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2011-05-26 - 1:57 a.m.

I should go to sleep.

Was up reading however a few interesting things as I am having a hard time of late.

Shared an article in PEOPLE magazine on Catherine Zetta Jones Bi Polar II Diagnosis which I thought was a good one with a friend who certainly shows all the symptoms- as I think I also show.

Yet despite the real symptoms at times, I am most upset that at work I am being criticized for ostensibly not doing what was asked when there was a clear case of me being told to do one thing and then ALSO told to do another opposing thing such that no matter what I did it would be criticized.

It's that "Double Speak" Tactic, and I hope is not INTENTIONAL but just simple careless human error.

Trouble is that I feel that sense of learned helplessness of late as no matter what I do it is not good enough and criticized. The problem is it makes me feel immobalized. I then take an inordinate amount of time being a perfectionist. I need to sleep and not worry but this attack of my skills is getting to me. I think I was not upset when the criticism was FAIR and WARRANTED. I am upset when it is not fair and not helpful.

I addressed the Double Speak and was told I should use the "best evidence rule"

But since when did communication with a team member have to be treated as EVIDENCE?? I swear that is messed up... we should be working together and TRUSTING each other and not be attacking or looking out to PROTECT against our own co-workers cutting us down.

That makes no sense to me.
I was going to go to bed, then was going to upload a resume- but saw the link to this PBS program and enjoyed watching it:

I also read a good article as I hope to navigate KEEPING my job successfully! ( And although clinicians have differing opinions if my pressured speech is anxiety with PTSD and ADHD, OR if I am bi-polar-- I suppose it doesn't really matter as long as we find treatment that works! I am SICK of not feeling well!!
OFf to bed finally....

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