not waste the attorneys tome. I WANT to be supportive and think I HAVE BEEN overall.) However in assessing EVERYTHING ELSE I am at LEAST a SIX! I just ROCK at the rest. I can flip out the average RFP review in two to three hours. ( Seriously) A More complicated one in two to three days (like the Boeing one. I will work nonstop rather than give up on a possibility we just NO BID!) I can look at a complex problem and more often than not see a possible solution in moments. ( Whether a good one or not doesn't matter- sometimes it is good, sometimes not. Wait Noah, I actually this that is another asset: Many times it IS A GOOD ONE. I know I did so on a few larger complex deals. Diageo being one both before and AFTER others discussed a quagmire for MONTHS. The solution I came up with within one day of dedicated review was the one that eveyone eventually came back to using.) I also have the grace to be able to give the idea, or the seed of it to soemone else, and nurture it and then be happy to get it done regardless of WHOM or HOW it gets done and who gets credit! I don't get motivated by EGO but rather by teamwork! That really SHOULD be valued! My immediate boss however doesn't value me. She would prefer to let me go. Discussions are ensuing. Say some prayers as to how this works out. I did send out two resumes about two months ago at the start of a preformance review and I got a call back three days later. (Not surprised as I negotatied a deal and likely someone hiring a CM in that group Knew me!! That was fortuitous. The funny thing is its a company I literally SUGGESTED we aquire in our CFP challenge of ideas. I got a clear response "Not interested, as they are not aligned with what we do but a intermediary and we are no interested in a re-seller." They are NOT competion. There would be no violation and no reason I could NOT work for them as their core industry is in fact DIFFERENT. I was not agressive in my response. wanted to show up and focus on doing the BEST JOB and be SUCCESSFUL in my job as there is so much I LOVE about it. I also had the challenge of not driving for a few reasons and the bus line works well enough for my current location, and its flexible, so that is a big asset. I would prefer not to spend $200 a month on GAS and prefer not to pay other bill with that for one. CE la vie.. Off to find my keys. So frustrating. HAving a hell of a week when I should be stepping up to plate to prove myself. Morning started out GREAT! ( Until I misplaced those keys!) UGH!! Another day in the life with ADHD... But the thing is, even if I get in LATE I will STAY as late as needed to GET IT DONE! And I DO GET IT DONE. Not perfect, and not with error free first drafts- but I pray WELL ENOUGH.

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