2011-11-21 - 9:21 a.m.

I so hate calling into work.

It just shouldn't be that hard to take a sick day should it?

My head is still achy, I still have no energy- and I did eat well yesterday as the day before I found ground been I had thawed so made meatballs and sauce and spaghetti I ate the past few days along with decadent Giradelli rich chocolate brownies.

I couldn't TASTE the brownies as I usually do, but as I had so little energy I figured the caffeine in them might help the headache and frankly it seemed easier to bake those than make coffee constantly.

I did pick up Excederin which has the caffine for a headache in it.

OK I have to call in. Not sure why that thought is the most difficult and anxitety producing for me.

I am sick. I can take off work.

DAMN.
I am going to remote in as I can do that from bed (Maybe- If the connection works.) I don't know that I have energy to sit at the table - couch might work. The wireless is fine for laptop but I am not confident secure for VPN. When I set up my security to be uber secure on my router and work laptop then I couldn't connect on my own wireless anymore. Seems I can VPN into work on OTHER wireless connections- but that makes me wonder. I feel more comfortable with the Ethernet cable connected which likely makes NO difference in security of the SAME router.

In any case, no trouble with work stuff when remote of late so I may as well try. I think I have a deliverable waiting on final approval of a team member I need to send with the OK to the sales lead to present to customer. I will at least get that out the door and then see how I feel and if I can focus.

I do at least have to work remote and call the GENERAL MD as it occurred to me I did have some results sent to her but didn't then consult with her at all.

I think I need to push my Life Coach and ask if he can hold my hand a little more. I mean I like the talk therapy and decision making with him, but I know I need MORE like someone to integrate all my care with me. I have three different doctors. I need help in being sure all the results and info is shared among them all ( that is by some entity other than the health insurance company that gets it ALL an I am afraid will do things like DENY me for some possible benefits- like long term disability policy I applied for JUST IN CASE. My Marine friends' car accident and health issues made me think that although I always thought of myself as so healthy I am no invincible an invulnerable.)

OK off to log in. I am feeling tired but the headache is a lulling dull one and not as acute.

My overactive imagination however things of explanations such as "Hmmm could it be MENINGITIS??? OR LYME?? Or actual CANCER SYMPTOMS? OR AIDS?"

I don't REALLY have paranoia to THAN extent. I just don't feel well and figure it really could be simple Depression from having gone off Lithium which was given to help ADHD and possible Manic highs.

I NEVER felt this badly. Then again I never suffered from depressive lows. If being treated for bi-polar its the type of the up manic high kind - hypomania all the time.

Now that begs the question-

If I had been hypomanic an TREMENDOUSLY HAPPY and HYPER ENERGETIC and could get so much done, with the moments of sleepiness showing as Narcolepsy and not Depression (as every Dr. agreed and the sleep study showed) why the heck then TREAT MANIA AT ALL?

I mean its hard to not see it as a blessing in some ways.

This feeling which might just be the result of a Lithium Withdrawal is just terrible. But then again it might just be a flu bug- without a fever or a runny nose. I do feel fluid in my ear (Thus the meningitis fear! That wouldn't come to mind except I know two people in Loudoun, oh wait THREE I heard of that had meningitis in this area over the years. None of those cases hit the paper or news it seems- but as I knew them personally it does come to mind.)

So need the Dr. But I hesitate as I just hope to feel better and not have to go for a battery of tests that are not needed if it IS just a side effect. So tomorrow AM is the Psychiatric Appt and I am a little torn between getting an appt with the general MD first or waiting to get back on those meds to see if this resolves and is just attributed to that lapse of treatment.

I am so damn Puritanical New England it is ridiculous. "Suffer through it"
and "Don't worry its nothing"
are the dominant reactions-- with then the self diagnosis attempts due to the absolute resistance on spending money on anything NOT Essential (such as any medical testing for things which most often NATURALLY heal in a week with rest! Even meningitis will heal on its own- most of the time)

At least I can laugh at myself.

And due to the fluid in my ear will now remote in , get some work done, and if that works NO NOT CALL In but will see how it goes AND make a Dr. Appt for the general MD if she can fit me in today.

I will call my boss first regardless. That just shouldn't be THAT hard of a thing to to, puritanical New England background and mentality notwithstanding.

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