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2011-07-27 - 3:08 p.m.

I think it was in the airport on the way home from Montana that the first thought of the air traffic controller hit me. I realized that going hiking to Glacier National Park was something I was looking forward to,but that I hadn't really realized that park was in Montana until looking at plans to fly into Kalispell. The first thought hiking in Montana evoked was of my daughter's boyfriend who was her friend but missed her when biking to Montana last summer. He sent a postcard here at my house from Montana for her. When I thought of Montana the memory of the Playbill notes at their HS Musical that the kids and families pay for to send a loving message that included one from him to her, that simply said "Montana" came to my mind.

It was SUPPOSSED to be their own private communication- but I knew what it meant and it made me smile. It was the reminder of when and where he knew he loved her and didn't want to be just friends, but wanted to be her boyfriend. They started dating again in October after they were both settled back in school that Fall of Senior year.

It made me smile the thought I would be hiking Montana, the place he loved.

So it was kinda cool for me to realze suddenly when in the airport on the way home and talking to another of my hiking group who was on my flight about flight delays-- that it was in fact Montana the my EX Boyfriend had gone to when he ran that add to try to pick up other women while he vacationed there! He was pretending to be from there and clearly trying to set up a fling with some unsuspecting woman he corresponded with and likely pretended he was in that area.( Heck his profile claimed he lived there.) The fact I just realized in that moment that I was REALLY OVER HIM really made me smile! Getting over the loss of a love is a process and it is REALLY NICE when one knows they haven't though of the person in such a long time that they can't recall the last time they crossed their mind. When I first went on the back country treck to Shenandoah National Park it was a cathartic experience to heal and to also PROVE MYSELF! I didn't NEED him. I was CAPABLE. I didn't believe the CRAP he was telling me ( that reminded me of my ex-husband acting like I wasn't good enough)that "You couldn't handle this. I can't take YOU I am back country camping and hiking." My initial backcountry treck was a "FUCK YOU I CAN DO THIS TOO" trip. Yes that too was childish. But it was also Empowering and HEALING. And the amazing thing is that I DO consiously choose to undertake activities in a consious effort to overcome hurt and wounding. I NEVER want my last memory of ANYTHING or ANY PLACE to be that of the hurt or fear or rejection I felt in something associated with the activity, place or idea. And I swear this re-programming the response to experieces with more recent memories that REPLACE the brain's first thought at an idea WORKS! The realization that the hiking trip to Montana was SOLELY MINE and not about or for anyone else was SO NICE. The trip to Colorado was similar- and very important to to have that alone time to really heal. What makes me write of this today however is the thought that my Ex Boyfriend listened to me vent about my fears of my competence at my job as I strove to get better and better at it. And in that process HE started to feel it was a possibility I would lose it. HE didn't encourage me that I was capable and smart ( like Art always did) but rather he seemed to take on my fears and then they grew in his mind. I DID feel better after venting to him, and I felt loved and supported- but then he was left worried. I apparently brought HIM stress while his act of listening was bringing me calmness. And he said in the end it was the lack of calmn peaceful life and constant anxiety and instability of my living situation and life that he didn't want. He was also very afraid I would be laid off and I was angry when he called months later and the FIRST question he asked was about my job. I basically didn't say it but thought "FUCK YOU! You don't believe in me and want to see if your predictions of failure have come true!" No yelled at him to not call me again and said he had nerve. ( But refrained from the cursing!) I mean if he really wanted to talk he would have called at home, not my WORK Number ( the asshole. I don't like personal calls at work so he didn't respect that boundary of mine and all he was doing was checking up that I had my job after one of the rounds of layoffs. WHY?? To validate he made the right choice I think.... and loser, he acted out of FEAR which is NEVER the right choice!) Now the thing that made me most mad is that attitude that what defines someone is their JOB. He was so caught up in that mirage. He cheated on me with a woman so much like me it was ridiculous but for the fact she held a postion in Immigration and Refugee Services at a federal agency so he was impressed by her TITLE. Very shallow.

So today I guess I think it really ironic that I am sure EX Boyfriend was just put on furlough. LAID OFF... Out of Work... and although not nice ... my emotional reaction is HA HA HA HA HA I am still employed. And despite challenges I STILL LOVE MY JOB. REALLY! I STILL do like working for the Boss I have! And I do still apprechiate and think I am lucky to have all the feedback from the attorney in my group who takes the time to give me her insight. ( Even if she thinks I should be further along in my skill set now.) I Still genuinely LIKE all the people I work with and am HAPPY working there, despite it all. * Although have to admit we did lose one of the best personalities in our groupas out administrator if no longer with us :( I also think my boss was hard on me in part as she left and I picked up some of her responsibilites and frankly she was BETTER than me at some things. I get it done however, and I think my boss who LOVED her personality and who is so/so in relation to me had been workign through that grief cycle! She was her right hand gal, so I think her loss was emotionally huge to her whether she recognized that or not. I think the criticism of me was in part anger being vented at me in a transference. Things seem to have settled down better now a few months later. So I have my job, and here is the latest news on FAA. Ex moved from air traffic controller command center to the main office working on some new NEXT GEN project so it seems obvious he is on furlough!

Yes that is childishto laugh at having read that article today.

And yes one should never laugh at another's misfortune. But when the other has been cocky, acted better than you, and acted resentful and thought they were carrying your weight, and when they then said they didn't want a relationship as they thought your life was not stable and they were frankly worried that your job wasn't stable and they didn't want to be in relaitionship as they thought SOMEHOW That you would expect them to take on YOUR responsibilities... I think it then deserves a HA HA when the reason they left was FEAR of something that then happens to THEM!

I alwasy work hard at my job to get better and better at it. He was always so afraid I wouldn't keep it when I discussed my limitiations and areas I needed to improve in.

I am still employed while both he, and the sweet mentor I sought advise from were both laid off.

Ironic. (The lay off of the nice attorney who was kind enough to help me DID NOT make me laugh! It did make me smile as then I could date him and frankly I couldn't be happier with that turn of events as things are going VERY VERY WEll!)

So I thought of a terrible revenge story. Just a funny twisted one to entertain myself. You see, when I was dating the Air Traffic controller from the Washington Area Command Center, it was interesting that in the WORST weather of snow and ice when all the planes were grounded, the ONE PLANE that would get off the ground and land was the one from IAD to Buffalo that my kids were on. That amazed us when it happened. Now Air Traffic controllers DO decide what goes through, and decisions ARE based on who is on the planes. But in theory it is supposed to be based on things like how many of the passengers are catching connecting flights at a hub and then traveling overseas for example.

So I guess it was when we landed on the tarmac and were on time but stuck there at IAD for then next 45 minutes my overactive imagination kicked in and I envisioned a love lorn air traffic controller holding a plane up out of spite. I thought it could be a kind of funny, tragic comedic pathetic story if I expanded the notion and made the character a real nut and write a pychological piece.

Some day when I have time I will have the luxury of carrying out all the quirky ideas I have.

In the meantime, as I have said before: I can't really write much, I am too busy living.

Back to cleaning my house. Laundry folding with a movie seems good now.

Friend coming over for dinner and hiking picture sharing tonight which will be nice- but I better get moving on the housecleaning as only two hours left to finish what I can.

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