Get your own diary at! contact me older entries newest entry

2011-12-20 - 9:46 p.m.

I am sitting in a class which is exceptionally boring.It is almost over thankfully..

Distracted as I made the mistake of going on line BEFORE my online class and see CATO is on line in Asia where he is.

Killing me to not be able to chat with him!

He left me a lovely messsage on the phone. Called around 7pm my time... I think 7am his time yesterday. Missed the call and now its bugging me with obsessiveness of him being on my mind.

I hate that.

Just when I think I can forget-- I hear his voice. Then I see he is on line and it is driving me batty...

Want to tell him about the awesome show Soren was in. Want to find out what is going on in his world.

It's also bugging me that as Katerina said I for some reason date "THE MAN"

and damn that is accurate.

It kinda made me sick to my stomach to read about the place Cato is from. He really did grow up as the 1%.... well from his Dad who was the 1% He is the next generation of the British imperialists who took over another country in Africa.
So today it was a slow day at work and I did a little bit of research-- both into the business he works in, and the country he hails from.

I guess when I met him he just seemed-- well, exceptionally sexy, fun, interesting, mysterious and honest- and I admit it NON-THREATENING. As in, he was NOT from here, not someone who would want ME to get serious- so not someone who was going to ask anything of ME that I can not give!( As in commitment, to be a "girlfriend" or a wife)Heck I already have at least one and possibly two men in love with me that have had thoughts of long term commitment. (One came out and said it, the other hinted.) I am NO WHERE NEAR READY- or perhaps won't EVER want to be married (not sure which).

YEt when I met Cato it was so strange. I mean-we had that weird connection of literally thinking the same thing at the same time over and over again- being able to finish each other's thoughts or sentences, and picking up the phone after days of not chatting to find him on the line. As in thinking of each other at the same time. I mean why did I have to go FALL for the man?? He was SUPPOSED to be SAFE! I am not supposed to be DISTRACTED by him! Gosh darn it...

Things were amazing and I felt so connected...that is until Halloween. He knew I had a date that night (with the very sweet attny). He was then back home (Texas)and hadn't yet headed off to Asia. But regardless of the fact he was fine with casual dating, it was hurtful to him when he sensed...OK KNEW I had a date that night, and when I didn't call him later that night.

I know he must have been a bit heartbroken at the reality. I heard it in his voice when he left a message and then sent a text ("no call...) as he was expecting me to call that night. So he tapered off our communication from then on to not be as consistent. He pulled back and I can't blame him.

Yet I too am heartbroken at this reality that there is no realistic way we could ever have a viable relationship. The attorney noted I was a bit more distant to him and when he asked what was up I was honest as always- said "An alcoholic stranger walked into my life so OF COURSE I just had to fall for him"

Yes. Beyond any reason. Totally not a wise or rational thing. And YES CATO is an avowed alcoholic. Terribly so and the only thing that will come of that is a dead liver and a reduction in his life of ten years- and likely never being committed to anyone other than the bottle which is now the love of his live.

So it is heartbreaking to care for this man who is so wonderful yet plagued with that affliction.

But most heartbreaking to me is the reading of the history of his country. I mean it just makes my stomach turn, and then to read of the reality of the industry he works in. So I have the question for myself:


I mean REALLY???

I who was most likely at graduation to go join a commune, or become a missionary, or ....hmmm...what else...
a beat poet in the 90s (OK not really, but closer to that at graduation armed with my philosophy and literature degrees and idealism hoping to be a WRITER of fine, thoughtful, provoking ideas to improve our world than a CORPORATE WHORE.)

Now I will sell my words to the highest bidder who will pay me the most so I can pay my mortgage and THE LAWYERS of the American reality of DIVORCE.

That had been the evolution of the American Idealism and the American Dream. We work hard to get an education and build the white picket fences in suburbia that keep us separate , and then work harder to pay the lawyers who separate us further and keep us more separate. We then find ourselves somehow separated from our very selves having lost the core unique identity of who we want to be, of who we are or would be if free to actualize dreams which got lost along the way of meeting the expectations of societal norms.

It was FINE when I fell for Cato thinking he was a fun loving, irresponsible, never fully grew up party boy who lived off the trust fund of his deceased Father. Perhaps it was the jovial lack of CARING about things of the world that I thought he embraced that attracted me. Perhaps it was the very fact his world is about CONNECTIONS to others and socially embracing community and conversation and connection. I mean, even if not at all ATTRACTIVE being one who isn't really working full time for the last ten years- he at least IS A chef from a reputable culinary arts school and HAS worked in a number of fine restartaunts. And for some reason that fact Cato has no worry about NOT working full time did somehow seem very attractive to me. It is his absolute FREEDOM which is so wonderful. He is like Pocohontas in the sense that he literally travels around and goes where he wills embarking on the next adventure without real concern or worry. a True gypsy free spirit on a global scale. So I had NO PROBLEM embracing the FRIENDSHIP of this lovely man who enjoys cooking for me, helping me clean and helping me get my world together when he visits. I have no problem with him as a friend who can flit in and out of my world.

I even have no problem with his seeming pipe dream narcissistic interest in things like driving a Bentley ( although I couldn't care less, or whatever it is he takes care of for his one friend in Texas he stays with. I was happy he wanted me to whisk down there for a weekend at the mansion in what he calls land of "Dellionaires" - even thought I couldn't go.) I couldn't care less about that "Stuff" in his friends' world- but I think I might have missed that there is a materialism in Cato that I did not understand. Perhaps....

Why else would the work he is doing now be appealing? Its about generating wealth.

I have no problem with all of that.

However it is the reading of the history of his native country which is making me feel literally heartbroken. I miss talking with him,spending time with him- yet I am just heartsick at reading about the work he is currently engaged in- as he is the so called "Director" of a mining company.

Now it just makes me ill to read about what the mining companies are known to be. And I can't believe for ONE MINUTE this company he is working with is ANY DIFFERENT as they travel around South America as speculators checking out the current project.

I suppose it is good to do research rather than be blindly naive and wooed by the allure and excitement of mystery.

LEss mystery when it comes to Cato. He works for a mining company. They might hit it big with this current project, and they might not. If they do there will be articles I can read in publications that come to my home like The Carter Center discussing how they are working on improving conditions of the companies that have total disregard for environmental and human rights laws.

Damn, I think this man literally physically resembles Robert Redford in younger years and I have been carrying around Out of Africa to watch it as I miss him.

I should watch that movie for the reminder of WHY the character Denys is not one to fall for-- as he will ALWAYS leave and as a reminder there is really NOTHING ROMANTIC about COLONIALIZATION And IMPERIALISM and SLAVERY of taking over the land and labor of a whole country.

I feel sick tonight as today it was slow at work so I had time to read about the history of Cato's country. I was FINE with the image of Cato-- visiting house stud, professional chef who came and cooked and cleaned and enjoyed taking care of me for a time.

The image of Denys- Mercenary hunter of the African Plains in a country where the whites make up the 1% yet own the majority of land and power and in the 70s when he was a boy most had farms with literally hundreds of servants makes me feel ill.

Its only 40 years later. I am so ill thinking of this. Yet the boy raised there seems to me to be a wonderful man. He shared with me clips of a Dr. friend of his that was on what he called the Oprah of South Africa- Felicity I think is her name, as his Dr. Friend has been working on combatting racism- so clearly Cato is himself not prejudiced. Yet it still just makes me ill to think about the shock of the different worlds we have both come from, and the irony that sometimes it is harder to trust those who do have.

Is it ever possible for a really wonderful quality of life without somehow impacting and making someone else's life harder in the process of providing all those amenities we enjoy?

Darn- I HATE slow days at work! Life is so much EASIER when blissfully and innocently NAIVE....( Tongue in cheek of course.)

about me - read my profile! read other DiaryLand diaries! recommend my diary to a friend! Get your own fun + free diary at!