Get your own diary at! contact me older entries newest entry

2011-08-28 - 10:57 a.m.

YAH I found a housepainter! The HOA let me know that they feel it prioty to take care of the TEAL pain that doesn't match Colonial Grey. After McGill got clocked in the head taking care of the porch and lower window sills, it was time to find a pro. I found one that took a look today and believe this one will really come back and do the job. (Unlike the other I met socially prior to my call to him who really just wanted a date, not business.) It's another Sunday and its sad to not see the girls this weekend.

Last weekend I had thought they were coming to me on Friday for the whole week. I called and left a message I would pick them up. Their Dad called back and stressed that the calender indicated it was HIS WEEK.

I mean, technically it WAS based on the calender in which we have them every other week. I had to travel for work so they were with him MY WEEK. But I presumed after he had them two weeks straight due to my travel that he would then allow me to have them the following week! NO!!

NO flexibility on his part. I called the prior Sunday after returning from the work travel earlier than intended ( but still on a 12 hour six day a week mandatory work schedule), letting him know that Sunday was my one day off and I would love to visit with them. No response. He DID thankfully have the girls return my calls to talk to me; however I am NOT going to use them as the intermediary in trying to arrange visitation with them. I have more respect for both him and THEM than to put them in that uncomfortable position NORMALLY. However when today he WOULDN'T get on the phone it occurred to me that if a child's FRIEND or a child's friend's PARENTS can let the kids know an invitation has been extended PRIOR to communication with the childn't parents, that well it might not be that different if I LET THE GIRLS KNOW THEY ARE WELCOME DIRECTLY And ask THEM to ask their father if they can come over. It is something I NEVER before would do as I don't want them to be upset and let down if the invitaion can not be accepted and respect his control of when they can visit with me without ever putting him in the position of being the bad guy. But in that protection and honor of him I realized there is a misplace value on treating him with respect when I am then being set up over and over again as the so called "bad guy" with what I see is intentionality on his part. So today after he would not get on the phone yet I heard him in the background, I did say to Sadie "Just ask if there is a way for you to come over today for a little while" He responded "No, school starts this week" I said "Yes that is precisely why. I have clothes I would like you to try on to see what fits you one on one, without your sisters her to get ready. Then what doesn't fit from the new clothes I will put in Katie's closest." Now Sadie understands that KATIE WILL NOT WILLFULLY WEAR HANDME DOWNS! Plain and simple. She REFUSES. Sadie however ALSO undersatands, that being a clothes horse and a fashiom plate, Katie will be OVERJOYED with a closet full of NEW , FASHIONABLE and approved by the Dad and Mom School clothes standard ( which we are amazingly on one point a united front on for the most part); and if she loves it enough Katie does this little self deceptive trick of NOT asking the fateful question" Did you buy these NEW or did someone else wear them before?" Because she also knows I will NEVER lie to her. Even the hard truths are told with me, like "Yes these WERE worn before, however they were LIGHTLY worn, and have been washed and are SAFE for you to wear, not to mention.. pretty etc ( fill in that blank, "smart", "smashing", "beautiful", from "Land's End and well made", " matches your hair color" etc.) She has come a long way and her longing for cool clothes has overcome her fear of germs on the occassions I have taken her THRIFT store shopping- which frankly I think a TRULY IMPORTANT thing for this daughter of mine who I can tell has been near my desk by the eerily neat perfect rows of quarters that were in a pile previously, or the color sorted pens and paper...etc.. However, depite my repeated requests over the past few weekends to see the girls after not having seen them for three weeks ( and keep in mind for a couple of weeks PRIOR to that when I traveled for vacation and they remained with Dad!) - Instead I get a message about what the CALENDER says. It is "officially" his "court ordered time." SIGH. NO FLEXIBILITY. And as he reminded me "The order says I MAKE the SCHEDULE" That's right. He made the schedule. I choose not to go into a financial hole or an emotional black hole of focusing on the negative and letting it implode. I instead thought positvely: We have had the three week period in which I don't see them due to the dumb drafting of the two week vaction period that he can have them uninterrupted in the Spring during school that HAPPENS to have fallen AFTER a week with them Life WILL GO ON. We will all be fine and no worse for the wear of this small moment. So I told myself. Yet, the fact Katie apparently doesn't WANT to talk to me on the phone is a bit disconcerting. And the fact no mention of the mail I sent from the girls. And the fact the younger two sound upset at not seeing me and in three weeks FORGOT why I couldn't pick them up initially ( travel for work); leaves me to hope I did not misjudge this flexibility on my part and allowing him his control in these small ways WOULD NOT MAKE A NEGATIVE DIFFERENCE both my relationship with the girls and their well being.

In conjunction with the fact one of the girls said to me on the phone "Daddy is going to try to get rid of Wednesdays because you don't pick up up" it makse me wonder if my giving up a battle to diffuse the postering of trying to frame me into an adversary , isn't working all that well. His perception of me as an adversary really hasn't seem to have improved, an this current actions really are those of slimy, dishonest moves to once again create mirage: This time a mirage of an irresponsible parent instilling harm and pain in children due to not being there for them That of course can't be further from the truth. If he would be HONEST with them and not put them through his mirage of PRETENDING he thought I would pick them up that Friday when he knew DAMN WELL I was out of state for work, he would not have been instilling that pain upon them. Yes it is real pain, sadly imposed by a narcissisic selfish father who for some reason has no qualms at using them as pawns in his war- a battle which exists only in his head, which he perpetuates only by his actions EVEN when there is little responsiveness and a consious choice on my part to NOT GET SUCKED IN and even play his game. It is just rather sad. OOPS I was here to edit and just wrote the above which I see I already articulated below! ( I found a spelling typo and HAD to fix it then went into the VOMIT RANT Of spewing my stuff to get it out of my system as I consider it sometimes ! HA HA My theraputic writing.. SO the below is more of the same written a while ago!) In any case, I really see his actions as nothing more than psycologically abusive to the girls over and over again. Fortunately most are resiliant. I think Katie is sadly the weakest emptionally and the most suseptible to both anger and manipulation and gets sucked in. Oh well, she too will overcome that eventually.

What and ass.

I mean he was such a jerk as to PRETEND he had no notice and communication of my travels and acted like he didn't KNOW I was out of town. That was bad enough. But to hear that he has done so intentionally with a MOTIVE of further eroding my time with them when the girls are leaving me heartfelt sad messages of "When am I going to see you again? Mommy I miss you" and he IGNORED my calls the past few weeks asking if I could come get them or he could drop them off, OR he responded with "The court order says... "and then a long recitation of the court order and how it says HE IS TO PRESENT THE CALENDER and blah blah blah

and in short the "NO"
to my request for NORMAL cooperation and navigating as co-parents, gets disappointing and upsetting to say the least.

It just irriates me that he leaves messages the night before a school open house about baseball but NO Mention of the open house. Of course I KNEW About it as this school ( Middle school) and as of yet ( at least before the open house-- who knows now) has not been brainwashed and tainted.

I did of course happen to have a dead battery when I went to leave work for the open house! FIGURES. Called AAA but nonetheless it was OVER when I pulled into the school parking lot.

Thankfully I just keep this all in perspective and realize that the continued attack of me is NOT going to END should I PIF his pre-existing lawyer fees, and that it is to be EXPECTED that as I was behind the court ordered payments for such HE ASKED for the judge to issue an immediate warrant for my arrest. He didn't but rather ordered my appearance in court to expliain WHY I shouldn't be held in contempt:Simple to borrow from Peter to Pay Paul only works for so long and now Paul wants to be paid. I just don't HAVE IT. I won't LOSE MY HOUSE to pay his legal fees! When he ordered the settling of an action in MAY of me to pay past due I had commented, "I am happy to see what I can do. I will borrow from Peter to pay Paul as I have been doing. " The thing is Peter said "NO WAY I am cutting you off.." ( a/k/a AMEX which was being used for monthly payments.) Really to keep paying HIS legal fees on credit I can't afford to carry is self sabatogue and economic suicide for me. As one who has NEVER been depressed nor suicidal, I am NOT going start that kind of behavior NOW out of FEAR based on his attacks of me. * OOPS I Did it again... was here to edit and the writing flow happened so excuse the repetetive rant as I just wrote ABOVE what I wrote BELOW. You have to feel very empathetic now reader, NOT FOR ME ( no I don't seek nor ask that, )but please-- send out great empathy for the kind, patient attorney whom I am dating with whom I VOW to not talk of any of this stuff... but well...have that impulse control issue. Don't have issues with addictive behaviors that other ADHD (ok and have to admit here GASP bi-polar) folks have like drugs, alchol, hypersexuality etc.. ( not the third is not an trait, but thanks to my Catholic upbringing and core belief in monogomy that trait is more of a GIFT and blessing due to core values and wise choices!), however unfortunatley that trait of loquasiousness runs strong. I can control it VERY OFTEN....and do so PROFESSIONALLY VERY WELL for the most part. (Some might laugh and object, but hey I was not a prize winning debator, moot court particpant and winner and damn good in court SOMETIMES without talent AND self control. It was the times in court I was EMOTIONAL there was no saving me from myself! In any OTHER settings I did NOT have that pitfall in the moment of professional "performance" REGARDLESS of my school or office chatter, which some just can not fathom.) So the next is a repetetive rant written earlier than the above when I logged on for editing but can't help myself but to continue. Dare say here it is evident that Lithium script seems to have helped. DARN IT. I WISHED IT DIDN'T. But I can see the efficacy of it. The ADHD kicked in and I forgot to have Lithium levels checked so my Good Doc would NOT fill my prescription. We mentally ill but functional folks LOVE to have those moments without meds where we SEE if they are REALLY HELPING, I have to admit. That gave me an EXCUSE To say self deceptively " This is good that I can't fill my prescription as I can see if this REALLY Works before getting sucked into a pattern of being chemically dependant the REST of my life on a presctiption drug I MIGHT NOT REALLY NEED." Furthermore, as I have meeting with my Life Coach next week and I think he NEVER met me FULLY UNMEDICATED I don't know WHY but I WANT HIM TO. I want the VALIDATION either that "YES YOU ARE FINE and don't REALLY need that"OR...darn,what I think is coming "I do see a positive effect of treatment and think the right diagnosis and treatment, with a bit of tweaking has been found by your Doctor." ( Re-iteration of what he said last time. I TRIED to counter it by saying then-- "But I ran out of my meds and filled them late so its been a few days without them, so you are seeing me without them in my system- so how is it you REALLY see a difference" but DARN he was quick to ask WHEN I stopped taking them and quietly said " Just be really careful on Thu and Fri of this week as the way they work , you likely still have them in your system and the lapse should show up then." AND DAMN, HE WAS RIGHT THAT WEEK. It was one of those days I thought.."Shit I SHOULD HAVE remoted in..." I WANT him to see if there is an obvious different. I WANTED him to see there Wasn't but I KNOW even well before the appt that what is clear is YES there is an obvious difference, and even I can't wait to get back on these meds! My appt with him is Tue, and the Dr immediately thereafter. I know now I will walk out of her office with a prescription and a sigh and "THANK GOD for Lithium- Its been a HELL of a week without it." My ADHD is not only full blown, but the loquatiuseness is OFF THE CHART. To top it off, my SPELLLING this week has been just TERRIBLE. That is one of the quirkier qualitative measures I didn't expect. My poor wonderful boss-- what she has been suffering through for three and a half years! The inconsistency, the great work followed by JUST TERRIBLE with funamental errors that make HER feel crazy. Yes this week I had drafts that had I actual down cycles EVER would have made even me weep. * Yes even me, in this week of no doubt a hypomanic if not manic state, was upset at some work and the one returned draft from her ALMOST Made me cry. But no, instead I bounced back in an hour and had the most fabulous idea for a new company. Lunch hour was marvelous as I had visions of brillance and VCs and my whole team of a new company lined up in my head. Yes it amuses me. And the really funny thing is that if I didn't have kids to be responsible for I just might follow up and go for it; albeit crazy the idea IS A brilliant one and YES I truly know the personnel, resources and connections to make it happen and YES it is NOT even a conflict of interest with my current employer BUT NO I am not mentally ill enough, nor manic enough to NOT realized I truly just need litium, 9-5 job I stick to and to go to bed early and not burn the candles at both ends and to enjoy quiet space of doing NORMAL things like sitting on a Sat night and quietly watching GLEE with my boyfriend, or enjoying time along folding laundry, doing year work, reading a novel, or if manic enough ( HA HA) WRITING A novel... etc..Just NORMAL pursuits in life that are NOT grandiose. Yes I know we NEED the brilliant grandious things for progress and wonderoud developments in society-- -but as Poe explored and I wrote about in my first entry HOW DOES ONE TRULY CREATE WITHOUT DESTROYING THEMSELF? I haven't found the answer to that question yet; and frankly I am not brave enough to seek it as I think in doing so I might destroy myself. Seiously , I enterained myself with the NYT Article on Entraupenership which had the theme essentially of : "Lithium or VC?" about how the hypomanic personality is the perfect one to start a new company and why that personality then SUCCEEDS. Then I happily go back to the office and am GRATEFUL for the steady , routine and YES BORING AT TIMES work of seeking whether my document I just drafted has any mispellings and if the numbering is in order or if I overlooked that on page three there are TWO paragraphs starting off with " 1. " and all the subsequent numbering off. SIGH. This thing about me is that I am TRULY Grounded. I am fully AWARE that while very gifted I am just TERRIBLE at the funadmentals of my job. Yet at the same time I SEE THINGS that others don't see-- like the error in a template which if not found ( that was in the prior FIVE amendments) could poetntially cost our company way more money than my salary. I mean I earn my keep in my job EVERY WEEK despite the missed "dotted "i" s and missed crossed "t" s yet I KNOW that my job is to dot those "i" s and cross those "t"." So I SEE THE DILEMMA. Do they keep me or can me, which I think my boss asks often. I am healthy enough that I don't delude myself about my actual skills nor about my lack thereof. I am acutely aware and realistic about myself. I am able to kinda watch myself in a hypomanic state or a paranoid state and find humor in the moments of what are dignosable grandious delusions (if they happened in one who was NOT aware of their illness) ; but which in me are as my favorite Dr. says ( who is ADHD and now I wonder about possibilty of hypo mania in him too)- a blessing! HE has said , "I guess I never needed ALOT of friends or people in my world as I amuse myself so with my own fantastical daydreams. No one can entertain myself as much as MYSELF" So the below is back to the rant of the AM. Just one more thing: Thank God for the sweet attorney who did share with me that he did feel some anger at my interrupting, total disreagard for his feelings and any part he tried to play in a phone conversation as he felt I just VOIMTED all over him. I LOVED That he said "I don't want resentment to grow" and gently then let me know how it made HIM Feel when I just kept going on and on and on .. I said after listening "I am hearing you,and I hate to make this all about me- but do you think perhaps I should go fill that prescription" HE smiled and said "YES" It is NOT an excuse but a reality.And you know, for the first time in a LONG time it feels wonderful to feel like I am TRULY LOVED despite the flaws of who I am. I have no idea where this is going, and know both he and I NEED alot of time to work on our own stuff. I know however he is NOT the enabler, or the rescuer, and doesn't take on my issues, yet is lovingly supporting. I know I had the opportunity for a date Sat from someone else I turned down and that for me, that lack of interest is telling. ( As the man I turned down was down right HOT and exy and QUALITATIVELY would win in a battle of ATTRIBUTES but that is not what is important. HE was ten years younger, has less baggage, is available, interested... etc...) I know I like this attorney alot as I received a beautiful POEM Yes nothing short of a love poem and a near proposal from McGill who is one of my sweetest, dearest friends. We both know well enough to not spent too much time together and risk the breaking of his heart. I am SO HAPPY McGill is in process of buying his own home and will have a project FOR HIM to immerse himself as he focuse on himself and keeps his priorities straight. We are navigating that friendship well. I know is is from really knowing myself I am avoiding the temptation of relationships with these VERY FINE MEN who whether they know it or not are drawn to me due to how it feels for them to RESCUE ME. I won't let them get sucked in or have a relationship based on a man being my saviour. Avoiding the rescuer or the enabler... Oh and that leaves the alcoholic which is often a HIDDEN trait but one I am thankfully adept at seeing clearly from far away at this point so I have NO TROUBLE steering clear of choosing that in my life. So back to the repetetive rant written earlier as I am NOT Editing any longer as I seem to lack that ability and KEEP WRITING ( and the short term memory loss is startling real as I am reminded over an over again, in part by the repetition):

I shouldn't be surprised by any of this.

But also, I am not going to live in fear and make fiscal decisions based on FEAR.

The fact I have not paid off the attorney bill for My Ex's lawyer or the law guardian, who incidentally billed the following amounts ( only PART OF HER BILL) for the IN COURT TIME she spent arguing in his favor that the court SHOULD strip me of my right to not only RAISE my children but my right to even VISITATION on Wed nights and every other weekend and every other week having them with me in the summer:

7/12/2010 Appear in Court $1,917.50
7/13/2010 Appear in Court $2,212.50

actually has nothing to do with the FACT I find it incomprehensible and immoral that a person can take a mother to court and then the COURT can order she pay the fees for a lawyer to intefere with what I think is a God given and SHOULD BE a CONTITUTIONALLY PROTECTED right to raise ones children; a RIGHT which should not be eroded by something as banal as questions of :

"Who has the cleaner house"
and "Who get the kids to school on time more often"

weighing in with weight that could possibly allow a tipping of scales in the measure of "Best interst of child"

resulting in the atrocity of not only eroding of that God given right but the travesty of the harm TO CHILDREN by weakening one of the TWO MOST IMPORTANT, IF NOT THE ONLY RELATIONSHIPS THAT REALLY MATTER in a young child's life.

God I have honored and respected the children's relationship with their Father and understand how important that is to them, REGARDLESS of his issues.

He is their Father.

Sadly, he seems to somehow FORGET that I AM THEIR MOTHER.

The ACTUAL REASON the legal bulls
( oops typo there but I am leaving it as the bills ARE BULL#*%& froma BULLY using the only means to try to control left to the abuser- the power of the court) ; as I was saying the REAL reason the bills are not paid, as I would graciously pay them if I COULD WITHOUT BITERNESS BUT LOVING FORGIVENESS for the SAKE of and GOOD OF my children.

I would pay them thinking "Forgive them Father they know not what they do"

believing that not only the law guardian, but every teacher who testified against me, and every person who believed I AM a Good Mother but who did not call a law guardian back or speak their truth, were ALL doing that which they felt WAS RIGHT.

I HAVE to believe that not only the judge and the law guardian, but my EX husband- the Father of our girls, have all acted as they beleive is RIGHT as they TRULY, in some misguided way, BELIEVE their choices and actions were for the good of my girls.

SO be it, I have submitted to acceptance based on real strong faith long ago.

But I will not pay off those bills when I have a late motgage payment.

I will not pay off those bills if it means digging myself into a finanial hole I will not be able to climb out of.

I will not pay those bills and they will remain last on list of priority with :
stable home; stable childcare; healthy food; clothing and the basic needs at that bottom of the Maslow triange AND The HIGHER NEED for the good of the well being an development of MY CHILDREN coming FIRST.

Those needs will ALWAYS come first.

And I will NOT MAKE FEAR BASED FINANCIAL DECISIONS when someone is bullying me: whether they are using the courts to do so, or otherwise.

I am stronger than that , and fiscally smarter ( although I make my financial mistakes as we all do.)

Running the numbers, no matter what I do- I haven't paid those obligations I have accepted and not even fought over as I DON'T HAVE THE MEANS TO NOW.

Furthermore, to pay them all off now will NOT get the albatorss of my EX taking me to court every six months off my back. He WILL STILL CONTINUE.

That is a fact I accept and have learned to live with. His choice to do so is NOT ABOUT ME.

So I ran the numbers. Over and over again. And I am going to make fiscally SMART moves.

And I think that in the interest of taxpayers and the rest of our lovely county, it would be a decision of an IMBICLE to choose to have tax dollars pay for my housing and food while I am thrown in jail for non payment of my Ex Husband's legal fees for the case in domestic court in which I was granted a protective order for TWO YEARS based on that judge finding EVIDENCE of violence against me AND My children, which was appealed and in which a JUDGE REFUSED To HEAR WITNESSESS or EVIDENCE That was IN HIS COURT; up which on appeal to the VA CIRCUIT COURT was upheld and I then had the obligation of the former legal fees for those actions.

I mean it would be ASSININE for lack of a more appropriate word coming to mind, for a JUDGE to THROW A MOTHER WHO LEFT AN ABSIVE HUSBAND IN JAIL for NON PAYMENT OF HIS LEGAL FEES.

I really can't see it happening based on MORAL GROUNDS, and when I evaluation not emotionally, not from a policy or political perspective of what that could do to how VA would view such a court; and not from perspective of Best Interest of Child which would make such a decison an atrocity, but from the simple FISCAL cost benefit analysis-- IT MAKES NO SENSE.

Those lawyer bills HAVE BEEN PAID.

They ARE NOT outstanding.

The Man who brings forth the action is STILL seeking to prove me unworthy of even TIME and VISITATION with our children. He is STILL seeking to create a MIRAGE and PRETENDING I make no effort to pick them up when he agrees it is my time to do so.

So I have to believe AT SOME POINT this court will finally realize they made a HUGE ERROR IN JUDGEMENT.

The whole problem with out court system as it stands today is not anythign more than the flaw of a linear system in which in which things are BLACK OR WHITE to use an analogy.

GREY can not be quantified and qualified.

Qualitative analysis of CHARACTER and RELATIONSHIPS and things that REALLY make up a healthy home like LOVE and FAITH can not be measured.

So we fall terribly short.

It is a travesty.

about me - read my profile! read other DiaryLand diaries! recommend my diary to a friend! Get your own fun + free diary at!