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2011-11-21 - 2:35 a.m.

The attny I have been dating lives in Sterling currently. It was sweet of him to drive out here just to give me the cash of a loan to go pay my water bill tomorrow. The Automatic Bank Withdrawal set up with the Town mysteriously did not work two months ago. I went in and corrected the paperwork and it STILL did not work for this month's payment. Two months ago I was blindsided with the water unexpectedly being turned off when there WAS money in the acct to pay the bill and I thought it had been paid. I had to pay an extra $130 to get it turned back on then.

This time I knew enough to watch the acct and see if the payment processed. I noted it didn't and dropped a check in the drop box.

That too didn't process- mysteriously of course.

I have to go in and pay cash before the water gets shut off and bring in the letter from them and try once again to correct the error.

Reminiscent of paying the VA taxes twice and payments disappearing, and the IRS NOT BEING ABLE TO FIND my tax record the week the mortgage company needed it from them. (I had a hard copy the mortgage company accepted thankfully as all else was in order.) I mean the mysterious electronic transaction history error is NOTHING NEW TO ME.

I also had another credit card I was paying monthly on time that mysteriously showed 18 late payments once! I mean if one had late payments they would have shut off the account WELL BEFORE EIGHTEEN but that is what their computer record said (which was incongruent with the paper file and evidence of my bank payments having been made and gone through my bank account ON TIME those months)

All reasons that I think end user hacking is just a brilliant way to try to make someone's life hell.

All reasons I believe I have been end user hacked just a couple times a year- at a different end user location each time, in a brilliant way that one thinks would be hard to catch.

Actually in reality one KNOWS would not only be hard to catch but cost prohibitive. Heck if our society deems it too expensive to actually run tests to find out if a breast lump under 5mm is malignant of benign when KNOWING That 20% of those found WILL BE MALIGNANT then why would we invest $100 K into catching a hacker who is merely harassing one woman?

We wouldn't.

It's only one woman.

Just like we don't invest in tests that could save lives.

Its only 2 out of the 10 who find a lump who are going to be sick and likely only 1 out of those 10 who are going to die of the cancer which could have been treated when it progresses rapidly before the next mammogram.

Anyway: Email I wrote to attorney which I am inputting here with only a few changes to psudo names. He was very sweet to drive out here to give me the loan so I can pay my water bill and keep the water on which would otherwise be shut off again if I don't pay by tomorrow.

I am glad I wasn't too proud to ask for help.

I awoke not too long ago after sleeping immediately after you left. I took the Excederin Migrane which worked a bit- head a little achy now still but that may have worn off.

Slept a bit restlessly with dreams- this recurring weird nightmare actually. Weird as the night sweat feels like a breaking fever, and the occasional chills but when I took my fever I didn't measure one. (But then again I haven't taken it in a while, and not when sleeping) AH thermometer right here and 96.7 temp so clearly not a high temperature. Low in fact.

Awoke from the dream which didn't end --- same as last time I think which is why it's a nightmare as it basically is this weird horror like scene where I feel very threatened then wake up terrified as I don't know how it ends (meaning being safe or if the threat was real)

Not like me to have nightmares, but that happened this week. Kind of another indication the medication worked that I ran out of.

It's weird as the dream seems so very real and is just terrifying. Wonder if perhaps the not taking the narcolepsy medicine also has something to do with that as I haven't taken that the past couple days when not going anywhere and thinking my body needs sleep. Funny however that I think medication does help conditions and when stopping sometimes the symptoms are then WORSE than they were before treating the ones that were impairing to the degree that require medicine in the first place. Interesting as I never had terrifying dreams that seem real and now only writing about that do I realize that is a classic narcoleptic symptom. Not sure if that is part of the dream thing, or maybe I had them when younger or at other times and don't recall them? OR maybe it is related to the coming off lithium or the sickness? Or perhaps just a bit of PTSD moments which make sense especially in light of hearing the local news which I wish was not what I read when I tried to just relax with the little local paper to read about how the election came out. I wanted to find out if Jennifer Wexton won as our new prosecutor frankly and I never even got that far in my reading of the Loudoun elections. Being a court ( need some good analogy for a bar fly... hmmm a court ... nothing is coming to mind, but I wanted some silly phrase, groupie? NOT right... but a court REGULAR- that's close enough), being a court regular I have watched her in action many times and have always been tremendously impressed by her so hoped she would win.

I then fell promptly back asleep after waking from the nightmare, and just work up to have the realization with a laugh that "Lady of the Woods" was a literal reference which made me laugh.

OK I can be a little slow sometimes-- I only now thought of the reference to our first date as what you meant. I took it to mean a symbolic kind of figurative phrase of the mysterious woman, the unknown in the shadows of your life.

I guess I came on line just as the "AH HA" moment really made me laugh and smile. Wanted to share that with you! Especially as the nightmare setting was actually- outdoors in the woods! Therefore it was lovely this 2nd time to wake up and have thoughts of you and the realization you referenced that lovely walk in the woods come to mind.

Goodnight again. I am going to read how long between taking the Excedrin as my head hurts so another might be wise unless too soon. No doubt I can fall back asleep.

Thank you love for the kiss. That meant alot. I fell asleep just wishing you were holding me and feeling like I wished I was stronger just now. (Emotionally that is, and I suppose physically as well). So yes Thank YOU! You said "I don't know what for" but for loving and being supportive and coming all the way out here to help me when I needed it. Funny that credit card that I am lucky that went through is the one I had only a $500 limit on
(demoralizing at that !!!) and then relied on to max to pay bills quickly- and the one I just paid $100 on before I realized the water bill payment had not gone through! I had overdrawn on that credit card at a gas station so it was up to about $530 or something, so there should be $70 on it thankfully as the denial of my bank card for a $14 purchase for toilet paper and medicine was again disappointing. That card is my emergency fund so I need to pay it down to have as a buffer as when it was maxed and I ran out of gas in Rockville it was terrible to NOT have any emergency fund! ( I had it maxed then!) I stupidly had used it to pay some bill ( phone and something... I forget what.) I am better off paying the bill late and paying that card off first as although I don't want to rely on credit I do have to have an emergency acct that has some available credit on it as the AMEX I had for over ten years was cancelled. They were SO GOOD about setting up a monthly payment plan and then I even paid the AMEX off in full with the loan I took- but unfortunately after paying it monthly I MISSED the monthly payment the month before I paid it off and it was then cancelled. SO dumb. Ce la vie...

Finances remind me that although Pocoontas asked to come get whatever I don't need as she is going to pass it on I need to instead Freecycle those winter coats. Someone who needs them will come pick them up. I have a few extras the girls don't need although I already dropped some off at Blue Ridge from the hand me downs from my friend from church I need to call. On my TO DO list is to give her a call. Had I been smart alot of her hand me downs would have gone in the attic for Christmas gifts ( the stuffed animals, jewelry boxes etc, books) She gave me a ton of stuff when she moved from her house to a Town House in Middleburg. She left a rich husband who has addiction problems. No surprise there...

But the leaving has been worse than the staying was for her.

Also no surprise to me. She like me, was a mess AFTER she left the terrible situation. THEN she fell apart- and I think that is because women need to be strong when in it, so unravel AFTER they leave. Kind of like soldiers who handle combat but fall apart when back on US soil.

I need to reach out to her.

Goodnight and yes THANK YOU! Your love and support now mean alot. I am also strangely weepy-- I mean it is weird, I am NEVER this highly emotional. It like I am off all the stabilizing drugs that were clearly helping me and all these overwhelming suppressed emotions are boiling over and flowing out uncontrollable all at once-- one after the other. OK, and understand I am WAY Too New England emotionally suppressed to REALLY BE WEEPY... its more like a few tears roll out here and there randomly when unexpected! HA HA That is "weepy" for me...

At least I can laugh about it. That I CAN let flow! Sometimes I WISH I could actually cry heartily.

I mean I watched Hotel Rwanda once just for the cathartic cry I needed. Maybe I can throw that one in again an it will be cleansing for me.

Goodnight again. No doubt I will take that Excedrin and fall back asleep. OK tears are flowing and honestly I just don't know why! But its OK as I suppose it is because at some level I need them too, and I am going to be able to sleep despite this oddity of complete emotional instability.

Tue morning Dr . Appt can not come too soon.

And yes, I will call in sick in the AM despite the very New England propensity for denial of illness. That White -- no wait BLACK KNIGHT was a hilarious scene and just the medicine I needed when MCGill put that scene on for me. At least there are moments when denial is no longer possible BEFORE one loses a limb!

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