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2011-08-11 - 7:30 p.m.

Call it instinct, but today I did not have good feeling.

I am always correct about that feeling that SOMETHING is up that is not good.

Now there is that contempt order that mandates if I don't pay legal fees owed to my ex that a warrant can be issued for my arrest.

Presumably that has not been exercised despite my ability to pay as I have time and care for the children.

I was actually very EXCITED That this month I has a fortuitous opportunity to travel and work ALOT of overtime which was SUCH A BLESSING as it was the light out of that tunnel of that legal obligation I otherwise was not sure how I could pay.

It occurred to me that some might not be so bright as to realize that if I am working I can EARN the money to pay that, as I see on line there appears to be a court date in September.

That indicates that it is likely that the fact of non-payment this month is being followed up on asking for something... HMM What? What COULD be asked for on that order of payment other than I pay by September the amount due that was already asked for and ordered?? I mean it was already asked for and order I pay $300 a month and that if I don't it is contempt and I can be thrown in jail.

So short of asking to throw me in jail at this time that I can't pay it and am struggling to make ends me since my child support stopped and my tax implications changed-

Well, I can't see what else could be asked for in court on that case by my EX.

So it will be interesting to find out why there is now a court date in Early Sept.

And interesting to know if there would be someone so dumb as to interfere with my opportunity to make the money I owe them by working my current overtime gig.

That is the shame of it.

Here is a chance for the ones I owe to get paid, but instead of letting me work to earn the money they seem intent on calling me into court.

I was so wondering why I was feeling like I am being thwarted at WORKING today.

It was the oddest feeling that I constantly feel like I WANT To work more and am being held back.

I had one assignment and was pulled off it and put on another but the rational didn't really add up to me. My instinct told me there was something MORE going on.

I think I figured it out.

Ce la vie.

I wanted to get one more task done in the workload that we have today but needed some input from another team member ( my boss). She didn't get back to me an I have been waiting but at this point I give up.

At least in good news the feedback I got today from others I worked with about my work were encouraging:


"Thank you for being so thorough"

"I am so happy to have you here, not just for this, but in general" (From a Manager I worked on a project with)

"A+" ( from someone I sought input from in response to my work)

and another echo of thank you in sincerity from a team member ( not the routine polite one but they were THRILLED with my work.)

Now yesterday I had an absolute BLAST at work. I really LOVED doing what I was doing. It was a departure from my normal responsibilities and I enjoyed it so much and found it tremendously fun. I worked with a co-worker who was a little more apprehensive about some things, and a little more detail oriented and neat about some of the paperwork involved the first day (surprise!). We got some feedback that we had to be precise and careful and to write neater so she was then MORE nervous than usual about my ability. I really LIKE HER and enjoy working with her but what is a bummer is the lack of her confidence in my ability. Now when the supervisor gave the feedback I immediately acknowledged and said I would be congnizent of that. The thing is the feedback was given to our WHOLE TEAM and I KNOW I am not the only one that makes mistakes. What bugs me most of all is that because I am the only one with self awareness and a really postive self concept such that I am not embarassed by my own mistakes, I take ownership and acknowledge them! Its so weird to me however that when one does that others seem to then think less of the person and ONLY be aware of the person's mistakes.

I find that exceptionally frustrating.

OH well...

Life goes on.

I will come up with money to pay the legal bills someday. But I really do have to pay my mortgage first. It would be nice to have money for food which I don't have today as I didn't get my company corporate credit card before travel which was a bummer. So I had limited means and am stretching it.

My co-worker was freaked out however as I didn't bring my wallet or purse and she was so bothered by me not eating all day. I was fine hitting the water fountains and was going to eat at the end of the day. It didn't occur to me to pack provisions which I totally SHOULD have done before traveling. OF course I WOULD have if I were not packing at the very last moment!

But I REALLY felt compelled to clean my house before traveling out of town for business.

It really needed a major scrubbing so I spent Sunday before traveling cleaning.

I stopped only in time to leave to report to my work site in the morning as told to do.

So I didn't think about how it might make my work partner uncomfortable. I guess it didn't occur to me. I often don't eat during the day. Just the way it is for me right now. I don't have the means to buy lunch so if I forget to pack, or if its a week without the kids and my cubboards are bare and I am waiting on my next check I eat very light and skip a mid-day meal as it makes me sleepy to eat then . ( At least that is when working at a desk job).

One thing I discovered in my temporary work is that it feels SO GOOD To have energy all day as I am doing a physical job. I LOVE my job, however the narcolepsy is MUCH harder to manage when sitting in a cubicle all day long. When working outside and interacting with people all day long I have MUCH MORE energy and don't have those nod off moments as often.

I nodded off only once yesterday which was awesome! ( The split second nod off when in the car with co-worker driving.)

So my co-worker sweetly bought me a banana and peanuts for breakfast, a lovely fruit and cheese and nuts plate for lunch and coffee. I told her I will pay her back but not right away.

It was a really awkward moment when she said she doesn't want to be controlling and she tries to mind her own business which she can do when we are cubicle mates- but that she can't ignore me not eating when we are working all day together (And I am not in my cubicle) so she is AWARE that I hadn't eaten anything.

I told her I understood.
I said its hard to not take on other people's issues but at the same time its hard at times to ignore an apologized as I didn't mean to put her in that awkward position.

I did turn around so she wouldn't see me cry a bit.

I mean it really stinks to be hungry.

I wasn't hungy then.

I really just wasn't in that moment, but I HAVE been and have not had the means to buy a candybar. But when I get home there is always food ( althogh it needs preparation.) I alwasys eat enough - but I didn't plan ahead before this trip to get my corporate credit card or to pack provisions and I just don't have the buffer to buy things myself and later get re-imbursed like most corporate employees.

One whole check goes to mortgage and the second three fourth of a check is what I owe in legal fees monthly.

So over this summer I had to pay for childcare, and the legal fees therefore were not all paid.

Childcare did have to come first which is half of the second paycheck per month. So what was left of the other half paid SOME of the legal fees and other bills but fell WAY Short.

Oh well. I can only do the best I can.

So I guess the best I could do was not be a neurotic mess about the contempt order and the order for a warrant for my arrest should I not be able to pay the lawyer fee each month because frankly, there is not a thing I can do about the fact my bills exceed my income but for continuing to work and try to do the best job I can to maintain my job.

Thats the best I can do.

If they really think it is in anyone's interest to throw this mom in jail who left her abusive husband because I can't pay his legal fees--

Well, I will not be all that surprised;
and think SOMEONE might then be very interested in "TELLING MSAFIRE'S STORY"

We have already heard "TELLING AMY'S STORY" and people are finally a bit more aware of the reality of domestic violence.

My story is one which reflects how even though it will not be easy;
and even thought life will be hard;
and even though YOU THE WOMAN WHO LEAVES WILL BE TREATED LIKE YOU ARE NOT TO BE TRUSTED AND THAT THERE MUST BE SOMETHING WRONG WITH YOU; and even though you might have days you are hungry; and even though you might be an indentured servant for a half dozen years to lawyers whose bills for the divorce you will pay and they then can afford to send their kids to the best private schools and summer camps while you can't afford the extra $1 some weeks for a Redbox DVD; and even though you might have terrible PTSD, moments of paranoia, short term memory loss, and at times think you are losing your mind; and even though at times your house and your job seem fragile and stability seems like it is so close but still just out of reach for years; and even though your child might at times REALLY HATE you; and even though once your sixth sense of viscerally strong instinct kicks in you can never shut it off again and are left with an acute hyperkinetic sense of awareness that is so strong that it is a distraction from focuing on your work at times; and even though few will ever really understand you again, and many will not even try; and even though it is possible that your abuser will win custody of the children; and even though more often than not others will presume there is something wrong with YOU and judge YOU if they hear of violence in your family



This is my story. Amy is six feet under and I am still here celebrating all the beauty as well as the challenges and strife of this wonderful life.

I have to remind myself of that and affirm that I AM WORTH IT.

I AM WORTH all the effort and all the hardship and all the investment of time and money and labor that I put in EVERY SINGLE DAY.

I might not reap the rewards every day, but I Know that in the LONG RUN both my children AND I will be better off because of my choice to have left a husband that was punching and verbally assaulting and attempting to yield power through fear.

And I remind myself every day that I will no longer live in fear, EVER.

You don't need to either.

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