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2011-06-21 - 10:59 p.m.

Sadie was very proud to tell me that it was ELEVEN award certificates that she had after her end of year ceremony! True I did not count.

I am so very proud of her!
I am also proud of Raitlin as well who was beaming with joy at her awards.

I felt the pain of Katie who was looking jealous as each of her classmates was called as she didn't receive any. I was concerned to watch her physical expression of disappointment and the jealousy on her face. Its hard to watch a kid who has trouble with being happy for the other kids. She really struggles with that empathy quotient and it was apparent she was having a hard time not having won anything that day and watching her sisters go up for awards.

Alexy also won a few for her class.She has THE BEST teacher ever who worked really hard with all the kids so they could earn math awards. It was cute as the other grades had a handful of kids who won a particular math award, but almost ALL the first grade class received the one for their grade as that teacher made it a priority to work with them on it.

I have to wrap up one last work thing after having taken a break after dinner and getting the little kids in bed to talk to Katerina and Soren.

I feel better about work today after meeting with my boss. She is very focused on improving my skills- as she should be. She wondered why I was suggesting possibility of a job swap of working in another group and when I said "Well I would rather have the chance to see if I can meet the expectations elsewhere .If not then it is clear I don't have what it takes- but if I can , then it would make sense to find a place where my skill set and ability is meeting expectations than remaining in a spot where others are frustrated and resenting time to review my work. Also, my motivation is currently affected by only receiving negative feedback and it would be nice to work in a place where I feel like my effort is apprechiated."

I feel better as I did receive futher insight into the methods of my boss, who responded by commenting about how she doesn't care about how people "feel" and thinks it interesting I focused on that in a few of our conversations, and who reiterated she wants to focus on skills.

The insight is that perhaps my job is NOT precarious. Her style is NOT that of doling out praise. She reminds me actually of Soren's theater teacher who is just AMAZING. She gets the kids to rise to the level of professionalism and skill at their craft and maturity at an incredibly young age. She doesn't do so by praise- but rather the steady stream of constructive criticism. The performance in the end speaks for itself. When Soren and his co-horts received 5 or 6 articles of positive theater reviews and praise all over town, and on a radio show, and had sold out shows where they had to turn folks away, and turned a profit- Well- As my boss says "Your preformance speaks for itself."

She mentioned that today. I told her why I felt the need to defend myself, as I have felt like my job is on the line and I have been just terrified of losing it. Not because I am not confident I can land another equally good job. I did get a call when I sent out only two resumes a few months ago. I sent out one resume for a board position last week and I have a board meeting to attend coming up-so it is NOT insecurity that makes me terrified of being set up to be gotten rid of: NO, as I told her- it is two things:
1. Paranoia ( Yes I still have moments. I didn't eat lunch today and when she wasn't available to meet at 3pm as planned I recognized my brain started on the hyperkinetic paranoia moment. I felt the need to defend myself.)and
2.I have worked too damn hard to be GOOD at my job to give up this. I LOVE the company I work for. I might have issues- and yes ALOT of them at times, but in the end , I do think I am A GOOD CONTRACT MANAGER.

As I told her: If there is any question as to whether my ability and skill set is an asset to this company, then consider a job swap for a time frame to have an objective way to evaluate if the issues are with ME or with OUR GROUP. Now I made it clear that I am not in any way suggesting there is any managment issue of concern on her part-- but that there is a problem with the workload being sent to our group not being tenable.

Seiously- One of our attorneys who has been in our company for 15 years said that in all the 15 years he/she has NEVER worked in a group with the bredth of material and knowledge that we need to be familiar with , with the volume and pace at which we need to work, and at times with the complexity of issues we handle. We are a unique group that handles very technical work and I am extremely blessed for this job which I find so much fun precisely because the fast pace and diversity of subject matter and issues we handle does appeal to my ADHD self.

I also felt better after talking to the one attorney on the phone. I was defensive when she sent me a simple e-mail asking why I was sending out a contract draft so late after it sat in our queue so long. I was upset and defensive as I felt like she was attacking me with the question. However it was likely a fair question and I was likely being defensive. When I talked with her she said "You have a alot on your plate. Don't pick up so much"

Its my lack of trust that I get panicky when the attorneys say not to pick up so much work. I get WORRIED if I do not have alot on my plate. IT is a weird permutation which I am sure is not healthy and a hallmark sign of a workaholic and other addictive personalities that I can not feel GOOD about the peacefullness of not having alot to juggle.Its like my brain is conditioned to be in a stress mode that I don't know how to function when NOT in that stress mode.

In fact when not in that stress mode I then have this paranoia of not TRUSTING and fear that someone is literally trying to set me up to fail. When my boss pulls me back from picking up and juggling mutliple deals at a time I panic and think she is thwarting me. When the really kind and amazing attorney who has been so very patient with her time and effort to mentor me tells me to not pick up so much, I don't TRUST her and wonder what her agenda is.

Now that is cognitively what happens in the MOMENT.I recognize it.... not always JUST THEN, but at least shortly thereafter.

The other trouble I am having recently is that so frustrating learned helplessness response. Its the "Deer in Headlights Syndrome" of feeling overwealmed and not able to do ANYTHING out of panic and fear that whatever I do will be attacked.

So clearly I am being overly sensitive to the constructive criticism of my boss and the one attorney I work with.

DAMN, I knew issues in relationships would work themselves out and be presented over and over again until healed in subsequent relationships-- but for this crap to be happening to me AT WORK with my BOSS is not what I expected!

I mean, I LOVE the friendship with the winery owner who reminds me of my Ex Husband in many ways, as well as the friendship with the Italian Network Architect who runs our FED network whom it was like vacationing with my EX -- as I just let loose and enjoy the moments of being able to argue with them! I joke about the transference- especially with the winery owner who has a wife I just LOVE who is LIKE ME!! I get to yell at him and tell him what an ass he is for not apprechiating his wife.I point out all the things she DOES that he takes for granted and I get to point out when he is critical and puts her down without meaning to.I get to point out just WHY she is not motivated to help anymore- as when she did, no matter WHAT she did IT WASN'T GOOD ENOUGH.

That is the situation in which learned helplessness occurs.

So I find it disconcerting that is how I am feeling at work and that it is NOT ALL TRANSFERENCE, but the reality is that I have been only given criticism and NO PRAISE from my boss for a long time.

The good news is however, that today I realized that giving praise is just not her thing. I think I never had felt vulnerable as in the past years there were other attorneys in our group who DID give praise. There was a contract manager/administrator that I really do miss as she was a really positive person who really contributed alot of positive energy to our group. Without her, there is this neurotic tension which has been terrible.

OH well... I stopped short of responding to the inquiry of why it took me three days to send out that draft :"Because I decided to go Kayaking on Saturday instead of working."

I judged that wouldn't be a good response.

Nor sure if how I DID respond to my boss only and ignored the attorney was a wise move. I just know that I WAS DEFENSIVE and have been with that particular attorney of late as I have felt personally attacked by her. Talking to her was better as I think she really just WAS expressing the concern that she wants me to manage my workload better and not pick up too much.

I have heard that from three attorneys who have been concerned about my ability to complete things with enough lead time for them to review.

I understand the concern and it is legitimate.

I have to get over my fear of not ever doing enough and not ever doing WELL ENOUGH.
But for now I think I am going to bed. I will set my alarn for 4AM like I did in law school and get up then to do my work. That will be better than staying up late... I KNOW I CAN GET IT DONE THEN.

NOW for the inspiration which I listened to BEFORE I Wrote,for I WILL SUCCEED and will not allow anyone to thwart my success (not even myself! HA HA I may be my own worst enemy sometimes as I do think I work for a great boss who is understanding and flexible and who TRUSTS and DOES NOT micromanage Thank God!) I will succeed on my own!

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