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2011-11-20 - 11:29 a.m.

11:30 AM and I still have this headache.

I hoped after lots of sleep it would abate.

I always awake with thoughts swirling in my head for entries to take down here.

Its funny but as I fall asleep or wake up it is then that the writing in my head is done.

Stories, continuation of the not written novel, or journal entries that come to me.

I don't usually then write those down.

I sit and the moment has been lost and move onto other thoughts.

I am enjoying reading Temple Grandin's Thinking in Pictures as a laze about hoping to feel better this weekend.

I think I will make a cup of coffee as I haven't had any in a few days and the caffeine might help the headache even if it does nothing for the body aches. I also think this Advil is not really effective for me at all for some reason so I think a trip to pick up Tylenol is the big venture out on my agenda. That does require getting out of PJS.

OH yeah... Phone rang and I heard "VIRGINIA" as I have caller ID so it was local. Assumed it was Pocahontas who wants:
1. Confirmation or not of whether having Thanksgiving dinner she is hosting and
2. Blackford's # I said I would give her. She stops by to see Blackford and Buffy on occasion but doesn't have the phone # of either. Last she saw them they had no Thanksgiving plans so it would be nice if they joined us. Pocahontas already has another friend and her kid , so if they came it would be a HUGE KID FEST of 14 kids I think.

The lovely friend, lady who is graciously opening her home for Pocahontas to entertain has been a good friend to us both. Pocahontas and her daughter lived there for a bout a year when Pocahontas worked for her as her care provider as she is a woman with diabetes who lost a leg in serious complications an then had to adjust to life in a wheelchair with mobility impaired. Pocahontas was a great person to work for her as she in her bossy , pushing boundaries manner did not let the lady sit home and wallow in depression or being overwhelmed and feeling sorry for herself. Pocahontas dragged her ass out to go swimming a few times a week and to play bridge at the community center and she is a truly delightful person when out interacting as opposed to being cranky at home.

So I need to also muster up the energy to find my actual custody arrangement and see what it really says. Westley offered for me to have the girls straight through since this year I have them Thanksgiving and the weekend after.

That was nice, but I am perplexed as I SWEAR I have a memory of having the girls LAST Thanksgiving an a GREAT MEMORY of the wonderful Thanksgiving with Katerina and Soren going to Annapolis when we got lost on the way back from the Baltimore airport and I saw a sign "Annapolis" and said "Let's head there"

It was one of those Mom adventures they so fondly talk about when they say "We miss getting lost with you."

We always end up exploring and enjoying wherever we end up.

But maybe that was three years ago??

I just better be sure we are right and double check. Katerina and Soren seemed to think I was supposed to be with them Thanksgiving so invited me there after letting it be known KATERINA REALLY WANTED TO BE HOME IN BUFFALO after her first semester away at college- regardless of any official court order and schedule. OF course I said "OF course honey!" And Soren who misses her, and friends who miss her- Her lovely non boyfriend as they are young but wise ( yet he visited her college which made me smile as she told me it was the annual college theme party at the end of OCT "Dress to get Laid" HA HA She is not at a CATHOLIC college but a more liberal one!)

She is cute as not at all into the partying thing-- really-- she is so much like me in some respects. When there most parents left but I lingered and it was fun to see what a typical Friday night at her college is REALLY like.

She in fact would have smuggled me as a guest staying in her dorm despite fact parents are of course not to stay on campus "officially" as I didn't have money for a hotel, but thanks to Cato he sweetly took care of it.

Cato actually drove me up there or I wouldn't have made it and it was a hoot.

He wouldn't have been the choice of friend to accompany me there as Katerina would have been MUCH more comfortable had McGill who she is fond of and calls "a calming presence" or Pocahontas accompanied me.

Now the thing is , McGill would have done so- but then being the gentleman he is, he would have booked TWO hotel room for each of us like he always does when we travel ( as he did for the graduation and Katerina's lead performance in South Pacific) and he is such and amazing friend and but for him I don't know how I could have gotten there to be present for those events. But the thing is at some point I started to feel GUILTY For all McGill does for me, as face it he doesn't even get a kiss or any romantic interest in return and at some point I feel GUILTY letting him invest so much of himself in this relationship with me when I am not interested in going there with him. I mean face it, no man does ALL HE DOES if he is not in fact HOPING for the development of something MORE. And it's complicated as I can't rule out that possibility as I still have moment where I DO think him attractive but know I am just no where NEAR open or ready for a committed relationship (as Pocohontas does rule out such for her! SHE WANTS a committed relationship but is not at all attracted to him.McGill WAS attracted to her when they first were dating. He got my number when we met him, she got his- he called me, I lost his # never called back. HE called me again, I had a nice chat and in typical ADHD mode wrote down the number and lost it- Pocahontas and he dated for lack of a better word, for months - with him paying for all and her never once kissing him. So he got frustrated and upset at one point- and had to get over her. At that time he and she would go hikin with me often so he and I became friends and now the object of his attention is ME. We need to find him a woman who falls for McGIll!!)

I don't have the money to travel for Thanksgiving this year.

Christmas will have to do to see the big kids. I wish however I had thought about the possibility of putting the oldest of the girls here on a plane to send only her. She misses them terribly and is old enough that she could fly and she would have LOVED THAT. That would have been feasibly if her Dad consented and I booked a flight way ahead of time. To take all the girls would require a hotel which I can't afford.

I can't see crashing with them ALL at a friends. Its just too much and their behavior is not acceptable to do so after 24 hours. I think that is their limit for good behavior in another location. (Assessment based on the behavior AFTER brother's wedding when we were lucky it was their GRANDMOTHER that kicked us out of the hotel and not the proprietor or the police after those girls were so loud and aggressive and fighting and disturbing the peace completely ignoring me or their grandparents who attempted to assist.)

That drive home took FOREVER as I had to stop and deal with behaviors . A 30 minute break at a gas station, a 30 minute break at a church parking lot while a wild one calmed down and could be in the car without assaulting her sister who dared do something like lean her head on her shoulder when dozing... that kind of "normal" thing I have to manage with my girls.

On that trip I then was still making good time and would have been on time that Sun night to return girls to their Dad but then got turned around an headed the wrong way in Brunswick MD somehow.

They seem to have these new improved traffic circles all over the place which for the life of me I can not figure out the utility of. I mean come on, do they REALLY reduce accidents by slowing cars down? As an ADHD driver I can tell you a circle where folks get confused and at the last moment either try to make the turn they need, or they slow down to try to figure out the confusion is likely MORE Of a hazard than driving 15 MPH faster through the formerly STRAIGHT road that MADE SENSE.

Not to mention I get lost even MORE often with that great traffic device clearly designed by Engineers with a tremendous gift for thinking in pictures who must be near autistic.

So the great improvement is made by visual thinkers and perhaps helps them, but at a great expense for no utility for the rest of us.

And frankly, if a driver has those stellar pictorial visual skills it then is likely just a MORE FUN drive in the challenge which makes it like a video game so I can't actually see THOSE drivers slowing down.

I just see some driver getting rear ended when they slow down in confusion with that engineer speed demon behind them thinking


and then the engineer is at fault as they rear ended the bad driver.


I really think we need communication by BOTH types of thinkers before such innovation is a matter of public tax money being utilized.

The traffic control circle which cracks me up most of all is the one in the North of Purcellville NEXT TO THE COWS.

I mean , there is just not much there but a lovely view of cows and what I think are called the Short Hill Mountains if not mistaken. I tend to see an concessional runner more often than another car on a weekend drive there as it is a BEAUTIFUL remote rural spot-- with yes, the one modern amenity of a new traffic circle!


When thinking of travel I thought of the fact I didn't make it to my brother's wedding on time. Now of course it is not my family's responsibility to manage my issues, but it is a bid disappointing and sad to realize they don't even GET them at all. Just no understanding.

I mean although not their responsibility , I DO think if you are getting married and you WANT your sister to be at your wedding and you have been told she is narcoleptic and can't drive for more than 30 minutes without getting sleepy you just might want to be thoughtful to ask if she may need some help in ensuring she makes it there.

No, I am not their responsibly, but in NORMAL families there may at times actually be loving support where we help each other out with things out of love EVEN THOUGH we don't have to. Now my family is GREAT. Don't get me wrong here- they are VERY LOVING and will go out of their way for each other. They are just so UNAWARE.

They are just so RESISTANT to any notion of mental illness.

Very much like the Italian Family of my Ex husband.


I LOVED this talk given by Glenn and Jesse Close "Mental Illness is a Family Affair"

Trouble is, many families are in denial that they are the 25%

Now although not understood, the New England upbringing in me dictated that as the wedding invite did not include "and guest" that I follow the Miss Manners rule and NOT BRING A DATE.

DAMN, DAMN, DAMN!!! Had I brought date :
1. I would have been AT my brother's wedding and
2. The girls would likely have been SO MUCH BETTER BEHAVED as they often are with a male presence

3. I had at least ONE date I could bring who would not be scared away !( McGill) and likely a 2nd I could have asked who likely would have come (attorney who ALSO brought me to Buffalo to see a show Soren was in one weekend which was so loving.)

But I am such a scary cat about allowing myself to have a SERIOUS relationship so stick with that very clear delineated line that if dating and involved (aka making love to a man) that that romantic relationship SHALL NOT CROSS THE LINE of any involvement with my young children UNLESS it really is at a serious enough point where I KNOW that after a couple of years we are not going to get bored or sick of each other or he might decide this crazy family is all too much for him.

I suppose at some point I believe anyone HEALTHY would RUN FAST if they entered my world!

So unlike Jesse Close who has a series of husbands, I think it wiser to at this point- since I HAVE MY CHILDREN, an they HAVE their Father's who are good to them ( good enough in the case of the 2nd) that I REALLY want to focus on kids and MY HOUSE and have NO DESIRE to have a marriage.

Maybe I am just a scaredy cat.
But maybe I am REALLY WISE.

I think there is WISDOM in enjoying an awesome dating relationship, leveraging the marvelous manic moments that can make that AWESOME at times, and then letting the man know not to take it at all personally I don't want more- and keep looking if you WANT MORE, but as long as you don't want or need more I am ENJOYING our dating relationship for what it is.

I just don't want to see you TOO OFTEN and get TOO EMOTIONALLY Vested as I need to focus on my OWN mental health and stability.

Which I know explains why I can emotionally fall for the man who is OUT OF TOWN, and NOT RESPONSIBLE and who WON"T WANT MORE in the fantasy way as I know it won't ever be REAL!

I have a harder time letting myself get too attached to the truly wonderful men right here.

I have a hard time considering a romantic relationship with wonderful McGill who I think would do anything for me, and who frankly near proposed to me a few time.

Its kind of a running joke between Pocahontas and me and him actually . We all joke about it- she to me, him to me, and each to the other. But never when we are all THREE Together of course as I think he would then be embarrassed OR NOT-- no not likely at this point.

The latest quip from him cracked me up as I was saying I need to find someone in West VA who wants the Volvo and how I REALLY DON'T WANT TO GIVE IT UP. He quipped " I have a solution for you that just might make Pocahontas happy"

Mc Gill just bought a lovely four bedroom house in West VA with a nice backyard the girls were thrilled by when we visited. They were too funny going through saying "This can be play room for the kids" etc...

It was hilarious actually. They ARE the kids who will visit there.

The comment from Mc Gill about the solution to the Volvo was very funny as Pocohontas is on both him and me all the time how we should get married and we know that is because then SHE can keep the great friendship with him and crash at what would be OUR PLACE ANYTIME without it impeding her ability to date. Yet it was also understood he is SERIOUS in his joke. That is the weird thing- He is so old fashioned he would consider proposing to a woman he never kissed. Very sweet actually.

Now Most men just don't trust or get that brother relationship Pocohonta really has with McGill( and I have with him, but for the fact he fell for me at some point and makes his intentions clear otherwise). Pocohontas stays at his place often and it might as well be her new home as she is involved in helping out with the process of fixing it up and decorating etc. They sound like a married couple in taking about their house. McGill would quip when a weekend came that she was crashing there "I have custody of Pocohotas this weekend, and XXXXX ( her boyfriend off again/on again for 12 years) is back in town and has her Sun night"

That man GOT the relationship she has with McGill and was comfortable with it. Its the same reason she encouraged me to date Blackford ( who neither one of us EVER hear from now that he is married to Buffy- we oddly don't hear from her either except when Pocahontas stops by.); an the same crazy reason she pushed hard for a long time to both me and her on again off again boyfriend of 12 years to be involved! BAD IDEA!! But Pocahontas can't bear to lose connection with someone she loves. So when the relationship changes she would rather have the person be close to ME who is like her sister so that they can stay in her world! I understand her self centered social orchestration (as do we all that love her despite her quirkiness.)

Now the thing about McGill is he is a GENTLEMAN so would never push a boundary EVER unless given the green light to do so.

I half think he is just SO NON PHYSICAL and needs to work on that to ever get a date. He is such a great guy but TERRIBLE at the non verbal communication.

He had a co-worker he was interested in he took hiking a while ago, but then I heard nothing more. I think I need to make that man watch The Lion King and take notes at the song "Kiss the Girl" as he just needs some help to make a move in life sometime. They physical oveture can make all the difference if timed right! Now the trouble is that he is as bad at reading the NON VERBAL cues as he is at communicating non-verablly! HE just misses them!

Well I suppose I get it as I USED TO-- ( I think of missing VERBAL cues as when my OLD doctor I was no longer a patient of called me at home to ask for the reference of the roofer who just happened to be the sub contractor of his BEST FRIEND's construction company. DUH!! I Missed that boat! I am glad doc is happily married to a lovely wife now! But it was YEARS later in re-reading a journal when that light bulb went off of the call and a few other awkward interactions- when I ran into him at a coffee shop, and when I ran into him as he was out running one morning... I happened to be in the area he was at- no where near where I live, but the non-physical communication was clear enough then but I was a bit clueless at recognizing the string of "moments" and thought it was JUST ME that had the start of a "crush". I missed all the prelude that he had interest for a while.)

So I understand the just being horrible at reading social cue's thing, but I at least am not horrible at EXPRESSING my emotion an feeling. Poor McGill is just TERRIBLE at both.

If McGill hadn't written me some sacrosanct just awful sort of "romantic" poetry an found words ( just a few at that) to articulate his feelings I would have had NO CLUE he had any more attachment or interest in me than ... a cat comes to mind.. and he doesn't have a cat so that is a good analogy... yes than a STRAY CAT.

He is a bridge builder. Literally-- that used to be my joke about engineers- that we need bridge builders in the world so have to appreciate their differences, but I would never want to LIVE With one.

Mc Gill literally wrote some book on the topic of design of something concrete and oh so exciting I can't recall what- Platforms? Car ports?

I don't know concrete and steel is his industry. His company he worked with for 23 years builds stadiums and bridges. I am sure it is full of diagrams and pictures and would make no sense to me.

Figures we met him hiking Shenandoah as he is a loner with acceptable if subdued social skills , so the nice guy easily overlooked.

1pm. Time to get up and dig out that custody paperwork. I hope it is good news and I REALLY have the little ones this year and am not being fucked with. I have that fear of being set up.

So I have to check and can't trust the offer of keeping the girls straight through. I have a feeling that a man who would seek to get me thrown in jail when I can't pay his legal bills might not hesitate to manipulate and set me up to keep kids when they are LEGALLY to be with him and THEN try to throw me in jail again.

Kinda like the times he would call and say "Baseball at Round Hill" and then I would check the schedule to see it was at Franklin Park.

Perhaps just an honest mistake. But when going to the game to then be greeted by youngest with a snarl and "I hate you" , those moments always just make me wonder if it was REALLY a mistake.

Yes, my trust is gone.

Perhaps if that were not the case I would already have plans for the attorney to join us at Thanksgiving. Not sure WHY it seem so threatening, or challenging or scary to include him in MY WORLD.

I just think I can't bear another heartbreak frankly so protect against the possibility, and try to protect my children against such as well. They were upset at the air traffic controller being in their lives then dropping out when he did. I just don't want to set up such scenario again and think the taking of it slow is WISE.

But I wonder if that is just rationalization based on fear.

I hope not.

OK time to codify Thanksgiving plans. I think at some level I have procrastinated and avoided doing so as this is painful. It is painful to not see Katerina and Soren. It makes me really upset and one of the few times I cry when there is the inability to see them when I would like to be there- on a holiday or a show of Soren's , or a performance of Katerina's whether it was cheerleading that she was marginal at yet I STILL would have like to have been there for, or a school performance of the L'Armie project that was important to HER.

And its heartbreaking that if I DO have all the kids able to be together that I don't have the means to provide that to them. That is simply economics. So its heartbreaking to have a father rather try to throw me in jail than want to try to facilitate his kids spending time with their half siblings and their mother they love.

So I put off looking at the paperwork as I am SO AFRAID my memory IS CORRECT. You see the paperwork and custody and visitation arrangements worked out in the end that I would NEVER have both the oldest and youngest kids at the same time. That broke my heart then that the schedule was set such that the kids could never again enjoy any holiday together. Holidays are the glue of a family being connected. Even when everyone is busy those are the few times a year all put everything else aside and make FAMILY true priority.

So I feel like this kind offer to keep the kids is a sick mirage.
I suppose I want to pretend it might be real rather than face a possible painful truth of such bitterness and meanness in one still trying to hurt me.

And then it is ALSO painful as if Westley IS being genuinely kind , and my fears are only FEARS of him manipulating with some end in mind- well then I DON"T have the means to get the kids all together OR THE ENERGY and mental health right now to do so.

Frankly I am just not up to the trip.

Either way is a bit depressing.

But I will face it, read the paperwork and make those plans I have I am sure subconiously avoiding. I had THOUGHT maybe I would get paid and be able to travel. NO paycheck. ( I am terrible at remembering which week they are.)

I really did put the planning off initially until Fri thinking it would be payday and I could run numbers and manipulate bills to see if it was possible to travel somehow.

You see when each paycheck goes to a bank and then there are ETF to pay bills an one never SEES Money and never has discretionary spending AT ALL but rather a few bounced payments each month-- well it is easy to FORGET which week the paycheck comes on, as it hardly matter. It comes in and is sent out the next day without all bills being paid anyway.

Honestly it is kinda nice to actually be sick and have that excuse rather to honestly say rather than the reality of having to decline social outings as the gas money and admission is not in my budget.

I couldn't AFFORD to go dancing, or to the caverns or gas money to drive the hour and back to meet friends in Front Royal.

But that is life, and overall life is good.

So off to read the REAL order and ACTUAL schedule of visitation as the fact the oldest thought they were to be with me and ASKED if they could stay in Buffalo months ago is NOT congruent with me having the little ones this Thanksgiving.

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