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2011-06-19 - 8:54 a.m.

Just deleted a photo of my EX that was on my desktop. Love Pocohontas but she lacks not only boundaries at times, but common sense as well. I was on the phone with the attorney I am dating when she came in and came up to my room and quietly mimed for me to go downstairs. I quitly said "NO not now." She persisted.

I went and she had a photo of my Ex she just ran into at a folk festival and then not only had to show me but go on about how terrible he looked (as if that was helpful in some way.) She then talked to the attorney to explain...which made it worse I am sure.

She has no idea her moments of sharing which would be apprechiated by ME are the kinds of things girlfriends may enjoy but not to EVER EVER EVER talk about the Ex in front of a new man if you can help it. It is seriously a problem in a new relationship as guys (and girls) just DON'T WANT TO HEAR ABOUT IT.

I got that feedback from the hot contract manager at work that he didn't like me talking of my Ex hubby(s)....

He still flirts with random messages... funny as he would not e-mail me and gave the excuse of that not being secure but he will send a random IM which I NEVER Get when he sends them (thankfully) but days later as I don't use the IM program he uses at all.

* In any case I know that he lack of ever communicating by e-mail is therefore not fear of it not being secure as he wouldnt send IM then either.

He also pulled the race card of acting uncomfortable coming out to Western Loudoun (after we did see a skinhead with a Confederate flag and hunter guns maybe he was terrified), but I think it was an excuse frankly as what he REALLY wanted was a woman to be at his beck and call to meet his needs in his place without the effort of having to enter her world at all. NO WAY... I have too much to focus on for that crap.

So regardless of the fact he treated me well and would take me out to dinner or a movie and I enjoyed time with him and his roommate and his roomie's kid, and I enjoyed entering his world when we would hang out once or twice a week or every other- and it was a nice casual dating relationship- I AM NOT into a dating relationship with a dude who can NEVER be comfortable hanging out watching a movie in my home once in a while or coming with me to MY STOMPING GROUNDS to meet my friends in my world.

He was irritated the one time he was going to come to my place and it was so beautiful I suggested stopping of at friends' winery to meet them, or going to Bear's Den for a hike, or something else... and he was aggravated.

Tells me he is another one of those narcissistic personalities whois a man that will be good company and treat a woman like a lady and very well however it will be fine if she goes along with him setting the agenda and making all the plans. Thing about men like that is that EARLY ON in a relationship they will do ANYTHING a woman suggests- so sure he did meet me at the movies, at the bookstore and at places I suggested the first months of seeing him. But once the guy is COMFORTABLE and thinks the girl is into him, his true colors come out of being a controller and having to be the one doing all the planning and having things his way all the time.

You need at least eight months to a year of dating before that phase gets hit. It was hit with both the neighbor where at eight or nine months he was more HONEST about letting his guard down and revealing himself. And boy did I not like what I saw then: Disparaging comments about "those Mexicans who can't speak English at McDonalds. They should have to learn."

There were other really xenophobic and what I considered prejudiced bordering on racist comments that motivated a blow our argument. That man was ANGRY that his kid was taking SPANISH as part of the curriculum and being tested on it! He was hot about that and we had an ugly debate.

Main point: Did the guy even NOTICE WHO I AM???


Clearly physical attractiveness and me living down the street and him hoping to get laid regularly had something to do with it. Hmmm... Perhaps ALL To do with it!

So he was disappointed that after months I still was NEVER inviting him to stay the night, and NEVER woke up in his place ( but for the few nights when I borrowed his internet connectivity last July and slept on the couch and was holed up working on an RFP ALL WEEKEND with no interaction with him at all !! My internet connectivity wasn't on yet and it WAS nice he was gracious about letting me camp out over my work there.)

I mean was the dude even LISTENING to what is IMPORTANT TO ME and my life goals, previous work and aspirations???DID he MISS THE PART of IMMIGRATION Work at Refugee Centers??? Did he miss the part of current volunteer work helping immigrants at a center in Fairfax navigate the process of application for visas? Did he miss the part about me having bi-racial children (despite the fact he has been great toward them)? Did he miss the part about me being a bit sensitive when one is making race based generalities and negative prejudicial comments?

Now after about the SAME time of dating the hot contract manager from work, we hit the same point:

The point at which the person no longer does all the things they did to COURT one and settles into the honesty of who they are and what they REALLY want out of a relationship.

And yes, the hot contract manager too is really just looking for a good lay once in a while.

He at least is MORE HONEST about his goals in a relationship.

He at least was always very respectful in going through the dating rituals to PRETEND to be interested in other things in order to get what he wants.

He and I TALK about dating behavior and he is fun as we BOTH Love to analyze people.

He's old fashioned in many ways.
I LOVE Actually that his priorities ARE straight. I LOVE that his kids come first, as mine do.
I LOVE THat he was NOT selfish in demanding attention.

I love that he understood the old fashioned 90 Day Rule... ( HA HA We joked about that one.... I told him early on if he was interested in dating me great but I live by that and sometimes it might be even LONGER than that time frame.)

So typically- that early phase of dating- before being physically involved was honestly THE BEST part of our dating over the past year.

I tell women this ALL THE TIME!!


( So few listen!)

That next phase can ALSO be great.

* Hot CM would be disappointed and his pride would be hurt to learn that was not so hot with him.

OH Well...

I just am not into spending time with selfish men.

And one can tell if a lover is a selfish lover, that they are likely in the end going to be self centered in other areas of life.

The selfish lover is not open to learning what a woman would like. The selfish lover tries to direct and be in control and not open to the flow of spontaneity.

The selfish lover tries to PLAN everything and I am telling you the best lovemaking and the best relationships are NOT THOSE That you can be linear and plan each moment of.

I mean making love to a planner who is mapping out each move and directing each move is just absolutely terrible.

That was the FIRST SIGN of narcissism in the contract manager.

And then shortly thereafter as he was settling and comfortable the other signs emerged.

The lack of willingness to do things I SUGGESTED.

Of course he STILL treated me well in the sense of the traditional dating behavior-- I mean after the first few times of me getting LOST when trying to meet him at a restaurant in Reston Town Center ( HOW HARD CAN THAT BE??? I WAS ON HOUR LATE. HE WAITED)- he drove. HE ALWAYS respectfully dropped me off at the door, waited until I was safely in, and NEVER ONCE even hinted at being invited in. VERY respectful and outstanding social and dating skills.

He was always happy to go out of his way very graciously to pick me up, at home or work as I wanted, and to drive to dinner out at a nice restaurant and time with him and then he would drive me home, or I could stay at his place on occasion. But I couldn't PLAN to stay ahead of time...that was too much commitment for him. And it was too much commitment for him to spend time at my place. He acted skiddish. Clearly not a monogamous man as he was one of those who didn't want any sign of me ever LEFT at his place. That was OK too as he was HONEST and didn't pretend otherwise-- so I had no issue with that. Commitment and not dating anyone else or being involved with anyone else SHOULD come only after seeing someone for a year in my estimate and hitting this phase of the comfort level when the dating good behavior ends and the person gets comfortable and RELAXES and only then can one see who they REALLY are.I don't think it a good idea to only date one person until after that phase and really KNOWING you are in a healthy relationship and then ready to be exclusive.

The irritating thing was however that when I started to invite the CM to do things it was ALWAYS A NO.

I have no room in my life for self centered people who want me to enter THEIR world but have no interest in entering mine.
That was the way it was with the EX Boyfriend Air Traffic Controller. He was AWESOME to me and treated me very well , but I realized that other than the first few months of our relationship- it was then all about him. Everything we did was what HE Wanted and he said NO to anything I suggested.

Now despite the fact that I DO NOT want my dates to spend time WITH MY KIDS--- I have a hard fast rule about that-- MY DATES had BETTER RESPECT THAT BOUNDARY;
and despite the fact that my I have no trouble with a date like the CM who puts his kids first and doesn't want me in that part of his world- THere is still room for sharing of each others world without crossing the boundary of the children. There is alot of room to support each other and do things together in BOTH SPACES.

Now that was not happening with the hot CM.

I am very happy with my dating relationship with the attorney at this juncture.

He seems to have a greater balance of the willingness to enter my world but not pushing my boundary. I am SO HAPPY he has no desire for me to meet HIS KIDS. Good sign as we are at the same place emotionally.

He did meet my girls on one occasion and I was pleased with the interaction as he didn't need ANY ATTENTION. He introduced himself "Hello, I am the driver today" which was PERFECT. He then said NOTHING to them but was polite and unobtrusive. (Unlike the neighbor who WANTED to be LIKED by them and tried WAY TOO HARD.)

I had been disappointed I couldn't drive the girls to an award ceremony for an art contest they won a prize at and their Dad couldn't take them either for some reason. So it was VERY SWEET that the attorney graciously said YES when at the last moment I swallowed my pride and asked for help.

The girls were THRILLED that they went and got their prizes of bird houses, and the awards. It was really special and important to Sadie and Raitlin who won the prizes. All four loved the event and got to climb a tree with a climbing harness. Katie and I swapped clothes as she was wearing one of her fashion plate ensembles- very hippy gypsy like with flowing scarf and all which is her norm, but I had on jeans and a T SHIRT and sneakers. We traded clothes and shoes in the bathroom so she could climb the tree and it was a great day for us together. She totally got a kick out of that- as I was wearing her flamboyant artistic outfit (she comes up with the best outfits) and we rigged a belt up somehow to hold my jeans on her.

Speaking of the kids: Sadie enjoyed her graduation ceremony and I was SO PROUD of the awards she received!!

She just had an outstanding year and won the Presidential Award for Academic Excellence:

I am also proud that Sadie was a representative at the Loudoun County Spelling Bee. We were all so proud of her accomplishment and it was nice that at the ends of year awards at her school she received and award for that.

Sadie also won a Math award for taking 2nd place in a contest her school ran via a MATH LEAGUE

I couldn't have been MORE PROUD! ( Sadie ALSO was particularly pleased with that one!)

I think that one helped her esteem most of all as we happened to have gone skiing the night before that test! I gave Sadie and Katie a ski trip for their Christmas gift and the only opportunity I had to take them without siblings was night skiing during the week when I had child care for the others. So we went off and skiied Whiteface and had a blast one night from 7 to 10pm. We got home around 1Am. The girls actually slept in the car on the way there and back.

I had told Sadie not to worry, that the important thing before a big test is to get REALLY SOLID SLEEP TWO NIGHTS before and to RELAX and be as happy as can the night before.

The cross country coach used to tell us that. Thursday nights were the night she said "I want you girls in bed at 9 or 10 pm. I don't care if you party Friday night, but get rest the Thu before a meet."

It never failed.IF you short yourself on sleep the next day adrenaline is still kicking in and compensating, but the FOLLOWING day one will not be able to function that well.

That was very validating for Sadie to win that award as it made her feel like she is REALLY REALLY SMART. I hadn't told her the sleep theory my coach shared, I just told her that time with me was valuable and that ski trip was important. I asked "What math test is it? Is it the one to place you in classes next year?"

She said "No we took that already",and said it was some math contest thing. I said "OK Then, its not that important as you took the placement one. You are REALLY SMART so you will do just fine. Let's go skiing"

Sadie was just BEAMING when she got that award for her math score! She was VERY PROUD as I said "WAY TO GO SMARTIE!!"

Sadie also received an award for having represented her school at All County Chorus.

So proud of my well rounded wonderful kids!

Raitlin also was beaming with pride as she won awards for her class grade for her consistent effort and as the teacher said "going above and beyond" in Art Class, as well as Music Class.

Raitlin is happy she will be attending the gifted program next year as Katie did this year. Sadie is the only one who had not been identified and placed in that program, but considering she won so many academic awards for her school preformance I think her esteem is OK. We had spent alot of time talking about that in the counselors office last weekend as she was upset that her sister was identified and she was overlooked. I told her that shy kids OFTEN get overlooked but it doesn't mean they are not as smart. The counselor helped her with that as it was really upsetting to her, however winning all the end of school awards likely helped her most of all as she was acknowledged for her accomplishments, hard work and the fact she is a very bright girl.

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