2012-04-22 - 3:42 p.m.
I still have not figured out why there is a block from my home device IP to this site. Not sure if it is on my end, the router, or somehow the Diaryland site itself, so I can't write from home.
Not too troublesome as there are always paper journals, and other spots to write from on occassion. Trouble of course for me is that paper journals are not as secure from family and it is VERY CLEAR my girls have some serious boundary issues. Much as I love them it is obvious that they are challenged with understanding how to respect other's personal space and others in general.
They are doing well OVERALL, however I should spend some time tonight cleaning up my closet where one or more of them wrecked everything getting into my clothes and shoes and pulling things down in an apparent free for all. Not sure EXACTLY when that happened, but know it was when I was NOT upstairs and I was downstairs doing something like dishes, cooking or otherwise occupied and I discovered it AFTER dropping them off with Dad one night when I headed up to my room to bed and discovered the mayhem there.
Baseball season has started which is always fun. I had received a call Thu with the question "Would you like a ride home today?" from my work friend who I occassional spend time catching up with. We did have a nice time visiting and ate Subway together for dinner as I subjected him to listening to the score of Violet. I was really happy to find that on Amazon and hear it as Soren played Flick in that musical and it was so wonderful. I was reminded why I didn't want to continue dating this man however, and it was reminicint of the argument we had a year ago as we drove into my town and REALLY REALLY wanted to swing a right and stop and visit and my friend's winery with him- and basically welcome my date into MY WORLD. As he is a Black guy he was a bit put off by the Confederate Flag hanging on the Camo painted truck driven by the young short haired - shaven headed man in front of us. He commented something like "Who needs a camo truck out here?" and I said "Hunters?"
And then something like "The kind I want to stay away from"
Basically he never did want to enter my world at all and made it clear he was not comfortable in Western Loudoun and really didn't want to GO ANYWHERE there with me.
So once again, Thu night, if I were with any OTHER Friend- they likely would not have minded swinging by the elementary school my daughters were playing baseball at!
I really wanted nothing more than to watch the game before eating dinner. My friend however said "NO WAY". I however understood his hesitancy.
But it still was a good reminder of why we don't date.
Not that I needed that reminder since there are OTHER Good reasons: one being that he lives in another city and he has his OWN KIDS and the relationship with THIER MOTHER to work on. I never fully bought that he is truly "single"
One can be unmarried and NOT BE SINGLE.
So it is nice to have him as a friend I chat with every month or two and just catch up- about work and life in general. Much better friend than someone to be romantically involved with. When friends he always told me about his Ex Girlfriend he was madly in love with, the mother of his kids and his dating life openly and when I did date him I missed that HONEST communication and comfortable dynamic.
Yesterday I had a fantastic hike at OLD RAG with a co-worker friend of my who is a wonderful woman. We have talked about hiking that together for two years and FINALLY did it!
I had commented that I loved her hair and noted she had some highlights that were diffferent - very subtle and how her hair was ALMOST exactly the same but with the subtle new highlights that were just lovely. I had not realized then that it was a wig. She thanked me in the moment and only later did I understand the perplexed look on her face.
It was really neat to see her bravely ditch the wig as her natural grey hair was growing out short and cropped. Now what is funny is then I saw her with her new hairdo and it honestly looked fantastic on her! Once again I complimented her honestly on her new short hair and how she has such a beautiful face that she can wear that so boldly and beautifully as the hair is not a distraction but her face is then emphasised. I thought she just went for the Sinead look and it was really working for her! I thought it brave to do so.
She told me then she just finished Chemo and he hair was growing back and she had been wearing the wig.
It was really amazing to see her bravery as well as the support of our office (even though we all NEVER TALK TO EACH OTHER! Its the weirdest thing how our floor is the SILENT one of non communication but isolated cubicle existiance yet still the nicest friendliest, if self absorbed, professionals. WEIRD but OK)
So we planned our hike and I asked her if she wanted it to be just us, or if she wanted McGyver to come along. She said "It would be good to have a guy along" knowing Old Rag has some challenging spots she might want a boost and the strenght of a guy to help will be good.
I was glad she said that, knowing McGyver is the ultimate Guide who hiked that four or five times before, and who also knows how to plan for anythign exceptionally well (something that isnot my forte.)
I thought of how Pocohontas and I took wrong turns trying to find the park entrance and then trail head for our excursion.
So McGyver came and was, as always the best companion. He sweetly packed lunch for all of us, including chocolate covered strawberries.
I felt terrible however that on the way home the disucssion with my lovely co-worker turned to dating. My friend from work started asking specific questrions like "Where do you meet all these men?" And I responded " Well- work, not in my dept but at work." etc... She was then more specific and it was a bit uncomfortable as McGyver had to hear the responses too. Not that there was anything he didn't KNOW already but it was clearly a bitter pill for him to swallow hearing of the men other than him I have dated and am dating.
She commented that he was being quiet. I commented he was being wise, as he said NOTHING while we two women jabbered on about dating as single divorcees in our 40s.
The trouble is that she has heard me comment "I have no trouble meeting men, they come out of the woodwork. Trouble is I DON'T WANT to meet any more men and really want to focus on myself and kids now and am just NOT INTERESTED in a relationship" so wanted to know HOW and WHERE I meet them as my girlfriend knows all these women who in the strangest irony as WANT To get married again and who have a goal of another committed relationship say they NEVER MEET MEN.
So the question is:
So the discussion ensued on that topic. In particular also as my friend is a Christian Woman so she knows a few OTHER Christian Women in their 30s or 40s who ALSO are single and amazing women who have NO LUCK in ever meeting A like minded Christian guy of interest.
( I think that criteria narrows the dating pool significantly so that is one reason they have trouble!)
In any case by the time we got back, McGyver who was silent the whole time, said "CAn I talk to you?"
I KNEW that was coming.
I think he was most upset at my articulation that I am happy to date but make it clear that I have NO EXPECTATION, NO GOAL and NO OFFER of working toward any shared goal or end in sight.
Unlike younger folks who may be looking to fall in love, marry and settle down to have a family together
I HAVE DONE ALL THAT.
I swear McGyver looks young, is attractive, and is a wonderful guy and HE SHOULD be OPEN to dating a YOUNG WOMAN who wants all that. I think he WANTS all that too.
But I have done all that.
He was highly upset as he is part of OUR WORLD at this point- yes the close family friend who LOVES US ALL MY KIDS INCLUDED
He was so upset as he thoght I sounded like HE DOESN'T MATTER
and anyone I date is so casual that THEY Don'T MATTER
Then thing is that is the very thing I was hurt by when I was treated that way by the air traffic controller. How can one be so close and claim love and then just dispose of a person?
UNLESS the person is NOT Good for you and your SELF is being destroyed in the relationship-- It makes NO SENSE.
So I did listen and let McGyver know I am not looking at him as disposable.
Yet the trouble is I am also not ATTRACTED To him. And fundamentally , when that physically attraction is not there it is hard to consider any kind of friendship than a close. close friend.
And the thing is- one CAN'T FORCE IT. Either the phermones start going crazy in response to another, or not. Now there might be some in between- but honestly, a slow simmer that just never hits boiling just is not that exciting to me.
Yet it can work, it can cook and it won't boil over, less likely to burn and scorch that it is coming into contact with. I think of cooking and melting chocolate or anything that requires a simmer rather than a boil. I think of how EGGS will be tough and consistency terrible if boiled, with cracked shells- yet if you simmer they will be lovely.
Yet somehow, I can cognitively THINK this, and the simmer on the pot is still the pot on the back burner.
I Think that is trouble, McGyver doesn't want to be the steady pot on the back burner relied on and yet he ALWAYS has been that for women.
He is the one who they depend on, then they dump him and move on in life without him.
He just doesnt want to be discarded, and has that fear.
But it WAS a lovely, lovely Saturday followed by time to myself on Sunday which was really lovely!