2011-11-20 - 1:58 p.m.

Good News! Finally found one divorce custody order and indeed Westley is just being kind and invoking common sense that as I have the girls Wed to Thu technically at 7:30 AM and then THANKSGIVING from 9am to 7pm and THEN AGAIN Friday night at 7pm to Sun at 7pm it makes more sense to just keep them straight through.
Likewise if it is flipped next year when he has them over Thanksgiving if he wants to travel with family to NY it makes sense to have flexibility.

Just something not thought through when the order was finalized.

I apparently remembered incorrectly as our order is I have little ones in ODD years and he has them in EVEN years for Thanksgiving.

So its funny that Katerina and Soren were SUPPOSED to be with their Dad I surmise, but they like me ( and likely like him) all are likely all unaware of what the official NY custody visitation paperwork is as we frankly always work out what is best.

I think in all divorces people get to that point where the anger and emotional scars heal and they can be normal people communicating and working together EVENTUALLY.

For some it takes longer than others.

So it is a good sign that perhaps Westley is actually further along in that process of trust than me.

And a good feeling that at least I have one Ex with whom I don't feel the need to even find the official paperwork at all.

Now I think the stipulation in VA and some states that a married couple can't divorce until after a YEAR of separation is based on that same theory- that time heals wounds.

Now in fact on of the reasons I am not keen on being at all serious with the attorney is that I kinda hoped his wife would wake up, get over her anger an want him back to be honest. It would be best for his kids clearly, and him I believe as well. He has navigated fine on his own, but I still think it kinda sad she is still proceeding and plans to file paperwork in Jan. one year to the day she kicked him out.

Telling that he just did walk out and comply with her wishes. Trouble is I swear some of those bossy women who tell their man what to do are then truly really upset that the man doesn't take more control and be more decisive. I asked "Now what would have happened if you REFUSED to go?"

He thinks it would have made it worse, but I am not so sure. I think they would have ARGUED MORE- sure, but perhaps have actually worked it out.

And sadly I think she blames him for the end of the marriage and is oblivious to her part. She kicked him out! HE listened and left and camped at his brother's for three months. He tried counseling, she was resolute.

I think it sad after a 17 year marriage an feel like she is doing this for her pride and not because she doesn't love him. SHE IS HURT! He had a brief, fleeing fling of stupid affair with a old girlfriend of something like 20 years ago who looked him, damn near stalked him in her pursuit, whom he met, did dishonorably spend a weekend (or a day and night? I forget- it was a fleeting one time meeting) with her near Thanksgiving of last year- then made the mistake of TELLING his wife of it on New Years Eve when he had little choice but to let the then spurned lover wanna be whom he made clear he WAS NOT going to proceed to have an affair with as he loved his wife and wanted to work on his issues--

had sent his wife a message and text and was ready to tell her all.

He figured he better be the one to come clean first.

I believe he was an idiot.
I believe he was dishonorable.
I believe he was human.

And I believe he loved his wife and that she is truly the one ending the 17 year marriage out of anger and pride.

And I believe courts CAN'T Control peoples lives, but perhaps if it were a HARD FAST LAW ( hypothetically of course) that a couple can' get divorce for something like FIVE YEARS of separation and that if they have an affair in that time they will be shot like they do in some countries--- well then people would remain married !Just joking of course--- but the main point being that I DO think the theory of a year separation being necessary in the hope a certain % will work through issues is a WISE one, but I think many need MORE Than a year and if they just had the wisdom and patience to NOT GET INVOLVED WITH ANYONE ELSE during that time, and learn who they are an be comfortable ALONE an re-claim those parts of their selves they sacrificed for the marriage that both partners might just not only re-discover themselves but fall back in love again if they remained vested in the relationship and gave not a thought of spending time with anyone else.

I think that in fact is what happened with my one friend
I called "the DATE" as he was the friend date both Pocahontas and I would go spend time out as supportive friends during his sadness and loneliness while his wife went off on her latest affair and self identity crisis. After a separation they both found they developed parts of themselves they had felt were stifled,and they both became internally happier! Then they fell in love again an again have learned to navigate their marriage of 22 years now to satisfaction.

I really admire them as a couple and as individuals.

I understand and appreciate them both.

Now she IS bi-polar. She has had a sting of affairs in their now 22 year marriage. I think three or four. Her loving husband is pained more-so at watching her fall for the mirage and deception of the on line "relationships" she navigated over the last 10 years to find the painful reality of the mirage. He was pained watching HER self-destructive behavior and watching her set herself up to be hurt moreso than being hurt by her behavior himself to be honest. I think that fact then was even more of a wound to her. I think she thought if she didn't make him CRAZY with jealousy that he didn't love her. He is however SO Laid back and unflappable. I think that irks her more than anything frankly as she does not understand it and to her unless there is passion there can't really be deep felt emotion.
He has been so solid and loving, albeit BORING at times to her manic need for excitement and her over-active hyper-kinetic libido which is a reality for bi-polar individuals.

So she was NEVER satisfied with their sexual relationship.It was one of her # 1 complaints in their marriage.

And her loving husband GETS It that that dissatisfaction is about HER and not HIM.
HE gets it that the reality is that he is just no the Don Juan she is seeking when she is manic.

But he still loves her an despite that never wavers in his commitment, love, fidelity and stability of providing a stable, consistent home for her and their family through it all.

I think he is living saint.

But moreso, he is really just a human who understands what it means to REALLY be married and to REALLY love- that is about the choice of the commitment one makes REGARDLESS of the other person's issues.

If you truly LOVE someone you accept them.

Plain and simple. If you REALLY understand what a marriage is meant to be, you COMMIT and work through the issues no matter WHAT they are.

With that caveat- if you are strong enough and if the issues are not such that they will destroy YOU.

Some HAVE to divorce or they can not either literally or spirituality survive.

One can't remain in a marriage if it is so destructive to their well being or the well being of children in the family.

I get that obviously.

But I fundamentally STILL believe that many just give up way too soon.

Off to call Pocohontas and then tackle cleaning of the bedrooms. I am feeling a bit better. Think I have the energy to clean out the girls bedrooms and then re set them up with bare necessitys. Extra clothes to be sent off to Good Will or storage as they have WAY TOO MUCH STUFF. The past three weekends I gave them a list of what they NEED and told them to sort and hang what they want, make a pile for what they want but doens't fit and I will put in the attic and make a pile of clothes they don't want to donate. I tried to work with them but we didn't get far. They have been warned I will do it for them if they don't make the decisions.

So be it.

Time to clean out those rooms. I sent four bags to the thrift store last week and imagine I will have a car full in a few hours.

I have to get my house in order. It was the agenda for this weekend so hope to at least have some energy to get SOME Done.

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