2011-11-17 - 8:43 a.m.

I have to go to work. I have to take my Nuvigil an frankly even the thought of getting up and walking upstairs to find it seems a bit overwhelming as I am so tired. Food coma of leftover pancakes that I made for the girls this AM metabolizing. I came home after dropping them off to specifically clean up the kitchen from breakfast rather than head straight to work as I was tempted to do. I prefer going in early an leaving early.

Good news is my Certificate of Achievement for "Mastering Business Skills" arrived.

The bad news is I never did work through all the material and leveraged the fact you are allowed to take the tests AS MANY TIMES AS YOU WANT.

So I passed the last module and then laughed that the THIRTY e-mails "You have a new grade"

I took this course once and failed as I was able to work through three out of the five modules of material but then ran out of time. It was the week of Katerina's graduation and I spent the time hole up in the hotel while the kids spent time with my parents and their uncles and my good friend and travel companion McGill who was kind to accompany me on that trip. They got to go to Katerina's boyfriend's parents home for his graduation party afterwards while I went back to the hotel to take the final two tests- both of which I failed as I hadn't worked through all the material.

I thought there was something wrong as I had taken the final one the week before and had a 68 and then when I took it again that night after the studying that day an evening and got ANOTHER 68. I was convinced it did not record my changes correctly and something was wrong!

I later realized I likely changed as many CORRECT responses as I did vice versa and therefore made no progress.

So this time around, thanks to the company of the sweet attorney who let me it on his couch and borrow his laptop after work one night ( and periodically woke me from my sleepy stupor)- I succeeded in finishing the class.

My method this time was to take the test, see where I started from after having done all the study I had time for, and then re-take by changing only ONE QUESTION at a time. So I literally went through systematically and sai "A was wrong, try B"
Then hit "Calculate" and eventually had a passing grade.

It was much more interactive than sitting and LISTENING (or rather sleeping through) the SAME lecture OVER AND OVER AGAIN. I am SURE McGill could do better on some modules than me as when we took a few long drives to hiking spots he was subjected to those lectures over the past 6 mos. I would zonk out in the car. He lets me sleep which is nice. I always apprechiate anyone who values sleep as much as me and gets it that I just can't BEAR to wake a sleeper!

I know I value it more as I don't have the same normal relationship and role of sleep in life as most people as mine has been more challenged!

Good, only one yawn an I haven't dropped off so I think I won't have trouble driving to the office. I hate leaving this time of day as it is my lull. My peak preformance times for biorhytm seem to be 4am to 8am and then again after 4pm. Just an observation that I can get more done an be more alert and focused at those times, but midmorning an mid-afternoon I often can barely stay awake.

I stayed at attny's the night before last and I enjoy doing so as he works in D.C. so has to get up and leave at 6am. So its AWESOME for me to get into my office at 7am and take that first hour to organize my desk and clean up the pile that grew when working deals quickly and flipping from one to the next.

My boss in fact may be brilliant in her management of me even though it is AGAINST my grain and I resist and HATE IT.

She has forced me to work ONE DEAL AT AT TIME.

That is torture for the hyper ADHD person. You see if I get stuck and then need to mull over something (OK Procrastinate!) I LOVE to be able to pick up something else EASY That I can do well and crank out as it gets me in flow and boosts my esteem and THEN on the coattails of that good endorphine ride of having just done something WELL I then attack the challenge with zeal and efficiency.

Maybe she is brilliant in forcing me to slow down. The hardest part is to develop the comfort level with PEACE and the comfort level with NORMALCY and not being in the crisis, frenetic state of anxiety and having to get it done NOW ALL THE TIME.

My group does have a really fast paced, high volume, important stream of deals we need to draft quickly, and proposals to review with serious impermeable deadlines to meet.

I have not problem meeting them usually. I think however she realized finally that in order to do so I was working til 1 or 2am about every other week as I did need that extra time (in conjunction with the sleep spells I compensate for by working later)-so she clearly has pulled back my work load and simplified by narrowing what I am working on.

Well, the problem is that if that was a good management method, that the ANXIETY and PARANOIA that kicks in when a responsibility is pulled from me or NOT given to me which used to be given to me is RIDICULOUS.

I think I am avoiding heading to the office simply as I am out of my medicine. I know the paranoia will kick in.

It kinda did a bit but I curbed it yesterday, but now I am feeling emotionally frail and sensitive. I am feeling the weird moments of being about to burst into tears.
There were a few catalysts. One in particular which surprised me was the anxiety that ensued when I went to the girls school.

Their Dad happened to be there volunteering reading to kids. Lovely.

All I could think of was Katerina's college essay that she either read to me or let me read AFTER she applied and AFTER she told me of her full scholarship offer. ( The first one, She got two- well one full but that school was Allegheny College in PA which was lovely but did not have the program she wants to study, and the second is the New England school she is at now!)

When Katerina read her essay I understood why they chose her to offer admission. It was beautiful and moving an she came through her writing as the amazing person she is.

She wrote of her refuge in the basement after her stepfather had hit her when she found a book on a shelf that she would pull out and read in snippets surreptitiously as it gave her hope in a time she had been called worthless. She wrote of her stepfather's verbal and physical abuse and how that story saved her life and gave her hope.

So when I walked in and saw the paradox of that same man who scarred her yet also made her strong as he is the evil one in her life who's name can not be spoken as it is too emotionally distressing and she can barely handle it, and I was expected to walk in THAT Building to spend time with my OTHER CHILDREN and HE WAS SMILING holding a mic nurturing OTHER KIDs helping them with reading and genuine joy at doing so- realizing the complexity of that paradox,

Well my chest consticted with both terror and yet awe an anger and hurt and then the feeling of overwealming paralysis as I couldn't see anything before me by my oldest daughters head being hit with a fist and the ensuing hole in the wall

and the hole in her heart and
the hole in mine

and the knowledge that book that was a saving grace to her was in fact a gift from him to me.

Foxfire by Joyce Carol Oates.

The movie of which is one of the most incredible Angelina Joli preformances ever in which she plays a psycotic.

And I can see the psycotic look of his eyes when he was in anger and know he has no idea of who he becomes in those moments.

Yet I understand that the reading to the kids is the other side of that same coin of who he is

So I mustered up the courage to walk in that building with the compression of my chest and the tension and fear and
walked past not looking
to peek in a class to see two of my girls listening to being read to,

and then I saw it was the class of the teacher who testified against me and sent a series of cruel bullshit e-mails as recent as last year accusing ME of abuse.

Bullshit things like a diatrabe of how sad it is the girls come in without water bottles.

Pocohontas' daughter was FURIOUS as that one came in and I read it unfortunately while she was here and she had been helping transport the girls so they would be on time. She had been the sitter and driver and PERSONALLY had been tasked with being sure the water bottles were all filled and in the car. It was her task to check on the girls and SHE KNEW that e-mail was nothing more or less than a big fat lie.

So the hurt is WHY would anyone want to manipulate to that extent? Why would someone lie - either a kid, or a volunteer who swipes the kid's completed homework or water bottle to intentionally make me look less than perfect (especially when I AM SO LESS THAN PERFECT ALREADY!) or WHY Would a TEACHER be so skewed that she either justified lying thinking there is some greater good OR is so convinced of a mirage she can't see the truth??

SO NOW The truth is I am a completely univolved parent in my children's education.

Truth is I can't name all their teachers.

Truth is I DONT CARE ANYMORE AT ALL ABOUT THEIR SCHOOL

Truth is I can BARELY WALK IN THAT BUILDING

Truth is I saw that teacher and went out and opened a novel and read in my car for the next hour until the event my Ex Abuser

NO WAIT THAT IS SO NOT CORRECT

I opened a novel an read in my car for the next hour until the event MY CURRENT ABUSER was facilitating was over.

He will ALWAYS BE MY ABUSER.

Plain and simple.

He has been enabled in that.

I am now trying to overcome that interaction and the oppressive heaviness and lack of energy and feeling flattened frankly. The dissociative flat line of coping in the moment of having to navigate such interaction is draining.

I am SURE that the fact I ran out of my medication as I forgot about an appointment affects my outlook ability to cope with such interaction.

Its just bad timing.

Thanksgiving is coming an I have not made plans. I don't know what I can afford to do and what I will have energy for. I would LOVE to bring the little ones to visit their older siblings. I had an invite to join the older kids, but that was before it was known I would have the little ones.

Their Dad was gracious in offering for me to have the little ones straight through from Wed night when I normally pick them up, over Thanksgiving through the following Sun night.

He has always been a stickler for following court orders without ANY flexibility so I thought it was VERY NICE that he was flexible and gracious is offering that.

I apprechiate it very much and would love to have that time to take them to the big kids. I just don't know if I have the energy for such a trip with them.

Heck, the drive of only 40 minutes back from visiting McGill's new home he just bought was tumultuous with me pulling over to manage a behavior. We left after my brother's wedding at 9am after my MOM UNIVITED us for the morning brunch and said "You need to leave now You girls can be heard all the way in the lobby"

I told the girls it is at least better being kicked out of a hotel room by embarrassed and motified Grandma than the proprietor or the police. Their behavior is just so incredibly terrible they way they fight with each other, disrespect and ignore me and yell at each other.

It's terrible, but traveling with my own girls is reminicent of when my Ex Husband's relatives would come and there was always drama an yelling and fighting between him an one of his parents or an aunt or sibling. There was ALWAYS some dysfunctional family drama. Then after the craziness of the fight that Italian passionate family are a few hours later all loving and sharing time together.

My big quiet emotionally suppressed Irish, Catholic but reserved and well mannered, fun and laid back albeit perhaps at times irresponsible " Ah its good enough" style family and Buffalo world were a sharp contrast to the passionate dramatics of the Italian American family.

SO it is a challenge to me when my girls seem to resemble that family more than the one I am familiar and comfortable in. Heck they came back from their Italian Grandpa's one time showing me a new method of whipping a kid he taught them. One was demonstrating with a belt on the neck of her little sister and it was perhaps the one time I DID YELL

I think it was

"WHAT ARE YOU DOING??"

She stopped and told me granpa showed her.

You take a belt flush against the skin then push it togetherso there is a folding arch of the leather literally buckling together then quickly
"SNAP"
to straighten it out and the impact sharply hits the skin.

That is quite a contrast from my memories of going to relatives and my sweet grandmother teaching me to crochet in her room, and bake bread in her kitchen, while my brothers were whispering "Doesn't anyone here know what that is???" marveling at the teenage cousin's rolling papers sitting overly on his dresser while my lovely spacy aunt literally WAS oblivious to the reality of what they were .

Yes the dysfunction in my Irish family is the quiet, peaceful, drop and and pretend there ARE no issues to address kind rather than the volatile, psychotic drama that I am amazed one can STILL IGNORE an pretend is not an issue!

I mean, I get the naivity an not being able to hadle things which are only SELF destructive and affect things like motivation and personal success and communication an actualization of talent and potential--

but the IGNORING of VIOLENCE is something I just don't get.

I don't get that when one has a husband cursing at her in public and I told her THAT IS VERBAL ABUSE

or when one is KICKING the family dog and being rough and I say
THAT IS ABUSE

or when one
SMACKS a child 18 months old in the head over an over again as "discipline"
and I say
THAT IS ABUSE

or when one drinks an gets surly and nasty and I say
THAT IS ABUSE

that is is IGNORED and not identified.

I mean, while not healthy I GET the ignoring of that which is only emotionally hurting one,
but its kinda like the Monty Python Knight going "Its only a scratch" when I see the insanity of a family continuing to pretend there is nothing wrong.

What saddens me most is that I see my girls come back home to walk in the door and ERUPT.

We had been making progress on that pattern changing.

A bit of regression sorry to say. Sadly that might have to do with having lost our family counselor.

We went to him every Sat for quite a while. He WAS VERY GOOD and helped very much. Just like my EX is very good an helps very much at the local school.

But alas the great counselor was accused in a legal action of sexual abuse of a former client. A 30 year old woman has pressed charges apparently. He didn't return my call so is either
1. In jail Or
2. NO longer practicing.

Now I was in the room with the girls and him and he was VERY GOOD for our family so it makes me nothing more than sad.

At least someone believed her claim and it is being adressed even THOUGH he is a VERY GOOD COUNSELOR and a VERY GOOD PERSON who has helped many people overal. I have no doubt it may be true. I have no doubt the reality is that even very good people have the capacity to preform the most terrible and inconceivable acts.

I think it is simple human nature that we ALL have the potential for both good and bad ( and even evil if that is a true concept one subscribes to) choices.

Simply sad that something occurred to bring upon the reality of the family counselor not practicing now. Weather in his choices and actions, or in the choices and actions of his client I will never know- but EITHER WAY it is very,very sad.

OK, off to work. I just needed to write a bit and wrap my mind around a few things.

I am sure we will get back on track in my home,but the relapse doesn't feel good as the girls suddenly are acting more and more aggressive.

A pot of coffee was hit by one and then spilled on me as she was angry and I happened to be pouring it at the time. That child however is clearly a bi-polar child and everyone else is in denial. She was happy moments before, an I said to her "Some people are good at some things, an others are good at others." I then made the mistake of saying she was an EXCEPTIONAL Singer, but and Average baseball player.

That went too far for her. I called her average so she reactively hit me, and the pot of coffee which spilled. My immediate reaction was "Are you OK? Did it get on you? Get the ice pack quicly if it did" as it spashed.

I don't think my child WANTED To hit the pot of coffee upon us. I think she just wanted to hit ME. ( Not of course that that is at all OK- but at least she wasn't trying to BURN while she was trying to harm me! She just wanted a LITTLE PAIN not ALOT!)

It does get depressing.

She didn't like the mutivitamin which was a nice one I spent $35 on some months ago at a heath food store in the hope it would be good for us all as it is a nice mix of the recommended supplements like fish oil and DHA etc which help those with attention issues.

I wanted it for HER frankly, but the other girls would take it and she wouldn't.

The purchase of cod liver oil and saying "You have a choice, take this oil or take the multivitamin) worked for about a week.

But a few weeks ago I opened the bottle and thought they melted. I was ready to give one to Raitlin even though melted.

I Was SO GLAD that SOMEONE SAID

"WAIT!! NO MOM STOP. THOSE ARE NOT MELTED, KATIE PUT DISH SOAP IN THEM"

Dad said to me last night as he transitioned them to me "There is something wrong with Katie. I am taking her to the Dr. as she is having accidents for the past few weeks"

Something wrong with her?

I said "Yeah there has been something wrong for years. I have told you. That is nothing new she has been having accidents for years-- something like ten years."

He said "No she hasn't"

I said "I have told you this"

Truth is I have told DOCTORS that.

I just gave up at some point when they then come back and testify as to how the only thing wrong with her is her relationship with her mother which is tumultuous and the suggestion is I don't have the parenting skills to provide her a stable environment.

FACT is that is usually WOMEN who attack their children's father's ability to parent and then bitch about how the good for nothings are not involved in their kids lives.

I sat in court disgusted watching a woman bring the father of her kids in seeking more money when the guy was straightened out , working and would need another part time job to pay his existing obligations and she was trying to throw him in jail. She didn't really WANT his involvement with kids really or she would value him spending time with them MORE Than working 60 hour weeks so he has no time to visit, or wouldn't want to THROW HIM IN JAIL for having fallen short of her expectations.

I just wondered why if what she values is money why SHE doesn't get another job and SHE doesn't choose then to work instead of spending time with her kids?

It just disgusted me as what I saw was someone wanting to PUNISH an someone unable to FORGIVE and therefore unable to act lovingly.
One doesn't have to be in love or seek to ever be a partner with their Ex, but they can out of respect and love of their kids be loving in their ACTIONS for the good of all. That would be accepting the Ex where they are at.

Loving is not trying to change or fix or get angry when one doesn't do what YOU WANT.

Loving is not trying to CONTROL.

I find is disturbing how our court system is used by some to control.

It was startling to watch.

I also watched a kid get pushed forward for a name change. The poor kid almost broke my heart watching it. I wondered where his father was who likely was pushed out of his life. I wondered about the woman who's new husband so rudely kept putting his hand on her shoulder and directing her movement so she would be next to him or in front of him. She couldn't even STAND in line as they awaited the signing of the papers without his control of her very movement. IT was scary and sad to me to watch that interaction which was so OVERT to me, and so disrespectful and SCARILY so controlling which was not noticed by most. I looked around to see if ANYONE else was disturbed by this facade of the joy of taking on a new name.

The poor kid stood there and was forced to renounce the name of his Father- to renounce HIS NAME an to deny a part of who HE IS for someone else's desire.

I mean the kid was a minor.

Why do courts allow such manipulation?
I really just don't get it.

I understand a child being WANTED and then belonging and WANTING A name of the beloved who is caring for them an really a loving parent in their life.

Being a loving parent is not biological and I get that. But to watch the kid that did not seem overjoyed to be doing this just not SEEN AT ALL was disturbing to me.

That was so clearly not about that kid.

Going to work. I joke I should take am mental health day. I hardley EVER CALL IN SICK an in fact part of my own mental health issues is the tendency to become obsessive and the overworking workaholic. It is a form of addiction to shut out all else.

I am proud of managing that very well.

But now off to work. I just hope I can focus.

I can't find my doctor's number or I would have called as I have an appointment but not soon enough. I ran out of medicine and recognize that boy it DOES HELP ME. Even if we haven't yet tweaked it well, its better than nothing.

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