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2011-11-18 - 8:45 a.m.

I set a timer. I am going to write for only 10 minutes and head to the office as I am ready to go.

Life without medication:

Started to write "for a few minutes" as I felt the compelling need for my emotional health to address the overwealming feelings entering that school and seeing the sight ( which is in fact that sight I fell in love with and WHY I married the man) of the girls' Dad facilitating a little reader as she read to a group. It would be a beautiful sight. It objectively WAS a beautiful moment. Yet for me viewing the paradox made my whole physical response that of feeling ill, as I can not ever view him objectively. For me it was paraoxical as it captures the essence of humanity that we are ALL both good and bad, yet for some the struggle of managing our own bad is more of a challenge than others - and for some they do not succeed.

Which is why I think it so tragic those who have trouble don't ACKNOWLEDGE and seek help.

I WISH there were another way than medication.

I WISH I could find what works rather than being another "consumer" of the one system of the pharmaceutical companies who have lobby presence and are recognized in the system.

Damn buzzer went off.

I REALLY Have to leave in ten minutes but better get COAT on and FIND KEY and REALLY be ready to walk out the door before writing another word and setting the buzzer for what is left of that ten.

OK REALLY Ready Buzzer set for FIVE minute.

Yesterday after returning home to clean the kitchen after breakfast and then writing out of the compulsion to do so thinking it would emotionally CALM me I stopped and headed to work to get there at 11:20.

It was hilarious as my coworked embarassedly slunk in at 11:22 with a sheepish comment of some sort.

I think I made her feel better by saying I JUST GOT in, but house is clean- and you know how it goes I lose track of time.

I said "I will just work straight through"

Which is what we do often.

I got a call at 5pm reminding me of dinner engagment at Pocohontas'.

I AM SO GLAD SHE CALLED! I worked six hours, went to dinner and then to bed promptely around 9 or 9:30 pm. Awoke at 8:30 and needed that rest.

What is amazing me is that with no medication at all:

I hit two items yesteray. One in the parking lot of the middle school, where I then met the lovely bookkeeper who's scratched bumper I will pay for.

The second when leaving Pocohontas' and in the dark just didn't notice THE HUGE WHITE SHED directly behind me that I am sure was reflecting the moonlight so would be really hard to miss for most people. I am sure I noted it when I drove in- OH YES it was the hanging star thing on that shed that helped me recognize her new home.

It was a FANTASTIC dinner party as always with a couple we are friends with- so happy they are together as she started seeing her guy the SAME time I started seeing FAA Air Traffic Controller and we were dumped the SAME Weekend ( the same weekend our other friend fantastic musician who I haven't mentioned here yet was also dumped!)

There is a great photo of all three of these couples having been at a music fest the July before. Its funny actually.

They all look so happy- but telling my guy wouldn't be in the photo as he was ALREADY not vested and done with the relationship but CHICKEN. So the physical non verbal was saying it all.
The pulling of teeth proverbially to get him to go there.
(Ironically I didn't attend that event THIS YEAR and I love it and he apparently went and ran into Pocahontas who like the friend she is I am sure gloated about my new house, job continuity and kid's full scholarship to college and left out the parts about mental illness and court proceedings and kids flipping on me psycho like when they come here... She is a GREAT FRIEND and like a sister to me! )

OK, that's the ADHD Moment of the week and the case for treatment: Two items hit in ONE day. Record for me.

I am off to work as the buzzer just went off.

I DID stop to see Dr to BEG for a script to get me through until TUE when my next appt is. She was gone.
Got her card as of course I couldn't FIND her number ( and when I get to work I tend to ..well WORK! Imagine that!)

I am proud however to have worked six hours and gone to bed and NOT succumbed to the compulsive pull to finish not one but a FEW documents.

I was so frustrated as the GAG order of my communication being vetted to attny who must APPROVE my questions to a technical team is ASSININE.

It renders me disabled in doing my job! How can one work on something but NOT commmunicate with the team to ask clarifying questions?

I NEED the responses to know which way to do the task!

The attny basically said "I don't understand the confusion."

I think SHE didn't read my e-mail carefully. She is SUPER bright but I note if I notice something she didn't she DISMISSESS it. I can't have a ACTUAL contribution other than supporting what I am told to do -- and not POSSIBLE to have added value of an observation that is unique and no one else noted:

Such as the one I made yesterday THAT THIS IS A TOTAL WASTE OF TIME. THE EXISTING CONTRACT DOC DOES NOT REQUIRE any amendment If A is what is being one.

IF B is what is being done then it DOES, but the doc they gave me is the WRONG Vehicle to achieve such and needs a SUBSTANTIVE re-work.

AND there is a possibility of C

SO my question was simply IS IT A, B or C we are ACTUALLY doing?

Tell me in PLAIN English so I can lawyerize it into incomprehensible language that no one else understands in order to preserve the jobs of the 20 plus folks who support such process.

BUT no, I can't ASK the question as to do do might reveal the inefficiency and NONSENSICAL process of having 20 plus people work in DIFFERENT Groups to achieve something that was actually legally saliently done with the Customer email of FOUR WORDS and our response "OK"

which is all that is LEGALLY REQUIRED
and then billing changing an AMOUNT on a bill.

Its SO DAMN simple sometimes.

But I am a cog in a big machine that in this economy some want to keep big so they have jobs.

I would RATHER Have my job because I ADD VALUE at improving process. Not because I do well at following orders of nonsense.

I mean isn't that following orders of nonsense what resulted in things like Hitler rising to power??

And the infamous Oliver North comment "I was just following orders."

My life coach looked at MY Self assessment of work where I assessed meeting most goals of "100%)

He asked of me "Explain this one where you gave yourself 80%"

I responded "Well, that objective was in following instructions.I only follow orders 80% of the time. The other 20% they are just nonsense and I just can't bear to do so."

He laughed. I am GLAD I worked six hours yesterday , enjoyed dinner and went to bed as I HAD worked ten the day before. ( Didn't realize it but figured that out!)

So one super productive day followed by one where I am not set up to ACTUALLY work and be productive due to the remaining GAG order I made the mistake of honoring.

SO today I will go to work and do this thing WRONG. It's nonsense but will harm no one and they can get the job done and we can move on. I stopped the temptation to work last night creating ALL DELIVERABLES for every possible purmutation based on the POSSIBLE answers to my questions I am not allowed to ask and sending that to the attny.

She is NOT my boss and is just following HER ORDERS so to do so would have been AGRESSIVE and just not fair to her.

But had it been MY boss this time I might have done so with the caveat:

I can either ASK the questions and know what we need or GUESS.

Since told NOT to ask as ASKING is perceived that we in legal are CONFUSED and slowing down deals I had to GUESS.

You can either let me ask what they need as I wanted or we can GUESS and send out what we THINK They need. Take your pick."

We do have a broken system. Wheras the presence of Accenture ( keep in mind I NAMED That group providing process oversight just randomly at first reference but perhaps should rename them MEN IN BLACK yes that is a good silly psudo name although I am PLEASED there ARE Women analysts not afraid to wear floral as that is the strength of where I work- it is NOT an old school law firm, nor apparently is the company we hired to provide analysis an reommenations for how to improve process, prune and increase efficiency.)

SO wheras the presence of the MEN IN BLACK in the conference room near where I sit used to make me PARANOID and I found it unnerving and like working in a fishbowl that made me a neurotic mess, I am now at the point where I SO APPRECIATE THEM.

We will have a stronger and HEALTHIER company in the end as a result of their work.

I expect more pruning, but this time I am not even going to be a nervous wreck about it.

Accept the things we can not change and work on those things we can.

So off to work. The buzzer that was going on for the last twenty minutes helped. If it WERE NOT Set I might STILL be writing.

I will STILL be the first one in my shop in the office and today REALLY WILL work straight through til all work is done regardless of how long it takes.

And I will be PROUD if at end of week I work only 40 hours and no more and get it done. That gets easier to do when they don't GIVE ME REAL WORK to do but what I see as "busy work" due to others inefficiency and no careful reading an analysis combined with lack of confidence in MY Ability due to my VERY REAL Cosmetic CARELESS errors.

So help me pass the damn bar exam an managment courses and give me the role I am kicking GREAT at of a LEADER with an incredibly detail oriented OCD contract manager, paralegal or admin working WITH ME and THEN We will be a ROCKING TEAM.

I wouldn't accept dumb waste of time WORK for WORK's and Continuing stupid inefficient processess' sake EVER.

Yes I would rock the boat and some would shake and be afraid and some would get sick and some would topple overboard and sink- but some would be steady holding on and AFTERWARDS it would be calm smooth sailing from then on.

Yes that is the role of the Men in Black.

That is what my bro who is likely like me did at a bank- one that isn't full of scandal. That is why he was the youngest VP before age 35.

Off to work.

I just HATE the feeling of being unappreciated and underutilized and doing something STUPID when I look around at all the things that substantively NEED To get done.

It makes me think I would RATHER be cleaning house, writing a novel or rambles or doing something more productive and really does on occasion affect my enthusiasm and I am sure then PERFORMANCE at work.

But hey- this is a rough week. Case for the ADHD medication the doc picked having worked to a degree. Not perfect as it is not a stimulant and those MAKE ME PARANOID.

Apparently Lithium is used for ADHD, so I am not even sure if she has me diagnosed as Bipolar ( manic only) or just straight ADHD. NO matter as IT CLEARLY WORKS.

If I WERE Not late yesterday I would love to remote in today but won't as I did have to remote in Mon due to narcoleptic sleep need and the driving challenge, and then Tue for school stuff.

SO off to work and hoping the writing helped me vent so I can go look at the project on my plate with a new perspective. Dumped the negative one here.

I am going to make effort to clear mind of all and approach it anew to get it done AS ASKED without judgement and ANGER. That is the worst part - it made me ANGRY yesterday to have my input disregarded and responded to with "I don't understand what the confusion is?"

I AM confused as to why we are doing it the way we are doing- so will succumb to the thought perhaps there is something I AM MISSING and just get it done as told.

To prepare thinking: Sometimes GOOD ENOUGH is really GOOD ENOUGH.

I CAN do this the way asked and know it is GOOD ENOUGH and will facilitate gettin it done and codified so work can begin. EVEN IF I think there is a FASTER more efficient route -- doesn't matter as my boss has said "There are many ways to skin a cat"

I do like my boss. I appreciate her more and more of late. Even if she won't get me a PDA or blackberry!

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