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2011-05-13 - 9:02 a.m.

I have to laugh at my penchant for writing for an hour and then hitting something accidently and POOF the whole entry disappeared.

Reader, if there ever is one, you have been spared a long ramble.

Gist of it is:

Work dude and I both cancelled the past three dates. He stood me up (REALLY! HE tried to make it seem otherwise!) ; Then I guess you could say I stood him up ( really.... I did have class and homework to do that I forgot about when planning our next attempt at a date so did cancel day of just hours before, and worse when HE CALLED ME. OOPS...) ; and then we finally were getting together to celebrate his by then belated birthday and he got irritated with me as on the way to my place on that beautiful 80 degree warm day ( one of the first!) I guess I wasn't listening to him as he was clear he just wanted quiet time....

And I suggested a hike ....( it was SO beautiful I wanted to be outside!), something else..and then when he took a wrong turn I got excited and said "This is the wrong way by my friend's winery is up the road and I haven't been there in three months. I would so love to bring you there to see it! "

He got aggrevated and just dropped me off at home and said he was tired and wanted to just go home.

It was funny as he either is protecting himself or just not into me and with him I could never tell which.

So after three dates cancelled I am thinking I don't have to have a coversation with him and that makes it MUCH EASIER.

We had talked about whether we should keep seeing each other a few times anyway...
but to be honest, if we had gone out I would have had to have the honest conversation about the attorney.

I just fell for this attorney and that suddenly changes my dating preferences.

Not something I expected. I was very content at avoiding a REAL relationship ( HA HA). I was very adept at not getting involved to a degree other than casual and I was very happy if I dated a guy who wouldn't call me more than once or twice a week and didn't want to get together more than every other week or once a week at most! And just dont be needy and have to talk to me more than that as I haven't the time or energy...

So I said.

Iroic as when I first went to lunch with the attorney it was over one of those geeky theoretical philosophical type legal theory discussions that was getting interesting but we both had REAL work to do so he suggested continuing the conversation over lunch.

IT was a great conversation, but the irony is I didn't even know his name.

I am terrible with names.

OK that is enough as I lost the longer detailed entry. Ironically the one I lost was about the Marine. I need to be better friend and reach out and call him more. He won't do it. And I know that he deserves me to make effort consistently.

So happy to hear he ran a 5K last weekend and is running another this weekend. He hit time of 26 min which is great. Would pass the physical fitness test for the Marines at that! So happy to hear he is doing so well. And yes, as the attny said last night
"You must still be grieving..It still has to be hard."

I don't think so... not really as the Marine was my friend who was helping me with getting over the man I was in love with.

The problem is I didn't WANT nor EXPECT to then fall for the Marine.

Irony is that started to happen just about last April and MAy.... and I wrote about it again with the

"Everyone falls in love in April"

theme I so love.

I called him and said "Damn you I am NOT supposed to think about you EVERY DAY"

That was Before his accident!

We both KNEW neither of us wanted a serious relationship.

So ironically I was FIGHTHING through that emotion of attachment and fighting the feelings and we both were aware of that when the car accident happened.

Although I expected to still see him, and would have that weekend after the accident likely on his way back up from N. Carolina.

So yes at some level, the unsuspecting attachment and love had developed over that time--- just gradually and it was a grieving process of a sort.

Happy to feel like I am through that. I realized my paramater of whether I wanted to date a guy seriously also included the assessment of whether I could comfortably take off for a weekend to ski with the Marine. If I couldnt' comfortably without another being jealous it was not worth considering.

So the Work Dude always said "Your waiting for him" and although that was not true (as the Marine and I both AGREED we had no interest or possibility of a serious committed relationship beyond our frienship and shared companionship for as long as neither met another who we fell for and wanted that kind of commitment with), I think it occurred to me he may have THOUGHT that was true. Funny I just this AM realized that the work dude was more distant after I last visited the Marine. After the last visit with the Marine I got dumped by neighbor ( which was a RELIEF frankly!)

But I just wonder if the work dude was protecting himself.

And as the attorney talked with me last night I wondered if he is right and I am at some level still grieving the loss of that relationship as it was with the Marine. Even if it WAS only a friendship without possibility of commitment... Well, a friendship and a romance but still without possibility of anything more than seeing each other once a month- I was HAPPY in that relationship. He also did call me and talked every three or four days.. and then with greater frequency and it was alwasy perfect the give and take and support we both needed at the time.

So yes at some level there is a grieving process I have been going through. I feel like I have worked though it.

The good news is that without having a conversation the work dude KNEW that something changed for us both. Not sure if something is going on in his world, but I SO am ENJOYING the realtionship that is developing with the attorney. He is more communicative and more open and for the first time in a long time I find myself WANTING to connect more than once in a blue moon. My dating style has been "Call me once a week and I am happy to go out once every other or so."

Wanted that time alone and to try to get myself together.

Somehow I know the attorney respects my need for space and doesn't want more, and is NOT insecure and needy and therefore there is a greater trust on my part-- to well,, BE NEEDY ! HA HA HA..

Its so true however. If the man is not himelf insecure I can open up and be vulnerable and not feel like it will just be a total disaster.

I am attracted to strong individuals. I want to BE A strong individual.

I think it is just a trust thing. I really like the way the attorney is so accepting of me including my flaws and doesn't try to FIX me, and I think there is comfort that I can be more open as I try to fix my own flaws myself.

That does make me feel more vulnerable at some level, but it is good as it is in part as I feel less guarded as if I am really trusting someone in a way I have not been able to do in a long time.

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